The look of dawning realization on Monika's face was one Rob had seen many times before. Whenever someone in his life found out about Lauren's death, they would immediately decide that it explained everything about him. Were they entirely wrong? He couldn't even count the number of times Lilly questioned him about his feelings until his sister was inevitably brought up.
After the brief walk to her grave, Monika knelt down to get a look at the inscription. "Born 1985, died…1988? But that means you were just a kid!"
"Five years old. Same as the boys."
Monika placed her hand over her mouth in shock at the implications of that comment. It must have been nice not to worry about it every day the way he did. Despite all he had been through in his life, his absolute worst fear was for one of his children to have to grow up without the other. To turn out like him.
Whenever he thought about her death, there was a paradox that continued to baffle him. Was he a depressed adult because this happened to him as a child? But depression was supposed to be a biological illness, so was he doomed to be depressed regardless of how his life went? He hated that thought. Blaming his depression on being hurt so badly as a child at least gave it some weight and meaning. Or was it similar to a person's capacity for addiction? If a potential addict never has a drop of alcohol, he won't become an alcoholic. Was the risk of depression always there and he had just been unlucky enough to suffer a major loss to get the ball rolling? He wasn't sure he would ever know.
"How did it happen?" Monika asked softly.
"Congenital heart defect," he answered. "She was in and out of the hospital since she was born. If she was born now, they could probably save her, but this was the 1980s."
"Do you remember her?"
"A little bit," he said. "I'm grateful for that. It's not much, just a few moments that I've been able to hold onto. As far as the death itself, that's gone. I've got a whole year of my life that just went down a black hole. I don't even remember being told that it happened, although obviously I was."
"What about your brother?" Monika asked. "How old was he?"
"He wasn't actually born until 1990 so he missed this whole thing. He's like me in a lot of ways, except for this. If you ever meet him, you'll understand the difference right away."
"Your memories of her…what are they like?"
"The most substantial one I have is us sitting at a table. She asked me to draw a bird. She would name a body part and I would add it to the bird. We got to the end and she said 'make its feets.'"
He smiled a little bit. "I knew that wasn't right grammatically, but I kept that to myself. Didn't want to hurt her feelings."
Monika looked like she wanted to say something else, but instead she suddenly buried her face in her hands. Was she crying?
"What's wrong?"
She stood up and tried to compose herself. "It isn't fair."
He gave a slight nod. "No, it's not. I'm glad you agree."
Monika wrapped one arm around his waist and leaned her head against his shoulder. "Me and my big mouth, huh? I didn't mean to bring all this up."
"This was always going to happen at some point," Rob said.
"When I found out I was in a game, it only took me a few days to snap. You've been living with this for thirty years. I'm so weak."
"Don't do that," Rob gently admonished. "It's not fair to yourself."
"I just feel very young…and very silly."
"You know, we moved into a new house sometime after she died. It was being built while she was in the hospital. It's not too far from here, actually."
"Do you remember that?"
"I don't remember moving in, but there was one day I was playing out on the front lawn. There were some woods right on the edge of the property and I was just goofing around. I didn't see the copperhead until it was almost too late."
Monika looked up at him. "A copperhead? That's a snake, isn't it?"
"Yeah. It's not even that big, but to a little kid that fucker was larger than life. Not to mention that poison is a lot more dangerous when you're young."
"What happened?"
"My Dad rushed over and beat it to death with a shovel. I think he was venting some anger. Can you imagine that? One child already dead and another one being threatened by a poisonous snake?"
She squeezed him just a little harder. "No, I can't."
"Monika, if there's one thing I'd like you to take away from this, it's that life in this world is not planned out like a game. It's random and we can lose everything in the blink of an eye. You've got to treasure the people who care about you while they're still here."
"I know what you're getting at," she said. "You want me to make things right with the girls."
"When you're ready," Rob replied. "And when they're ready."
They stood there for a few more minutes; the only noises were the gusts of wind that passed over the top of the hill. Just before Rob was ready to walk back to the car, he caught notice of a few tiny white snowflakes.
"Oh look, it's snowing."
"Not again!" Monika said. "It's supposed to be Spring!"
He laughed. "Welcome to New England."
She didn't say much during the ride home, but she did hold his hand for the short walk back to the car and for most of the drive. Back at home, the twins were eager to play and Rob took turns carrying them around the house on his back. Monika watched most of this with a slight smile but her mind was clearly elsewhere.
