A/N: Trigger warning - miscarriage grief
What Jane wouldn't give to have been a fly on the wall of the bathroom. Maura had come back first, her face rosy cheeked and her mouth set in a hard frown. She had smiled at Jane when she sat back down but Jane could see that she was seething. Jane hadn't seen her look so angry since that time she had shot Maura's biological father, Paddy Doyle. Angela had followed not long after. Jane expected her to be angry as well, her Ma could give just as much as she took. Instead she looked contrite. Miserable even. Jane's eyes flickered from woman to woman, reading a whole world of tension between them. Jane was saved from commenting by the arrival of their chocolate cake. It's a truth universally acknowledged that chocolate could salve even the worst wounds. Dinner was stilted but manageable. Angela regaled them with stories of wedding planning with Frankie and Nina, who often got called out for cases leaving Angela behind to explain to florists, caterers and bakers what had happened. Maura warmed up considerably after Angela told them a story of taking TJ to the zoo so they could see 'Auntie Maura's tortoise.' The drive home was quiet and when they pulled up at the house, Maura climbed out first.
Angela hesitated for a moment before speaking to her eldest child, 'I'm sorry Jane. I said some things I shouldn't have back there. I don't blame you for losing the baby. You made a really difficult decision and you saved a young woman's life.'
Jane shrugged, 'I get it Ma. You've always wanted marriage and grandbabies for me. I'm just not so sure what you want for me is what I want for me.'
'But how will you know if you never give it a try Janie?' Angela asked.
Jane sighed, 'let's just agree to disagree tonight Ma. I'm tired and I don't want to fight with you.'
'Okay Janie,' Angela spoke. She leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to her daughters cheek, 'I love you. I'm really glad you're home.'
Angela headed for the guest house. Jane watched her to make sure she made it in safely before heading in to the main house.
Maura had already headed upstairs. Jane checked the locks again and headed up after her. In Maura's bedroom, Maura sat in the dark, on the floor, against her bed. Boston sat to one side of her, head quirking to one side. Berry sat on the other side, half of her body in Maura's lap. Maura pet Berry absentmindedly as she stared straight ahead at nothing.
Jane nudged Boston to the side and sat down beside Maura. 'Was it bad?' Jane asked softly.
Maura looked at her, Jane could see her eyes were red and watery. 'It has been so long since I fought with Angela. I forgot how awful it feels.'
Jane sighed and took Maura's hand, 'it's hard to fight with people who love us and want the best for us.'
'It is,' Maura murmurred in agreement. Boston settled beside Jane putting her head in Jane's lap. Jane gave her ears a scratch.
'Do you want to talk about it?' Jane offered.
Maura leaned her head back and offered a sad and tired kind of smile to Jane. One that said she was grateful for Jane even if things were hard. 'No. Not about Angela. At least, not right now.' Jane nodded and gave Maura's hand a squeeze. 'They would be 5 now. Just starting kindergarten.' Jane felt her heart thump faster. Her mouth went dry, her body went cold. 'I think about them all the time,' Maura continued. 'I wonder how our life would have been different. I think about what their room would look like or if they would like Boston or Berry. I see other little kids playing at the park and I think about what might have been.'
Jane felt something inside of her break, 'me too.' The first of her tears fell quietly. 'I've always wondered what would have happened if I had just told Kavanaugh. If I hadn't been on active duty. I made that choice Maura. I hid my pregnancy. I don't blame Ma for blaming me.' In a smaller quieter voice Jane whispered, 'I blame me.'
Maura leaned her head softly on Jane's shoulder. 'It wasn't your fault Jane. I don't blame you. I never blamed you. I was sad and so afraid to bring it up. I didn't want to hurt you any more than you already were but I didn't blame you.'
Jane leaned her head against Maura's letting her tears fall freely. 'I don't know if I ever really thanked you for being there for me Maura. You were so willing to just jump in, to be my co-parent. I couldn't have done it on my own but you were right there with me. Willing to be that baby's other mother. I was so grateful.'
Maura smiled, 'of course I was Jane. I was so excited to raise a baby with you. I thought it might fulfill my own nurturing desires.'
Jane chuckled at that, 'I think you would have been a fantastic mother.'
'I think you would have been a wonderful mother as well Jane.'
'I know!' Jane retorted, 'I would have had that kid throwing the meanest left hook in their whole kindergarten class!'
