Hey guys! Thanks for reviewing. I've been really excited to write recently and I have all these ideas swarming in my head about this fanfiction, essays, books, politic and anything really. I actually caught myself pacing in the kitchen talking to myself about the representation of marginalized groups in Hamilton. Anyway, this chapter got kinda fluffy unintentionally. I don't know, angst is definitely coming, oh so definitely.
Trigger warnings: mentions of bullying, mentions of self harm, mentions of tools used in self harming behaviours, self hatred.
The next few weeks settled over Alex's life like a heavy mist and the warm weather they'd been enjoying in September evaporated with October's arrival.
He knew Martha and George were worried about him, he'd heard them discussing psychiatrists and medication in hushed tones after they thought he'd gone to bed. One night they'd seemed particularly frustrated that the waiting list for the only credible psychiatrist on this side of the state was a few months long.
The weight Alex had started to gain in his first three weeks at the Washingtons' had dropped off him, he looked just as sickly as he had when he arrived, if not paler and even skinnier.
Alex stood in front of his bedroom mirror now and pulled at his sweater in frustration. The material sagged awkwardly over his coat hanger shoulders and the sleeves drowned his arms, forcing him to resort to rolling the ends up a few times to be able to write.
It was a Saturday and Lafayette was going out to meet Herc and John. Alex didn't know where, he wasn't going.
His anxiety had always been bad, ever since he was a kid, but over the last few weeks it had gotten to the point where Alex felt physically sick at the idea of leaving the house. School every day was torture and more often than not he had to excuse himself from classes to have panic attacks in restrooms.
Lee and George didn't help matters. For whatever reason, they'd taken a disliking to Alex. He'd told no one about it, their threats of hurting Laf, John or Hercules hung over him like rain clouds and always silenced him when he opened his mouth to tell someone.
Every day he'd try to avoid them by waiting behind to talk to the teacher after class or walking in the middle of a crowd so they wouldn't see him, but most of the time, this was no use.
He'd become used to picking out clothes that hid the bruises battered into his body. Lee and George were careful. He hadn't suffered any broken bones or received any black eyes, to everyone else, he was physically unharmed.
That couldn't be further from the truth, but no one would care if he were to tell anyway.
When in came to many things in life, Alex was intransigent and uncompromising and this situation was no different. He never just took the punches. He was weaker than both of them, shorter and scrawnier too, but he had tough fists and sharp elbows, biting retorts and cutting diatribes. He'd be damned if he didn't at least give one of them a bloody nose or a bruised ego before he became their personal punching bag.
So that was the routine he had gotten used to. Slowly, contact with his friends had drifted. He longed for Lafayette's halting English and snarky humour. He still wanted John's lips on his everyday and he missed Hercules' calming, steady presence.
But he didn't deserve them. He knew they were happier without him. Besides, how could he keep up with any of them? They weren't broken, they could leave the house without choking and they didn't have panic attacks multiple times in one day. He'd only slow them down, annoy them, become a burden.
Anyway. It was Saturday. Alex hasn't gotten too much sleep that night. He'd tossed and turned till about two in the morning and woke up at about five, three hours later. He was exhausted.
Breakfast was being eaten downstairs and he knew he'd have to make an appearance soon. Martha and George were constantly fretting about him eating enough, sleeping enough, taking his medication and so on.
He sighed and scraped his hair up into a bun, it was darker now from lack of sun and could be mistaken for black in the right lighting.
He had some bruises around his throat from the day before when he'd taken it a bit too far insulting Charles and had played the price.
"Tell me, is there a reason why we can just get away with this? Like, it's not surprising no one seems to care but people must really hate you if they're ignoring this, huh."
A quick kick was aimed at his stomach and his breath hitched slightly, catching in his throat. He rolled onto his side and spat some blood from his mouth. He didn't know how that had gotten there, he hadn't been struck in the face yet.
"Is there a reason you're such an asshole? No seriously. You must have some fucking inferiority complex if you have to resort to hitting people to feel better about yourself. Is your privileged, suburban white life getting you down? Need to take it out on the skinny Latin kid cos he's an easy target?"
Lee snarled and brought his foot down on Alex's throat, pressing down hard until half his body weight was constricting the teenager at his feet.