By the time Andrew and Lucas were in bed, Rob began to feel guilty. He didn't intend for her to be sad for the entire day and was forced to reckon with a truth that his poor self-esteem rarely tolerated. She was sad because she cared about him. He had convinced himself for so many years that nobody gave a shit about anything that happened to him but he couldn't deny it now. Outside the window, the snow continued to pile up.
Before heading downstairs to see her, Rob looked over his DVD racks and selected Office Space, which he had seen at least a dozen times. Except for The Room, she had been almost exclusively taking in "art" films and it might be time for something with more laughs.
While she giggled at the movie's impudent sense of humor, Rob sat next to her on the couch resting his laptop on his legs. After some aimless internet browsing, he got the idea to check the DDLC folder again. Sayori had sent a couple more images and brief notes since he first realized she was reaching out, but he had yet to write back since Monika had asked him not to.
This time around there was a text file called "My New Poem!" How could he resist?
The Ladder
I spent so many days in that dark cavern
The only way out was up
Sometimes I felt hopeless
But the ladder was always there.
One day I lost my grip on the ladder
I thought I fell but I was pushed
The ground gave way underneath me
And I couldn't see the ladder.
It was so dark that I lost myself
Couldn't see my hands right in front of my face
I had given up on seeing the sun again
But then the ladder was there.
How did it find me?
How was it able to reach so far down?
Why was it so determined?
The ladder didn't answer.
I'm now back above the ground
But the edge of the cavern is still next to me
If I should fall back into the dark
I know the ladder will be there.
Well, now he had to wipe tears from his eyes. Not a major surprise since Natsuki's "Because You" poem had the same effect when he first saw it, but Monika still noticed.
"I thought this was a funny movie," she said.
"It is," Rob answered. "My mind just wandered, I guess."
She might not have bought it but thankfully his favorite line from the movie came along to prompt a reassuring laugh.
"It looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately."
"I wouldn't say I've been…missing it, Bob."
After making sure that the movie had her full attention, Rob opened up a text file in the DDLC folder. He couldn't leave Sayori hanging any longer. It was a little absurd that he was trying to hide this from Monika, given that it was his game on his computer in his house, but what if she felt compelled to delete it? He could theoretically "resurrect" the girls by downloading the game again, but he didn't go through the trouble of getting that "good" ending to start from scratch now.
Hi Sayori,
It's me. Thank you for such a sweet poem and thank you for telling Monika that you're all okay. Once I met her, it didn't take long for my thoughts to turn to you three. Knowing that you're at least safe has really helped with this latest bout of depression. How are you feeling? How are Yuri and Natsuki? What happened to MC after the game ended? Do I need to straighten him out? I just have so many questions for you.
According to Monika, she was in awful pain and discomfort when the game was turned off. That's not what's happening to you, is it? Cause I can leave it running if that will help. She's been doing well here. I hope at one point she will be able to live independently although we would have a lot of logistical issues to work through before that was possible.
If there's anything I can ever do for you guys, please tell me. Maybe one day we'll meet? I'm not ruling out anything at this point. Take care of yourself and the others.
Love,
Rob
He had no clue how long it would take Sayori to find that note and write a response, so he set the laptop down on the ground and turned his attention back to the movie.
"What's got you so busy?" Monika asked.
"Just doing some writing," Rob said. "I used to do it for a living, but it's been a long time since I just sat and wrote something."
"That's great! If you ever want to show me something you've written, I'd be really interested…even though I've forgotten most of my writing tips."
"Sure, I might do that." He sat back against the couch and noticed Monika looking at him expectantly. Eventually, she beckoned him with both hands.
"Come here."
Rob inched over and Monika entwined both her arms around one of his, clutching his hand and leaning on his shoulder. She had learned that this kind of thing was about as far as she could go without him objecting. It was still questionable, but he was willing to take the risk for now. Sometimes it felt like Monika was the only one in the house who wanted to be close to him. The boys rarely slowed down enough and Kate…she just didn't seem to regard it as a high priority. Not as long as there was work to do and bills to pay.
After the movie, Monika gave him the kiss on the cheek that was her typical way of saying goodnight and walked off into her room. Rob carried the laptop back upstairs and set it on his desk. He figured he would check the DDLC folder once before bedtime and sure enough, there was a new note.
Hi Rob!
I'm so glad you wrote! You're so nice to ask what you can do for us when you've already done so much. I owe you everything and I want you to know that. But if you want to do something fun that would be appreciated, the girls have been asking about new outfits and I can't really make them out of thin air. So if you wanted to move some images of different clothes into the game folders, I can take it from there. We could even send you some pictures! Nothing naughty, please!
