Chapter 19—"If I Can't Love Her"


She probably should have let herself calm down first, but Belle went straight for Fiona. The fact that the Black Fairy had just returned to the castle probably helped with that decision; Rumplestiltskin was hiding somewhere and refusing to talk to her, but Fiona was right there. And when Belle really wanted to break things down, this was at least fifty percent Fiona's fault. I should have known something like this would happen when I chose to believe the Black Fairy might have good intentions. Why was I foolish enough to listen to her? Belle wanted to scream in frustration. She'd chosen to stay here because she believed Rumplestiltskin was a good man inside, but what if that goodness had been burned out by years and years of being the Dark One? What if the Blue Fairy had been right?

You know there's good in him, a traitorous voice inside her pointed out, but Belle pushed it aside. She hoped there was good in Rumplestiltskin, but there was no saving someone who didn't want to be saved. Even Fiona had to know that.

"Is this all a game to you?" Belle demanded as Fiona brushed dust off of her long black skirts. "Playing with my emotions, hoping I'd fall for him, all so you could laugh behind my back?"

Fiona blinked, rearing back in what looked like surprise. "A game? My dear girl, if I were playing a game with you, you'd not be asking me these impertinent questions." She pursed her lips thoughtfully. "You'd probably be bleeding by now, or at least in some similarly unpleasant condition."

"Then why don't you tell me what in the world is going on between Rumplestiltskin and Zelena?"

"Rumplestiltskin and Zelena?" Fiona gaped for a moment before bursting out laughing. "He's spent years desperately trying to avoid her romantic advances. She's always been clingy and grotesque. Has something changed?"

Belle felt hope surging in her chest and ruthlessly suppressed it. "Then why won't he say that?"

"Because Rumplestiltskin doesn't tell his left hand what his right hand is doing unless he needs both for his current scheme." Fiona snorted. "Unfortunately, he needs the obnoxious little chit, so he can't tell her to swan off."

"Needs her for what?" She narrowed her eyes distrustfully. Fiona wasn't above lying, Belle knew; she was the Black Fairy and would do whatever she felt needed to be done. Fiona deemed nothing more important than protecting her son, and while Belle could admire that at times, right now it was more of an obstacle.

Fiona's eyes shot to the side shiftly. "Well…that's complicated."

"Oh, really?" Because that didn't sound suspicious at all.

"Oh, don't be a bother. He's not in love with the jealous green harpy, and that's really all you care about, isn't it? Rumplestiltskin has nefarious plans involving her, of course, but that's hardly to be unexpected. She's useful, even if she is the most annoying creature in creation."

"And of course you're not going to bother to tell me what that plan is." Part of Belle felt better hearing—twice!—that Rumplestiltskin had no feelings for Zelena, but even thinking that made her feel guilty. After all, if the Dark One was up to something 'nefarious' with the Wicked Queen, that probably wasn't good for anyone.

Except for perhaps Fiona, who just waved her question off with a languid smile. "It's his business. I merely help when needed."

Belle fought back the urge to groan. How did I wind up living with two capricious and (sometimes) evil people? There's good in both of them, real good, but they push it away like being kind to the average person might give them the pox. Most times, she couldn't decide which of the pair was more difficult, but today, Belle settled on Fiona. Fiona enjoyed some of the games she thought Rumplestiltskin just played for show, and Belle was quite certain that Fiona wouldn't care about redeeming the Dark One if he hadn't been her son. But she does care, because she does love him, so I suppose that's enough.

"I asked him about it," Belle admitted with a sigh. "When I saw them, or maybe her, flirting. He just avoided the question and got nasty about it."

"Stupid boy." Fiona heaved a sigh of her own and turned to look Belle in the eye. "You must remember that Rumplestiltskin is not good at expressing his emotions, Belle. Even if not for that damned curse, he's had his heart broken one too many times. It makes him…touchy."

"I've noticed." Belle knew that Rumplestiltskin had problems, but every time she talked to Fiona, it seemed there was another one to uncover. A treacherous part of her, the part that wanted to take the easy way out, wondered if he really was worth so much work, but the rest of Belle quashed that notion immediately. Of course he's worth it. I can see the good man, the loving man, trying to get out from underneath that darkness. I can't imagine how amazing he would be without it marring everything he tries to do.

