Jane bopped along, half humming half singing, as she did the dishes. She wasn't certain who had chosen the 80's/90's playlist but Jane was happy enough to not really care. Jane had taken over dish duty from Maura, shooing her away to go spend time with Hope. The two had disappeared in to the office some time ago. Jane assumed it was clinic business. Tommy had dragged a reluctant TJ away for bed time. Vince and Kiki had left with them, saying they didn't get enough early nights. Vince had given Jane a long hug and a gruff kiss before leaving. In some ways, missing Vince was harder than missing her family. What could Jane say, the stubborn old geezer had wormed his way in to her heart. Frankie, Nina and Cailin were arguing about something in the living room, snack throwing may have been included. Yep, it was just another Rizzoli dinner.
'Can I help you dry?' Angela asked tentatively. Jane saw contrition in her mother's face.
'Sure Ma,' Jane replied with a reassuring smile. She knew they had to talk sometime, seeing as Jane and Maura were leaving tomorrow.
'Janie I owe you an apology.' Angela said dutifully avoiding her daughter's eyes, choosing a large pan to dry.
'It's okay Ma,' Jane replied with a sigh, 'I wasn't exactly kind either.'
'Yeah, well,' Angela began, 'that's the Rizzoli in us. We're passionate.' Jane nodded but held her tongue. 'I want you to know that you were wrong. I care about my kids happiness. It means more to me than my own happiness.' Angela's voice broke with emotion.
'I know Ma,' Jane replied her own voice hoarse.
'I just, sometimes I get so focused on one thing that I don't really see anything else, you know?' Angela asked. Jane chuckled. Wasn't that the truth! Angela swatted at her playfully with a towel. 'But uh Tommy, he helped me to see the bigger picture this time. I see it now. I see you're happy with Maura.'
Jane looked over at her Ma. 'I really am Ma.'
Angela smiled at her, 'I know honey and your happiness is all I ever wanted.'
'That's not true,' Jane said with a smirk, 'you also want grandbabies.'
Angela laughed as she grabbed the next dish, 'that's still true but I'm open to other options. Including non-human ones if required. Especially if they're as sweet as this girl.' Angela gave Berry an affectionate rub with her foot. The red dog was loyal to a fault to Jane. Even when that meant laying on the hard floor while Jane did dishes. It endeared her to Angela.
Jane smiled, 'well there's always Frankie and Nina. Who knows Tommy might have another kid in him.'
'But not you?' Angela asked it softly, without judgement.
Jane sighed. She supposed she owed her mother a direct answer for this one. 'Probably not, Ma. At least, not any birthed by me.'
Angela nodded, trying to take the news in stride. To her credit she only sniffed a few times. 'That's okay Janie. As long as you're happy with your choice, I will be too.'
Jane knew they'd probably have to have this conversation again but she would take it for now. 'Thanks Ma,' Jane replied softly. The pair washed and dried silently for a few moments and just as Jane began to think that maybe her mother wasn't such a pain, Angela broke the silence.
'Are you and Maura having sex?' Jane choked on the air. Leave it to her mother to be as subtle as a bull in a china shop.
'Ma!' Jane cried when she could breath again. 'You can't just ask something like that!'
'Why not?' Angela asked defensively, 'I'm your mother Janie and I'll love you no matter who you're intimate with.'
'Jesus Ma!' Jane said, feeling uncomfortably vulnerable. 'I don't ask who you're getting intimate with.'
'No,' Angela shot back a teasing look in her eye, 'you just do full criminal background checks on them.'
Jane sputtered. Her mother had a point. Jane had looked in to every man she had dated, including her own boss Lieutenant Cavanaugh. Even Nina had been subject to a few checks, though Jane had chalked that up to her own intense paranoia during the Alice Sands period of her life. Nina had gotten off light compared to the checks Jane had run on Maura's dating interests. Sensing no good way to escape the current line of questioning, Jane took a page from the Maura Isles playbook: the technical truth. 'No Ma, we are not having sex. Happy?'
'But you are involved,' Angela replied, more a statement than a question.
Jane stared at the dish in her hand. How the hell was she supposed to answer that? She and Maura were way past involved. They were... Maura was... everything. She looked up at her mother with a helpless look praying that Angela would have mercy on her.
'I thought so,' Angela answered her own question. 'I'd be lying if I said I don't have some serious concerns.'