Maura laughed, 'and I would have them completely outfitted for a research lab already.'
'Ew!' Jane replied, 'you'd have a five year old dissecting things?'
'Well you would have them punching people!' Maura replied shoving at Jane's shoulder.
'I take it back, we would have made horrible mothers. Our kid would be the wierdest.' Jane said with a nose scrunch. 'It makes me sad we never got to meet them.'
'Me too,' Maura replied solemnly. The pair stayed that way for a while taking comfort in one another until the sadness passed or at least until their backs started complaining.
Maura was gone before Jane woke the next morning, off to meet Hope for an early breakfast. Maura was sad her morning routine had lacked an extended hug from Jane. After her fight with Angela and her heavy conversation with Jane, Maura could have used a little comfort to help ground her this morning. She had settled for a tug of war match with Boston instead. Maura arrived at the cafe she was meeting Hope at first and settled in to a quiet corner to wait. Hope arrived shortly thereafter. She hurried to Maura only to pull up short before actually hugging her.
'Is it okay if I?' Hope made a hugging motion. Maura smiled and stepped in to the woman's embrace.
'It's good to see you Hope,' Maura said, genuinely pleased to see her biological mother.
'How have you been?' Hope asked, 'how's Virginia?'
The conversation passed easily with five fewer awkward lulls between them than their last conversation. They were starting to forge their own path through their complicated relationship. Maura found that encouraging.
'Hope,' Maura asked softly, 'can I ask you a question? It may be unsettling.'
'Oh dear,' Hope replied setting her tea down. 'You may certainly ask.'
Maura shifted, trying to decide how to phrase what she was going to say. 'Last night, Jane and I,' Maura hesitated, 'we had a fight with Angela.'
'I'm so sorry to hear that,' Hope replied.
'She was... disappointed that Jane may never have children.' Maura sighed, 'she said some unkind things about Jane's miscarriage.'
'Oh,' Hope murmurred, guessing where this might lead.
'It was the first time Jane and I ever talked about it, about her miscarriage.'
'That surprises me,' Hope replied, 'you and Jane seem to talk about everything.'
Maura shifted in her seat, 'I think we were hurting too much to... I just... is this normal? This pain?'
Hope sighed, 'I don't think there is a normal after losing a baby. Maura, you and Jane were going to raise a child together, that reality, those dreams... they don't just go away.'
'But it has been five years,' Maura replied.
Hope smiled sadly. 'I mourned you for decades. I still have moments when I wonder...' Hope trailed off, 'well let's just say that getting you back is the greatest gift of my life even when it has been complicated.'
'Jane won't have that chance,' Maura replied sadly.
'No,' Hope said sadly, 'and neither will you.'
'So you just... hurt? Forever?' Maura felt tears threatening to fall.
Hope took one of Maura's hands hesitantly in her own, 'yes. And you hold on a little tighter to the people who remain. You love them a little bit harder, a little bit more, because all that love you had for that sweet little baby has to go somewhere.' Maura nodded and focused on her breathing. Hope gave her time to collect herself. 'I take it Angela really would like Jane to have grandkids?'
Maura let out a wry chuckle, 'Angela would very much like Jane to live the married with 2.5 kids American dream.'
'And I take it that Jane doesn't want that?'
Maura shook her head. 'Jane and I are perfectly happy with our careers and our dogs.'
Hope raised her eyebrows at that, she had always wondered about the closeness of Jane and Maura's relationship. 'You're hapy together?' She asked, tenatively.
'Of course we are!' Maura replied. 'Living together has been incredible.'
'Does Angela know you're happy together?' Hope asked, trying to keep her tone neutral.
'I told her we're both happy in Virginia,' Maura replied.
'Yes but does she know you make each other happy?'
Maura frowned at Hope, 'I would think that was obvious.'
Hope smiled at her, 'perhaps it should be. In any case, I'm pleased to hear that you are happy. That you are both happy.'
Maura smiled back, 'will you and Cailin be joining us for family dinner tomorrow?'
'We wouldn't miss it!' Hope replied. 'I can't wait to meet Boston and Berry and to see Jane, of course!'
Maura took a sip of her tea, pleased that Hope was interested in knowing the important parts of Maura's life. Hope took her own sip, pleased to be getting to know her daughter.