Yet that was just her optimism speaking. In her heart, Belle knew that she loved Rumplestiltskin as he was, even his dark parts. She burned to save him, of course, but if he couldn't be saved…well, Belle was pretty sure she could love him all the same.

Now if she could just convince Rumplestiltskin of that!


He'd made an utter ass of himself, Rumplestiltskin had. Even with the raging chorus of the other Dark Ones shouting at him, Rumplestiltskin knew that. Belle had asked him a perfectly reasonable question—and the fact that shewanted to know if he was involved with Zelena say volumes!—and he'd toyed with her. He'd played with words and snapped at her, ignoring the compassion shining out of Belle's eyes so that he could make himself feel better through cleverness. His conversation and flirting with Zelena had left him feeling dirty, and Rumplestiltskin knew that he'd taken that out on Belle.

She deserved better. Zoso growled something about him being the Dark One and doing as he pleased, but Rumplestiltskin pushed that aside. His mother would tell him that he should apologize, and if the Black Fairy was going to say something like that, Rumplestiltskin knew that it was the right thing to do. After all, Fiona wasn't exactly the Queen of Making Good Choices (making terrible, family-destroying choices did seem to run in their family), so if she could see that Belle had feelings for him, and even encourage him to reciprocate, it had to be pretty damned obvious. So, Rumplestiltskin swallowed, gathered his courage, and set off to find his maid.

Hell, even Zelena wondered if he had feelings for her. That was worrisome, because Zelena's petty anger could and would strike out at a 'mere maid' if Zelena realized how much Belle meant to Rumplestiltskin. She was both too much like her mother and not enough like Cora; Zelena shared Cora's ambitious dark streak, but she had none of Cora's patient calculation. She was petulant where Cora had been regal, impatient where Cora had been strong. Zelena was a nuisance, but a dangerous one. And now she was sniffing around Belle.

Belle.

The thought of her name left him feeling warm in ways Rumplestiltskin could not remember ever having felt, and despite the never-ending mess of voices in his head objecting to the beautiful brunette, he had no regrets. He was starting to believe that she genuinely cared about him—him!—and somehow, her touch made the voices silent. He had not thought anything could do that, not since Bae, and Rumplestiltskin found himself feeling actual hope for the first time in centuries.

She had laughed with him. And at him, but that was all right. He didn't mind if Belle laughed at him, although Rumplestiltskin wasn't quite sure when that had happened. She was pure light, his Belle, and she had reminded him that living in the shadows was no life at all. Just thinking of her made his heart beat faster. Could she actually have feelings for him? His mother thought so, and even he wasn't so dense as to miss the way she looked at him. Even if she didn't, he owed her an apology. Even if I can never love her openly…to have her friendship is no small thing. So, Rumplestiltskin made detour to the garden before he went back to the great hall. He almost chickened out, but remembering Belle's words helped:

Do the brave thing, and bravery will follow. He could be like his maid, couldn't he? She'd stepped into the unknown, sacrificing herself to save her people. Surely he could dare to demonstrate his feelings, even a little. So, Rumplestiltskin steeled himself and stepped outside, staring at the flowers he'd so often complained about. Spying out the best red rose, he quickly snipped it off the vine and headed back inside to find Belle.


"You finally going to rid of that kid under the Hangman's Tree?"

Felix's question jerked Bae up short. He'd been heading back from the creek when he heard Felix's voice, and although he knew that he shouldn't eavesdrop—particularly not when he was trying to pretend to be on better terms with Pan—he still crept closer to listen.

"Yeah." He could hear Pan's sneer, and its toxic undertones made Bae shiver. "Beans has outlived his usefulness. He can draw pictures of the Truest Believer all day long, but he can't tell me when he's coming. He's worthless."

"You want me to take care of it?" Felix sounded excited, or at least as excited as he ever did. "Or you gonna have the shadow take him somewhere?"

"Nah. We can't afford him sharing secrets about this place. He's a Seer. He's seen too much." Pan snorted. "Not that he's sane enough for most people to listen to, these days."

Felix snickered. "Being buried in a hole a tree can do that, I suppose."

"It was a fun game, but it's time for a new one." Pan seemed to shrug, not that Bae could hear him.

"You want to find another Seer?"

"Maybe. Maybe it's just time to make my worthless son miserable again." He has a son? Bae was staggered by the very thought. How could Pan have a son? Pan was powerful, sure, but he was here in Neverland, which kept him young like the rest of them. Pan was barely older than Bae, and Bae sure wasn't ready to have a kid.

