February 24th, Hermione PoV
I honestly cannot see what is so funny. One person's stupid is another's goofy I suppose, though I thought Ilena had better perception than this.And if it was so funny, why can't the rest of the world hear it. Comedians are meant to be on stage you know, they share their hilarity with the world. They don't whisper punchlines in people's ears.
Whatever, let them get on with it. Lucy can run and I can't, maybe that's the joke. Can she transfigure a sunflower into a lampshade though, and back again?Actually, she probably can.
That's it drink your water in the exact moment as Ilena, and at the same rate too. Comedian and a mime.
"That's good water Ils" Isn't it just.
"Thanks, I prefer to freeze them overnight, I hate the warm taste that you get when water is left in the sun. Or not even that, the warmth you get when you take it out of a backpack or handbag"
"Yeah, the only thing warm water is good for is a bath"
What a riveting conversation, water, what next the fun benefits of watching paint dry?
Ilena finally has time to look my way. "Come on Mione, drink up, I don't want you fainting on us."
Excuse me, when have I ever fainted Ilena? I'm actually offended. Well, better do what she says. Mmm, yes delicious water, the most flavourful non-flavourful substance in the world. Such a divine taste, no wonder they love it so much.
"Hermione, drink it" Ilena exclaims. "Don't just sip at it. It's getting warmer, you need to stay hydrated."
I nearly squashed the water bottle against my lips, such is my annoyance of being spoken to like a child. Big gulps Hermione, drown in it and maybe she'll be satisfied.
Well she must be because she turns back to her conversation with Lucy. I tune it out, I literally don't want to know what other pointless things they find amusing, or what insignificant things they have in common. I just want to go back and read.
I've decided this is the last time I come running with Ilena. Not because I'm sick of her, I'm sick of them. This was something me and Ilena had that actually meant a huge deal to me, I don't think Ilena even realises quite how I've come to adore it. It wasn't about the running, which only had physical benefits. It wasn't the setting, which served only as a comfort of the eyes.
It was the meaningful stuff we only ever feel open about sharing with the other. No friend has ever asked me directly how I picture my future, and what I want to achieve; only Ilena. No friend knows more about my home life, than Ilena. No friend can quite relate with all things Muggle, like Muggleborn Ilena.
I knew just as much about her, and I don't take that for granted. And there's so much more I could learn about her, so much more I would love to share with her. But that element of this was gone the moment Lucy started butting in. It all changed since.
It's all about fitness. It's a pastime. It's a lark about. And it's all about them now. I'm surprised they still invite me. I'm pretty sure Lucy has actually suggested that to Ilena. She hasn't turned me away yet, but it's actually something I would consider a mercy.
Let the fitness junkies get on with it I say. Then when Ilena comes to me for tutorship, I'll of course help her to the best of my ability. Because that's who I am, and what I consider meaningful.
"Hermione?"
"I'm drinking it!" I snap at her so viciously. I hate the wounded look on her face, I'm instantly sorry, but at the same time it's her own fault.
She recovers and falls back into serenity. "I was actually going to ask you if you're still up for a game of exploding snap when we get back."
Well if she didn't badger me before I wouldn't have snapped at her would I, but still..."I'm sorry, yeah I'm up for it."
"Great, we're playing with Lucy's deck. She's got the Winged Horse pack."
"The two Pegasi cards are actually real twins you know, owned by an American ranch wizard somewhere in Louisiana" Lucy adds.
"Is it weird that I find it weird that horses can have twins? I know dogs and cats birth multiple offspring at once, but I've never seen a non-magical horse with two fresh foals."
"They conceive twins at a similar ratio to humans, but it's highly unlikely that both embryos make it through til birth. One in ten thousand I think it is."
Ilena looks at me as if I can validate what she's saying. I haven't so much as ridden a horse, I certainly don't breed them. I don't particularly look into equestrian biology either. But I can see Ilena expects me to know, and Lucy must be savouring every moment of knowing she's gotten something beyond my understanding.
