Chapter 12
BPOV
Downing the last sip of wine, I frown into my glass. Rose has yet to say anything but her facial expression keeps changing from angry to disgusted to sad to, my least favorite, pity, and back again. While I wait for her to settle on an expression, I grab the wine bottle and pour myself my third glass. The numbness I feel is only enhanced by the effects of the alcohol and I sigh as I take another large gulp.
"Bella, slow down," Rose frowns as she moves the wine bottle away from me. "Drinking a bottle of wine probably doesn't react well to your medication."
"I forgot to take it this morning," I admit as I take another drink. Rose's expression finally settles on disapproval as she looks over at me.
"You should be taking it every day," she instructs.
"I do take it every day. I just forgot today," I huff before finishing my glass. My phone buzzes in my pocket and I groan, pulling it out, expecting to see Edward's name on the screen. To my surprise, though, it's not his. It's only the other name I don't want on the screen: Dad. Rolling my eyes, I toss my phone on the counter, letting it continue to vibrate. Rose picks it up and, before I can protest, answers it.
"Hello?" she answers, looking at me. "I don't think talking to her right now is a good idea…Of course she's hurt. You hired someone to…I understand that but you still…Dad, stop interrupting me. I understand where you're coming from but you're the one that started this. She doesn't want to talk to you right now, you need to give her some space…Yeah, I'll talk to you tomorrow…Okay, bye," she finishes before hanging up and sliding my phone back over to me. I give her a grateful smile before standing.
"I'm going to go get ready for bed," I say as I walk my glass over to the sink, setting it in the basin. Going back out to the living room, I pick up my bags, setting the clothing bags by the couch, removing my pajamas from one of them. My feet pad against the cool wood flooring as I make my way towards the half bath down the hall. Closing the door behind me, I start the process of washing my face and brushing my teeth. It doesn't take me too long to get through it, but my movements are definitely sluggish compared to normal. After washing my face, I take a look at myself in the mirror.
The whites of my eyes have a reddish tint to them from the crying, the lower lids a bit puffy for the same reason. It's been about an hour since I stopped crying but apparently my eyes have decided not to assume they can go back to normal yet. The wine also probably doesn't help the situation. Glancing down at my skin care collection, I frown as I remember getting ready for work at Edward's Monday morning.
Edward comes into the bathroom, his hair far more disheveled than normal and his eyelids still heavy with sleep, just as I'm finishing up washing my face. Scratching the scruff on his jawline, he gets up on the counter, leaning against the mirror.
"Remind me again why you choose to get up this early," he grumbles as he picks up the small tube of eye cream I had set out in my lineup of products. With a yawn, he inspects the product, twisting the tube in his hands.
"Because I have to be to work before my students so I can have some time to get everything prepared for the day," I smirk. I'm starting to find out that Edward is so not a morning person. Sure, he was fine Saturday Morning, but it also wasn't five in the morning when we woke up. As I swipe my toner over my face, I watch him continue to look at the bottle, as if he can't figure out what it is, a slight pout pursed on his lips.
"I'm going to need that, you know," I tease as I deposit a few drops of serum onto my hand. After rubbing my hands together, I pat the serum into my face, focusing most on my forehead and cheeks.
"This is like an arsenal of skin care products," he notes as he places the small tube back where he got it from. Not done with his curiosity, he picks up the serum I just used, squeezing the rubber part of the eye dropper as he looks at it.
"It keeps my skin healthy, though," I smirk. I dot some eye cream under my eyes before patting it into my skin. Edward turns his attention to me as I dot a little bit onto my lips, too.
"I don't think you're using that right," he teases. "Your eyes are a little higher up on your face." Rolling my eyes, I place the tube back on the counter and squeeze a bit of lotion into my hand.
"So, eye cream is designed to moisturize places that don't have sweat glands," I explain. "That's why I use it on my lips, too. It helps moisturize them. Plus, I was told by this saleslady at Ulta that my lips can get smaller as I get older if I don't moisturize them, so," I finish with a shrug.
"I think that saleslady is good at her job," he chuckles before scooting forward on the counter. Noticing I'm done with my skin care, he grabs the hem of my tank top and gently pulls me to him. Smiling, I let him do it, positioning myself between his legs.
"You know," he muses, his fingers trailing underneath my shirt, along the hem of my pajama shorts. "We don't have to go to work today." Laughing, I gently push him away, taking a small step back.
"That's where you're wrong," I grin. "I have to go to work today. You might not have to, but I do." Groaning, he hops off the counter but doesn't disagree. "You're kind of a bad influence, you know that?" I tease. He quirks an eyebrow at me and I can tell he's thinking about what he's going to say. It doesn't take him long, though.
"Oh, I'm the bad influence? You're the one that jumped me on Saturday and I'm the bad influence."
"I didn't jump you," I laugh. He gets off the counter, pulling me by my hips so my body is flush against his. Smirking, I run my fingers along the contours of his chest, making my way up to his collarbone.
"You for sure jumped me," he insists as his hands travel south. Before I have time to react, he wraps an arm beneath my ass and lifts me onto the counter. Laughing, I hold onto his shoulders as he sets me down.
"Now who's jumping who?" I laugh as his face presses into my neck, kissing along the side of it down to my shoulder. "Edward," I start to whine but it turns into a moan. "I have to get ready." He reluctantly pulls away, placing a kiss on my cheek and helping me down off the counter. "Thank you," I giggle before walking out of the bathroom. He follows me into the bedroom, dropping back onto the bed while I get clothes out of the closet. As I walk out, I can't help but notice how cute he is sprawled out on the bed with his hands behind his head. Setting my clothes on the bed, I crawl over to him, straddling his lap. Laughing, he rests his hands on my thighs, lifting his head to meet mine as I lean in to kiss him.
Staring at the eye cream in my hand, I sigh as I set it on the counter. Deciding my skin care routine is too strenuous for tonight, I quickly clean away my makeup with a makeup wipe before changing into my pajamas. When I make my way back out to the living room, I see Rose setting up my makeshift bed. When she hears me enter, she looks up and gives me a small smile.
"Are you sure you're okay with the couch?" she questions.