Jane flinched. Her voice came out hard, 'I thought you said you didn't care who I slept with.'
Angela shook her head, 'I don't but I see the way you look at her Janie. Your whole world revolves around her. She brings out this side of you that I've never seen.'
'Okay,' Jane replied, still guarded, 'isn't that a good thing?'
'Oh honey,' Angela said with a softness that Jane had come to consider her bad-news voice, 'it would be if Maura felt the same.'
'You don't think Maura feels the same?' Jane asked. Jane didn't know why she was asking, she didn't really want to know.
'I don't think Maura knows what she feels,' Angela replied gently, as though speaking softly could lessen the pain of her words. 'You know how Maura is. She's smart and incredibly kind but clueless when it comes to people.' Jane grunted in reply. Jane couldn't deny the truth in her mother's words but how could the truth feel so wrong. 'I'm just not sure she'll ever be able to feel the same level of devotion that you do Janie, much less express it.'
'Why are telling me this Ma?' Jane asked. She felt cut up, as though she had been running her palms over broken glass.
'I just want you to be careful with that big beautiful heart of yours Janie.' Angela spoke softly. 'You're a heart person and you've chosen to spend your life with a head person. That can hurt.'
Jane thought about it. She felt a flash of anger and a pang of sadness. She thought about yelling at her mother. She thought about crying. Younger Jane probably would have. Older Jane took a few calming breaths and decided to look at her mother's intentions. The irony of it was that Angela had Maura to thank for that response. 'I know you don't want to see me hurt.' It was the only thing Jane could reply to.
Jane knew Maura could be clinical, knew Maura was governed by science and logic. It was part of what Jane loved about Maura. What her mother said was true. Maura lead with head. She was smart. She was kind. And she was absolutely clueless about people. Jane also knew Angela was wrong. Maura was devoted to Jane, at least Jane was pretty sure she was. Jane stared at the empty sink. She could hear Angela talking, Jane nodded along, turning off the water. 'Thanks, Ma,' Jane said, 'I'm gonna walk the dogs.'
Jane grabbed the leashes in a daze. She heard the others asking if she wanted help. She waved them off and left. Jane shivered in the night air, having left her jacket behind. She let the dogs guide her through the neighborhood and toward the park. She breathed in the cool fall air and let it clear her head. She let the three of them into the dog park, settling on a bench. She didn't know how long she had been sitting there, her mother's words rattling in her head. Long enough for her fingers to have gone numb in he cold.
'Jane?' A voice broke her out of her ruminating. 'Are you in there?'
It was Maura. Of course, it was Maura. How could Jane ever doubt Maura's devotion?
'Over here Maur!' Jane called in to the darkness.
She heard the tell-tale clicking of the gates opening and closing and Boston's own yipping. 'Yes Boston! Yes, I see you girl!' Jane heard Maura said. When Maura reached Jane's bench, she passed Jane her jacket. 'You must be freezing! What are you doing out here?' She asked, rubbing her hands together in the cold. Jane could see the slightest hint of steam from her breath. Maura sat on the bench beside her. 'Frankie said you left in a hurry and without your jacket. He was worried about you.'
Jane shrugged her jacket on, 'sorry about that.'
'Was it your mother again?' Maura asked. Jane could hear the faintest edge of anger in Maura's voice.
Jane shrugged. It was and it wasn't. 'Do you remember that time I jumped off that bridge?'
Maura shivered, 'of course I do. It was terrifying. I thought I'd lost you for forever.' Maura had grabbed one of Jane's hands in her own squeezing it softly, 'you aren't thinking of repeating the experience are you?' Maura asked teasingly.
Jane let out a harsh laugh, 'no, never. I was just thinking about when they brought me home on that boat. And you were there and I hugged you.' Jane drifted off, her mind recalling the morning. She was exhuasted and freezing and the only thing better than seeing the Boston coastline was seeing Maura standing at the top of the dock waiting for her. Jane hadn't thought of anyone other than Paul when she jumped off that bridge but she had forever to think about how she left Maura standing at the top of that bridge alone and afraid on that boat ride home.