Do I lie and just go along with the expert? What if she isn't, or she makes that up off the top of her head just to catch me out? I know that sounds far-fetched, but...
Yeah you're probably right, I'm just sour that there's something I don't know that this Lucy does. In that case I will just confirm what she said. "That's true. I've read that somewhere."
"I thought you would, the reason I checked with Mione here is because with most things, if it's written down anywhere she's read it" Ilena tells Lucy.
Well I just secretly proved that is not always the case. No doubt Lucy knows it too.
"Of course magical horses have a much higher chance of carrying both twins to labour, so you'd hear more about foal twins in the Wizarding world" Lucy explained to both of us.
"Ol' magic to the rescue huh, it's always the way" Ilena chuckles. "Right are we ready to head back".
I see her eye my half empty bottle, for Christ sake. I take another few gulps of my water before we get to our feet again.
"I just need a whizz girls, won't be too long" A whizz? Why can't she say pee or wee like the rest of us? It's like she hates common words, and actively seeks out underused phrases and idioms. I'm all for an extensive vocabulary but still...whizz?
"Okay Lucy, we'll wait for you by the trail" Ilena says on our behalf.
I don't mean to dawdle, I actually want nothing more than to get back as soon as possible. But my enthusiasm has taken a knock, and it makes you slower apparently. Ilena certainly doesn't approve of it, hence why she starts pulling me a little harshly. "Me and you need to talk."
She drags me way out of Lucy's hearing range, and draws round on me with a no-nonsense look. Not many have a gaze intense enough to make me wither, but Ilena is among them. "What the hell is going on with you?"
"Nothing."
"God, you're so stubborn. If I've pissed you off stop keeping it locked up inside, cos I can practically see it spilling out yet you don't say anything."
"If it's about the water I'm sorry I reacted the way I did. I don't like to be hassled, but I know you are only looking out for me. So I'm sorry alright" It's all I can say, because the minute I say it's about Lucy I know what will happen. She'll not speak to me for a day, more likely two. Just like the other day.
Yeah I was a little dubious of Lucy after the cupboard incident. It's just the way she's protected. Like fine china, or the rarest species of flower in the world. And we don't even get to know why. I thought we shared everything in the Breakfast Club, but with Lucy it doesn't work that way apparently.
I'm not the only one to have said this, but I am the only one to say it to Ilena. I just wanted to be trusted with the information that was so secretive, and wasn't being allowed that right. Neither was the rest of the club. It stinks quite frankly. I know Lucy went through hell, I was the one who stumbled upon her, I heard for myself what she said about the school hearing of her secret.
Which by the way had not been spread around at all, or if it has it's escaped me.
I was helping her first, I did my part. And in return I get rejected, ignored and replaced. That hurts me. I'm no monster, I'm no gossip. I know it's not Ilena's secret and it's Lucy who controls who knows, but didn't Ilena explain to Lucy what the Breakfast Club was before inviting her into it. Lucy should be open to us so we can help her collectively, but all she seems to want is the individual help from Ilena.
And as the days have dragged on. After every evening run she's high-jacked, every study she's interrupted, and every breakfast where she's sat in my spot next to Ilena. It's childish, of course it is, this is playground jealousy. But Ilena means so much to me, and suddenly it feels like we've ripped apart.
All because of Lucy.
But I don't tell her that, because I don't want to lose the remainder of the closeness I've got with Ilena. I can't stay silent forever, and Ilena's run out of patience anyway. "I can't believe you're being like this. If you're jealous of Lucy just stop pussyfooting about and admit it, then you can grow up and we can all get along yeah?"
She's right, there's fire burning my skin to ash from the inside, every word is adding to the blaze. But it's the first thing she said that I react to. "You can't believe why I'm being like this?"
"You've become a stranger" Ilena replies. "I don't even recognise you when you're so angry all the time."
"I'VE..." I very nearly erupted, and only the sight of a nervous-looking Lucy stopped me. Just give up, and get the hell out of here. "Let's just get back to the castle."
...
Ilena POV
Hermione stomped off leaving us gawking at her retreating back...and bum. Her attitude has changed badly, but her body remains hot as ever.
