LEARNING TO LOVE FROM THE BELOVED!
The apartment living room was in an unusually messy state. An unwashed coat was lying on the floor, a sweat-stained shirt on the sofa. The glass table in the middle had a couple of empty bottles of whiskey. Leaning against it on his back, in a gloomy, depressed heap was Ren, with another half-empty bottle of alcohol in his hand from which he would occasionally take a sip. A bunch of DVDs of Tsukigomori were spilled across the room, like someone had slammed them against the floor in a blinding fit of rage.
His cellphone rang for the umpteenth time but he didn't even glance at it. Instead, he chugged down the rest of the contents from the glass bottle in his hand and rolled it down the floor.
Back at the agency, Yashiro tried Ren's cell again but to no avail.
"Come on, Ren," he muttered through clenched teeth. "I'm trying to do my job here. Pick up the stupid phone."
His brow furrowed with worry as he dialed again. This is so out of character for him, he thought and the bell continued to ring.
After a minute or so, the call went to voicemail. "Ren, it's me. You've got another episode of Tokyo Bridge Rock this afternoon at three. Don't forget. Please be there." He slammed down the receiver and sighed. All he could do now was wait.
On the set of Dark Moon, Ogata looked up at the schedule of his cast on his notepad when Kyoko asked his permission to leave early.
"You said you need to be out of here by noon?" He asked.
"Yeah. I've got another job. Sorry if I'm being a pain." That afternoon, Kyoko had to go to the studio of Kimigure Rock to play Bo.
"No, no. Not at all, you're fine." Ogata shook his head. "The shooting schedule is up in the air either way. No point having you stand around doing nothing, I suppose."
He glanced at his notepad again and his expression saddened. "If anyone should apologize it's me," he mumbled in a tone brimmed with helplessness. "I didn't see this getting so out of hand..." his voice faltered, he looked like he was about to cry. "My cast is in shambles."
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Sir." Kyoko waved her hands. "I promise we can manage till Mr Tsuruga comes back."
"Why did I think I could be a Director?" Ogata sank down in a chair with an air of gloom surrounding him. "My actor is struggling and I don't know what I can do to help. The man needs more time but I just keep pushing him." He pressed his palms to his face and then rubbed them together. "I told him that that was it for the day. I realise now, that it must have made him feel like an amateur, but I couldn't just watch him hang himself either. It was just awful. The look on his face broke my heart. He was desperate, like a wounded animal."
So he saw it to? Kyoko could relate to the Director because she was feeling just as perturbed. There was nothing she could do to help Ren, no matter how much she wanted to. He looked mortified. It wasn't about the number of takes. The problem ran much deeper than professional pride.
"I think Ren has reached a creative dead end." Ogata's eyes flooded. "He needs help and I'm not capable of giving it to him."
"You have to stop beating yourself up, Sir! You did the best you could for him!" Kyoko said sternly. After a pause, she shared her opinion on the subject, "take after take, Ren never tried playing Katsuki the same way twice. He kept falling apart and asking to start over again. That wasn't an artistic choice. That was the sign of an actor who couldn't find his groove. The truth of the character eluded him. It was like... like he was waiting for Katsuki to materialize out of thin air."
"Precisely!" Ogata nodded energetically. "I felt the same way. I just couldn't bring myself to believe it. Just two days ago, he had been hitting his takes out of the park. You'd never think he was about to hit a wall."
"Right," Kyoko agreed. Exactly. That's why there has to be something else. Something so messed up that he doesn't even dare tell the Director. The worst part is, as much he has helped me wrap my head around Mio, I can't return the favour. I'm still so new all this, while he is a seasoned actor, why would he want to listen to me? Who am I to give him advice?
It was almost three when Kyoko was done with her Bo shoot. She scrambled out in her oversized chicked suit as she went ahead to the dressing room to get changed.
Walking along the corridor, Ren intruded her thoughts again and that helpless feeling consumed her from inside out.
He is a pro, and pros only listen to people who are older than them, she pouted her lower lip in dismay. What can I do?
If only she were on the same level as him, to be able to talk to him as an equal...
She wondered how would she have approached him if she actually was his equal or superior.
Making her voice extra deep, she pointed her chicken finger at an invisible Ren and snapped, "I outrank you Tsuruga. I order you to hear me out!"
