Snoggletog 2021
Hi everyone and Merry Christmas.
As I write this, it is actually it is November 21st and I must begin by telling you how happy I am today. In past years, my annual Snoggletog story would be almost done and ready for editing and re-writes, but for the past few months I have been absolutely dry when it comes to new ideas. This may be due to the amount of mental time I've been putting into the third and final book of the Return of the Dragons series, now titled Fire Sky Burning. For months now the only thing I could think of, were basically rehashed plot lines that I'd used before and I did not want to go back there.
Then in late October, I was watching an old episode of QI (one of my favourite shows) when Stephen Fry asked a question that turned out to be about Fan Fiction, its reputation for overt sexuality, and how many authors place themselves in the story as some kind of saviour who becomes the hero of the day.
A month later (today) it finally hit me. Since my Snoggletog stories aren't even remotely trying to stick to canon anymore, why not do something crazy with it? So here it is.
How to Thaw Your Viking
Staring... ME!
(with a special appearance from Stripcicles222)
Chapter 1
The wind was coming in from the north so strong, that the disgusting emissions from Snotlout's nose had frozen into horizontal icicles, turning the young Dragon Rider into some kind of gross weather vane. He hugged himself tightly as he trudged up the hill towards the Great Hall, where most of the Berkians had gathered. With their firewood supplies rapidly depleting, the people of Berk spent most of their time in the hall together, so as not to use up all of their supplies heating each individual home.
"SHUT THAT DOOR!" Mulch shouted when Snotlout entered the hall.
"Alright alright, keep your helmet on" Snotlout replied.
There was nobody sitting on the outer edge of the room, but as the proud young man made his way in, the throng of shivering Vikings grew thicker and thicker as he neared the fireplace, and then thinned out again on the other side. Near the far wall, Snotlout found Hiccup and Astrid huddled together under a bearskin blanket, both slowly turning blue.
Before he spoke, Snotlout undid the dragons tooth fastener on the collar of his coat to reveal the shining gold medallion hanging around his neck. Astrid turned away, disgusted at yet another blatant display of Snotlout's new found wealth.
A few months after last years Snoggletog, Snotlout had been at the Academy helping to train four baby Nightmares, when two of the dragons got into a sibling fight over an old leather boot. After a few minutes of tussling, one of them suddenly ran off crying.
"You better hurry if you're gonna catch it" Tuffnut laughed.
Mumbling some kind of nonsensical retort, the young man did so and found the distraught dragon hiding in the corner of one of the stables. Picking up the shivering hatchling, Snotlout walked out into the light while giving the dragon his idea of encouragement.
"What's wrong with you?" That boot could have been yours if you hadn't run away."
*Clang!
The rapid meeting of Gothi's staff with Snotlout's helmet rang out around the academy, as the old woman expressed her displeasure with the lack of empathy shown by the Dragon Rider.
"What have I done wrong now?" Snotlout snorted.
The wise old woman held up the boot the two small dragons had been playing with, to show a fang stuck in one of the holes punched in the leather for lacing. Upon seeing it, Snotlout checked the dragon's snout and finally noticed a small patch of drying blood.
"So you lost one of your baby teeth; stop being such a baby about it" Snotlout reprimanded the dragon.
*Clang!
A few hours later, Snotlout sat down with some of the other Dragon Riders to enjoy what he felt was a well deserved lunch, when he suddenly leapt up and screamed.
"What the heck is wrong with you now?" Astrid asked as she wiped up the soup she had spilled when Snotlout bumped the table.
"Something bit me... on my bottom."
"Believe me Snotlout, no self respecting parasite would want to go anywhere near your bottom" Fishlegs smirked.
"I think even a splinter would think twice about it" Ruffnut agreed.
Failing to find anything on his chair, Snotlout checked his back pocket and found a very familiar looking object.
"Oh, I just sat on the tooth from that baby dragon" he realised.
"You should give that to Bucket" Gobber suggested "He could do some wonderfully delicate scrimshaw on it."
"Aye I could" Bucket responded from the next table.
"What you should use it for, is as a fastener for your coat Gobber" Olvar noted "Then you wouldn't have to keep replacing those old sticks you've been using."