Alex smiled slightly to himself at the memory. It hadn't exactly be been worth it to say that, but the look on Lee's face was unforgettable.
The hoodie did enough to adequately disguise the purple and yellow discoloration so he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and walked downstairs.
On the weekends, George and Martha made breakfast for them. It was usually something tastier and more filling than the cereal and coffee they had during the week. Today was fried eggs, bacon, toast and tomatoes.
Alex cringed when the smell of bacon met his nose and he ducked into the living room for a moment to ready himself.
In the living room he collapsed into the sofa and took a few deep breaths, trying not to think of the scar on his bicep and of how he'd gotten it. He nestled further into his hoodie and yawned, wishing he could go back to bed. Maybe after breakfast he could have a nap...
The sofa was so comfortable though, his hoodie was like a huge blanket, engulfing him with warmth. He could feel his eye lids drooping and his muscles relaxing...
There was a light tapping on his shoulder and his eyes snapped open. He jumped, on his feet in an instant, looking warily around him. Lafayette was stood over him wearing a bemused and pained expression.
"Sorry..." Alex's posture relaxed somewhat and Lafayette pulled him into a hug.
"Mon petit lion, I am worried for you. You are sure you do not want to come today?"
Alex screwed up his face against Lafayette's shoulder, holding back tears. Suddenly he felt so overcome with emotion. He wished he could just be normal for once, he wished he'd been given the same life his friends had. Why was it he who was born into a life of poverty and misery?
He collected himself and sighed.
"I'm sorry Laf. If you come back here after I'd love to hang."
He felt his foster brother nod and they broke apart, Alex following Lafayette to the kitchen.
He seated himself at the table and watched as everyone took their portions, as usual serving himself only after the rest of the table had started eating.
He ignored the bacon set out in front of him and began to eat a small portion of the other food available.
He knew he should be eating more, trying to snatch back the weight and health he'd been robbed of his whole life, but somehow, he couldn't.
He'd never really known a time in his life when he wasn't hungry. Even as a child in the Caribbean his mother had struggled to make ends meet after his father had left. Before that though, meals were his favourite part of the day. Alex could laugh and chat with his mother and brother at the table and eat his mother's vegetable callaloo or the papaya and beef stews. He loved the food his mother made, but it was more to do with the fact that it was the only hour of the day when he got to see his mother, she was almost always at work.
The smell of his mother frying rice with the coconut milk and peppers he'd bought for her still lingered in his memory like the ghost of an entirely different existence. When his father walked out on them, meals became smaller and further apart. Deliciously spiced fried vegetables became tinned soup, became bruised apples, became empty stomachs.
He remembered how his mother's death and the hurricane had followed in quick succession to each other. That was still something he never thought about and truthfully, he didn't want to. He just couldn't stand the memories and how they flooded him whenever he had a cold, like his mother's fever or when there was a storm, like the hurricane.
But he was digressing now.
Pace had kept the cupboard well stocked with food, not healthy food at that, but food none the less. It became evident soon this was not for Alex however. If Pace or his son were feeling too lazy to beat him, they'd just lock the kitchen for a few days, the hunger pangs often hurt more than a bruised cheekbone or a sprained ankle.
He looked down at his plate to see he'd actually finished everything, aside from the bacon. He drained his glass of water and set his knife and fork down on top the plate.
"Don't like bacon?"
He glanced up to see George watching him, the hint of a smile on his face.
Alex shrugged slightly, "not really... I'm sorry, I should have mentioned it."
George shook his head and chuckled slightly. "It's no trouble Alex, you won't have to have it from now on."
Alex smiled gratefully at George and fiddled with a hangnail, pulling so hard he drew blood.
After breakfast Alex helped to wash up before climbing wearily back upstairs and collapsing onto his bed.
Lafayette came up a few minutes later, changed into a coat and fashionable jeans. Alex supposed he was about to go and meet John and Hercules.
"Are you sure you don't want to come?"
Alex sighed. He thought of John and his fervent passion when he talked about things he loved, Hercules and his witty humour and calming presence.
"You know how I get Laf. Are you going to come back here afterwards?"
His foster brother's face twitched into a sympathetic smile and sat next to Alex on his bed.
