word count: 785
Lily loves the pumpkin patch. It's like one of Hogwarts' best kept secrets, hidden in plain sight. Maybe most people just don't find pumpkins to be worth their time. Whatever the reason, it's their loss and her gain. It's always so quiet here, peaceful. It's the perfect place to meet the boy she loves, though she can only love him when they're hidden away.
As if summoned by her thoughts, Remus appears, offering her a small, shy smile. That's what she loves best about him. He's so soft and kind, so unlike some of the other boys in their year (namely the boys he hangs out with). "You came," he says, and she wonders why he sounds so surprised.
Lily laughs. "Of course I came, silly. Why wouldn't I?"
It's been days since they had last been able to sneak away. Lily hates how secretive they have to be, but she knows Remus has his reasons. James Potter might be an arrogant toerag, but he is still Remus' friend, and Remus would never do anything to hurt him. Lily bites back a groan. It's just her luck that she would fall in love with the boy who's friends with the idiot who thinks he loves her. It isn't fair.
"Is something wrong?" Lily asks.
Remus is looking at a rather large pumpkin like it's the most interesting thing in the world, like he can't seem to pry his eyes away. Still, despite the way he can't seem to stop looking at it, there's no real interest in his expression, and she knows he's only doing it to avoid looking at her.
Her heart sinks. She doesn't know what's wrong, only that something clearly is. "Remus? You know you can tell me anything, right?"
Except she gets the feeling she doesn't really want to hear whatever it is he has to say. The words he's keeping bottled up seem to keep him on edge, and Lily can only assume they'll hurt them both.
Still, her mum always says it's like ripping a plaster off. It might hurt, but doing it quickly makes it easier. Maybe that's the case here. Maybe she won't like what she has to say, but there's no need to put it off.
"Go ahead," she says, and she hates the way her voice quivers. "I can take it."
Remus pulls his attention away from the pumpkin at last, and his amber eyes are so pained that LIly almost wishes she hadn't come at all. Maybe it would have been better to put this off a little longer. She hates seeing Remus look so hurt, and she would do anything to take those bad feelings away from him.
"Lily, I love you," he says softly.
"I love you too," she assures him, and those words are the most natural things in the world, and saying them is as easy as breathing.
"But I can't do this anymore."
Her chest constricts. She takes a deep breath, but it so strained and ragged, and it doesn't seem to fill her lungs. "Wh-what do you mean?"
"James is my friend."
Lily deflates ever so slightly. She's wondered exactly when they would have this conversation. They've danced around it time and time again, but they've never embraced it. Both have always known that talking about it would mean the end. Maybe Remus just couldn't take it anymore. Maybe it's all too much.
"I love you," Lily says. "Not James. Never James."
"I know, but think about it. What would happen if we went public with our relationship? It would destroy James. I can't... I could never do that to my friend. I know you think poorly of him, but he and Sirius were the first people to actually want to be my friends. What sort of friend would I be if I just..."
Lily wishes she could be angry with him. Hell, she can't even be upset with James, which is definitely a first. This is just who Remus is, a genuinely good bloke. How could she expect anything less from someone so bloody selfless?
She moves closer and takes his hand, smiling softly. "Not gonna lie, it hurts like hell," she tells him.
"I'm sorry."
"But I should have known this was coming." She stands on her tiptoes and kisses his cheek. "I'll always love you."
"I promise, I'll always love you too."
There's nothing left to do or say. Lily nods at him and lets go of his hand. It's going to sting for a while, but she knows she's going to be okay. At least Remus is still her friend. As long as he's in her life, she knows it can't be too bad.