"I said earlier I would live on your couch if I could. I wasn't bluffing," I joke, although the tone in my voice sounds more exhausted than humorous. I plop down on the couch, my head on one end with my feet just reaching the point where the sectional turns. Bunching the pillow up between my arms and shoulders, I rest the side of my head atop it, staring out into the living room.
The front door opening abruptly makes me jump and quickly sit up. My breathing heavies as I fear the confrontation that will come from either Edward or Dad being at the door. The fight at Edward's has left me drained and the thought of having to go through something like that again, tonight, is enough to spike my anxiety.
Thankfully, it's only Jasper that walks through the door. He looks over at me, a pained expression on his face as he does. The anxiety dulls again but the pain in his face brings a bit of emotion through the numbness. Emmett comes down the stairs, greeting Jasper as he makes his way over but stops across the room when he sees Jasper's face.
"Alice told me," Jasper says, still looking directly at me. I nod, biting the inside of my cheek and sniffling a bit. "Bella, I had no clue," he whispers.
"I didn't think you would," I frown. "He tangled everyone in his lie."
"Are you and Alice okay?" Rose asks as she leans against the back of the couch, her arms wrapped around herself as if she were giving herself a hug. Jasper ponders that question for a moment before shrugging with a slight shake of his head.
"She's part of this lie, you know? She kept this from all of us," he reasons.
"It wasn't her lie to expose, though," I throw out. "Jas, I'm not mad at Alice. Yeah, she lied, but it was to protect her brother. It wasn't her place to tell us."
"But it also wasn't her place to weave herself into our lives. There's no reason for her to be this woven into this when she knew everything could blow up once Edward decided to tell you the truth. That's another level of fucked up, by the way. Dating you while he's," he starts to rant but I cut him off, having already thought it all and not wanting to feel the hurt that comes with it.
"Jas, I know," I sigh. "I just want you to know that I'm not mad at Alice. I can understand why you're upset, but don't let Edward's lies ruin what you have. I haven't seen you this happy in a long time." Jasper breathes in deep, walking over and settling onto the opposite side of the couch. He stares down at his lap, the frown still prominent in his expression.
"He fooled us all," he grumbles.
"As much as I don't want to defend him, Dad made it clear he had to," I frown, pressing myself further into the corner of the couch. "He said he tried to get off the case from that first night he met me here," I add on.
"He told me that," Emmett throws out. I glance over at him questioningly. "I talked to him before he had the chance to leave. Figured Rose would get your side and I would get his. Best to know both sides, right?"
"You better be taking Bella's side," Jasper warns.
"I'm not taking sides. Yeah, this situation is fucked up but they're both hurt by it," Emmett justifies. My brothers and I were never ones to fight much. The two of them used to fight with each other more than they ever fought with me, but on the off chance that Jasper and I did have a fight, Emmett never chose sides but kind of played the role of the mediator. Even when Rose and I would fight, he would take on that role, too, so it's not surprising that he's opting to do that in this situation. While it kind of stings that he's not fully on my side, I know he has everyone's interest at heart.
"As long as you don't take Dad's side, I'm good," I mumble.
"I'm going to hear Dad's side. I'm considering going over there right now," he says, crossing his arms.
"I'll save you the time and energy. Dad's side is that he thinks I'm still a helpless child that can't take care of herself and that I need someone to babysit me twenty-four-seven. His side is that he doesn't trust me to take care of myself and probably thinks that if James gets close enough to me, I'll either go running back to him or let him beat me to death," I rant, my voice nearly acidic towards the end.
"I can see why he would think that," Emmett admits, almost shyly.
"What?" I shriek, sitting up. "Are you kidding me?"
"Bells, I didn't mean anything," he starts but I don't let him finish.
"Yes, I stayed in an abusive relationship but it wasn't because I had a choice. Do you know how difficult it is to leave a relationship like that? Especially in a small town like this! I was trapped, Emmett, and he made sure I knew it. He told me if I even breathed a word of this to any of you, I'd be dead before anyone could try to get me out." I pause, staring hard at Emmett while he looks down, clearly embarrassed. I wait a moment before continuing, making sure my last comment really sets in first. "So no, I'm not going to go running back to James and I'm not going to just let him beat me to death. I know how to defend myself. Dad made sure I knew how to defend myself. I didn't in my relationship with James and that's a regret I have to live with the rest of my life. But I will be damned if I let him lay another finger on me."
"Sorry," he whispers in response. Taking in a shaky breath, I try to calm myself down, beating back the rage that has started to bubble up again. Emmett doesn't deserve the rage I'm feeling. I know he didn't mean any offense by what he said, he's just the unfortunate one to be on the receiving end of my anger.
"It's okay," I say softly, once my anger is under control again. "You're welcome to go talk to Dad and hear his side, but I'm telling you that he's going to tell you I needed someone to protect me."
"Em, how about we go to bed and you can consider talking to your dad tomorrow," Rose suggests. "it's getting late anyways." Emmett nods in agreement. Sensing he needs more than a verbal verification that I've forgiven him, I push myself off the couch, making my way over to him and wrapping my arms around his torso. He hugs me to him tightly, his arms and body dwarfing me.
"I really didn't mean anything by what I said," he mutters.
"I know you didn't. I'm an angry mess right now and I shouldn't have taken it out on you," I sigh as I pull away. "Now, I'm going to bed. I'm exhausted," I say with finality in my tone, hoping they'll get the hint and disperse. Thankfully, they do and with a quick muttering of goodnights, we all go to our respective sleeping arrangements.
Once I've settled into the couch, I send a quick text to Alice.
I don't blame you for keeping his secret. I'm not angry with you. I'll get Jasper to come around. – B
It's short and to the point and I'm not one to dabble with emojis so there's no indication of emotion in my text, either. Pondering over the text, I get a bit anxious, reading it over and over again and realizing how standoffish it sounds. As I scroll through the emojis, wondering if I should send one, I get a reply from Alice.
I wanted him to tell you sooner. He really didn't want to hurt you. Hopefully you and I can still be friends. And thank you, I really don't want to lose Jas over this. – A
Alice's text ends with three heart emojis, which seems so fitting for her. Smiling a bit, I text her back one more time.
We'll definitely stay friends. – B
After a quick debate, I end my text with a heart emoji before sending it. I set my phone to silent and rest it on the coffee table before doing my best to fall asleep.
