Author Note: Yukina chapter? Yukina chapter! This chapter has been the hardest one in the fic to write. Thank you Bax for helping me with the dialogue.
From an outsider's perspective, it would've been easy to say that Yukina's first semester of university had been going well. She was at the top of her performance group, easily passing all of her classes, and was somehow juggling her insanely busy schedule.
Despite her successes, Yukina didn't feel like it was going all that well. So much had changed in just two months; she didn't like it at all.
Yukina had often thought of herself as a loner, but never as a person who easily became lonely. Since starting university she'd barely had time to rest, let alone see her friends from other bands. Her own band had almost no social time together, besides a few minutes before and after practice. Even then, one member was usually missing.
Yukina spent barely any time with Lisa.
They used to go to school together, to walk to and from practice together, to stay up late talking on their balconies, and to spend large portions of every day in each other's company. Lisa had been a constant in Yukina's life for as long as she could remember, her rhodonite in the sun and a bright presence by her side.
Now though, it felt like they were on different paths. Though they still played in Roselia together, Lisa had veered away. They didn't see each other every day now, perhaps once every few. Practices were less often than they used to be, and late nights studying prevented conversation. Yukina could feel them growing apart.
Lisa's light was moving away, fading into the distance, into a separate future.
Yukina missed her, more than she could put into words.
She had spent the last couple of months trying to cope with that, failing to cope with that.
Yukina had never been good at coping, or at dealing with her own emotions.
Instead, she tried to bridge the gap, to stop change and the passage of time. To continue the same way they always had, as best friends. That was the only way forward for them, especially after what Yukina learned yesterday. No matter how much it hurt.
Yukina didn't have any illusions about Lisa's feelings for her, but still she clung. In her heart, she still hoped and bled. She wondered how it went today.
Yukina sat in her bedroom, with Lisa's light on across the way. Her curtain was open, but Lisa's was drawn tightly shut. She glanced at her phone; the most recent text was a disappointed frowny emoji from Sayo the day before.
Yesterday Yukina had tried again.
It hadn't been going very well.
The first time Yukina tried to reconnect, to rebuild the bridge between them, things hadn't gone as planned. This was close to the start of the semester.
They were taking a break during rehearsal, one that Sayo was unable to attend. Lisa was having a rough practice that day, having to stop multiple times to correct timing issues.
Yukina wanted to spend time with her that weekend, wanted to play just the two of them like they did as children. Despite Lisa's current frustrations, Yukina wanted her to enjoy playing the bass, to remind her of the joys of playing music.
"We should spend some extra time practicing this weekend, just the two of us."
She never could've anticipated the response she'd get. Lisa had frozen as Yukina spoke, her eyes widening. Multiple emotions flashed across her face in quick succession, expressions Yukina never wanted to see from Lisa. For just a heartbeat, she looked terrified.
The expression vanished as quickly as it had come, as Lisa's mouth set into a firm tense line. Her voice cut through Yukina as she replied, bitter and dark.
"If I'm that bad, you should replace me."
Yukina's heart, which had been growing a festering wound for the last month, felt like it had been stabbed. She had never once thought about replacing Lisa, no one else could ever fill her role. Not in the band, or in Yukina's life.
She never thought Lisa wasn't good enough. Really, it was the opposite. Lisa was good, far too good for Yukina. The devil in her ear whispered those words to her every day, even as she selfishly tried to keep Lisa close.
The thought of Lisa leaving the band was enough to shatter her completely.
Yukina opened her mouth, lifting one hand towards Lisa as she searched for the right words to reply.
Lisa didn't wait for a response. She turned away, hurrying towards the door. Yukina called Lisa's name, desperation leaking into her voice, but that didn't stop her. A moment later, she was gone.
Yukina's hand, still outstretched, shook. She hoped this was all a bad dream, that she was somehow sleeping. But no, this was real. Yukina slowly returned her hand to her side, fighting to reign in her rampaging thoughts.
She couldn't do it though, couldn't stop the tears welling up in her eyes. She took a few shaky breaths.
When the studio door opened, Yukina briefly allowed herself to hope that Lisa had returned. When she saw that it was just Rinko, coming in with the tray of drinks she went to buy, Yukina turned away from the door. She wiped roughly at her eyes, refusing to allow tears to fall.
Rinko crossed the room to where there was a table, setting down the tray. She was alone. She picked up two of the cups from the tray, which had three on it in total, and approached Yukina.
Yukina had her eyes cast towards the ground, her teeth gritted together. She watched Rinko's feet as she grew closer.
"Minato-san." Rinko offered one of the cups, containing what smelled like hot tea.
Yukina tried to steady her hand as she accepted the drink. "Thank you." She took a sip, the warmth of the tea calming her, if only for a moment.
