A/N: I apologise for the delay in my return. We had a lovely vacation and family holiday but after we had an animal emergency that has been difficult and resulted in us putting down our dog. It's always hard to lose an animal and it was my young daughters first experience with loss. As a result I do not have energy for daily updates so I am just going to do a dump to finish this fic today.
Additionally, this was a hard chapter to write. I did not want to take an 'easy' out for Lola and Noemi. It was important me to capture Lola's devout and conservative faith in tension with her self-less love for her granddaughter. I also wanted Noemi to have the space to be authentic on the page. Coming out is such a unique and important part of anyone's story and I recognise that it can be particularly hard. Regardless of how similar or dissimilar your story may be, regardless of whether you're out, regardless of your identity, I wish you love and health.
Jane strolls through the hospital lobby, humming. She had showered, napped, walked the dogs and had lunch with Maura. Jane was feeling human again. Which is probably why out of the corner of her eye she spots a familiar form in the hospitals chapel. Jane frowns, pausing at the door. Noemi's grandmother knelt at the alter, her hands flicking over a well worn set of rosary beads, her lips murmuring what Jane assumed was a Hail Mary. Jane entered, keeping her footfalls soft. Jane stopped at the second pew, stepping in to the left. Jane did the sign of the cross and settled in to wait. The smell of musk and wax filled Jane's nose, it was the smell of church to Jane. Maybe even the smell of God, though privately, Jane hoped God chose a more pleasant scent like chocolate chip cookies or lemon trees.
The woman stood slowly, struggling to rise. Jane almost stands to help her but her respect for the sanctity of the woman's privacy stopped her. The woman wiped at her tears, tucking her rosary in to her pocket. Jane watch her back elongating, her shoulders straightening, her head held high. A proud catholic woman. Jane had to resist smiling, she knew more than a few of those.
Lola turned, her eyes finding Jane almost immediately, 'Agent Rizzoli.'
Jane smiled, disarmingly, 'hello Lola. I just wanted to see if you were doing alright.'
Lola joined her at the pew but did not answer. Jane could see struggle written all over her face. 'The church has been my place of refuge for almost as long as I have been alive. It has given me strength in my moments of weakness. It has given me hope in moments of despair.'
'I can understand that,' Jane says looking at the alter.
'I love the church, Agent Rizzoli,' Lola says sadly. 'I have strived to instil that same love in Noemi. To give her a refuge, a place of home, a guide in a turbulent world.'
'I would imagine many parents feel similarly,' Jane offers uncertain as to the direction of this conversation. 'Most of us need a little hope and a little faith at some point.'
'I love my apo, Agent Rizzoli,' Lola continues, 'she is all I have left of my only daughter. She is my heart. My brave justice seeker. I've always been proud of her. Always.'
Jane frowns, not entirely comfortable with the direction this conversation was headed. 'Is there some reason you would no longer be proud, Lola.'
Lola shakes her head, 'my heart tells me one thing and my faith another. Tell me Agent Rizzoli, do you consider yourself a person of faith?'
Jane leans forward, her eyes tracing the alter, her mind recalling the hours she had spent in chapels similar to this one. 'I suppose, I would,' Jane says at last, 'I may not be the kind of catholic my Ma wants but I believe in God, in justice, in loving one another.'
'And yet you are with another woman?' Lola asks. Her tone is carefully guarded, conveying neither judgement nor acceptance.
'I am,' Jane acknowledges, flexing her hands, her body preparing for a fight. She isn't entirely surprised Lola picked up on her relationship with Maura earlier. After all, Jane's head had been in Maura's lap when they met. Jane lets out a controlled breath. This might be the first step in Lola's understanding Noemi's identity. Jane owed it Noemi to help Lola understand, if she could.
'How do you rationalise it? How do you step in to the church knowing you will never be accepted? That you will be ostracised? Reviled and rebuked?' Lola asks, her voice straining with emotion, 'does it not bother you?'
Jane considers her next words carefully, 'for you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb.'
'Psalm 139,' Lola replies softly.