Chuckling at her own stupidity, she glanced around to make sure no one was watching. Fortunately, the hallway was empty as usual.
She stomped on ahead but halted to a stop when she noticed that the doors of a certain waiting room were wide open. It was the same room where she had met Ren last time. Just out of curiosity, she snuck a peek and her heart jumped out of her chest at the sight of the only person sitting inside. Him.
Way to bring the wrath of heavens down on yourself, Kyoko. This is what happens when you try to be a big shot! She decided to sneak out before Ren could notice her presence but stopped when a sudden realisation hit her.
Wait, I can't go up to him to give him advice but maybe... Bo can.
She snuck another peak. Her heart shook at the sight of his face masked in worry. His aura was so dark and despondent that it almost looked like he was surrounded by a massive black hole. She could practically read it in the air that he was absolutely miserable. She wondered why he was just sitting there alone instead of talking to anyone about his problems. As she thought about it, she realised that he had always been this way. Look at him. He is the kind of guy who suffers in silence. That's just who he is. He can't ask for help because he's afraid he'll look weak. Oh, Ren, why do you always keep your emotions so bottled up all the time? What good does it do?
Ren massaged his throbbing head though it didn't help at all. His mind was lost in a jumble of thoughts which were interrupted when a familiar chicken mascot waved his hand in front of face. "Whassup?
"It's you again!" Ren blinked with surprise.
"The one and only," Kyoko replied in her Bo-voice. "It's been a while. What are you moping about now?"
"Huh?"
"Come on, did you think you weren't obvious? You're practically broadcasting it. Is it one of those pesky, big words again or what?"
Ren didn't deign it necessary to reply.
"Come on. Work with me here. We have a history. Drop this stoic BS for now and just let it out. Tell me what's bothering ya. You'll feel better."
A long time passed but Ren still didn't crack. Kyoko, a.k.a. Bo, had tried everything in her power to make him talk but gave up eventually when she realised that there was no breaking through that stoic wall around him. So she just sat down beside him, hoping against hope, that he might somehow start spilling what was bothering him.
I hate to say it, but what if there's no hope? She thought as paranoia crept inside her. His issue this time around might be on a whole another level. I might be Bo, but what if Bo isn't enough? What else-
"That ever happened to you-" Ren finally caved, and started to speak.
"What? Did you just say something?" Kyoko was so lost in her thoughts that she almost didn't hear him. Startled, she ended up interrupting him.
"Sorry, what did you say?"
Silence.
"Wow, how embarrassed am I? Give it to me again." No! I finally got him to talk and I just had to open my stupid mouth and interrupt him! "Come on, you said it once, you can say it again!"
When he still didn't respond, she grabbed his shoulders and shook him energetically to get his attention. "Look, I'm sorry! Just say it one more time. You have my undivided attention now, I swear!"
"Do you..." Ren caved again.
"Go on!" Cupping her massive chicken wings around her ears so she could hear him more clearly, she urged.
"Do you know what it's like to be in love?" His voice was so quiet that it was almost a whisper.
It was Kyoko's turn to be silent. It was a good thing that her face was covered in a mask because she scowled disgustingly at the word 'love'. Kill me! I'm not here to dread up about your stupid love life! I need you to open up about your creative block! But of course she did not say that out loud.
Wait a second, she cocked her head back at him. His scene with Mizuki, that's where he lost his grip on the character. So maybe there's a connection.
She chose her next words rather carefully so as not to offend him. "Come on, a guy like you has to have been in love dozens of time! You must have plenty of romantic experiences, right?"
The despondent aura radiating off Ren doubled at that. "I know," he croaked dejectedly. "It's not normal for someone my age to never have been in love."
"It's got nothing to do with age, it's more your looks actually," she shook her head. "Nah, nah, guys with that kind of face are usually world class players. I'd peg you for a Casanova-" she ceased rambling when the full meaning of his words finally sank in. Cocking her head abruptly at him, she exclaimed loudly, in disbelief, "woah! Are you saying you've never been in love?"
"Can you please not say it out loud?" Ren blushed. "It's embarrassing."
The news hit her like an electric wave. The Ren Tsuruga, the sexiest male bachelor in Japan, whose smile alone was enough to make any girl fall at his feet, had never been in love! She had to pinch herself to wake up from this nightmare.