"I'm so sorry about her. I don't know what's come over her" I truly don't, Hermione doesn't act like that ever. This is well beneath her. I'd have thought that two wonderful human beings sharing the same space would be double the luxury, but I guess it's territorial. The proud lioness wasn't prepared to share, but the more determined she is, the less of the true Hermione I see. It was only shining a brighter light on Lucy, who was not retaliating.
And she just goes on to prove my point. "I think she's feeling a little put out. You're her best friend, and at the centre of her life. All of a sudden I come along and it's hard for her. I'd feel the same way if I was in her shoes."
"I don't believe you'd be blatantly disrespectful to someone just because they're new" I reply.
Lucy raised her eyebrows, the wise young owl was about to do her Ravenclaw thing. "Just analyse what you're saying. You don't think I would be disrespectful, so are you saying that before now you believed it of her?"
The old trick, it's not what you are saying, it's what you are not. By saying I don't believe Lucy would disrespect someone, I've got to say I wouldn't believe it of Hermione either. Yet she was being disrespectful. "No, I never thought Hermione would be disrespectful either."
"Which means anyone can be, if the right circumstances or feelings are there. It means she misses you, even though she's still got you. There's distance now because of me, and she's finding it hard to cope with that."
"But that's not your fault" I insisted.
"It's not a matter of wrongdoing. She blames me because I'm currently where she always wants to be. And the more you lecture her and take my side, the more she'll see that as confirmation that she's...being replaced."
Replaced? It's more than jealousy that's corrupting Hermione, it's fear too. Fear of losing me. Now, I've scoffed and made light of the fact Hermione thinks she's a loner. She quite obviously isn't "lonely" to anybody else's standards, except her own. Maybe that's something from childhood that has stuck with her, and given her a blind spot. Or maybe I've simply been too dedicated to her, that there's a gaping hole when I'm not a central part of her day.
Whichever was correct, that's how Hermione viewed herself. Unpopular. Anti-social. Goody-two-shoes. Teachers pet. Mudblood. Plain Jane. Buzzkill. Prude. Those are words that orbit around in her head day in, and day out. It's only when she's with me, Joe or her Gryffindor boys, that she can ignore them. Even around the other three Breakfast Club members, she lacks self-esteem.
Even though she still has plenty of contact with Joe, Harry and Ron, the most integral person to her confidence has taken an interest elsewhere. I'm sure she understands I'm not disowning her or anything, but I'm irreplaceable in her world. If only that manifested romantically rather than platonically, I'd be the happiest gay girl alive right now. But my friendship was no less important to her, than a relationship. If Joe broke up with her she'd be acting the same with him. Or if Harry and Ron one day said "you know what Mione, we're done here."
She needs me. She needs Joe. She needs her boys. All of us are irreplaceable.
If I am able to replace her, when she can't replace me; maybe I shouldn't have just had a go at her like I did. "Oh Hermione."
"You love her don't you?"
What the hell? Right out of left field that one Lucy. "I...what made you..."
"I'm gay remember. You're not the only one who can spot these things" she scrunched up her lips comically "though I must admit, I've just...passed my license I suppose, for the lack of a better analogy."
"You know...I'm getting tired of befriending smart arses" I rib of course.
"It must be hard though" Lucy assumes.
"What, loving your best friend, like the old cliché? Nah, it's as fun as a holiday" I sarcastically quipped.
"And she doesn't know?"
"No to being gay, and definitely no that I'm in love with her"
"Maybe you should tell her"
SHE CANNOT BE SERIOUS RIGHT NOW! Screw THAT for a laugh!
"I meeeaaannn..." she groaned, seeing my utter horror in its horrific glory "...you should come out to her."
That's a bad idea halved, but still not a good one. "I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because...alright let me set the scene" I steady my breath and close my eyes. "So I just meet the girl...during a speed dating session. I'm certainly not telling someone I've just met, and befriended. For all I know she's homophobic, like ninety percent of society..."