"You sure you want to do that? From what you're saying, the power here is fading little by little. You really want to risk leaving before you find the Truest Believer?"

"Are you saying I can't handle myself?" Pan's tone turned ominous, and Bae shivered again.

"No." Felix, as always, was about as movable as a tree. "Just that you might not want to screw around with the Enchanted Forest right now."

"Maybe." Pan sounded petulant, but Bae barely heard him. If Pan was going to go to the Enchanted Forest, surely there was some way for Baelfire to tag along! It wasn't his first choice of a world to go back to—he'd left for a reason—but anything was better than Neverland. The Enchanted Forest was a big place, too. Bae could lose himself there if he needed to.

He hadn't managed to get the mermaids to kill Pan, but that wouldn't matter if he could escape. But then I'd have to leave everyone else here. Swallowing, Bae turned that one over in his mind. A lot of the Lost Boys liked Neverland, or at least claimed to, but Bae knew that some of them missed home. Most of the others would be better off away from the island, even if they didn't want to. Neverland turned good people bad. If he could find a way to save all of them, he would, but Bae wasn't sure how possible that would be. It'd be easier from the Enchanted Forest than from the Land Without Magic, anyway. That was a thought for later, though. Today, he could make a difference by finding this 'Beans' before Felix could hurt him.

Maybe Tiger Lily could help.


Belle almost ran right into Rumplestiltskin as he burst through the heavy wooden door leading to the garden, walking like a man on a mission. She jumped out of the way just in time, and must have let out a little gasp, because he stopped cold, turning to her with wide eyes.

Was that a rose in his hand?

"Are you all right?" Belle asked after a moment of awkward silence. Rumplestiltskin didn't seem to know what to say, or how to speak, until he licked his lips nervously and shook his head.

"Of course I am." His rose-free hand waved jerkily, as if he was trying to push aside any hint that this conversation was outside the ordinary. "Why—why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know. You look…hurried. I just wanted to make sure everything was all right."

Rumplestiltskin swallowed noisily. "I, um, which is to say that I, uh—" His stuttering cut off abruptly, and Belle watched Rumplestiltskin try a very shy smile on as he suddenly thrust the rose towards here. "Here. An apology for my earlier words. If…if you'll have it."

"Of course I will." A smile warmed her face, and on a whim, Belle offered him a curtsey as she took the flower. Much to her surprise, Rumplestiltskin responded with a courtly bow.

Then, of course, he turned as if to flee. "I should leave you alone—"

"Wait, please."

Much to her surprise, he stopped, and Belle gathered her courage.

"Why can't you ever tell me the truth? Why won't you talk to me?" She kept her voice as level as she could as he tensed. "Is it your curse, or is it just everything that's happened to you?"

Rumplestiltskin scowled. "Why do you want to know so much about my curse, hmm? Are you trying to slay the Beast?"

"No, of course not! I could never hurt you." Belle found the very idea insulting.

"Then what's the difference?" His voice went all high-pitched, like it did when he was using the darkness to hide behind, and Belle wanted to reach out and shake him. "I'm the Dark One. Smart as you are, I would have thought you'd have accepted that by now."

"Stop it! Stop hiding behind that mask and tell me the truth!" Fed up, Belle gave up and just snapped at him. He'd offered her an unexpected apology, but here he was acting like he had when he'd shooed her away so he could flirt with Zelena. "You're two different people: one with Zelena and one with me. Which one is real?"

This giggle was so lengthy that it had to be hiding something. "If you have to ask the question—"

Reaching out, Belle quickly grabbed him by the arms. Not too hard, but hard enough to get his attention, to stop Rumplestiltskin's stupid little imp voice and make him pay attention. Really, her hands ended up resting on arms of the silk shirt he was wearing, pressing enough to make him look at her with suddenly owlish eyes. For the first time, Belle felt like he was actually focused on her, listening to her instead of the darkness in his mind. She'd meant to pull away after she got his attention, but somehow, Belle found herself standing there with her hands grasping his upper arms.

"What—what are you…doing?" Rumplestiltskin's voice was a startled whisper, nothing like the fiery mockery of only moments earlier.

"Talking to Rumplestiltskin, not the Dark One." Belle didn't know why touching him seemed to help, but she'd noticed that, lately, and she wasn't above taking advantage of it. Not if it made him listen.

