Maura watches Hope as she paces in the parking lot outside of the prison. Hope is all grief, anger and agitation. She practically pulses with nervous energy, her hands shake and her eyes take large sweeping glances at the barbed wire fences in front of them. They're due in 3 and a half minutes. Hope had been pacing for 13.2 minutes. It reminded Maura of Jane only, if Jane were here, Maura would stop her by wrapping her arms around Jane's waist and nuzzling her neck. With Hope, Maura was out of her depths. She had tried to say something rational. Hope had smiled at her wryly and promptly resumed pacing. At last Maura had settled for leaning against the hood of the rental and watching.
If only she would say something, Maura thought. If Hope would just talk to her maybe Maura could come up with a response that would comfort her mother. As Hope made another pass, Maura struggled not to release a sigh. Jane would know what to do. Cailin would know what to do. Maura though? Maura was better with the dead than the living. Maura looked at her watch once more. 1.8 minutes.
'Hope?' Maura ventures softly, 'we should go in.'
Hope stops, staring off in to the distance. Maura thinks, maybe, she's broken her. Instead, her mother nods once, resolutely and turns towards the entrance. Maura follows quietly after, afraid to disrupt whatever strength was propelling Hope forward. At the first guard station, the guard asked for their ID's and information. Hope dug out her ID, her face pale. Maura decided to go ahead and do the speaking.
'Doctor Hope Martin,' Maura gestured to her mother then to herself, 'Doctor Maura Isles, here for a visit with Patrick Doyle. It should be pre-arranged by Agent Cameron Dean.' Maura couldn't quite bring herself to call if a family visit.
The guard grunted, logging both ID's in to the system. He rattled off a list of procedures then requested they pass over their jackets and purses. Maura nodded and thanked the man. She slipped off her watch, putting it in her purse, then she handed over her purse. Then she shrugged off her jacket and passed that over, leaving her with only her phone. When Maura turned to Hope she saw that the woman still hadn't moved. Maura took Hope's purse with a gentle tug, settling her ID in her wallet before passing it over. Then she helped Hope pull off her own jacket and passed that over. The guard handed them two item slips then gestured them through the first metal detector to the left of the desk. Maura guided Hope with a gentle but firm hand to her lower back.
The guard on the other side of the desk explained she was going to do a pat down, to which Maura nodded. She went first then gave Hope an encouraging nod. The woman passed Hope and Maura along through another gate where a third officer lead them through a series of corridors to a room. It wasn't terribly comfortable. It had a table at the centre that was bolted to the ground and benches on either side that were bolted to the ground. On the walls were posters with listed rules. Maura guided Hope to sit down, she took one of Hope's hands in her own and offered her mother what she hoped was a reassuring smile.
Maura felt it was an eternity and yet no time at all before a guard knocked on the door and escorted in a hand cuffed Paddy Doyle Jr. Hope gasped, her fingers tightening painfully around Maura's. Maura didn't blame her. Paddy didn't look good. His broad shoulders and strong musculature had diminished significantly. His cheeks were hollow, his eyes ringed in dark circles. His face was rosy, his breathing ragged though Maura doubted he had come from vigorous exercise. Still, when he entered, his eyes lit up as though he was drinking them in. They didn't stray even as the guard undid his cuffs and warned him to behave. The guard promised to be just outside, Maura nodded her thanks and watched Paddy as he deliberately and slowly stepped towards them.
'My girls,' Paddy whispered, his voice harsh, 'my beautiful girls.'
Maura took the man in, his obvious illness, the obvious affection in his voice. Maybe, Maura should have felt torn. Or broken. But all Maura could feel was concern, not for Paddy but for Hope. A glance over at her mother, was all she needed to know that Hope was not doing well.
Hope's lips were thin, tears streamed from her eyes unnoticed by Hope herself. Her skin, which had been pale was positively ashen now. Maura rubbed a thumb softly over Hope's hand. Hope's eyes remained glued to Paddy, watching him as he shuffled awkwardly to the bench across from them and settled in to his seat.