These two suggestions resulted in the light bulb of opportunity flashing on in the mind of a certain Viking and before anyone knew what had happened, a new branch of Snot Co Enterprises Incorporated had been formed. From that moment on, the young man spent almost all of his spare time following the baby dragon's around Berk, looking for the places they went to feed and play, where they slept and where they gathered. From these places he soon gathered a considerable collection of the discarded fangs from dragon hatchlings, which he sorted by size and sold for use as everything from sword and knife handles, to spear and arrowheads; not to mention coat fasteners, and for scrimshaw art. Having cornered the market on dragon's teeth, Snotlout soon found himself in his favourite position; that of being wealthy and able to show off that wealth at every opportunity.
"Worst winter we've ever had" Snotlout declared as he sat next to the shivering Hiccup and Astrid.
"Yeah there's something almost unnatural about it" Fishlegs said as he joined them.
"Indeed; so what are you going to do about it Hiccup?" Snotlout demanded to know.
"Me? Why me?" Hiccup protested.
"Well with Chief Stoic away on Dragon Island for the Snoggletog nesting season, you're the one in charge. So come on Assistant Chief, do something" Snotlout insisted.
"You expect him to do something about the weather?" Astrid sneered "Hiccup is doing a great job as leader, bringing everyone together here and conserving our supplies, but he's just a man and not a god."
"Man? Don't make me laugh" Snotlout said while faking a weak chortle.
"Yeah very funny Snotlout, make fun of my size" Hiccup sighed.
"Don't worry about him Babe, he's just jealous of your position and your intelligence" Astrid said reassuringly as she kissed his cheek.
An awkward silence hung in the air for a moment before Astrid spoke again.
"But it would be good if you could do something about the cold."
"Really Astrid; you too? And what exactly should I do?" Hiccup said, obviously flustered.
"I don't expect you to fix things, I was just saying... it would be good if someone could" Astrid shrugged.
"Well I can tell you here and now, nobody can change the weather; not even Gothi" Hiccup declared.
Almost as if she had heard him, the main door flew open to reveal the silhouette of Burk's wisest resident.
"SHUT THAT D... oh... sorry Gothi, I didn't realise it was you" Mulch made sure to apologise before he ended up with another dent in his helmet.
Two Berkians hurried to close the door as Gothi walked slowly across the room towards the young members of the Dragon Riders. Under her arm she carried a large tome and when she reached the table, the wise woman brought it down with a loud thud before opening it to a specific page. Everyone present leaned forward to see what Gothi was pointing at, but some had a little trouble with the ancient runes.
"So umm... what does it say?" Tuffnut asked.
"What's the matter with you; can't you read?" Snotlout said disparagingly.
"Yeah but not those old squiggles; can you?" Tuffnut asked.
"Of course I can! It says... err... tell him Fishlegs" Snotlout said, turning away.
"It looks like some kind of ancient prophecy" Fishlegs said as he took in the words on the page.
"A prophecy? Cool. Does it say who I'm going to marry? Ruffnut asked.
"Nothing so trivial" Fishlegs answered "It speaks of a time when the walls between dimensions will be broken, and a powerful mischief maker will arrive. Their flattering words will fool the dim witted, and bring icy destruction on our realm."
"Does it say where we can find this mischief maker? It sounds to me like I need to teach him a lesson" Snotlout grinned as he punched his left hand with his right.
"Not necessarily a he; could be a she!" Fishlegs informed them.
"If it is, then I'll teach her a lesson" Astrid insisted.
"You can't because they are too powerful" Fishlegs continued "Because this mischief maker is from another dimension, only a hero with equal knowledge and abilities has any hope of defeating them, and bringing a sense of normality back to our world."
"So where do we find this great hero?" Hiccup asked, unsure if he really believed this so called prophecy.
"It says here that he will come to us, if we all gather together and speak the Mystical Words of the Disclaimer."
"Well let's do it" Astrid said as Gothi smiled in approval.
The Dragon Riders all stood and gathered in a circle holding hands, ignoring the strange looks they received from the others in the room. Although something strange appeared to be happening, Gothi's presence and apparent approval kept anyone from interfering.
"Alright then, repeat after me" Fishlegs said as he closed his eyes "I do not own any of the characters or situations in this story."
"I do not own any of the characters or situations in this story" the Dragon Riders repeated.
"Please support the original copyright holders" he continued.
"Please support the original copyright holders."
So there's the start of this little piece of yuletide silliness. I look forward to hearing what you all think, and the next chapter will be up in a few days.
TTFN, Marty (and BooCat)