"Ako went… to check on Lisa." Rinko sounded far calmer than Yukina felt. She finally brought her gaze up to look properly at Rinko. "What happened?" Rinko's eyes were clear, her tone soft.
That question was the problem; how could Yukina answer that question when she wasn't even sure herself. She took another sip of her tea as she tried to come up with a response, to summarize what just occurred without collapsing.
After a moment Yukina said, "Lisa's leaving the band." Her voice almost cracked midway through, betraying her attempts to keep her emotions in. She had to shove those feelings down. If Lisa really wanted to leave the band, Yukina was going to have to deal with that. Right now, she needed to stay strong in front of her band member. "Roselia will be fine, but I'll need some time to find a replacement." She could feel how weak those words were, the horrid way they were forced out of her lips. She wanted to pull them back, to unsay and unthink them from existence.
As Yukina had learned the long and hard way, that couldn't be done.
Rinko was frowning now, turning her cup slowly in her hands. "I-is that exactly… what she said?"
Yukina thought back, to just a few minutes before. "No, not exactly." The words Lisa used had been different, but that was what she meant.
"What did she say?"
Yukina sighed, bringing her other hand up to hold the cup with both. "That she's bad at the bass and the band should replace her." Just repeating the words raised the tension in the room, threatening to bring the tears back to her eyes.
"I don't think… that she's quitting the band." Rinko moved half a step closer, speaking with confidence despite her usual pausing.
That small ray of hope lifted Yukina's heart slightly. "You don't think so?" She asked.
Rinko shook her head. "She needs someone… to talk to." She paused for a moment before considering. "She needs you… to listen."
Yukina could do that, if Lisa was willing to talk with her. "I will." She took one last sip of her tea, before depositing the cup on a table.
She stepped out into the hallway and headed towards the front. She hoped Lisa hadn't left, since that would make it much harder to find her.
Out in the lobby, Ako stood by one of the front windows. She was looking out, with her back to the rest of the lobby.
"You should head back to the studio." Yukina said as she approached her. Ako turned towards her quickly, with wide worried eyes.
The younger teen took a deep breath, blinking a few times, as if she was going to speak. She seemed to think better of it, and let the breath go. Ako merely frowned and nodded, then walked back towards the rented studio.
Yukina watched her go for a moment, then turned to the front exit.
She wasn't prepared for this conversation, but that didn't matter. No matter what Lisa needed, Yukina would be there for her.
Rinko was right, she needed to listen. Yukina had spent years asking Lisa to support her; she needed to do the same.
The automatic doors hissed as they opened and Yukina stepped out into the open air.
The next time Yukina tried, after their successful practicing session, was when she invited Lisa to study together.
That had actually gone well, superbly well compared to the first attempt. When Lisa said she needed to miss practice to study, that had been the opportunity Yukina was looking for. They hadn't studied together since last year, since they weren't learning about the same topics.
This would be a great chance to reconnect and spend some quality time together. Yukina jumped on the opportunity, saying she would skip that practice as well.
Then, with bated breath, she texted Lisa and asked if she wanted to study together. She was relieved when Lisa said yes, and overall the night had been a success.
Attempt number three wouldn't be so successful. It was about one month after the first.
Today's band practice was going to be great, since the whole band could attend. It was on a weekday too, which usually meant at least one member was busy.
Yukina went early to practice, since they always booked extra time on the front of rehearsal. When they could, her band members liked to come early to warm up and get extra practice in. Often, Yukina used that time to talk with Lisa.
On her way into the studio, as Yukina walked past the front desk, she spotted a stack of flyers. Curious, she took one off the top. It was advertising for a concert tomorrow, one that would feature new bands. Yukina wasn't sure if she was free at that time, but she would look later. For now, she stowed the flyer in her bag and continued to the studio.
When Yukina walked in fifteen minutes early, she was disappointed to find only Sayo waiting for her. The guitarist was already set up, practicing a riff from Determination Symphony. She greeted Yukina with a firm nod.
Yukina tried not to seem disappointed as she set her bag down and grabbed a mic stand. She could spend time working with Sayo; there were always sections that needed improvement. She would've just preferred if Lisa was there too.
Once Yukina had her mic set up, Sayo suggested that they run through Determination Symphony together. She said she wanted to work it at full tempo.
Yukina agreed, and the two began to play.
As she sang with the guitar, Yukina looked over where Lisa would stand, if she were here. In her mind, she could hear the accompanying bass line, the steady pluck of the notes. Yukina never got tired of that sound.
For a moment, she was lost in that thought. That was all it took to miss an entrance cue.
On her other side, Sayo stopped playing abruptly.
"Is something bothering you?" Sayo asked, hands still in place on her guitar.