'Hope,' Paddy said, his hands reaching for hers instinctively. Hope didn't so much as twitch, merely stared at those empty hands coming towards her. 'My love,' Paddy whispered again, this time the sound was pleading.
Maura barely heard the soft gasp that came from Hope's lips. 'Don't,' she whispered.
Maura watched Hope's eyes squeeze shut and she felt a tug on her heart. Maura looked at Paddy, warning him to back off.
'Don't you dare call me that.' Hope's voice was soft and harsh.
'Hope,' Paddy whimpered as though it was the only thing he had to grasp on to.
'You don't love me. You could never have loved me.' Hope's anger lashed out at Paddy.
'Of course I did,' Paddy whispered back, shrinking under her anger, 'I love you more than anything.'
'If you loved me, you would have left this life. You would have left with me. You would have found a way,' Hope accused, 'love doesn't watch from afar. It doesn't send you money and put you in the middle of a money laundering scheme. It doesn't steal your child away and tell you she's died. It doesn't leave you broken and alone in the death of your baby wondering how you'll survive. You have never known what love is.'
Paddy's mouth hung open, the hurt on his face obvious. When he spoke it was defensive, 'I had to protect you both. My father would have killed you. Both of you. I didn't have a choice.'
'You didn't have a choice?' Hope's voice was a steely whispered shout. 'You could have talked to me.' Hope patted her chest in her anger, 'we could have handled it. Could have put her up for adoption together. Could have found a solution. You stole her from me.' Hope gestured toward Maura now. 'You stole her from me. I didn't get to nurse her, to hold her, to change her diapers, to sing her lullabies. I didn't get to kiss her boo-boos or see her learn how to walk or ride a bike. I didn't get to take her to her first day of school. I didn't get to help her through her first heartbreak or watch her graduate. I didn't get to watch her grow up to be a doctor. And that is all your fault Patrick Doyle. So don't you dare tell me you love me. You stole my baby from me. Her whole life.'
Maura could feel Hope shaking next to her, could feel the anger thrumming through her. She could see the hurt and shock on Paddy's face.
Maura wrapped an arm softly around Hope's shoulders, guessing more than anything else, that the physical contact would help. 'Hope,' Maura murmured, 'it's okay. I'm right here.'
Hope turned to look at her, fury and anguish in her eyes. She all but collapsed side ways in to Maura's arms, causing Maura's eyes to pop open in surprise. Giant droplets of water poured on to Maura's shoulders and Hope's hands grabbed tightly to Maura as though she was afraid of losing Maura again. 'I lost you,' Hope whispered heatedly, 'I can't lose you.'
Maura held back tightly, her throat tightening. 'I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere.' Maura shot a look of pure ice at Paddy. It was an old wound, an old grievance but Maura was caught up in the freshness of Hope's pain, pain that Paddy Doyle had caused them all.
'Hope?' Paddy whispered.
'Don't,' Maura cut him off, 'you don't get to talk to her.' Maura held on to Hope as though she were trying to protect her mother from anything else Paddy might say or do. 'You lost that right so long ago.'
Paddy dropped his head in to his hands, tears over flowing. 'I can't make up for the past Maura but you have to know, I do love you. Both of you. So much.'
'I think you love the idea of us. You never gave any of us the chance to love each other,' Maura spat back, feeling the venom in her own words.
Paddy gulped, 'I… you're right.'
'I'm not here to start a relationship with you Doyle,' Maura said, her voice falling naturally in to her perfected tone of cool indifference, 'I just need to know if you prefer to be cremated or buried.'
Maura saw the hurt flash across his face. 'I'm your father Maura,' the man said raggedly. Maura felt Hope flinch in her arms.
Maura shook her head, 'you are a biological contributor to my DNA. Nothing more.'
Paddy nodded stiffly, 'you're entitled to feel that way but you're my kid whether you like it or not. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing will ever change my love for both of you.' Paddy stood to leave then. 'Cremation is cheaper. Throw my ashes on a pile of horse shit. I don't care.' He tapped on the door for the guard.