'I am who I am,' Jane says softly, 'I have made and will make many mistakes. I am imperfect and flawed. I will have reasons for confession for as long as I am alive but loving Maura? Loving Maura will never be one of those things.' Jane put a hand on her chest, just over her beating heart, 'this heart? This heart was made to love Maura.' Jane held her hands out in front of Lola, letting her see them even with their scars, 'these hands? They were made to hold hers. The Lord made me to love Maura.' Jane put her hands back in her lap. '1 John says: Anyone who loves their brother or sister lives in the light, and there is nothing to make them stumble. But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness. I walk in the light Lola. I love more because of Maura. There's nothing more true than that, nothing more holy.'
The pair sat in silence for what felt like a long moment, when Lola spoke it was with a gruffness to her voice. 'You speak prettily.'
Jane laughs, 'Maura brings out the poet in me.'
'Does she bring out the best in you?' Lola asks, tilting her head sideways, a curious look on her face.
Jane smiles, thinking of all the ways Maura brought out the best in her, 'definitely. The thing is, Lola, you wanted to give Noemi a home, a refuge, a guide through troubled times. What better refuge, what better guide, what better light is there than love?'
'So you're saying I should ignore my faith and listen to my heart?' Lola asks her gaze piercing Jane.
Jane bites her lower lip, 'I'm saying you have a wonderful granddaughter who was shot last night. She could have died. Peace with your faith may or may not come but your granddaughter is up there right now wanting your love and acceptance. Questions of faith are eternal. Your granddaughter's life here is not.'
Lola nodded, tentatively reaching over and patting Jane's hand. 'True enough. Thank you for speaking with me. I know it can't have been easy.'
Jane gives her an easy smile, 'Noemi's worth it. Can I walk you up?'
'Actually,' Lola says softly, 'would you be so kind as to drive me to pick up lunch? I was going to take a cab.'
'Certainly. Hospital food is the worst,' Jane says with a grin.
Noemi wakes slowly, a dull pain radiating through her left side. A groan of pain falls from her lips. Her mouth is dry, her head aching.
'Noie?' Aarna asks from somewhere above her, 'are you in pain?'
Noemi tries to speak, willing her dry mouth to produce some kind of saliva. She tries again. Then a cup is pressed to her lips and Noemi gulps gratefully.
Soft fingers caress her cheek, tender and familiar. Noemi opens her eyes to see Aarna looking at her adoringly, 'have the meds worn off?'
Noemi nods, 'I think so. Unless I'm supposed to feel like I've been shot.'
Aarna frowns, 'you do know you were shot, right?'
Noemi rolls her eyes, 'I'm very much aware.'
'I meant,' Aarna starts but stops, sighing, 'you were too high to answer our questions so none of us knew how much you remember or if you had hit your head.'
'Oh,' Noemi says somewhat guiltily, 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…'
Aarna cuts her off with a shake of her head and a shaky smile, 'it's okay. I'm just glad you're okay. I know the others will have to take your statement and ask your questions but I'm here if you want to talk about it.'
'Thanks Mahál,' Noemi said softly. 'There's not much to tell. We were running through the woods. Agent Rizzoli tripped, we were going to lose him, so I ran ahead. I didn't see the opening until it was too late. I think I passed out.' Aarna nodded, sitting back down in a chair pulled up beside the bed. She intertwined their fingers carefully. 'I think Doctor Martin was there… and then a helicopter… and then not much else.'
'Do you remember me or your Lola arriving?' Aarna asks softly, her face guarded.
'My Lola is here?' Noemi asks, reflexively releasing Aarna's hand. A flash of hurt crossed Aarna's face but she retracted her hand without a word.
'She is, she went to get lunch and stretch her legs,' Aarna whispered.
Noemi frowned, 'what's wrong? I'm sorry if I… I mean… you know I'm not… we can't be… out.'
'I know,' Aarna says softly, 'it's okay Noie.'
Noemi watches a tear fall, Aarna wiping it away quickly, turning her head. 'So what's wrong?' Noemi asks again.
'You need to speak with your Lola,' Aarna says her voice measured and controlled, 'you were very affectionate when high. I did my best to hide our relationship but you were very insistent.'
Fear made Noemi's heart beat faster, a fact made more obvious by the machine ticking beside her, 'you mean my Lola knows?'
Aarna stood, turning to look out the window, wrapping her arms around herself, 'I don't know how much she knows Noie but if she doesn't suspect it's because she doesn't want to see it.'