'You said you had never been so happy to see me,' Maura replied her own memories flooding in. Maura had watched Jane jump. She had watched her body fall in to the water below, watched it resurface and start to swim. Maura watched that tiny shadow of a body disappear in to the vast oceanic darkness. She was the one who made the call, she had coordinated the search until Korsack got there, she had stayed all night, terrified she would be the one asked to do the autopsy and even more terrified they would never find a body at all. When she saw Jane, soaked and tired but very much alive, Maura had practically collapsed in relief. Then she had hugged Jane, held her as tight as she could.
'Yeah, and then you walked away. Told me you'd see me at the office.' Jane said, her voice brimming with emotion.
Maura felt it all again in a flash. The anger, the relief, the embarassment, the fear. All of it flooding her in an instant. She'd released Jane and all but ran away. 'Not one of my finer moments,' Maura admitted.
Jane squeezed her hand reassuringly. 'It didn't take a genius to figure out that you were overwhelmed,' Jane murmurred. 'I know feelings are hard for you.'
'They certainly can be,' Maura replied honestly. Jane knew her better than anyone, there was no use lying. 'But that doesn't mean I don't have them, that I don't care.'
'I know Maura. I think,' Jane spoke in a whisper now, 'you might even care more because of it. I've always been able to tell how you feel about me. You know, always known where I stood with you. Whether you were pissed off, annoyed, charmed. I knew when you ran away from me that morning, that you were running because you loved me and because it just hurt so damn much.'
'You are exceedingly good at reading me,' Maura said, staring at Jane, observing without judging. Jane took a breath.
'Tonight while I was washing dishes, Ma came over to apologize.' Jane said, 'she finally realized that we're both happy. Said she saw it now.'
Maura smiled, 'that's good then?'
Jane nodded, 'yeah. No more match making is definitely a good thing. But then she started talking about how I'm a heart person and you're a head person.'
Maura's face scrunched up, 'I don't understand. You and I possess both of those anatomical features.'
That made Jane laugh, 'she means I go with my emotions, my gut.'
'Ah,' replied Maura, 'and I prefer to make my decisions based on the evidence hence the head. I understand now.'
'She wanted me to be careful, said I could get hurt,' Jane replied, 'said heart people being with head people could cause friction.'
Maura considered this for a few moments. 'We certainly have had friction as a result of this, especially in our work.'
'Yeah,' Jane murmurred, 'we have.'
'I believe we have always navigated it quite well together.' Maura offered.
Jane smiled, 'yeah, we have.'
'I'm afraid I don't understand,' Maura said softly, 'has something changed in that dynamic that concerns you? I assume that's why we are sitting in a cold dark dog park.'
'Not really.' Jane said. Then, seeking confirmation, 'we're still us, right?'
Maura nodded her brow furrowing, 'of course, we could hardly be someone else.'
Jane chuckled, 'obviously. I just meant. It's okay if you're the braniac head and I'm the gumshoing gut as long as I know where I stand with you.'
'Where you stand with me?' Maura asked softly, still confused.
'Yeah, that even when you're overwhelmed by your emotions that its because of your love for me.'
'Like on the bridge? To be fair, I was very angry as well.'
Jane grinned, 'as long I know we're in it together, that's okay.'
'Together in the emotions, you mean?' Maura asked her voice teasing, 'because we definitely weren't together in the water.'
'Can you forget about the bridge already,' Jane asked, her tone full of good natured accusation. She rolled her eyes.
Maura smiled wryly, 'you just want to know how I feel about you?'
Jane shook her head, 'no, I know how you feel about me. I guess... I just need reassurance. Sometimes.'
'Like when your mother gives you bad advice?' Maura asked.
That was the heart of it, wasn't it. The reason Jane had left her family in a fog to come sit alone in a cold dark dog park. Well, not really alone. She had Boston and Berry. And Jane knew, on some level, that Maura would find her. Eventually. Maura always did. Jane knew how Maura felt. She just needed reassurance. A reminder. When the doubts were loud. She nodded, blinking away her tears, 'yeah, maybe.'
They sat quietly for a moment. Then Maura murmurred, 'I could write you a peer reviewed paper with extremely conclusive forensic evidence for just how much I care about you but the revoiew process is at least 14 months long.' Jane stared at Maura, unable to decide if Maura was joking or not. Maura smiled broadly at her, 'if you can't wait that long, perhaps a brief synopsis will do.'
Jane laughed, 'there's nothing brief about what you just said but give it to me.'