Without realising, she gasped aloud at this new discovery, evoking another blush from Ren. It's like I'm sneaking into his school girl secret diary! I'm going to have a heart attack!
"Surprised, aren't you?" Ren went on unabashedly. "Of course, like an idiot I thought I had been in love dozens of time. Untill someone was gracious enough to spell it out for me, and suddenly, I realised I didn't have a clue."
He must be talking about President Takarada, Kyoko figured. He was the only person she could imagine lecturing Ren on love. And now it also made sense why he had been so against him playing Katsuki.
"That person warned me not to accept my current role." Ren confirmed her suspicions. "He told me clearly that without the necessary experience, I'll only be able to copy the original actor's portrayal. But I shrugged him off. Thought to myself, 'what the hell does this guy know about acting? About me?' Turned out, he really knew."
Oh Ren, Kyoko's heart broke with every word she heard him speak. She couldn't bear to see him falling apart like that.
"I've no idea what it feels like to be in love with someone I shouldn't. I've always been in control of my emotions. I've never been swept away. Intellectually, I know that forbidden love is like staring into the sun, but I've never felt it." He wasn't talking to Bo anymore. All the pressure, the thoughts that were constantly plaguing his mind since Dark Moon, he was just letting it all out. "What do I do now? I obsess over how the original Katsuki approached the role. I've picked the source material apart, frame by frame. And for what? Imitation is a cheap trick. Compared to the original, I'm a fraud. Faking my way through every scene, hoping against hope, that no one would notice. The Director saw right through me-"
He was suddenly interrupted by Bo who, out of nowhere, started stomping his foot on the floor.
"What are you doing?" Ren frowned.
"Sorry! Sorry! I'm totally listening, I swear!" Kyoko waved her hands dismissively. "It's just... There was this really nasty looking cockroach and I..." Her voice faultered when she saw the fits of fiery anger rising in the depths of his dark eyes.
His eyes turned into frozen lava as he glared at her through his brows, and bit out, "I'm here pouring my heart out to you and you're stomping on cockroaches? Thanks for that."
Don't tell him the truth! Kyoko resisted the urge to provide Ren an immediate explanation for her unruly behaviour, but that could have defeated the whole purpose of her disguise. The truth was, Ren's story reminded her so much of her own romantic disaster that Sho's image popped into her head. The moment it did, she just lost it.
Ren shot her an arctic beam from his cool, dark eyes and spat angrily, "not to be a diva, but I believe you offered your 'undivided attention'." He grabbed the giant chef's hat which was specially sewn to Bo's head for that week's particular episode, and pulled. "Seems like I'm not the only one failing to do my role justice!"
Trust me Ren, you do not wanna do this! Kyoko caught the chicken mask from below just in time as Ren started to tug it off her head. They both pulled with all their might in opposite directions until a loud scratch of ripping fabric ceased their actions.
Kyoko looked at the big chef's hat in Ren's hands and then patted her bare head to make sure it was really gone before she shouted dramatically, "what did you do? You monster!"
Kyoko harrumphed loudly.
"Don't be like that," Ren failed to resist his urge to grin. "Just don't move your head around. See, you're fine, no one will even notice." He patted her shoulder sympathetically.
"What are you talking about? Of course they'll notice. Are you insane?" She snapped at him through clenched teeth. The thick chicken suit failed to hide her resentment at him for tearing off the giant chef's hat off her skull.
"Look," Ren shot back. "It's your right to be pissed off about it as much as you want, but bear that in mind, none of this would have happened if you had just listened to me like you said you would."
Kyoko cocked her head abruptly in his direction to shoot back a nasty reply, but the long chef's hat - which had been just sitting on her head - toppled off, revealing the bare white skull of Bo.
Before Ren could stop himself, he erupted into a laughter so hard that he nearly fell out of his chair, because of the hilarious sight in front of him.
Kyoko was really pissed off about her costume getting damaged, but it turned out to be worth it when the sound of his laughter warmed her heart. Well, he has at least got his sense of humour back, she thought with a small smile, before her eyes turned sad again. And I also know why he is having so much trouble with this part. Even though there's nothing I can do for him than listen. Though it's not enough to actually help.
Ren got up from his chair, "I should be going." He smiled that angelic smile at her which made her heart swell. "See you around, Chicken. Thanks for cheering me up. I really needed it."
