Spencer didn't get a wink of sleep that night, too busy trying not to have a complete breakdown. He just couldn't wrap his head around the fact that Derek thought he of all people would cheat, and didn't even bother talking to him about it first before giving him the cold shoulder.
It hurt more than he expected because he and Derek had always talked to each-other about things, had always gotten the other's side of the story before assuming. He just couldn't work out why Derek didn't come to him first about something like this, why his side of the story didn't matter.
He also can't even begin to imagine what Derek must have been going through; thinking his boyfriend was cheating on him. No matter how angry he was at Derek, no matter how much he wanted to yell at him for being so stupid, he couldn't help but feel bad for the man.
The night was spent curled up in bed, tears streaming down his face, mind and heart racing. He had spent almost a month in complete agony, thinking that Derek was going to break up with him, and now he can't help but wonder if he still has to worry.
It had been so long since the two kissed, since they had been intimate, since they hugged, and all Spencer wanted was to be back in Derek's arms again.
He just couldn't bring himself to call him though. Derek ignoring him made him insecure, made him put his walls back up, made him go back to being that shy, young boy he used to be.
Derek had always told him to come to him about anything, that Spencer could tell him whatever was on his mind, but now Spencer wasn't so sure he could still do that.
It made his heart ache to even think it, but he can't help but wonder if they're relationship can survive this.
Somehow, Spencer managed to fall asleep in the early hours of the morning, but was woken up to a persistent knock on the door.
He really didn't want to talk to any one, in fact he would much rather wallow in self pity for the rest of the day, but he knew whoever it was most likely would leave until he answered the door.
Groaning softly, Spencer stood, grabbing a hoodie that was thrown on the foot of the bed. It was unreasonably cold in the mornings lately, which made Spencer even more irritated.
Sparing a quick look at the clock beside his bed, Spencer groaned and cursed whoever was at his door for waking him up so early. He knew there was no way he would be able to go back to sleep, so he'd have to force himself to get up and get ready for the day.
Another loud knock sounded as he headed towards the door and he gritted his teeth in irritation, all but swinging his door open. The irritation was soon gone though, replaced with a feeling of anxious because Derek was at his door, looking all too nervous for Spencer's liking.
Derek looked exhausted, dark circles under his eyes and tried up tear tracks on his face. Spencer felt his stomach churn at the rare sight.
"What are you doing here?" Spencer finally managed to find his voice, running a hand through his hair in hopes of hiding the fact he had barely slept this past month.
Derek swallowed visibly and looked down, anxiously playing with his fingers in a way that reminded Spencer of himself.
"I-I wanted to apologise" The older man finally looked up at him, and Spencer felt like crying at the sadness his eyes held.
Spencer shook his head in frustration. "Is that all you came here for? to apologise?"
Derek nodded but quickly corrected himself, eyes widening as he moved to step forward. "No! I came here to explain myself"
For a moment, Spencer considered just shutting the door and going back to bed, but then he realised that he was finally getting answers to questions that had been swirling around in his brain for a month and he knew he had to at least hear Derek out.
He sighed and turned to walk towards the kitchen, prompting Derek to follow. His footsteps sounded heavy against the wooden floorboards and Spencer had never felt this uneasy around his boyfriend before.
"You want a coffee?" He wasn't quite sure why he offered; maybe he just wanted a sense of normality.
"Uh no thanks" Derek declined the offer, seeming just as surprised by the offer as Spencer. He moved to sit at the barstool near the bench and watched as Spencer made himself a coffee, soft brown eyes following every move his boyfriends made.
Spencer took his time making the coffee, mostly because he could barely hold the mug with the way his hands were shaking. All he wanted for the past month was to talk to Derek again, and now that it was finally happening, he had no clue what to say.
Once the coffee was made, Spencer walked past Derek and sat on the couch, hearing the other man's footsteps close behind. It made him nervous, but he managed to hide it as well as he possibly could.
"You wanted to talk, well talk" Spencer didn't mean for his voice to sound so abrupt, but he just couldn't help it,
Derek was quiet for a few seconds, obviously trying to figure out what to say next. It made Spencer feel even more irritated, mostly because the silence meant his thoughts could run wild. He knew that his mind would still be in overdrive during a conversation, but at least he could focus on it a little less.
"Uh yeah" Derek almost stuttered, turning to face Spencer. "I wanted to apologise for how I handled things. I shouldn't have assumed you would do something like that; I should have came to you first, got your side of things"
Spencer couldn't help but snort, because yeah he definitely should have. "Yeah, well you didn't. So"
"Come on, Spence" Derek groaned, reaching out to grab Spencer's free hand. "I apologised, I realise what I did was stupid and I acknowledged it"
Spencer put his mug down so fast he was surprised didn't break, ripping his arm away and standing up. "Wow. Is that really all you have to say?"
Derek stood up too, reaching out for Spencer again but pulling his arm away when the younger man stepped back. "What else is there to say, Reid?"
"I don't know, maybe i'm sorry for ignoring you like a child, i'm sorry for keeping you up every night waiting for you to come home or i'm sorry you had to cry yourself to sleep because of me."