Lucy nods, letting me know she's following. "Okay?"
"Now we're friends, learning about each other. Still not sure where she stands on homosexuality. Do I tell her early, lose someone I find immediately the smartest, nicest person ever? Or do I hold off, wait until I've built a connection, and maybe see if she shows an interest in me?"
"You chose option B" Lucy interjected.
"Certainly did. Soon I find she isn't homophobic, but just as I'm getting somewhere, WHAM! My best male friend decides he wants the girl too. He gets in first, and she swoons for him. Definitely can't tell her now"
"Ouch!"
"Exactly. I can't deal with this, I go crazy angry at my male friend. It puts a wedge in our friendship. But I can't let Hermione know she's that wedge. So again I say nothing. She's a smart girl though, definitely not a fool. She knows something is up. Do I tell her it's all about her? No. I lie."
"You lied how?"
"I said the opposite of the truth. I'm actually in love with Joe, because it's easier to believe what she believes. She definitely doesn't want to be told I'm gay, because that changes everything."
"And now you're trapped."
"I'm trapped. I might have to pretend to be straight forever, because as we've clearly proven I'm far too important for Hermione to lose" I conclude my illustrated explanation.
"You can't come out, because it changes everything she knows. It's not about being gay, it's about dishonesty" Lucy puffed her cheeks, yeah so she knows how much this sucks. But then...what's that glint in her eye for. ""Crazy angry" you said. You went crazy angry at Joe because he had Hermione, do I understand that right?"
I didn't keep track of my vocabulary...if this was a book I'd be flipping back a page. But I vaguely remember telling her I was mad at Joe, and something about a wedge as well. "You understand right."
"So you could say you were disrespectful to Joe?" Lucy is feeding me a line here, what about I don't know.
"I'm not proud of it"
"I'm not judging you Ils, I'm going through the facts. You were jealous of Joe weren't you, so you were rude and bitter towards him" I've never heard such a hard truth spoken so nonchalantly. What do you wanna say next in such a matter-of-fact tone, I'm a horrid liar and a selfish shrew?
"I suppose"
Lucy casually turns around and leads the way back the way we came. "You know a bit of distance might actually do the pair of you some good."
"What?"
"Never mind. Let's head back shall we."
I reiterate, I'm getting tired of befriending smart arses. And why do they all see fit to just walk away in the middle of a conversation. I should definitely head back though, I want to find Hermione and clear the air. If only she knew how much I need her too.
Hermione's POV, February 25th
"Hey Herm-sorry Mione" damn I do wish the boys hadn't said anything about the nickname situation, just as I was getting used to it. Joe stumbles every time now, naturally wanting to call me one thing but self-consciously choosing to change his mind. "Mione, Ilena's been looking for you."
Keep your head down. "I'm Hermione Granger, I'm not hard to find."
"It's not the finding that's the problem, it's the moving about. I don't know how you're doing it, but every time she learns of your whereabouts, you're gone before she has time to get to you" Joe hasn't been introduced to the Marauders Map then. Neither has Ilena actually. I do like an advantage.
"Have you never heard of a coincidence Joe?" I'm pretending to write, but I'm just slowly scribbling on a blank piece of parchment. Sorry Moony, Padfoot and Prongs, I'm fairly sure my ink doesn't affect the magic.
"You know what Hermione, she's right. Your attitude stinks at the moment. For the record, Ilena just wants to talk to you. That's all she wants. Weren't you complaining you weren't seeing enough of her, yet you ignore her now."
I don't disagree, but merely for the purpose of the restoration of peace, I send him a scorching glare. "That's right, she wasn't prepared to listen before, she doesn't get the right to be listened to."
Joe threw his hands up disbelievingly "listen to what, you didn't tell her anything? You denied you had a problem and walked away. Then you speak behind closed doors what you don't have the guts to say to her face."
"Don't you dare put that on me. I wasn't alone in my criticisms you know, and I denied nothing."
Joe can see this row would only intensify, so he switches tactic. "Hermione, she wants to talk to you. She doesn't want to fall out with you."