He swallowed so loudly that Belle thought she could hear his tongue working. "I—I am both," Rumplestiltskin said after a long moment. "There's not one without the other."

"But the man you are, the man under the darkness…he can feel, can't he?" Belle asked the question hesitantly; she didn't think he was lying, now, or avoiding her questions, but he wasn't exactly being helpful. "You weren't meant to be like this, and you aren't always so dark. You told me that yourself. I know you can feel."

"Why would that matter?" Rumplestiltskin whispered, and Belle could hear his voice shaking.

The fact that he was as terrified as she was gave her courage. Do the brave thing, she told herself, thinking of the rose still held in her hand. Now it was pressing against Rumplestiltskin's upper arm, and Belle was sure he hadn't missed that.

"Because I could love you…if you'd let me," she whispered in return, holding her breath.

Rumplestiltskin jerked back, his eyes wide, tearing away from Belle's hands. "…What?"

"I think you heard me." Belle wasn't sure if she had the courage to repeat the words, but she found them slipping out, anyway. "I think I love you."

"No." Now he skittered back even further, shaking his head wildly. "No, no, no no, no. You can't. You shouldn't."

"What?" Belle gaped.

"You can't."

"I think it's up to me to decide who I love." She hadn't expected this reaction, hadn't been braced for Rumplestiltskin to respond so hostilely. Was he that afraid of her? Or had she misread all the signs of his affection during the last few months, the way he'd slowly opened up to her and the way he smiled at her?

"You can't love me." Rumplestiltskin seemed to come back on balance, just a little. "I'm a monster. I'm—"

"Don't call yourself that!"

"But I am. And that is why you have to go." He held up a hand when she opened her mouth to argue, a twisted by sad smile crossing his face. "I am not…someone who can love you properly. And I am dangerous, Belle."

She shook her head, her heart soaring as Belle realized that it wasn't a lack of feeling that made Rumplestiltskin object to her words. "I'm not going anywhere. And I'm not afraid of you."

"You should be."

"I'm not." Belle reached for him again, certain that he wouldn't pull away a second time—until he did.

Violently.

"You should be!" Rumplestiltskin's snarl became a shout. "Whatever you think I am, I am not. I am—I am dangerous. And you, little missy, should run from the likes of me screaming!"

"Well, I'm not running. And I'm not afraid." Belle managed to grab his hand, and the softest and most broken expression she had ever seen crossed his face. "Rumple, please."

"No!" He wrenched free of her again, his expression turning viciously furious. The sudden changes were enough to give Belle whiplash, and she knew that he was listening to the voices in his head. "Love is a distraction! Love is nothing! I don't need this, I don't—I can't—" Rumplestiltskin shook his head so hard that his messy curls went every which way, backing up so quickly that he tripped over his own feet, barely catching himself before he fell. "No. No, you don't know what you're saying. I won't let you do this. I won't!"

"This isn't all your choice!" Goaded into anger, Belle strode forward, shouting back at him. "No one decides my fate but me, and you don't get to decide who I love!"

"Foolish girl! I am the Dark One, not some suitor with a—a—" Rumplestiltskin seemed unable to carry his anger far enough to finish the sentence, and his voice faltered. She could see the battle in his eyes, the war between love and darkness, but even as Belle reached out a fourth time, he vanished in a cloud of black smoke.


Bae took a few shortcuts and dashed away before Pan and Felix finished talking, even though he burned to hear more of their conversation. Instead of eavesdropping and waiting to be caught, he sprinted towards the Hangman's Tree, remembering what Felix had said. Whoever Beans was, he was in a hole under the tree, and Bae was pretty sure he knew exactly where that hole was.

Maybe it was pointless. Rescuing someone from Pan would probably mean nothing, but maybe Bae could save a life. He'd failed at killing Pan—or at getting the mermaids to kill him, anyway—but Bae couldn't really regret that. Neverland did turn people bad, just like becoming the Dark One had turned his Papa bad. But Bae was going to break the cycle. He was going to save someone instead of hurting them, and he'd face whatever came afterwards. But first he had to save Beans.

Finding the hole only took a few seconds; opening it was much harder. Finally, however, Bae located the lever hidden in a dead tree stump not far from the Hangman's Tree, and he yanked it as hard as he could. The trapdoor swung open with a mighty creak, and he thought he could hear someone shuffling away from the opening inside. Bae hesitated; Pan might have known he was listening and might have set a trap for him. For all he knew, there was a terrible monster in that hole, but Bae didn't think there was. Or I might go down there and be trapped with whoever this Beans is. That thought made him shiver, but Bae wasn't going to back down, now. After all, how much worse could being trapped in a hole be? He was already trapped on this island.