Between restless tossing and turning and nightmares filling the few moments of sleep I get, I'm exhausted by the time my alarm goes off. Sitting up, I rub the sleep from my eyes the best I can before taking my clothing bag with me to the bathroom. I pull out a dress from my bag, smoothing it out to make sure there aren't any wrinkles before hanging it on the door while I wash my face. The soft cotton material is comfortable enough for the dress to feel casual but looks dressy enough to pass as professional attire. I pile my hair on top of my head, securing it in a bun with a hair tie.
The task of washing my face still seems strenuous but I force myself to make it through my entire skincare routine. Once I'm finished, I look in the mirror with a sigh, deciding makeup is not going to happen today. I strip from my pajamas and change into the dress, glancing at myself in the mirror again. The mint-colored button-down garment covers my shoulders and upper arms in t-shirt length sleeves and travels down just past my knee creating a modest, yet still stylish look.
I opt to leave my hair in the bun before picking up my bag and leaving the bathroom. Settling back into the couch, I grab my shoe bag and sort through the several pairs, looking for my nude sandal wedges. Once I find them, I strap them onto my ankles and hoist myself up from the couch. With the intent on making coffee, I make my way to the kitchen.
No one else is up yet. Or, at least, no one else is downstairs yet. I know Emmett doesn't go into the gym until at least nine and Jasper doesn't leave for work until around seven. Rose should be up and around soon, though. I set up the coffee machine to make a full pot of coffee, knowing all four of us depend on the caffeine. As it brews, I sit on the island counter, my gaze finding the spot where Edward stood when we first met. If only I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't be in this mess. I wouldn't feel this void that's filled my chest and mind. I feel empty; like I'm just skin and bones running on autopilot. It could be the lack of decent sleep, but I feel the exhaustion I'm experiencing surpasses that.
"Morning," I hear Rose's cautious voice. I turn my head to look at her and offer a tight smile as I echo her words. "How'd you sleep?"
"Like shit," I frown with a shrug. "But that's not surprising. I normally sleep like that."
"I didn't hear any nightmares," she points out, hopefulness in her voice.
"Doesn't mean they didn't happen," I sigh. "It seems like every time I actually fell asleep, I had one. They weren't as vivid as usual, but it was still enough to wake me up every time."
"You sure you're up for work today?" she asks.
"Yeah, I'm okay," I nod, although we both know my words are untrue. "You okay with driving me to therapy after work?"
"I'm more than okay with driving you." She grabs down two travel mugs from her cabinet before pouring coffee into them. I watch as she prepares them with cream and sugar, making mine with nearly double what she puts in hers. After securing the lids onto them, she hands me my mug.
"Thank you," I smile appreciatively.
"Let's get going," she smiles back at me. I carefully let myself down off the island before following her out of the house. We make our way over to her car, piling in without another word. The short drive to work is quiet, the only sound coming from the radio as a morning talk show plays softly.
I knew today was going to be rough even before going to bed last night but I never expected the day to drone on like it is. I'm physically at work but I'm not mentally at work and I'm just hoping that my students aren't picking up on it. I do my best to put on a cheerful front, hoping that it's enough to make me seem like my normal self.
In reality, though, all I can think about is Edward being in my classroom—sitting at the desk in the center of the front row as I finish up my work or, even worse, on my desk with me on top of him. The thoughts send a sharp pang through my chest and just fuels the anxiety coursing through my system. I hate that he has this hold over me and that I let myself fall for him so willingly and easily. After ending my relationship with James, I promised myself I would be strong and independent but what did I do? Exactly the opposite and look where I am because of it. I jumped into a relationship with the first guy that was kind to me. Which, come to think of it, is exactly how I ended up in the James situation in the first place.
As I work through my classes, I feel sort of like I'm experiencing an out of body moment, although it lasts a lot longer than a moment. I teach the same as I do everyday but it feels like I'm watching my lectures from out of my body instead being the one delivering the lectures. It's an odd feeling and makes me feel dissociated, but I power through nonetheless.
I don't even bother going to Rose's office, fearing she's going to want to talk about how I'm holding up. There's no point in me going in there and putting on a strong front when I know she'll be able to see right through my bullshit and I'm not about to go in there and talk about what I'm feeling. I'm exhausted just thinking about talking about it and I know I'm going to be talking about it in therapy this afternoon so I'm trying to refrain from going through it more times than necessary. Instead, I spend my lunch period in my classroom, struggling through a protein bar I keep on hand in my desk. About halfway through the bar, I decide my appetite is completely gone and toss it to the side before opening my laptop to check emails.
Towards the end of the semesters, my email account sees more activity than normal with parents emailing to ask how to bring their students' grades up. Most of the time, it's from the parents that have students who don't turn in most of their assignments and, at that point, I can't do much to help their child pass my class.
Once the lunch period is over, I start on the rest of my day, delivering the same lectures I rambled through during the morning periods, as my anxiety grows with every minute that ticks by towards school ending.
EPOV
Riley lies across my torso and lap as we lounge on the couch, watching some cartoon he's really into. I have to admit, I'm not paying too much attention to it, but it beats lounging around my house and it definitely beats going into work, which is why I called out for the day. Chief didn't question me on it and didn't insist that I come in so I'm taking the day to hang out with Riley while Alice works on Rose's wedding.
Thankfully, Alice hasn't pressured me into talking too much, but I know the whole not-knowing thing is really bothering her. Plus, I know she and Jasper got into it last night after I came clean to Bella, so that's weighing on her, too. This whole situation is so much more frustrating when I think about all the collateral damage I've caused. I never would have thought this much damage could have ensued from my getting too close to Bella. But then again, I did bring Alice into this and I brought Bella's family into this, so I'm not sure what else I expected.
Riley shifts, pushing against my chest to help push himself up into a sitting position. His legs swing over to the left side of my body and leans back against the back of the couch, effectively using me as a cushion instead of a mattress.
"Ri, only one more episode of Bluey, okay?" Alice calls as she walks into the living room. I tilt my head back to look at her only to realize she isn't alone. Rosalie's hard stare meets mine and I feel a sense of shame wash over me again. I sit up on the couch only to be met by Riley's protests.
"Hey, answer your mom," I respond, giving him a soft, yet stern look.
"Okay, Mommy," he says smally before looking back at me. I give him a small smile before looking over at Rose.
