Breathe - Requested by o6666666 - July 13th, 2019

Season 7 - "I feel like I can't breathe"

Someone to count on in a world ever changing

Here I am, stop where you're standin'

Mulder had forgotten to pack toiletries, so they decided to quickly run to CVS before heading to their motel for the night. Simple in and out, that's all this was supposed to be.

He was somewhere behind her trying to find his brand of deodorant as she idly looked at chapsticks when she heard the familiar tune come over the twingy speakers overhead.

What you need is a lover, a man to take over

Oh girl, don't look any further

Her whole body tensed up and suddenly she felt like she was on the hardwood of her bedroom floor again, trying as hard as she could to be silent in fear that any sound she made would be her last. Her ears roared with the melody of that damn song mixed with the pounding of water running in the other room. Her nose burned with the smell of her bath oil that she'd used to relax so many times before and now sent her into a panic attack every time she caught a whiff of it.

Much like the panic attack she could feel burgeoning right now. It felt like she was leaving her own body and was watching herself from a distance. Objectively she knew she was fine and she was safe. She was just having a panic response triggered by lingering unresolved trauma. If only the objective part was in control right now. Instead, she felt the cold hands of her own anxiety clamp around her throat.

Strange when you think of the chances

That we've both been in a state of mind

She hadn't heard that song in years before he came back. The objective part of her mind, which seemed to be moving farther and farther away from her, was screaming that he was dead. It was like a constant mantra in her head that she was trying to comfort herself with, but it wasn't working. He's dead. He's dead. He's dead. He's dead. You killed him. You murdered him. It took three weeks for you to stop thinking that you could still see the stain of his brain matter on your ceiling. It took months to stop looking yourself staring at the new plaster that Mulder slapped over the bullet hole in the wall. He's dead. He's dead. He's dead.

The feeling of his arms grabbing her burned her skin and the irrational part knew there was no way to kill the devil.

"You're all I think about."

She gasped violently and fought against the hands grabbing her, sending her lunging into the shelves against the wall and resulting in tubes of Blistex scattering onto the floor. "No, no, no," she cried out, her voice quivering weakly.

"Scully, you're fine. Hey, hey, hey," she heard Mulder's comforting voice from somewhere behind her.

She whipped around and, instead of seeing the face of Donnie Pfaster, she saw the face of one very concerned Fox Mulder. "Scully, you're having a panic attack. You need to breathe," he rushed, fear lacing his voice despite his attempt to be strong.

Her gaze desperately flitted around trying to make sense of what was going on around her. The fluorescent lights were still humming above them, the aisles were empty aside from their bodies and the spilled basket Mulder must've dropped, that song was still lightly playing above them.

And we'll go on and on and on and on

"Scully," Mulder demanded, using one hand to grab her shoulder while the other cupped her face and made her look at him. She locked eyes with him and she felt anchored by them, a lifeline in a sea of worry. "Don't pay attention to the song. Pay attention to me."

Her mouth opened to say 'okay', but nothing came out. She took in a sharp breath, but her lungs still felt empty. "I-I-" she stammered.

"You're safe, nothing's going to hurt you," he reassured.

"I feel like I can't breathe," she admitted. She knew why, but knowing it and fixing it felt like mutually exclusive concepts.

"You're working yourself up," he told her. He grabbed her hands and put one on his chest and one on hers. "Breathe with me, Scully. Feel my breath," he commanded, pausing to demonstrate a deep breath that she shakily tried to copy.

"Good, good, keep doing that," he praised, continuing to breathe exaggeratedly for her.

She looked at her hand on her chest and she noticed her bare fingernails and how the white crescent tips were sticking out starkly against his black coat. All her hair was cut off. He took her fingernails. But this time, he took some fingers, too. She gasped a heaving sob and Mulder quickly started stammering, "N-no, no, no, Scully, please. Please stay with me."

She could hear the fear lacing his voice and she looked around to find him again, her eyes watering up when she saw how scared he was. Usually this type of comforting was the other way around, and usually these panic attacks were reserved for late nights when the memories became overwhelming.

Scully decided not to avert her gaze again and stayed focused solely on him, her heartbeat slowing down when she saw a smile quirk his lips slightly. "That's great, Scully. Keep breathing."

They stayed like that for a few minutes, oblivious to the patrons who turned into the aisle before quickly turning away, and only speaking again after the song had ended and a new one began.

"It was the song. Wasn't it?" Mulder asked softly, brushing her hair back so she could look at her face.

This raw vulnerability made her uncomfortable and she found it hard to meet his gaze. "Yeah," she whispered.

"Does this happen often?" The question made her really reflect. How every day when she laid in bed, she remembered herself being under it; how her bookshelf still had dents in it even after Mulder tried to rebuild it; that she couldn't even get her clothes out of the closet without thinking she could still smell him.

"He told me that I was all he thought about," she admitted. She'd never fully confessed everything that had happened that night, for fear that this exact reaction would happen.

Mulder grimaced at the thought, but was quick to comfort her. "He can't hurt you anymore, Scully."

"He does though," she whispered. "He's all I think about," her face crumbled while those words left her mouth and Mulder was quick to envelop her in his arms.