"I'll make sure we do. We can watch a film or something."
Alex nodded eagerly and felt his the tightness in his chest lessen. He would get to see John and and Hercules without having to suffer through the inevitable panic attacks he experienced when he left the house.
Lafayette hugged him tightly for few seconds then stood up and walked towards the door.
"Prends soin de toi Alexandre."
Take care of yourself Alexander.
Alex grinned and nodded before watching his brother walk out onto the landing and down the stairs.
It was going to be a few hours at least until Lafayette came back and Alex didn't really know what to do.
Ever since George had taken away his razor he'd had nothing to do to relieve tension or emotions, he knew if he wanted to he could use a kitchen knife or some glass, heck, he could steal an exact-o blade from school, but something always stopped him. He knew Martha and George were watching him closely. He was actually surprised they hadn't put a lock on the cutlery drawer by now. He couldn't bear to picture their faces if they found out he didn't even have the self control to stop.
So Alex had started writing even more, at a furious and unstoppable pace. Every night after school he'd pull out his notebook and pour out pages and pages of whatever he could think of. Essays about politics, books he'd read, journal entries, scathing critiques of anything or anyone who'd wronged him. It didn't matter, so long as he could lose himself in his work for hours on end.
Most nights he would start writing as soon as he came home from school and wouldn't stop until the first hints of a dawn nudged their way through the crack in his curtains.
Truly, he had to work hard to convince himself that this was a better coping mechanism than his last one. It wasn't much healthier, he forwent food and sleep too often, not to mention the social isolation he forced upon himself. But then, at least he had something to show for it. A month ago he had scars, now he had tens of thousands of words written eloquently and succinctly, he was truly proud of his work.
So that was how John found him hours later when he returned with Lafayette and Hercules. Alex's hand cramped around a pen and eyes strained on the latest clause in a sentence.
Alexander didn't even notice the door opening, so John took the opportunity to admire his friend for a minute or so, leaning casually against the door jambe.
His brown eyes were absorbed in his work and his brows were furrowed, deep in concentration. His hair fell in strands around his small face, freshly washed and soft looking. Papers littered the bed around him like a sea, and he the island. Every so often he would sit the pen down to flex his long fingers and rotate his wrists. His hands were spotted dark blue and black with ink and his middle finger had a harsh red writing bump where his pen had been rubbing furiously at the skin there.
"Why do you write like you're running out of time, Alexander?" John's slight New York drawl came out careless and amused, he let a grin spread across his face.
The boy jumped and dropped the pen, cursing when a blob of ink stained his duvet cover.
"John." He breathed, his eyes wide with surprise and joy.
John took a few steps into the room, closing the door behind him. He smiled slyly to his friend, moving closer to the boy.
Alexander narrowed his eyes in amused suspicion and picked up his papers carefully, bringing them to his already overflowing desk and stacking them in neat piles.
He moved closer to John and wrapped his arms around the taller boy's shoulders.
"I missed you..." he murmured, head buried into John's chest.
"So did I, you work yourself too hard Alexander."
He felt the smaller boy laugh softly, the noise muffled as his face was still hidden in his friend's tee shirt, John was sure he would be able to feel his heart beat.
He tilted Alex's head up to look at him, two fingers gently resting under his chin.
They leaned in in unison, the gap between them closing rapidly as they shut their eyes at the same time, their lips meeting desperately.
Unlike their first kiss there was more longing and passion between them now, as though Alex could drink lost time back from John's mouth. The shorter boy gasped slightly and pushed himself closer to John as his hand found it's way to his friend's curls.
Alex gently bit down on John's lower lip and leaned further into the kiss, sighing slightly and tasting the minty flavour of his mouth. John grinned and their teeth clashed briefly before he grazed his tongue along Alex's bottom lip and let their mouths interlock further. Alexander's brain was going haywire, he could feel the electricity running up and down his arms, through his lips, down his back. John's arms were around his waist and Alex's hands were at his chest.
The only sound in the room now was their shallow breathing and the whispering of fabric as Alex ran his hands lightly up John's chest.
They broke apart momentarily and drank the sight of each other in, Alex's deep, intelligent eyes meeting John's gold-flecked amber ones.