"Hey," I say uneasily under her critical stare.
"Hi," she says shortly before sighing. "Look, I'm pissed at you and I'm completely on Bella's side, but this isn't all your fault." As she speaks, she doesn't sound like she's happy she's admitting this to me. It almost seems a bit reluctant and I can't help but wonder if she's talked to Emmett about this. "I understand this isn't all your doing and that Charlie put you up to this but," she continues but I cut her off.
"I took this too far, I know," I frown. "Rose, trust me, that's all I've been able to think about. I let it get out of control and I ended up hurting everyone involved."
"Everyone would have been hurt regardless of how far you took things with Bella. What matters to the guys and I is Bella and what you did to her. Emmett's right, though: she's forgiving. She's hurt right now but she's the most forgiving person I know. I may not think you deserve it, but I'm sure she will." I'm unsure of what to say to this, so I nod. I definitely don't deserve her forgiveness but part of me truly hopes I earn it.
"Rose, how about we go work on the wedding," Alice cuts in, sounding almost awkward. Rose's expression softens as she turns to Alice and nods. "Edward, take him outside after this episode, please?" I nod and look back at Riley, who's no longer paying attention to Bluey or her family.
"Go outside?" he asks eagerly. I give him a smile and nod of confirmation before turning the TV off. Before it's even off, he's off my lap and bounding for the door.
"Hey, you need shoes, Little Man," I remind him. He stops running, turning on his heel, and hurries off towards the front door. I follow him, feeling very sloth-like compared to him. I'm not sure how he has this energy on most days but today, especially, I'm finding it difficult to even think about keeping up with him.
Sleeping last night was damn near impossible. Between thinking about what happened earlier in the night and the scent of Bella on my bedsheets, I barely got any sleep. Which, is my own fault, I'm well aware, but it doesn't change how difficult it was.
After Riley slides his feet into his Crocs, he grabs my hand and pulls me with him out the back sliding door. Letting go of my hand once we're outside, he sprints over to his playset, climbing up the rock wall to the top. I watch as he stands on his tiptoes to look over the top of the walls at me.
"Come on, Uncle Eddie!" he calls to me. I grin up at him but shake my head a bit.
"I'm going to watch you," I call back, which immediately makes him pout. "I'll push you on the swings if you want," I try to reason. Grinning, he makes his way to the slide and practically throws himself down it, his little body rocketing to the bottom as he does. Landing on his feet, he runs to the swing set and pulls himself up onto a seat, kicking his legs excitedly as he waits for me to walk over. Once I do, I pull him backwards before letting him go. As he swings back, I gently push him forward again.
We continue this for a few moments before my phone rings. Pulling it out of my pocket, I look at the screen. Chief Swan's name appears in bold letters as the ringtone continues to play. Sighing, I answer it as I continue to push Riley one-handed.
"Officer Cullen," I answer, not masking the distaste in my voice.
"Cullen, I know things went sideways with the case but," he starts but I'm not about to hear him out.
"I'm off this case, remember? And quite frankly, I think you should close it. Keep an eye on James if you feel you need to but leave Bella out of it."
"I don't think you're in any position to tell me what to do and not to do," he retorts gruffly.
"I'm telling you that if you don't want to lose Bella for good, you've got to cut this shit out. If you don't believe me, ask your kids. Now, I've called in for the day. I'll talk to you tomorrow." With that, I hang up, knowing fully well that I'm going to get hell for it tomorrow. At this point in time, though, I can't find it in myself to care.
BPOV
I shift uneasily on the couch as Dr. Greene looks at me with a knowing glance. She can tell something's off even though I thought I've been hiding it fairly well.
"What's bothering you, Bella?" she asks after a few moments. I breathe in a deep sigh, looking down at my lap as I let it out.
"It's been a rough twenty-four hours," I frown, still not looking up from my lap.
"Why's that?" The question hangs there for a moment and I can't help but let out a humorless laugh as I think of how to explain.
"Edward and I broke up," I say, deciding to start there. She waits for me to continue and I can feel her kind gaze on me but I can't bring myself to look up at her. "He's a police officer at Forks Police Department. When we met, he told me he was a pediatrician so up until last night," I explain, my voice breaking. I can feel the tears pooling in my eyes, demanding to spill over, and the lump in my throat telling me to let out a sob. I swallow thickly against the lump as my lip trembles a bit. "He lied to me this whole time," I continue with a whisper. She doesn't pressure me to continue, which I'm thankful for because I need a few moments to compose myself.
"My dad opened a case to protect me and assigned Edward to it, telling him to befriend me. My brothers and Rose didn't know either. We were all blindsided by it. But last night, Edward told me everything and," I sigh, shaking my head, not wanting to say we broke up aloud again.
"So, it sounds like there's hurt from Edward and your father, then," she notes and I nod.
"It's like, I'm so angry. I am so, so angry and I can't figure out how to get rid of it." Despite taking the few moments to compose myself, tears manage to make their way down my cheeks. Brushing them away, I continue talking. "I'm angry at my dad for creating this case in the first place but I'm even more angry at Edward for everything that followed. He said he fought to get off the case from the first time he met me but why pursue a relationship with me? Why did he put me through this?"
"How did you react last night when he told you? When the anger started?"
"I yelled at him. A lot, actually. And it was," I stop, trying to find the word for how it felt. "Satisfying? I mean, it didn't take care of the anger, clearly, but it was nice to be able to yell at him and not feel fear afterwards. He just let me do it and that's something I'm not used to."
"How did that help your anger?"
"It kind of subsided after that but I can still feel it," I frown. "It's still there and I can feel it just sitting in my chest," I explain as my fingers sort of claw at the center of my chest.
"It sounds to me like you don't feel like you have any resolution," she notes. "You have the answers but nothing was resolved. Am I correct?" I breathe in deep and think about her remarks for a moment before responding with a nod.
"I have the answers, yeah, but there's still all this conflict. The last thing I want right now is to see my dad or Edward."
"I'm not going to tell you to go see them if you truly don't want to, but your resolution may come from speaking with them." I breathe deep as I wipe a few more tears away, knowing she's right. I'm going to continue to be angry if I don't resolve this but nothing they can say will take away the hurt that's settled beneath the anger. Nothing they say can make this situation less hurtful and I'm sure they know it.