Still, he approached the edge cautiously, calling in with a loud whisper: "Can you hear me? Beans?"

A long moment passed before a scratchy voice answered. "…Maybe."

"My name's Baelfire." At least the voice didn't sound like Pan, and not even like Pan when he did funny impressions of other boys. Pan wasn't very good at that, but no one was going to tell him. "I'm here to help you."

A dry laugh. "Funny joke."

"It's not a joke, but we don't have much time." His heart was pounding in his chest. "Felix is coming to kill you."

"I know."

"Then why are you just sitting there?" The words burst out of Bae in a shout; his eyes were wide and he felt his chest starting to heave. Felix would be here any minute, and if Pan came with him, things would only get worse—

"Might be because I'm chained to the tree's roots. Might be I'm lazy." Bae thought he heard a snort over the sound of his own stupidity, but he wasn't sure.

"Sorry. I'll come down." Quickly matching actions to words, Bae ducked into the opening. Under the Hangman's Tree was dark but surprisingly dry, and when Bae squinted he could make out the seated form of a boy a few years younger than him. Not that age matters much here. We're all stuck marking time.

Beans' uneasy laugh filled the cavern. "You're not him. I thought this was another game of his."

Bae scowled. "Pan taunts you a lot, then?"

"Pan taunts everyone."

"Yeah. That's true enough." He shrugged, and then started looking for the chains holding Beans in place. As his eyes adjusted, Bae was able to spot where an old-fashioned (even by his terms) set of shackles were rooted into the base of the tree. They looked almost like they'd grown out of the tree, but Bae recognized the chains as some that had probably been stolen off of the Jolly Roger.

Never thought I'd regret turning down Hook's offer of joining his crew, but if I had, I'd have gotten out of here, Bae thought bitterly. Hook would've been easier to escape than Pan was, for certain, and at least the pirate seemed to actually give a damn about him. Sometimes.

Not that it mattered now.

Suddenly, Beans jerked back, his eyes going glassy and strangely white. "You should go. They're going to come—"

"'Course they are," Bae cut him off, grabbing for the lock on the chains near the smaller boy's wrists. "Told you that already."

"Felix—"

"Isn't killing you while I'm here." Bae didn't know why he suddenly felt the need to save someone from this mess. He didn't know how he was going to hide Beans from Felix—though he supposed Tiger Lily might be able to help with that; Pan seemed to avoid her, particularly after the Black Fairy had shown up—or why he was even trying. He was just so sick of going along with Pan's twisted games, so sick of pretending he liked it here. He needed to do something, even if in the end his efforts amounted to nothing.

"Why would you help me?"

Instead of answering, Bae grabbed his dagger and inserted it in the lock, shifting its point left and right until he found just the right angle. Click. Bae shot Beans a grin. "'Cause I'm sick of Pan's games."

"Most people here like playing them. Or avoid being played with." Slowly, Beans' eyes seemed to clear, losing that glassy, white look they'd held.

"Yeah, well, I'm sick of that, too." Bae pulled Beans to his feet, surprised by how light the other boy was. He headed for the opening, glancing over his shoulder as he moved. "You coming or not?"

Beans looked around with a snort. "Anywhere's better than here."

"C'mon, then." Bae grabbed Beans by the arm and they ran through the jungle together. Felix would be there soon enough, and he was a good tracker, but Bae knew where a stream was that they could erase their tracks in. Tiger Lily's cave was only an hour or two away if you managed not to get caught in one of Neverland's never-ending loops, and he was sure she'd help Beans hide.

If Bae was lucky, Pan wouldn't figure out who let Beans out. If he wasn't…well, he was rarely lucky here, anyway. It wouldn't make much of a difference.


A/N: Wow! You guys really do know how to convince a girl to keep posting on a site, don't you? Thank you to everyone who let me know you're still reading—it means a lot to me!

Stay tuned for Chapter 20—"Let the World be Done with Me," in which Fiona tries to shake sense into her son, Tink seeks out Zelena, Bae and Beans to go Tiger Lily for help, and Rumplestiltskin makes a fateful choice.