Alex mouthed lightly along John's jaw, ghosting his lips across the skin with playful kisses.
"Laurens..."
"Alexander..."
Alex opened his mouth slightly and was gently grazing his lips over John's while the latter ran his tongue over Alexander's. Alex sighed again and pressed in harder, letting out a sigh louder than he would have liked. He wondered where Lafayette and Hercules were...
John smiled into the kiss at this and pushed his tongue further into Alex's mouth, laughing internally when he felt Alex's hand on his chest clench into the cotton of his tee shirt.
Suddenly the bedroom door was burst open and Lafayette and Hercules bounced in, standing stock still when their eyes met the scene in front of of them.
The two boys froze mid kiss and pulled apart, they turned slowly to face their friends. Embarrassment and anger was working its way onto both of their faces. Both boys' lips were parted slightly, swollen and pink from kissing and their hair was incriminatingly ruffled. They were clearly out of breath and John's chest was rising and falling rhythmically.
"Christ..." Hercules whispered, his eyes wide with shock. Lafayette was silent, his hand at his mouth and his eyes huge. He scanned over the two boys and suddenly, he had doubled over with laughter and was clutching his ribs frantically.
"Mon Dieu! Je le savais! I knew it!"
My God! I knew it! I knew it!
Alex stepped back from John slightly and smoothed his hair down, a bright red staining his cheeks. He scowled at Lafayette and folded his arms in frustration.
"Ever heard of knocking Laf?"
Hercules was grinning now too, his surprised expression taken over by a broad smile and crinkled, humoured eyes.
John had retied his pony tail and was blushing that same burt sienna shade Alex had admired so much on him.
"Sorry about that..." Lafayette choked out, clapping his brother on the back, catching a sharp piece of shoulder blade.
John had found his smile now too and sighed theatrically. "Seriously guys, you had to interrupt that? Things were just getting interesting!"
Alex cringed and buried his face in his hands, mortified. He thought of the little sighs he'd been making and how he'd been lightly tracing John's chest. God, they'd seen all that...
Lafayette hugged him gently.
"Mon frère, do not be embarrassed! Well, be a little embarrassed, that was quite embarrassing, but it is okay!"
Alex chuckled slightly at Lafayette's unintentional word play and grinned over his brother's shoulder to John.
Hercules put his arm tightly around John's shoulder.
"Well, it was pretty obvious you were into each other anyway."
Alex fiddled with the hem of his sweater and shrugged, "Lafayette said the same thing a few weeks ago."
"Ah, bien sûr! Don't think I didn't see the secret hand holding and cuddling when John slept over!"
John gasped playfully and punched Lafayette affectionately on the shoulder.
"Can we pretend you didn't see what you just did?" Alex asked, biting his lip, embarrassed.
John was struggling out of Hercules' arm as the taller boy ruffled his hair, his head held in Herc's bison like grip.
"Not a chance, that was hilarious!"
Hercules had released John and dug his hands into his pockets nonchalantly.
Lafayette nodded, "the look on your faces, jésus!"
Alex rolled his eyes and turned towards the bathroom, splashing water in his face and retying his ponytail. He was still out of breath and his heart was beating ten times a second.
He smiled to himself and thought of how happy John had been to see him. He thought of how John had held his waist, how he'd said his full name. Alexander.
He turned back out of the bathroom and grinned to his friends.
"Where'd you guys go?"
Lafayette grinned, "got coffee and went to the park to hang."
Alex felt a small knife of jealousy stab at his a heart but he shook it away and nodded.
"You should come with us next time," smiled Herc, wrapping his arm across Alex's shoulders.
"There aren't too many people."
Alex shrugged, pretending he was considering it. He didn't think they fully understood, it was about people yeah, but more so that when he was in public he couldn't escape if he had a panic attack, he could get hurt more easily, he could get lost, he could get robbed or cornered or...
He shook away those thoughts and inwardly chastised himself. He knew logically he was being stupid and melodramatic but he had a habit of letting his imagination run away with him.
But then again, he didn't think he deserved to be seen in public with those three. Three smart, tall, good looking, charismatic teenagers and him. The five foot five, scrawny, wild-eyed mess. He wasn't good enough to be their friend.