Dr. Greene and I spend some time roleplaying how a conversation with Edward would go before doing the same with a conversation with Dad. I'll admit, at first this exercise seems a little weird and awkward, but it's actually a therapeutic experience and gives me a bit more motivation to talk to them. I know what I want to say, I just have to do it for real at this point.
Once my session is over, I head out to the parking lot where Rose is waiting for me. I get into her car, resting my head back against the headrest.
"Exhausted?" she asks knowingly and I nod. "Let's go home and you can sleep."
"Can we actually go to the store?" I ask, turning just my head to look at her.
"Sure," she says, furrowing her eyebrows questioningly. "What for?"
"I want to bake something." She nods and starts heading towards Thriftway.
"How was wedding planning?" I ask.
"Good," she grins. "We've just about finished up. Everything just has to fall in line the day before and day of."
"That's great, Rose," I smile at her. "Was Riley happy to see you?"
"He, uhm, was actually hanging out with," she starts but lets the last word linger, hoping I'll catch on without saying his name. I do.
"Oh, okay," I nod. "Uhm, how did he seem?" I ask, chewing on the inside of my cheek nervously.
"About the same as you do," she answers with a frown. "He knows he fucked up bad." I nod. "I kind of let him have it when I was over there." I glance over at her silently as I wait for her to elaborate. "I told him I'm pissed at him and on your side and that he took things too far." I nod a bit, not quite knowing what to say.
Rose parks the car and we get out, heading inside.
Edward and I make our way down the baking aisle to get the items I need for the chocolate pie Mom requested.
"You know, if we could just quickly go to my house, I could easily get all the ingredients we need," I say for probably the fifth time since we've been on this shopping trip.
"And have your dad shoot me for letting you into an active crime scene? Hell no," he laughs. "Get what you need and stop complaining." With an eye roll, I start to grab the ingredients I can in this aisle.
"You can use this when you babysit Riley," I say as I grab the cornstarch, tossing it into the basket I'm holding. "Just mix it with some water and let him play with it."
"Why would he want to play with watery cornstarch?" he asks, genuinely confused.
"It's not like that," I laugh. "When you mix water and cornstarch it turns into this weird solid-yet-liquid state. It's solid when it's on a flat surface but if you pick it up, it's like an almost liquid. It's hard to explain, but kids love it."
"You're such a teacher," he teases before kissing my cheek.
"Or don't use it, see if I care," I say, trying to look at him with irritation but the grin on his face makes it difficult. He chuckles a bit before leaning down to kiss me. My fingers lose their grip on the basket, making it fall to the ground with a crash. Chuckling, Edward breaks the kiss.
"I like your teacher side," he murmurs with a grin before pulling away and I can't help the blush that comes over my face.
"Okay, it's one thing to do that at home but in public?" I whine, trying to sound upset as he retrieves the fallen basket.
"I'm not sure what you're talking about," he grins at me. Shaking my head, I pick up a container of cocoa powder and deposit it into the basket. He takes my hand in his, rubbing his thumb along the side of mine as we continue to walk through the store.
"What're you thinking of baking?" Rose asks as she grabs a basket.
"I'm thinking blueberry muffins," I muse as I head towards the produce section. I sift through the cartons of blueberries until I find one I'm satisfied with.
"What did Dr. Greene say?" she asks casually. I breathe in deep, holding it for a moment as I try to decide whether I want to avoid this question or not. Deciding there's no use in avoiding it, I release the breath before answering her.
"She basically said I'm angry because I don't have any resolution," I say, glancing over at Rose before we continue walking. Thankfully, muffins aren't too intricate of a recipe so I don't need to pick up too many ingredients.
"Did she suggest how to get resolution?"
"She said she wasn't going to tell me to do this if I really don't want to, but she thinks I should talk to them."
"And what do you think?"
"I'm still at the point where even seeing them is undesirable but I think she has a point. I need to talk this out or I'm just going to continue to be angry about it. And I can rant to you and talk to Dr. Greene as much as I want but it won't change how angry I am."
"So," she trails off.
"So, I'm going to see how I feel in a few days and decide if I really want to talk to them or not," I frown as I grab the last few ingredients I need. "Come on, let's go check out."
Back at Rose's house, I head straight to the kitchen to start baking. I found that baking helps me cope with my emotions when I broke up with my first college boyfriend. When we broke up, I found myself scrolling through Pinterest and looking at all the deliciously sweet baking recipes. Wanting something chocolatey, I found a brownie recipe and, after getting all the ingredients, set to baking in the community kitchen in my residential hall. The rest is history, I guess.
Now I bake whenever something upsets me or if I'm too stressed out from work. So that's what I'm going to do. It's a task that allows me to focus on something besides what I'm feeling and it's a much welcomed distraction.
By the time Emmett gets home, I've just put the second batch of muffins in to bake.
"Something smells good in here," Emmett notes as he walks in. Looking up at him, I see a cautious look on his face, as if he doesn't know what to expect from me.
"I made blueberry muffins," I say as I point to the batch that's cooling on the counter. "I think I'm going to make lemon poppyseed next. I just have to go back to the store," I muse as I look around at my baking mess.
"Don't you want some dinner first?" he asks as he holds up a bag of takeout containers. "I stopped at the diner on the way home."
"No, I'm actually not all that hungry," I shake my head. "Thank you, though," I smile at him. I set back to my baking mess and start taking the dishes to the sink to wash them. I can feel Emmett watching me while I wash the dishes but I act like I don't notice. I know he wants to say something to me, but I'm assuming it's asking me how I am and I don't want to encourage that. After a few moments of watching me, though, he does speak up.
"Bells, can I ask you something?" he asks almost nervously. Breathing deep, I turn the water off and turn to him as I dry my hands on a towel.
"What's up?" I ask wearily.
"Would you have a problem if I continued to train with Edward?" he asks. I haven't been oblivious to this but I've been so caught up in my own hurt to realize how much Edward impacts all of our lives. He wasn't just my boyfriend; he was a friend to all of us. And, I suppose, he is still a friend to Emmett. I didn't think about how our breakup and his lies would affect everyone else.