Noemi tries to think of a response to that. She tries to muster her courage but instead one awful thought kept repeating in her head. If her Lola knew, Noemi would lose her. Noemi wasn't ready to face that eventuality so instead she said, 'could you go find a doctor? I think I'd like some more meds.' Aarna nods without looking at her, leaving Noemi alone with her fears. The nurse appeared a few minutes later, Aarna did not. Noemi wasn't certain if she missed the woman or was grateful for the space.
Lola and Jane stepped in, bearing bags of lunch, just as the nurse was preparing to administer the medication.
'Noemi Reyes Baccay why is Aarna crying in the waiting room?' Lola's tone was firm, her face pulled in to a disappointed frown. 'That girl has been in here taking care of you, giving you water and holding your hand for hours. What did you do?' Noemi flinched, looking expectantly at the nurse, hoping for a save. The nurse kept her gaze cast down, refusing to meet her eyes. 'You will answer me this instant, young lady,' Lola said in her most authoritative voice. It was the voice that had stopped child Noemi in her tracks and made her jump to do her chores. It promised a world of trouble to come. Lola set the bags of food on the counter. Noemi knew she had stayed silent a moment too long when Lola crossed her arms and began tapping her foot.
Noemi opens her mouth but her brain supplies no answer. Instead, tears pour from the edges of her eyes. 'I don't know,' Noemi whispers at last. It isn't a complete lie. She didn't know why Aarna was upset about what was an established fact. They both had agreed to not be out.
Lola clicked her tongue, 'I taught you better than this Apo. You do not treat someone you… you… l-love like this.' Lola gestured at all of Noemi and then down the hallway towards what Noemi assumed was the waiting room.
Noemi's mouth dropped, 'and you're okay with that? With my lo-loving her?' Jane shifted from foot to foot, looking nervously between the two women. For a moment, Noemi wonders if the Agent will intervene. It surprises Noemi to realise she doesn't want her to. Whether Noemi was ready or not, she was about to get her answer.
Silence stretches between them, the only sound the quiet movements of the nurse as she prepared Noemi's next medications. The air in the room is tense and heavy, 'I am…' Lola begins, 'trying.'
Noemi isn't expecting it. Her heart thumps so painfully she fears it might just burst. 'Lola,' Noemi whispers.
'Hush, you,' Lola says rebukingly, 'I love you Apo. If that woman makes you happy, if she takes care of you, if you love her and she loves you what more is there?' Jane smiles at Noemi, a proud look on her face.
'She makes me so happy Lola,' Noemi's voice is so soft, it barely seems audible.
'I saw,' Lola says, rolling her eyes affectionately, 'I've never seen you so… gooey… before.' Her Lola said the word gooey with displeasure. Jane snorted, hiding a smile behind her hand. Noemi tried to glare at her but the tears in her eyes made her blink too often to make the glare have any power.
'I want to marry her one day Lola,' Noemi says, feeling braver.
She thinks she sees Lola's eyes narrow slightly before she nodded, tersely, 'so long as she continues taking care of you like this and you are both happy then why would I care who you're with?' Then Lola shook a finger at her, 'but if you want to keep her you had better apologise for everything under the sun when I send her back in.'
Noemi nodded, looking away. 'I will,' Noemi whispers to her grandmother's retreating back.
Jane leaned against the doorway, 'surprised?' A hint of mischief played on her face.
Noemi swiped at her tears. The nurse, graciously, handed her a box of tissues before moving to leave. She stopped by Jane and murmured, 'you have about fifteen minutes before she gets loopy. You'd best make that apology happen soon,' the nurse winked at Noemi as she left.
'What on Earth did you say to my grandmother?' Noemi asks, staring at Jane in wide eyed awe.
Jane shrugs her shoulder, 'we talked about faith. And about love.'
'That's it?' Noemi asks amazed at her mentor, no heroes, ability.
'Mostly. She's a proud woman. A good catholic. Mostly though, she's your Lola.' Jane frowns slightly, 'I reminded her that you are temporary. You can be lost. She loves you. She wants to see you happy. Aarna makes you happy.'
Noemi nods, 'but she isn't completely comfortable with the idea?'
Jane shakes her head, 'I think that's a time thing. She wants to be. It helps that she really likes Aarna but it's going to take time. But I don't think she'll make you try and choose.'
'Wow,' Noemi says reverently, 'I owe you one Agent Rizzoli.'
'Yeah, well,' Jane shoves her hand through her hair, 'considering you took a bullet saving my future sister in law I think we can call it even.'
