Disclaimer: Law & Order SVU/OC and its characters don't belong to me. This story has been written for fun only, not for money.

Spoilers: SVU S23x10 (Silent Night, Hateful Night), reference to The Five Hundredth Episode

Summary: Olivia is coping with the Christmas shooting in her own way and Elliot goes to confront her.

Feedback: I always love to have feedbacks on my work so I can improve my writing. Any advice, constructive comments and suggestions are welcomed.

Notes: Yes, I wrote another fic about the end of this episode...it's a standalone, so if you read my other work you can separate the two. I just need Elliot to comforts her i guess haha

Enjoy and please review!

This isn't You

By musical-Aven

Olivia vigorously opened the door of her apartment after the fourth *obnoxious* knock. She was SO not in the mood for this right now.

"What?"

Elliot stared at her, concerned. She looked exhausted and, judging by the glass of red wine in her hand, she was also drunk.

"I know I'm here without notice, but you wouldn't answer the phone. I got worried." He apologized.

Of course he had heard about the shooting. And of course he had to show up at her place. But she wasn't in the mood. She turned back to her living room, leaving the door opened, because she just knew he wasn't going away.

Elliot walked in and closed the door behind him. She was in-shock, he noticed, and he needed to diffuse this.

"Where's Noah?"

"He's not here." was all she offered.

She finished her glass and went to refill it with the last of the bottle that was on the table.

"Want one?" she offered.

"How many does that make for you?"

"What, you're my babysitter now?"

She was angry, unfiltered. It had been a while since he had handled a drunk and in-shock Olivia.

Still waiting for his answer, she gulped her whole glass and went to the kitchen where she took out a new bottle.

Elliot carefully stepped into the kitchen, staying far enough from her so that she didn't feel trapped.

"This isn't you, Liv." He said.

She sighed loudly, as if she didn't want to get into a fight, but that it was inevitable.

"Yes it is." She replied coldly, without looking at him.

Elliot frowned. She was unapologetic about it. As if it were true. As if she didn't care. She got the opener and continued working on the bottle.

"No it's not." He argued.

"Elliot, drop it."

"You don't turn to the bottle after a bad day."

"How would you know?!" she snapped and looked at him with furious eyes. "This," she showed the bottle, "this is me now, Elliot. When things go really bad. This is me. It's been me since-" she stopped herself when images of Lewis popped into her head. She shook it once and kept talking. "This is what I do. So, either you accept it or you walk away now." She challenged him.

But Elliot saw through her anger. He knew she was just trying to push him away because she was hurting but what she really wanted was the opposite. Looking into her defying eyes, he saw them shimmer for just a second. He then realized that she was afraid he would actually walk away if she told him to. But he wasn't going anywhere. He showed her by standing firm, in the middle of her kitchen. After a moment, behind her anger, he saw her nodding once, relieved to see that he was staying.

He had never seen her like this. So angry, shouting at him. She seemed so dark. Of course, 23 years in SVU would have taken a toll on anybody. But this was Liv. And it was something more than the SVU years. Something had happened, it dawn on him.

"This isn't you." He pushed, repeating himself in a calm voice and taking a step closer.

She snorted, already tired of the fight, and turned back to the bottle. But Elliot wasn't done pushing.

"This is Serena. Not you."

Olivia stilled at his comment. She turned her head slowly and looked at him with an expression he rarely saw from her. She was beyond pissed.

"You've got some nerves, Stabler." She said, her voice dangerously low.

With a loud pop, she opened the new bottle, her eyes never leaving his.

Ok that wasn't the route to go, he thought. He tried to come up with something else but she beat him to it and started talking.

"You know, lately, I had a revelation. Well, a couple of them." She smiled but clearly it wasn't from a fond memory. "One really life-shattering." She paused and turned to him. "I discovered that my mother actually did care for me after all. She loved me. Tried to protect me."

Elliot raised his eyebrows at the turn of the conversation. It must have been a huge revelation for her, given her relationship with her mother, but he didn't know how this related to everything else.

"I'm sure she did." He tried smoothly. "She just wasn't good at showing it."

She looked at him for a moment, not disagreeing with him, and brought her newly filled glass of wine to her lips.

"You're not her though." He reiterated, gently taking the glass from her.

He put it back on the counter, at enough distance from her. She followed the glass with her eyes, the fight leaving her a little.

Olivia was cornered in her own kitchen, the sink behind her and Elliot in front. She felt the exhaustion take over, again. When the adrenaline rush had subsided, the alcohol had helped her keep the images of the shoot out of her head for a while. The fight with Elliot was helping keeping her thoughts away but his stubbornness was starting to crack her armor.

Laughing at herself, she realized how *nobody*, could have spoken to her like this, ever. Not just bringing her mother, or the relationship she had with her, in her face like that. Nobody confronted her these days. Weather it was because of her rank or because they saw her near the edge, she didn't know, or care. But no one was saying anything. At first she thought it was fine by her because she could deal with things the way she wanted and nobody asked any question. But as Elliot kept pushing her tonight, something in her stomach started to get warm. She was nowhere near ready to admit it, but it felt nice to have someone who cared enough to fight her about it.

Sighing, she turned to face the counter giving into her living room, putting both hands on it as if to support herself. Elliot kept still on her left.

"I can't stop shaking." She said in a small voice.

He stepped closer, stopping a few inches from touching her.

"You're fighting for control." He almost whispered. "Let me have it for a while so you can have a break. I've got you, Liv."

He invaded her space, and she surprisingly accepted it. They weren't touching but his comforting words tempted her. She closed her eyes, still fighting for control.

"I can't." she said, stubbornly. She had to stay strong.

"Can't or won't?"

She seemed to think for a while.

"I don't trust you enough."

There it was. The truth, as much as it hurt her to say it, and him to hear it.

"I get it. But you do trust me a little or else you wouldn't have let me in here tonight. So lay it on me, as much as you're willing to give me, I'll carry it for you."

He was so close. She finally leaned just slightly so that her shoulder touched his chest. She registered his arms going around her gently. Her eyes still closed, she breathed for a moment. The fight for control was getting more and more difficult to hold.

Elliot noticed she was shaking from the shock of the event but he also knew that the exhaustion was adding to it. Slowly and gently, he managed to turn her in his arms so that her face went to his neck and he was hugging her safely. Elliot knew Olivia was still holing back from letting go completely, but he took whatever she was willing to give him.

They stayed like this for a while.

"Will you leave again?" she whispered into his neck.

She sounded like a frail little girl, but at this point she really didn't care.

"No." he spoke confidently into her hair. "I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere. I'm won't leave you again, Liv, I promise."

He gave her a minute to take his words in, and then felt her exhale, give in completely and relax against him. He held her like this for a long time, rocking them on their feet a little. He had won back some of her trust tonight, but he sure as hell wasn't stopping there.

musical-Aven

January 2022