"Em, you don't have to ask my permission," I sigh with a frown. "He's your friend too. Just because he and I, well, you know, doesn't mean you can't still be friends with him." The last thing I want is for my issues with him to ruin what my brothers have with Edward. While it may be weird for me for a while, I don't want them to feel like they have to lose their friend because of this.
"I just didn't want you to feel weird about it," he shrugs.
"Honestly, it's going to be weird for a bit with you being his friend but I'll figure it out. I don't want you to lose him just because of the issues he and I have."
"I mean, he lied to all of us," he shrugs. "We're all mad at him but he was under Dad's orders with his job at stake." I'm unsure of what to say to this so I just nod my head. "Thanks, though, Bells," he smiles at me and I give him the best smile I can. He puts my carryout container in the fridge before grabbing two forks and heading out towards the living room. Hesitating at the entryway between the two rooms, he turns back to look at me. "For whatever it's worth, he was about to quit his job because he wanted to tell you the truth."
A lump forms in my throat at his words, making speaking near impossible. Instead, I give him another nod and look down at the muffins I baked. Without another word, he leaves the kitchen, calling Rose's name as he does. I turn back to the counter and set the towel down as a few tears manage to escape my eyes.
Friday goes by even slower than Thursday, which is surprising with the buzzing excitement radiating off my students. Normally, Friday is one of the quickest days of the week because of that. All I can think about while I teach today is what Emmett told me last night. Why does it feel like him nearly quitting his job to tell me the truth somehow makes this situation different? I mean, it still hurts and I'm still not sure if I can trust him, but this new information has somehow changed this.
I'm not sure at what point during the day I came to this realization, but I know that I have no choice but to talk to Dad and Edward. I'm not saying I ever thought Dr. Greene was wrong, but after leaving the session yesterday, I didn't really want to believe that I had to talk to them in order to get closure. But now that I have this new bit of information, I can't help but wonder what other information I'm missing. The only way to get this information is by talking to them so I resign to the fact that I need to.
As Rose and I walk out of school at the end of the day, I feel the anxiety bubbling in my chest as I try to muster up the strength to tell her to take me to the precinct. I can tell she notices, too, because she keeps glancing over at me as we make our way to her car.
"Bell, just say it," Rose finally says as we drop down into our seats.
"I want to go talk to Dad," I rush out before glancing over at her uneasily. "I need to go talk to him," I correct afterwards.
"You want to go now?" she asks and I nod. Giving me an encouraging smile, she starts up the car. It's times like these that I wish Forks is bigger. While I've decided to go speak to my dad, as we pull into the parking lot, I feel like I need a few more minutes to talk myself into going into the precinct.
"Do you want me to go in with you?" Rose asks, sensing my hesitation.
"I wasn't going to make you wait in the car. But it's up to you if you want to come in or not. I'm not sure how long I'll be," I respond, glancing over at her before opening the door.
"I'll let you and Dad have this conversation alone, okay? Text me if you need me to come inside," she says as I get out of the car. I lean down and give her a tight-lipped smile before closing the door and making my way inside the precinct. I've been here countless times throughout the years and know the layout like the back of my hand. Dad used to bring me in some days when I was a preschooler while Jasper and Emmett were in school. Mom has several pictures of me throughout his office in a family photo album that she chooses to bring out every few months or when we have company over.
As I walk through the lobby, I turn the corner to head towards where the officers' desks and Dad's office are. I'm stopped in my tracks when I spot a mess of bronze hair across the way. His head is angled down, a cheek resting against the heel of his palm as he looks through some papers on his desk. I know I'm staring but I can't stop myself. My eyes are glued to him, clad in his uniform, as my stomach turns flips and my mind screams at me to move. It feels like an eternity since I've seen him when in reality it was just yesterday. The pain and betrayal creep their way back into the forefront of my mind and I can feel my eyes begin to prick with impending tears.
"Bella," Dad's shocked voice pulls me out of my trance. As I look away from Edward and towards Dad, I see Edward's head pop up. I keep my eyes on Dad as I walk over to him, but I'm fully aware of Edward's stare through my peripheral.
"We need to talk," I say, my voice not as strong as I want it to be. Dad nods and motions for me to follow him into the office. I almost make it inside before my eyes betray me and glance over at Edward, who's staring at me with his mouth slightly agape. Quickly averting my eyes to the ground, I enter Dad's office, closing the door behind me.
"Have a seat, Bells," he offers with a gesture of his hand towards the chairs by his desk. He walks around the desk to his chair and sits, looking over at me as he waits for me to join him.
"I'm okay standing," I say, lifting my gaze from the chair to him. He nods and I can see the unsurety in his eyes. He doesn't know what path this conversation is going to take and, to be honest, neither do I. You would think I would have at least thought about how I want this conversation to start, let along go, but here I am, trying to figure out what to say.
"My intention was never to hurt you, Bells," Dad says once he's grown tired of waiting for me to start.
"No," I say, my voice—now that I've found it—is as hard as my stare. "That's bullshit. You knew exactly what you were doing when you placed him into my life. Sure, you didn't know the extent of what was going to happen between us but you knew that by making him become my friend I would get attached and end up hurt."
"I told him to back off the second he thought you were becoming too attached—before you started dating," he frowns. "I just needed to know you were safe, Bella."
"By hiring a glorified babysitter?" I ask, my voice raising. "Because that's what he was. And yeah, he's at fault here, too, but only one of you wanted to tell me the truth from the very beginning. The fact that someone I had just met knew that I was going to be hurt by this and shouldn't have been lied to before my own father recognized that is what hurts me." Crossing my arms, I lean back against the wall of his office, letting it provide some strength for me.
"I needed to make sure you were protected with James out of jail, Bella. And with good reason. Look at what's happened since him being out," he says pointedly as he leans his forearms onto his desk. "Imagine what would have happened if Edward wasn't around," he starts but I cut him off.
"He wasn't around when two of these things happened," I point out quickly. "The phone call? I was alone at school. And who did I call? You. Yeah, he was around when James followed us driving but that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been out with him. And when James broke into my house? I called you too. He didn't prevent anything from happening, Dad."
Dad looks at me and I can tell he's trying to think of some other way to defend himself in this situation. His stare watches me, calculating how I'm going to dispute his defense again.