Noemi chuckled, 'nah we aren't even close to even.'
Jane pouted, 'alright what more do I have to do?'
'I meant, I owe you,' Noemi said with big smile, 'I get Aarna out of all of this.'
Jane grinned back at her, 'that you did kid. That you did. Just do me a favour and no more getting shot, okay?' A voice clearing behind Jane brought both of their attention to Aarna. Jane waved at Noemi, turning to leave. 'Nurse says she's only got a few before the good stuff kicks in. Take a video this time, would ya?' Jane winked as Noemi yelped at her. Aarna nods, thanking Jane softly. Noemi looks at her, her clothes are rumpled. Her eyes are ringed in dark circles, her cheeks streaked with tear tracks that she must be unaware of. Her skin was blotchy on her cheeks, her nose a bit runny. Aarna was the picture of misery and it stole Noemi's breath away.
'Hey,' Noemi says sadly, 'will you come sit?'
Aarna takes a deep breath before nodding and finding her way back to the chair. Noemi tried not to be hurt when she moved the chair further away. 'Your Lola said you wanted to talk?'
'I do,' Noemi said softly, 'its clear that I hurt you. I'm afraid that I am not sure how. What happened?'
'It's stupid,' Aarna whispers, 'just me being sentimental.'
'Was it because I wouldn't hold your hand in front of my Lola?' Noemi asks.
'That hurt,' Aarna admits, averting her eyes, 'especially since you'd been insisting on doing so all morning. You wouldn't even let me go to the bathroom without promising I'd come right back.' Noemi raises an eyebrow, surprised at her behaviour. 'You're very affectionate when high,' Aarna says with a chuckle, 'but that wasn't it entirely.'
'Okay, so…?' Noemi asks. Silence stretches out between them and Noemi wonders if Aarna will leave her dangling out on her own.
'We said I love you for the first time this morning,' Aarna whispers so softly, Noemi barely hears her. 'We said I love you and you don't remember it. It's stupid and sentimental but it hurts.'
Noemi's heart melts. 'Aarna,' Noemi says reaching for her lover, 'I do love you. I love you so much its terrifying. So much I, apparently, become gooey.' Aarna chuckles, wiping away her tears as she took Noemi's hand. 'And I know you love me. I see it in your eyes every time you look at me. I feel it every time we kiss. And it makes sense that you would remember our first I love you but I wouldn't. You always figure this stuff out first but it doesn't mean I'm not right there with you. Okay?' Aarna nods, Noemi pulls her hand up to her lips, 'I love you Aarna.'
'I love you too Noemi,' Aarna whispers back, leaning in to caress Noemi's cheeks. Then their lips are connecting and the world slots in to place once more. Aarna pulls back ever so slightly whispering softly, 'you had better remember this one.' Noemi chuckled and pressed forward in to the kiss once more.
When they parted, Noemi replied, 'we can always have three first I love yous. I plan on saying it to you quite often.'
'Oh yeah?' Aarna asks, raising an eyebrow playfully.
'Mmmhmmm,' says closing her eyes, 'and for a very long time too. Like forever.'
She doesn't see Aarna's smile but she hears it, 'I could cope with forever.'
'Oh yeah?' Noemi parrots back to Aarna. Noemi opens her eyes to look at Aarna, 'because my Lola knows now. When I say forever, I mean for real. Forever. You and me. Out and happy.'
Aarna's eyes go wide, tears shimmering softly in them, 'you came out to her?'
'More like… she called me out. Scolded me for upsetting you,' Noemi says with a grin, 'I think she likes you more than me.'
'And she's okay with it?' Aarna asks, squeezing Noemi's hand softly.
'She's trying,' Noemi says with a shrug, 'which is enough for now.'
'I'm happy for you Noie,' Aarna says with a squeeze of Noemi's hand. Then Aarna chuckled softly, 'of course she likes me more. I know how to tell a story without making it sound like a report.'
Grinning, Noemi asks, 'Will you keep holding my hand, please?'
'Always and forever. Are you feeling high already?' Aarna asks, intertwining their fingers.
'Nope,' Noemi says, though she does feel the pain in her shoulder dissipating slightly, 'I just really like holding your hand.'
Noemi feels lips press softly on her knuckles and hears a soft, 'I love you' whispered against her skin. Neither one of them hears Lola's soft retreating footsteps.