Hercules took his silence for a 'no' and sighed before hugging him tightly. Alex willed himself to remain calm and breathe normally.
It's just a hug, it's just a hug, it's just a hug...
It was just that Hercules was so much bigger than his other friends. Every inch of him was muscle, he was tall and broad, he played soccer, worked out, swam. The dissonance between his appearance and personality however was laughable, as in reality, Alex could never, ever picture him hurting anybody. He had kind eyes and a face that looked like it smiled often. That's what he told himself when he was wrapped in the embrace. He took steadying breaths and reciprocated the hug, clapping his friend weakly on the back.
Lafayette must have noticed his panic stricken expression and clapped his hands, prompting the grapple-
No, hug.
to end. John was looking at Alex with sympathetic eyes and all at once, Alex felt guilt flood him. Hercules would never hurt him, that was one of the few things he could be sure of. To think anything else would be an insult. He felt disgusted with himself, traitorous. He didn't deserve these friends.
He coughed awkwardly bad broke his eye contact with John, moving towards the stairs.
"Let's forget that awkward introduction, I wanna watch a film."
He tuned his voice back to the carefully practiced casual air he'd perfected. It felt shallow and underhand but it was convincing, he saw his two friends visibly relax and Hercules was none the wiser.
John walked down the stairs in front of him and they jumped into the living room, flopping down on the sofa in a tangled heap.
Lafayette yelled when Alex landed on top of him, pointed elbows and jutting hipbones digging into his arm. Alex blushed and struggled away.
You're so goddamn heavy, you're crushing him.
Alex shuddered slightly and quickly rolled off his friend, sliding into the empty expanse of sofa.
"Mon petit lion! Ton os a coupé mon bra!" Joked Lafayette
My little lion! Your bone cut my arm!
Alex blushed and brushed the comment off, making awkward eye contact with John.
"What's that nickname you call him? Petit lion?" Hercules grinned.
Alexander blushed and tugged at a strand of his hair awkwardly.
"Mais bien sûr! He's small and fiery, like a little lion!"
"I didn't put a stop to it instantly, so it's stuck!" Alex sighed, shaking his head in a long-suffering fashion.
John grinned and shuffled to sit closer to Alexander.
"Je l'aime, shall I call you that from now on?"
Alex groaned and shook his head, stands of dark hair flying rapidly around his head like things alive.
"Laurens, I could not bear it!" He cried dramatically and flung himself over John, grinning up at the boy. Lafayette laughed and playfully pushed Alex.
"Stop flirting with each other!"
Alex sighed and flopped across John's lap.
"Laf, you're no fun. Pisse-froid!" John laughed, shaking his head.
Killjoy
Lafayette made a noise of offence and rolled his eyes at John and Alex's position.
He flicked on the TV and relaxed into the sofa, leaning against Hercules' shoulder happily.
They watched TV for an hour or so when unbeknownst to them, George pulled into the drive way and walked into the house. He stood in the open doorway of the living room and watched the four boys for a few moments.
Alex was curled up happily across John's lap, his head was leant into the taller boy's chest, his spine pressed into John's stomach and his legs stretched out across the sofa. John has his hand tangled up in his hair. Lafayette was nestled comfortably between Hercules and the arm of the sofa, face pressed into his taller friend's shoulder.
He smiled to himself for a moment, vaguely wondering what the situation between John and Alex was. It could be platonic, friendly affection but something told him the blush on his foster son's face didn't quite mirror that.
He cleared his throat and the four boys jumped and turned to face him. Alex hastily clambered off of John's lap and sat neatly on the sofa next to him, mortified and blushing. Lafayette had taken his head of Hercules' shoulder but not moved away from his warmth. Hercules looked slightly flustered and embarrassed by this but didn't move away.
George grinned at them, hoping to show John and Hercules they had no reason to feel uncomfortable.
"Have a good day?"
Lafayette smirked and sat up, nodding vigorously. He shot a knowing, sly look at John and Alex whose eyes widened and shared a worried glance.
"Ils faisaient! c'était assez drôle mais, maintenant ils sont embarrassé."
They did! It was really funny, but now they're embarrassed."
George shook his head dispairingly and changed the subject, his curiosity peaked but his gut telling him not to ask.
"I'll take that as a yes then... What are you watching?"