"There's nothing you can say that is going to make me agree with your thoughts behind this. You brought him into my life and gave him incredibly personal information and pictures. You made him lie to me daily, knowing I would be hurt by it. All of the hurt I'm feeling isn't your fault, but you're the reason all of it was able to happen. I know you thought you had good intentions but," I stop, not really knowing how I want to say this. With a shake of my head, I say, "I think I need some space for a bit. I'm going to be coming to dinner on Wednesdays, but that's for Mom. Aside from those dinners, I need you to give me some space until I'm ready to be close to you again." Biting the inside of my cheek, I wait for his response.
"I understand," he says softly, his voice a little rough. Nodding, I push away from the wall and open the office door, not even glancing back as I walk out. I make a point not to look at Edward before walking back towards the lobby. Moving quickly, while still trying to appear casual, I make my way through the lobby and, finally, out the front doors.
I speed up a bit across the parking lot as I make my way to Rose's car.
"How'd it go?" she asks, almost warily.
"He just kept saying that he wanted to protect me," I frown. "He went the completely wrong way about it."
Rose is silent for a moment, consumed in her own thoughts. I know she's battling between bringing out her counseling background and keeping it to just friendly advice. I'm sure she'll find a balance there somewhere but it typically takes her a moment to decide what to say.
"He did, all of us agree with you on that. Do you see where he's coming from, though?" she asks hesitantly.
"He's coming from an overprotective father standpoint."
"I mean, yeah, that's kind of it, but Bella, think of it this way—and I'm not saying you need to forgive him for what he did right now or stop being upset with him. I'm just saying, think of how he's feeling this way," she clarifies before continuing. "You were in an abusive relationship for nearly two years without us knowing. And then after it ended and the truth came out, Dad probably felt like a rug was swept out from under him. He thought you were happy and healthy and was completely in the dark about what was really going on. This was his way of ensuring that wouldn't happen again."
"And yet it did," I grumble. "Sure, he didn't hit me, but he still hurt me. And this time it was at Dad's request."
"He didn't request Edward to—"
"Yes, he did, Rose!" I argue. "He hired Edward to become my friend. Yeah, if we had stayed friends, I wouldn't have been hurt this bad but I still would have been hurt!"
"Hey, don't yell at me. I'm not arguing with you, I'm just trying to talk through this with you."
"I've already talked through it with my actual therapist," I huff, crossing my arms as she pulls into the driveway. The silence that hangs between us is tense and I'm immediately regretful of how I spoke to her. Sighing as we both get out of the car, I walk over to her and hug her tight.
"I'm sorry," I whisper as she wraps her arms around my neck. "I still have all this pent-up anger and it wasn't right for me to take it out on you."
"You have every right to be angry, Bella. I'm just trying to make sure you're not ignoring the details to this whole situation. There's more than one side to this. Hell, there's three sides to this situation. And yours is the one that I'm supporting; always. I'm just making sure you're not ignoring the other sides."
"I know," I sigh again as I pull away. With Rose taking the lead, we make our way inside her house where I plan to sleep away my conversation with Dad.
The next week passes in a dull blur. Jasper and I are able to go back to our house over the weekend. Dad made sure to call Jasper and let him know and lets Jasper relay the information to me. Although, Jasper hasn't spent much time at the house. He and Alice smoothed things over and he's been spending quite a bit of time with her. Plus, as I overheard in a conversation he had with Emmett, it's easier for him to just go to Alice's to watch a basketball game with Edward.
Again, I'm not upset that my brothers are still hanging out with Edward. it's their choice to and I'm not going to stop them. It's just weird because I used to be part of this bubble of people and now, I'm an outsider looking in. It's strange but it's something I'm starting to get used to; a new reality, if you will.
The week drove on uneventfully. I've begun to stock the teacher lunch room up with baked goods ranging from cookies to muffins to brownies and every combination in between. If I'm not at school, I'm either at home baking or at the store buying the ingredients I need to bake. Rose has tried to convince me to slow down on the baking for a few days now but it's the only thing I can do that actually keeps my mind off Edward.
After hearing about my conversation with my dad, Dr. Greene suggests that I open up a conversation with Edward. It's something that I've thought about even before that session but now it's something that I absolutely can't get out of my head. I know talking to Edward will help the pent-up anger and hurt that I have but I can't bring myself to go over to his house or even call him. Seeing him in his police uniform last week was the last nail in the coffin that was Dr. Edward Cullen and I'm not ready to recognize that Officer Edward Cullen truly exists yet.
It's Saturday again, the week before the last week of school and two weeks before Rose and Emmett's wedding. Now, I'm at a painting class that Mom all but dragged me to, telling me it will be an escape from my own head for a few hours. Her words, not mine.
Glancing over at her canvas, I see something that's completely different than mine. We're following instructions to paint along with the instructor and, apparently, one of us isn't following the directions as well as the other. I'm not going to be surprised if it's me. Not only am I not a great painter, but I'm not a great listener at this point in time either. I've begun to zone out when people are talking to me or when I'm listening to someone speak. Quite frankly, I'm not even one hundred percent sure what I'm supposed to be painting right now. Yeah, I'm definitely the one that's not following the directions.
Mom glances over at my canvas and gives me an encouraging smile.
"Isn't this fun?" she muses as she turns back to her canvas. She dabs her paint brush into some yellow paint and I watch as she delicately dots it into the center of the flower she's painted.
"Yeah," I nod, giving her a small smile before cringing at how bored my voice sounds. Trying to redeem myself, I add on, "Thanks for inviting me, Mom. I needed this."
"You're welcome to come anytime you want," she smiles back at me. "I figured it was time to give your oven a break," she adds on with a nudge of her shoulder. I let out a small laugh.
"Yeah, I guess it is," I shrug. "I'm running out of baking ideas anyways and everything on Pinterest seems really ambitious."
"Thank you for coming to dinner this week," she says, almost shyly, without taking her eyes off her canvas.
"I told Dad I was still going to come to the dinners, Mom," I respond, my voice sounding small. "I know they mean a lot to you."
"It's just nice having all of my children under one roof for at least a few hours a week." I nod, having heard this line from her several times before. "I won't go into it anymore than that. I know you're probably tired of talking about it. I just wanted you to know, I'm really thankful to still have you coming for our dinners."