'I love you. Out of the roughly 7.8 billion people on this planet and of the tens of thousands of people that I personally have met, you Jane Clementine Rizzoli,' Maura bumped Jane softly, 'are my absolute favorite. And I am happy to remind you of that whenever you need to hear it.'
Jane grinned. She took Maura's hand and brought it to her lips, kissing her knuckles softly. 'Thank you,' Jane muttered softly as she brought their hands back down, 'you're my favorite too. And that is the last time I let my mother play detective.'
Jane brought her lips softly, tenderly to Maura's knuckles. Her lips were cold but that didn't stop them from warming Maura's entire body. Her cheeks flushed, her mouth fell open in surprise. The movement, likely only seconds, felt like they were happening in slow motion. Maura watched Jane lift their hands collectively to her lips, watched those lips form and press tenderly to the 1st joint on her 3rd finger, watched as Jane lowered their hands once more. Elation. Utter elation. Maura felt the flood of dopamine wash over her, making her body tingle.
Jane looked at her and chuckled, 'what's that look for Maur?'
Maura's mind raced. A thousand answers died on the tip of her tongue. She needed to act. She felt it on a primal level. It demanded she act irregardless of the lack of evidence, overruling her prefrontal cortex's demand for reason. She found herself speaking, her voice surprisingly calm and confident. 'Jane? Will you let me take you on a date?'
Time froze. Maura's brain went in to overdrive. Her prefrontal cortex began berating her. This was not how she intended to go about this. She was supposed to collect the data, make a reasoned assessment of their attraction levels and other compatibility factors, then she would prepare Jane for the question and then when she was certain of the outcome, then she would ask. Everything controlled, predicted, accounted for. Her amygdala began preparing for rejection, she could feel it pumping out wave after wave of adrenaline, preparing her to run. Her cerbellum sped up her heart rate, sending blood to her limbs. Behind it all, her hypothalamus pumped out a steady dose of hope. It anchored her, forcing her to endure the endless seconds before Jane's reply.
Then Jane smiled, 'of course Maura!'
That was it. Maura's brain stopped, though that, of course, was anatomically impossible. Every thought, every feeling, every process skipped a beat. 'Really?' Maura asked, almost disbelieving.
'Of course,' Jane replied.
'You'll go on a date, with me?' Maura asked incredulous, 'a romantic one?'
'Is there another kind?' Jane asked with a chuckle.
'The kind that could lead to kissing? To sex?' Maura asked again. Her stomach fluttered, though Maura wasn't sure whether it was in excitement or disbelief.
'If it goes well,' Jane said with a smirk, 'mighty presumptuous of you there Maura.'
'Why aren't you more freaked out?' Maura asked, 'I just asked you to go on a date. A real life, romantic date. With me.'
Jane shrugged, 'why would I be freaked out? Dating is sort of the next natural step, right?'
'It is?' Maura asked. Maura would have put money, good money, on Jane freaking out over Maura's attraction to her.
Jane looked at her then concern flitting over her features, 'does it not feel natural to you?'
Maura blinked. Dating Jane Rizzoli? Kissing Jane Rizzoli? Having sex with Jane Rizzoli? The idea was certainly pleasant. Desireable. But natural? Maura wasn't sure. Had they always been heading to this? Did intimacy neccessarily beget attraction? Maura didn't have an answer that. She felt a slow smile spread across her face, 'you'll really go on a date with me?'
Jane reached up and put a hand against her forehead, 'feeling okay there Maura? You don't usually struggle with simple concepts.'
Maura shoved the hand away playfully. 'Just,' Maura murmurred, 'say it again. I have a better response, okay?'
'Yes Doctor Maura Isles, I will go on a date with you.' Jane gave her an easy smile that made Maura's heart race.
Maura smiled at her, warm and bright. Then gave pointed finger guns at Jane, when she spoke she modulated her voice to sound deeper than her normal range, 'cool, baby. I'll pick you up on Friday at 7.'
Jane snorted. Her hand flying up to her nose as she laughed. Maura grinned, feeling incredibly pleased. She had cheered Jane up, made her laugh so hard she snorted and scored a date with her. Maura wrapped an arm casually around Jane's shoulders, pretending to be cool and non-chalant about it while her brain threw a neurochemical party. Jane didn't seem to mind, tucking herself in to Maura's side and resting her head on Maura's shoulder. Maura smiled to herself. Sweet, sweet oxytocin.