"No, it's nothing." Yukina shook her head. "I'll focus during rehearsal, as always." There were still twelve minutes until the official rehearsal start time.
"But you're distracted now." Sayo replied dryly, clearly not believing what Yukina told her. "Why?"
Yukina frowned, crossing her arms. Sayo wasn't wrong, she was distracted. She sighed. "The rest of the band isn't here yet." It wasn't entirely the reason, but it did contain grains of the truth.
Sayo raised an eyebrow at that. "Shirokane-san and Udagawa-san are always right on time, and Imai-san told us she had a meeting right before practice."
"Right..." Yukina fidgeted with adjusting her mic stand. She wasn't sure how much she wanted to admit. Sayo did give good advice, though it was often blunt. Yukina kind of needed that though. "Do you think the band isn't as close as it used to be?" Lisa, the heart of the band, was drifting away. It was simpler to ask like this.
Sayo brought her right hand up to her chin, tilting her head in thought. "Perhaps, we hardly meet outside of practice anymore." Lisa always used to organize those outings. Sayo and Yukina both used to protest going, though Yukina wouldn't even consider that now.
"I agree." Yukina nodded back at her. She didn't add how much she missed Lisa, how badly she wanted to be close with her once again. "I'm worried about it."
"Have you considered telling them how you feel? It can help to share." Sayo didn't seem to consider telling just her as enough for sharing her feelings.
To be honest, Yukina felt resistant to the idea. Articulating her feelings was extremely challenging. Yukina had tried and failed before, she didn't want to be hurt again. She just wanted things to go back to how they used to be.
"No, I haven't." Yukina replied, her first completely honest response of the conversation.
"You should."
Yukina would think about it, but she wasn't sure. Sayo declared that she would practice alone until the others arrived, so Yukina should get her thoughts in order before they did.
Fine, Yukina needed to check something on her calendar anyway. She left her mic stand for a moment, getting her phone and the flyer from earlier. She opened the master calendar and checked tomorrow.
Luckily, she didn't have anything planned in the timeslot. That meant she could attend, if she wanted. Three of her other band members had that slot filled. Lisa was the only other one not listed.
If Lisa was free, perhaps she would want to go. Yukina knew she liked seeing bands, and this would be a great chance to spend more time with her.
Perhaps, maybe if she practiced what she wanted to say ahead of time, Yukina would consider telling Lisa how she felt. Her feelings, which she'd been bottling for the last couple months, were bubbling under the surface.
Lisa arrived just on time for practice that day, walking in about a minute after Rinko and Ako.
After practice was over, Yukina gathered her courage to ask Lisa to attend the concert with her. She said it was for the band, but that was just a cover. A way to make it easier to ask.
When Lisa said she already had plans, Yukina offered to go with her on impulse. She didn't really think about it, she just did.
As Lisa's cheeks grew red, and she stumbled over her words, Yukina's stomach sank.
"I'm actually meeting with someone."
Lisa fidgeted like she was nervous, embarrassed to be telling her. There could've only been one reason.
Yukina wasn't born yesterday, she knew it must've been a date. Her heart froze in that moment, unwilling to continue pumping blood through her veins.
The only word in her mind, the only word she could possibly say was, "Oh." Lisa, her dear, precious, radiant Lisa, was dating.
Yukina would be lying if she said she hadn't thought about what it could mean to date Lisa, what it would be like to remain forever by her side. That hadn't been the priority though, it wasn't as important as their friendship. It always felt like something far off, a distant dream.
The thought that Lisa would start dating in college, as so many did, hadn't even occurred to her. This element of drifting apart, of leaving Yukina behind in yet another way. She should've known; Yukina should've been prepared for this. She wasn't.
Despite her desire to remain collected, Yukina's heart burned. There was a pain in her chest, a sharp and searing tightness.
She turned away from Lisa, unable to keep her expression neutral.
"Let's go."
She didn't wait for Lisa to respond before she left. As Yukina walked out of the studio, she could hear Lisa's footsteps behind her.
Despite her recent successes, she realized as she walked, her heart had never stopped bleeding. She tried to bandage it by reaching out, by reconnecting, but it wasn't enough.
The way Yukina had been feeling these last couple months, her desperation and her desire, went beyond just friendship.
Yukina yearned for more, but she couldn't have it.
Lisa didn't reciprocate; she had someone else in her life. She was dating other people, searching for her partner.
Yukina wasn't going to get in her way. She would still try to reconnect, to cherish every precious minute together, but she would do that as friends. If Lisa knew how she felt, it would only burden her. It would strain and break the last parts of their relationship, which was the opposite of what Yukina wanted.
So, she would keep them to herself.
Hiding her feelings was what she did best.