Please go away. "Funny way of showing it."
"Just come to dinner with us. If you don't want to talk to her, at least show your face so she knows you're alright."
I am starving. I'll sit the other side of Joe and focus on eating. Then it's right back here for some more hide and seek. I set my quill down and sweep the table of its contents into my arms and chest. "I'll be right behind you."
In a few minutes we arrive to all the Breakfast Club, including guess who, at the Ravenclaw table. It looked a jolly good time for all involved. I suppose for Lucy's next act she get up on the table and sing for us. Then dance away whilst everybody clapped.
I don't care if she's the next Judy Garland or Ginger Rogers, I won't be clapping...unless she falls on her little arse.
Oh come on, it's a joke. Mostly.
Somewhere in the starstruck crowd someone was able to tear their gaze away from Lucy, to see me and Joe approaching. Ilena straightened up and tried to smile, but she wasn't getting one out of me this time. By now the rest of them had noticed, and an awkward tension ensued. Yep, here I am, Little Miss Trouble.
I insisted on Joe sitting down before me, so I could be on the very end, away from Ilena and even further away from Lucy. I then, just like I promised, collected up a selection of food that I didn't take much notice of. I came to regret that when the first bite off my new full plate, happened to be spicy chicken wings.
I feel the burning already and I only took a nibble. Ahum...spice is attacking my throat, eyes starting to water and my lips are tingling. At least it's a distraction from the lovely set of eyes on me. I'll be needing ice in my pumpkin juice.
The conversation was starting to simmer back up, but the mood was definitely flattened by my arrival. I discarded the wings and reached for the pile of potato wedges underneath. Just as I did, I heard my name being called. The only reason I looked up was because I knew it wasn't a voice I was hellbent on ignoring. "Hermione, you get the deciding vote, what makes a better view mountains or coastline?"
This is why I like Dom, he's got a knack for rescuing a sobered atmosphere, simply by resurfacing a recently concluded topic. I'm happy to answer. "It's hard to say. Is the view from the top of the mountain or the base? With coastline are we talking beaches or cliffs?"
"Lets say the mountain view you've loved the most versus the coastline you've likewise loved the most, and choose which one you prefer?"
"If anything that's harder...but I guess...the French alps beats the white cliffs" I admitted.
Dom was obviously a champion of the coastal team, and it was Lucy's face that lit up in victory. "That's four-three to the peak crew."
I wish I said coast now. Coast all the way, and boo to the boring old mountains. It wouldn't have been sporting but at least I don't get to see her annoying smile. Annoying because its too pretty.
"She obviously hasn't been many places. Like California, or the Seychelles, or New Zealand" Alex reasons.
"New Zealand qualifies as both mountainous and coastal" Joe buts in. "And you're forgetting Himalayas, Kilimanjaro and the Lake District."
"Most would die or be exhausted before they even get to see the view, you can see a coastline from a hotel balcony" Alex countered, in which I think she has a valid point.
"That's what makes the view even more special, the fact you earned it" Lucy excitedly responded. "And you're statistically just as likely to die from balcony related falls, as you are mountaineering."
She wants to come out with facts, I'll bite. "Okay, firstly a hell of a lot more people have been on a balcony, than have climbed a mountain. So seven people dying from balconies for example, versus seven who died climbing a mountain, is hardly comparable."
Those who looked nervous before now seemed intrigued, as a battle of the brains began to wage. And it is stimulating for me too. I'm freaking Hermione Granger, so bring it on. "Secondly, you need specialised training to even attempt climbing mountains as high as Everest, or volcanoes like Kilimanjaro. Personally I think the achievement aspect of climbing the world's highest mountain, outweighs the desire to take in the view. Whereas, like Alex pointed out, a view of a coastline is an easier task and therefore appreciated better."
Like a seal at Seaworld, Alex started a solo ovation. But Lucy doesn't look like she's finished either. "Great points there, except your basing your opinion purely on the tallest and most extreme mountains. When speaking about mountains in general, particularly ones with spectacular views, the smaller and more accessible mountains are better. In that context you get both, a good sense of achievement and a view to admire."