So let me try and answer your questions. Natsuki and Yuri are doing great. The three of us spend a lot of time together. Their personality quirks are mostly as you remember them, but without anyone messing with the character files and a few other problems dealt with, they are safe. I've told them bits and pieces of the truth. They know that you are from another world and you had the power to watch this one for a while. I haven't mentioned the whole video game thing. I don't know how they would react and the more I think about it, I don't know how much it matters.
As for MC, he's a different story. He hasn't moved from that desk where Monika had him sitting when she took over the game. Just sits there like a vegetable. He doesn't have a character file, so I really don't know how to help him. He's meant to sync with you during the game, but now he's just empty.
You don't have to worry about keeping the game off. I think what Monika experienced was because the game hadn't yet finished so she was aware of our entire world being frozen in time when you weren't playing. Now that you've finished, we have more freedom than she ever did.
I want to be honest with you, Rob. I don't know how to feel about her living in your home. I'm sure you're a good influence but I can't help but think it's just so unfair that she got to meet you while we're still here and can only talk like this. I would love to see you in person, but I still have no idea how Monika pulled that off. Maybe one day we can figure it out together? Until then, let's keep talking, okay?
Your loving waifu, (just kidding but I do love you!)
Sayori
Nothing naughty, huh? So much for Yuri in a French maid outfit. Respecting her wishes, Rob compiled pictures of some costumes he liked from various movies and games before doing a google search for "Academy Awards red carpet" to find some dresses for them. He even threw in some male outfits in case they wanted to go in that direction. Before going to bed, he had assembled about three dozen outfits for them and hoped it would make for a fun slumber party.
The next morning started early with a robocall from the local school district informing him that the school day had been canceled due to the weather. A glance out the window revealed what he estimated as 18 inches of snow. Could have been worse.
Rob typically found snow hats and scarves to be itchy and uncomfortable, but a jacket, boots and gloves were essential for the business of snow shoveling. Some of his neighbors had snow blowers, but he never found that idea to be worth dropping several hundred dollars. Shoveling was good exercise and everyone was always describing exercise as some kind of miracle cure for depression. Rob wasn't sure about that, but he did notice that he lost a few pounds every winter.
It wasn't long until the others came out to join him. Andrew and Lucas, bundled tightly in snow clothing that must have weighed almost as much as them, rushed outside and began digging tunnels across the front lawn. Monika happily grabbed the other shovel and joined Rob in digging out the driveway. Kate focused her attention on the cars, which were also covered.
Rob was pleasantly surprised to find that the process of clearing the driveway out went much faster with two people, especially a partner who was in as good shape as Monika. She seemed to relish the exertion given how cooped up she had been ever since her arrival. It wasn't long until the driveway was usable again, although the pile of white boulders at the end was always a challenge. Before long, another plow would be along to leave another mound of snow between them and the road. With the work done, Rob wandered over to the house to examine the icicles now hanging from the edge of the roof.
"Check this shit out," Rob said to Monika as he pulled a particularly dense icicle off the house. "It's like an ice sword."
Monika said something back, but he didn't hear it. His attention was drawn to Andrew, who had dug his way to the end of the lawn and was wandering onto the road. At the same time, a pick-up truck was slowly moving in their direction.
Rob sprinted down the newly cleared driveway still holding the icicle. The truck didn't seem to realize Andrew was there. In one fluid motion, Rob pulled Andrew out of the way and hurled the icicle at the truck just as it passed by. It shattered against the back window. The driver slowed down to a stop.
"Why you throw that, Daddy?" Andrew asked. He had no clue how much danger he had just been in.
Rob looked at Monika. "Get me another icicle."
"Monika, don't you dare!" Kate shouted.
"Fine, I'll use something else." After sending Andrew off towards the house, Rob pulled his shovel out of the snow bank where it had been resting. Gripping it tightly, he waited for the driver of the truck to come out. After a few minutes of tense silence, the vehicle drove off.
"You're crazy," Kate said, making her way towards him.
"He didn't even apologize," Rob said.
"Of course he didn't!" Kate replied. "You were ready to pummel him with that shovel! Why couldn't you just give him the middle finger like a normal person?"
Rob was disgusted. "He almost runs over our kid but I'm the asshole. That's fuckin' great."
Kate sighed. "You're impossible."
She walked away from him. Rob tossed the shovel back into the snow bank. Monika was standing near the boys with an uncertain look on her face. He shook his head and wondered if anyone would ever really understand him. There was someone who might, but she was stuck inside a game.