Kyoko couldn't help smiling back, even though she knew he couldn't see it. Patting his back, she said, "don't worry about the role. The two of you will sync up before long. I'll bet my tail feathers on it." She crossed her arms and nodded encouragingly.
"Interesting choice of words." Putting on his thinking face, Ren mumbled, "I won't be in sync with Katsuki until I know what love is." Stroking his chin, he started pacing the floor as he pondered aloud. "If only I could get my head around such a complex emotion by proxy. There must be an intellectual component to the idea of romance. If I can fix that what's in my mind, my heart will follow. Surely someone must have written a book." His face lit up when he finally found himself a lead to follow.
Kyoko hated to burst his bubble, but he needed to hear the truth in order to play Katsuki. "You might be overthinking it just a tad."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. You ever felt that surge inside of you when you hear a certain person's voice or catch a glimpse of them in the street? You ever find yourself thinking about someone a million times a day?" Kyoko knew there was no 'explaining' love, but there was no harm in trying, so she went for it.
"That seems like a lot," Ren blinked cluelessly. His face as blank as a sheet. "I don't think I know what you mean."
Really? Not even a little? She almost shouted at him. She was utterly stunned at how Ren could be so mature when it came to any other thing but as clueless as a lost puppy when it came to love. Wow! this is way worse than I thought. This poor dope wouldn't know love if it kicked him in the shins and took his wallet! She sighed and sank back in her share fruitlessly. I can't take it, this situation is officially hopeless!
"Are you okay?" Ren asked.
What do I do? Is Katsuki a lost cause? She racked brain for answers. No! He must have been through at least the preliminary stages of love at some point of his life. Alright! She cracked her knuckles. Gotta start with the basics!
"Hey, have you ever seen someone move in a certain way, or smile, and thought, 'wow, she is hot or whatever'. And you suddenly find yourself just...standing there staring at her like she was the only girl on earth?"
Unbidden, the images of Kyoko flashed in his mind. Her cheerful smile, that was enough to make him want to smile as well. The playful glimmer in her big hazel eyes - he wondered how he never realised before just how many times he had drowned in them and lost himself gazing at those beautiful golden orbs which were as radiating as the sun. And her bubbly voice, which always made him want to never leave her side. "Does it mean anything?" He muttered timidly. "Assuming I have."
Yes! We have a breakthrough! Kyoko grinned. Her eyes almost teared up with hope. "Don't you get it?" She put both hands on his shoulders and looked up at him. "that's how it starts!"
Ren contemplated on her words and asked himself what exactly Kyoko meant to him. After giving it some serious thought, he answered honestly. It's like, I don't know, she just does something to me. Her look. Her energy. That face. The whole package. So if I think about her a million times a day, does that automatically translate into being love?
He glanced up at the Chicken sitting beside him uncertainly. I mean, according to Bo, yeah. So is that what I am reduced to? Talking it out with some guy in a chicken suit?
"Look, thank you. I appreciate the explanation. But you're making it sound way simpler than it is."
"Huh?" Kyoko rolled her eyes. "Sounds to this birdbrain like someone's in denial."
"It's just..." Ren sighed. "She is so young."
Kyoko gasped and then shouted, "yay! Victory!" Because of the fact that there actually was someone and the situation wasn't as hopeless as it seemed at first. Now all she had to do was convince Ren to go after her. That was the only way he could learn to love and portray Katsuki.
"Is there a special reason you're so excited?" He raised an eyebrow.
"Why can't you just be happy? Love is love! Amigo, please, loosen up! The age difference plays in your characters dilemma, doesn't it? Use it! All that nonsense about you not understanding how Katsuki feels! Pursuing her is what will deepen your portrayal of him!"
"Pursuing her? There is no way I can do that."
"Why not?"
"Well, she happens to be in highschool."
"So? She must be at least 16, that's legal! It's not much at all." She folded her big chicken finger into a thumbs-up for approval. "She is a super great girl, just go after her!"
"You don't even know her," Ren pointed out.
Kyoko ignored him. Laughing like the evil queen, she suggested excitedly, "seduce her!"
"Woah! Easy!" Ren backed away a few steps. "You almost sound like a gangster brokering a marriage deal!"
"Hey, nobody said anything about marriage!"
Ren sighed and sank back into his chair again. His eyes turned sad. "Falling in love, it's just not an option for me. Specially now."