Maura watched the guard put the cuffs on and escort the man she shared half her genetic make up with out the door. She took her own steady breath before returning her attention to Hope.
'Hope?' Maura whispered, 'are you alright?'
Hope shook her head but she pulled away from Maura anyways. Maura frowned at that. She wasn't sure she wanted Hope to say whatever it was she was going to say without support. 'I love him so much it hurts,' Hope whispers, 'but every time I think about what he did, about how I lost you, I get so angry.'
'Rightfully so,' Maura replied, 'I get angry too.'
'That was the last time I will probably ever see my soul mate…' Hope whispered, her voice sounding jagged and broken.
Maura didn't have a response for that. She pulled Hope in to another hug and held her. Hope sobbed in to her arms. Maura rubbed softly at her back until the sobs subsided. When Hope pulled away, Maura smiled softly. 'Come on, let's go get cinnamon rolls,' Maura tugged softly at Hope's hand.
Hope nodded and allowed herself to be pulled away from the room, back through a plethora of gates, back to their things and finally to the car. Maura guided the car back to the freeway and away from Paddy. When they were well away from the penitentiary, Maura peaked over at Hope.
'I'm okay,' Hope said softly, sounding as though she was reassuring herself as much as she was Maura.
'You are?' Maura asked surprised, 'because it's okay to not be.'
Hope let out a strangled sort of sound from her throat, 'I know. I just… I meant I'm okay right now.'
'Okay,' Maura responded, trying not to let her doubts through.
'I'm sorry I fell apart back there,' Hope said, 'I was supposed to be the one comforting you.'
'It's okay,' Maura replied softly, 'I think in some ways you did.'
'Yes,' Hope said dryly, 'me crying in your arms is terribly comforting.'
Maura flinched, willing the sarcasm to not hurt. She had Jane after all, she should be immune to sarcasm.
'I'm sorry Maura,' Hope said looking properly guilty, 'I shouldn't have said that.'
'I've always known I was adopted,' Maura began, 'and I used to make up the reasons for why. My biological parents died in a car crash or fighting over seas or as top secret spies working for our government. My mother refused to tell me anything more about my adoption and so I used my imagination but as I got older and my peers ostracised me more and more I couldn't help but think that I was given up for adoption because I wasn't wanted. That my biological parents knew who I was to become and decided to get rid of me. It was foolish, likely the result of decreased serotonin creation as a result of teenage depression but I never had any proof to the contrary.'
'Maura,' Hope whispered.
'Then I met Paddy. He showed me photos of me that he kept in his wallet. He told me that he always kept an eye on me. It was unnerving. Not at all the reassurance I was wanting but it felt a little like being wanted. Then when we met….' Maura trailed off, her throat tight, 'I was so afraid that you didn't, wouldn't, couldn't want me. I was terrified to meet you. Terrified to tell you.'
'I didn't exactly have the best response,' Hope whispered.
'I don't know if there's a good response to finding out your kids not dead, just kidnapped and forty years older,' Maura replied softly with a shrug. Maura pulled in to a parking lot, putting the car in park and turning off the ignition. She turned to look at Hope more fully. 'I've spent my whole life,' Maura's voice broke with emotion, 'wanting to be wanted by you Hope. My whole life. And seeing you in there… I realised how much you did want me. You wanted me.'
'Maura,' Hope whispered. She reached out and brushed one of Maura's tears with a gentle thumb, 'I wanted you more than anything. I spent my whole life aching for you baby girl, wishing you were there.'
'I'm here now,' Maura whispered, feeling an overwhelming number of emotions.
'You are,' Hope said with a nod, 'and you're everything I could have hoped for in a daughter and so much more.' Hope leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to Maura's forehead. 'I love you so much Maura. I'm so glad you found me.'
'I'm glad I found you too,' Maura whispered as she held tightly on to Hope.
When their emotions had settled, Hope gave Maura's hands a squeeze, 'cinnamon rolls?' She smiled brightly at Maura.
'That sounds lovely, Mother,' Maura said with a shy smile in return.