Hercules grinned and took the opportunity to steer the subject away from John and Alex's love life.
"Sitcoms, on Netflix. This one has about twelve seasons so it will take us at least two days to get through."
George laughed at Hercules' easy humour and turned to hang up his coat in the hall.
From inside the living room he heard angry muttering and faint whispers. He wondered what they were saying, his hearing not sharp enough to pick out succinct words. Deciding to leave them some privacy he smiled to himself and walked upstairs to put away his bag.
"Jesus Laf! What are you playing at?" John was red in the face from combination of anger and mortification.
"Relax, that man barely understands 'oui' from 'non'." Lafayette smirked, tapping a rhythm onto Hercules' shoulder.
Alex scowled and folded his arms.
"He didn't have to understand, your tone said everything!"
Lafayette smirked again, "I think it was more the fact you were sitting on John's lap Alexandre."
Alex groaned and buried his face in his hands. John smiled slightly and patted his back. As usual, Hercules stepped in to ease the tensions.
"It doesn't matter you guys, he probably didn't think anything of it, and if he did, well George doesn't give a shit."
John shrugged, "my dad does."
Alex turned to him surprised, he'd never heard John talk about his dad before.
Lafayette visibly softened and smiled, "He's not here right now. Plus, George is different."
John nodded, "I know. I know, my dad is just a bit old fashioned. That's all."
Alex pulled John closer to him and they stayed like that for the rest of the episode, hands intertwined, cheeks so close they could feel the air move when one of them spoke.
They remained in that position until it grew dark outside. Lafayette was curled up against Hercules once more and the latter had taken to playing with the ends of his hair affectionately, grinning when he noticed his friend had fallen asleep, dark eyes now closed and chest rising and falling peacefully.
Martha came home around forty five minutes after George did and chatted animatedly with the boys for a while, smiling fondly at the way the two pairs had curled up into each other and wondering whether the relationships could be accurately described as merely platonic.
Alex briefly fell asleep on John's chest around twenty minutes after Martha had come home, his cheekbone digging ever so slightly uncomfortably onto John. It didn't matter however, because John was free to stare and take in the teenager's face for long moments, memorizing his eyelashes and the shape of his nose. He had been planning to sketch Alexander for weeks now.
Soon however, dinner was being prepared and Hercules and John were asked to decide to stay to eat with the family or go home. John knew his dad would be kinda mad if he came home late and overstayed his welcome at the Washingtons', besides, it was getting dark and he didn't fancy walking home alone in the pitch black of rural Virginian night time.
He shared a similar look with Hercules and the two of them mutually decided through a glance alone that they'd go home now.
Alex chatted to John in the hallway as he slid on his shoes and shrugged his leather jacket over his shoulders.
Hercules and Lafayette were upstairs swapping CDs and books before they parted, so John and Alex were alone once again in the dark porch.
John leaned in and kissed Alex again, sweetly and gently this time. His lips were chapped slightly and his skinny fingers brushed through Alex's hair softly for a few seconds before they parted.
"See a movie with me." John smirked. He looked all too attractive in the dim golden light. His hair was wild, untamed and he wore his leather jacket like a second skin, the material worn and creased from the many years he'd had it. He looked dangerous and so very mischievous in that moment. His eyes full of life, rebellious like an unbroken stallion.
Alex was taken aback slightly at his bluntness.
"Uh, sure. When?"
John grinned, "Monday night. Local cinema is showing the shining. Should be good."
Alex raised his eyebrows.
"You had this all planned out didn't you."
John laughed, tucking some hair behind Alex's ear and stepping out onto the street.
Alex smiled again. "You like horror then?"
John only smirked.
"Not particularly, but it seemed like a good idea to get you clinging to me in the cinema. Maybe you can lean on my chest."
Alex laughed and rolled his eyes.
"In your dreams."
John took a few casual steps backwards down the driveway, his collar turned up and an amused grin on his face.
"Whatever you say, baby girl."
Alex blushed redder than he ever had in his life had groaned.
"Man, maybe petit lion isn't so bad!"
John only buried his hands in his pockets and laughed.
"Night baby girl."
"Night John."
Inspired by the vine where Anthony calls Lin baby girl.