Derek seemed taken aback, eyes softening as all the anger dissipated in his body. He looked hurt, sad even, but most of all he looked guilty.
"I- I didn't know you were that upset" Derek's voice was barely above a whisper, stepping closer and watching as Spencer looked up at him with glossy eyes.
"I thought you were going to leave me, Der"
Those words were enough to break the dam and before he knew it he was being pulled into a warm embrace by strong arms, sobbing all the pain and anguish that had built up in his body over the past few weeks.
Spencer felt at home in Derek's arms, and he soon realised all he wanted was to be able to bury himself in his lover's arms, wanted to be able to cry himself to sleep with the feeling of strong hands running through his hair.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" Derek was crying too, squeezing Spencer so hard he felt like he could pass out; but the younger man didn't mind one bit, not when things were finally working themselves out.
Spencer let himself cry for as long as he possibly could while Derek slowly sat them both down on the couch, pulling the younger man to his chest.
The feeling of his boyfriends tears soaking through his shirt made him feel even worse but he managed to compose himself eventually, keeping his cheek against Derek's strong chest, his heartbeat lulling him into a state of pure content.
"You know, even while you were being so distant with me, I couldn't help but worry what was going on in your mind"
Derek let out a sigh, fingers gently brushing the stray curls out of his face the way he always does when they're alone. "I was so heartbroken when I saw you with that guy, I wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me"
"I know, and i'm sorry"
"Why are you apologising? I'm the one who ignored you like a child and made you think the worst"
Spencer turned his head to face him then, resting his chin on his boyfriends broad chest. "Because I can't even begin to imagine what it must have felt like for you, thinking you had been cheated on"
Derek face softened even more, closing his eyes and sighing as tears slowly slid down his cheeks. "I can't believe after what I did to you, you were still worried about me"
Spencer didn't say anything, just shuffled further up the couch so he could rest his head against Derek's cheek. It felt more then amazing to be able to do this again after weeks of not touching at all, and Spencer hoped the warm feeling he gets will never go away.
The two stayed tangled together for quite some time, Derek gently combing his fingers through his boyfriend's curls as Spencer curled up against the side of his body. Normally, this would put Spencer to sleep, but his mind was just so overworked sleep wasn't even on his mind.
"What do we do now?" Derek asked after a while. Spencer looked up at him and sighed, shaking his head.
Truthfully, he had no clue. He used to think he and Derek could get through anything together, but now he's not so sure. He doesn't know if he'll ever be able to forget the pain he felt watching his boyfriend slowly drift away, and he's not sure if that's something he wants to live with for the rest of his life.
"I'm not sure"
Spencer let out a breath and sat up, running a hand through his hair. He knew deep down in his heart that he didn't want to break up with Derek, but he wasn't sure how they could ever get past this. This wasn't just some miscommunication, it was something that almost cost them their relationship, and Spencer wasn't sure if he could ever forget about that.
"I don't want to break up" Spencer finally said, turning to look back at his boyfriend.
Derek's eyes lit up, a grin spreading his lips wide. He let out a relieved breath and wrapped his arms around Spencer's side, guiding him to lie back down.
"You have no idea how happy that makes me, baby. I was so scared I had ruined everything"
Spencer could hear the excitement in his voice, but he could also hear the nerves that wobbled his speech, the uncertainty. It made his heart clench with guilt, realising just how much breaking up would not only effect Spencer, but Derek as well.
"Derek, you and I both know this isn't something we can just forget about and move on, at least not without some ground rules"
Spencer didn't mean to drench the flame that was Derek's happiness, but he knew things needed to be established if they were to move on. If things were to ever go back to the way they were before, if incidents like this were to be prevented, both men needed to have a talk.
Derek's smile vanished as soon as it came, eyes dimming with worry and desperation. "Of course, pretty boy. I'll do anything if it means we can go back to normal"
"Well for starters, we need to talk to each other more. If something is bothering either person, we need to speak out minds. Communication is very important in a relationship."
Derek reached out and took both of Spencer's smaller hands in his larger ones, bringing their joined hands to his mouth. "I know, baby, and I'm so sorry I assumed. I should have talked to you first, I will always regret that"
Spencer shook his head. "I know, Der. Let's just focus on the future and try to forget the past. I love you so much, that's never going to change"
"I love you more then life itself, Spencer. And I plan on spending the rest of our lives showing you that"
Spencer tried to hide the blush that rose to his cheeks but he knew it was no use; Derek could always tell. Instead of replying he leaned forward and pressed their lips together, sighing contently at the feeling.
No matter how hard he tried he couldn't stop his eyes from watering at the feeling of finally being able to kiss his boyfriend again. There were times where he wondered if he would ever get to feel Derek's lips on his again, and he was so ecstatic that he finally could.
Derek didn't comment on the tears sliding down his cheeks, just gently used his thumb to wipe them away, pressing a lingering kiss to his forehead.
Things would be hard, it would take a while to get back into sync, but deep down Spencer knew they would be okay in the end.