"Okay, but that wasn't your original point. You were comparing balcony and mountain fatalities, to support why you thought mountains are better"
"Untrue. I just wanted to put forward some surprising statistics about mountaineering, and how much safer it is in the modern era to climb mountains. My father showed me a documentary about mountain climbers."
I couldn't help what came out next. It was involuntary now that I'd built up some argumentative steam. "Pfff, of course he did."
I got three looks at once from three different people. One from the girl herself, challenging me to say more. One from my boyfriend, which simply said 'really? Didn't even last two minutes did you?' And a final look from Ilena, chastising and stern.
The others looked down at their food, or distracted themselves through other means. I tried to replicate them, but if I was not struggling with the pretence before I was now. Yes, alright I said a bad thing, now carry on.
Even when we were debating something we clashed. Because of me yes, but she wants to outdo me all the time and I just got carried away trying to get revenge. I know this, I know that. I think this, and I think that.
Suddenly these wings look mighty appealing, they'll have the special benefit of burning my mouth so severely it would be impossible to speak again. For everybody's sake, that would be for the best.
"Now we've settled over here, am I right to believe you guys seem concerned about what I'm sharing with Ilena privately?" Lucy asked the group.
Nobody wants to answer Lucy, even if they did have a problem before, because of me and you nobody has an opinion at all. They stay out of the way and don't get between the crossfire. They certainly weren't going to admit now they had a problem with you.
Nevertheless it's up to Joe to respond. "A select few just want complete inclusion as that's how we've operated as friends before, but I think we all understand your private matters are your own. If and when you want to tell us, you will."
I didn't come to dinner so I could be spoken for. Show up, eat food. That's what I'm doing.
"Well I think you have a point, you're all no less open and accepting than Ilena, so you deserve the same level of trust. Therefore I've decided to tell you my secret...it's a bit public here to share it across a table verbally, which is why I have these." She holds up a compilation of torn note paper, and starts distributing them clockwise amongst the group.
When I receive mine it goes straight in my pocket, then straight in the bin when I'm able. I don't care what her secret is at this point, I'm sure I'll find out in passing. Obviously Ilena didn't get one since she knows, and she certainly doesn't look happy about something. Probably me again.
"Lucy, you really shouldn't have to be pressured into opening up about this"
"It's fine Ils, I want to not because of pressure. I trust everybody here" Or rather want people to blame if this secret comes out. "Aren't you reading it Hermione?"
You absolute cow. "I've got hot spice all over my fingers, I'd rather save the reading until after dinner."
"Fair enough."
Yeah, rein your neck in.
I then got a nudge from the side from Joe, and I meet his eyes and see hardness. "I really think you should read it Hermione."
I don't argue with a face like that. I take the paper out again and read: I've recently been questioning certain things about myself, and it resulted in me finding you guys. Ilena knows because she figured it out. The truth is I'm into girls.
Now I'm really glad I read that. I mean, there are other gay people in the group and I'm sure she knew that, but I suppose it's a secret that could be quite frightening to admit. Especially when it's ruined a friendship already prior to the Club.
Without a prompt, a face full of guilt and direct eye contact, I apologise to Lucy. "I'm sorry."
Her smile was nice as it was, but surprisingly Ilena's completely outshone the girl who I apologised to. "Don't worry about it."
My eyes naturally drift to Ilena's. I think she knows I was apologising for what I said about the secret, not particularly my behaviour since her and Ilena became friends. So it really surprises me that she's smiling so wide. Not that I want her to stop.
She mouths to me "after dinner. Please?"
I couldn't turn her down if I tried, and I didn't try. "Okay."
AN: Crippling insecurities and feeling threatened by an equal, that's what is haunting Hermione. It's all geared to her feelings for Ilena, she herself doesn't realise exactly what these feelings are. Right now it's just losing someone important, but Ilena knows and understands, Lucy as well is here to help.
Title credit: You Always Hurt The One You Love by The Mills Brothers