I reach over and squeeze the hand that isn't holding the paintbrush, which isn't something I normally do. Maybe it's from the amount of time I spent around both Edward and Alice, but I've never been one for hand squeezing before. Mom squeezes my hand back and smiles over at me. I give her a thankful smile, happy that she isn't going to subject me to telling her about how I feel and what happened.
She gives my canvas another glance.
"You're definitely a better baker than you are a painter," she teases and I laugh.
"I don't even know where I went wrong," I giggle. "But you better believe I'm hanging this up in Jasper's living room."
"Let me know how he reacts," she laughs. We silently follow the directions from the instructor for a few moments before Mom speaks again.
"You know, when your father and I first started dating, we got into a huge fight," she muses and I glance over at her, knowing where she's going with this. She has this knack for not talking about a topic but still inadvertently talking about it. I've been witness and subject to it several times throughout my life. It's her way of helping us through hard times without making us talk about what we're struggling with. Clearly, she's about to try to do that with this situation.
"Is that so," I hum, choosing to appease her.
"It's true. He had just gotten out of the academy and was starting his career and I was looking for someone to settle down with. We had been dating for about two months at that point and I mentioned offhandedly that I wanted children."
"After two months?" I grimace.
"This was a different time, Bella," she reminds me.
"Okay, so you told Dad really early in your relationship that you wanted kids, like a normal person thirty-five years ago," I say, my tone urging her to continue to her point.
"We got into this huge fight because he had just started his career and he wanted to focus on that. I told him I wasn't asking for kids now, it was too early," she says, giving me a pointed look. I giggle as she continues. "He told me he wasn't sure he even wanted children and that we wanted two different things out of life. It didn't matter how much we had already loved each other; we didn't want what the other wanted. So, we broke up." She stops speaking as she continues to paint her canvas. I know I missed a direction somewhere so I don't bother painting as I wait for her to continue.
"He started dating this girl in town, Cheryl, about a week after we broke up. Really broke my heart, you know?" she asks rhetorically as she glances over at me. I nod, not quite understanding how she's going to link this to my situation. "I ended up running into him a few weeks later at the diner, dressed in his uniform. He looked so handsome in that uniform; still does." She stares at her canvas with a starry look in her eyes and I can't help but cringe a bit. No matter what age I am, I'm always going to be uncomfortable hearing my parents talk affectionately about each other.
"Mom," I call after she hadn't spoken for a few moments. She shakes her head slightly, as if I startled her out of her reverie.
"Right," she giggles as she begins painting again. "I was so mad at him for going with Cheryl so soon after we split up and I told him so. I never was one to keep my thoughts to myself around him. If I was mad at him, he was going to have to know it whether he wanted to or not. Anyway, we talked and he told me that he and Cheryl didn't work out. We spent a long time in that diner, just talking. After that, while we weren't the same for a bit of time, we managed to find our way back to how we were and, as it turns out, he changed his mind about having children."
"Clearly," I smirk at her.
"I sometimes think about what would have happened if I didn't go up and talk to him at the diner. I wonder if we would have ended up where we are anyway or if we would have just gone our separate ways."
"Is this you telling me I should talk to Edward?" I ask, my smirk fading.
"I'm not telling you to do anything. I was just telling you about your father and me," she says, giving me a knowing glance. Looking back at my canvas, I sigh before trying to salvage the mess I've made on it.
The next day, I decide it's finally time to give into the thoughts of going to talk to Edward. I'm glad Jasper isn't home when I decide to do this because I walk out to my truck and then back inside three times before finally committing to it. Inside the house I tell myself I have to do this in order to even begin to think of moving on but once I get to the truck, my anxiety tells me this is a shitty idea and that I can move on without answers to the questions that have been popping up in my mind.
After the third time coming back out to the truck, I finally push my anxieties aside the best I can and drive before I can change my mind again. The drive to his house is short but seems to take an eternity at the same time. My heart hammers in my chest, creating a pulsing sound in my ears. I start to wonder if it'll start to beat fast enough and come to the point of heart failure so I don't have to face him, but that's just wishful thinking on my anxiety's behalf, I guess.
I make it to his house without my heart failing and pull into his driveway before shifting the gear into park. My internal battle I faced back at the house is back. I can easily just put the truck in reverse and head back home without him knowing. I don't actually have to have this conversation. I can move on without going through with this.
Before I can decide to leave the driveway, I look up to see him standing on his porch, staring my way with confusion filling his expression. Of course he knows I'm here; my truck isn't necessarily quiet after all. Sighing, I kill the engine and count to three before getting out of the truck. His eyes follow me as I make my way up to his porch, stopping at the bottom of the stairs.
"Hey," he says, his voice soft.
"Hi," I say back, my gaze meeting his for a brief moment before I turn my head to look at anything else. I settle for the wraparound porch.
"You know, you're kind of like Nick from The Notebook," I muse as Edward follows me around the porch.
"I think you mean Noah," he corrects with a chuckle. I stop and cock my head before turning to face him.
"The fact that you know that," I laugh.
"Alice used to make me watch it with her," he defends himself. "And he's not as romantic as women make him out to be."
"Sounds like you're a little jealous of Noah," I tease as I continue my walk around the porch. He's been humoring me for the past ten minutes or so as I rave about his wraparound porch. This is about the fourth time I've walked around it; I just can't get enough of it. Not enough houses have wraparound porches, which is something I voiced to him on the first lap around the house.
"Jealous?" he laughs. "Nah, I'm just saying, he's kind of manipulative. And then their relationship was shit." I grin, not looking back at him, as I try to remember the movie as well as he clearly does.
"We may have to watch that tonight," I laugh and he groans.
"If you really want to, I guess," he grumbles, although I can hear the smile in his tone. "I wouldn't stop you if you wanted to watch something else, though."
"How many times have you seen it to make you loathe it so much?" I ask as we make the final turn back to the front of the house. I pull myself up onto the wooden fence around the porch, effectively ending my laps.
"Isn't once enough?" he chuckles and I roll my eyes. "I lost track at three. She's always been incredibly persuasive, if you haven't noticed." He gently pushes my legs apart to stand between them, his hands resting on the railing on either side of me.
"Oh, trust me, I have," I giggle as I wrap my arms around his neck. The crisp, late spring evening breeze blows around us and I can't tell if the goosebumps that rise along my arms is from that or the way he skims his nose along the base of my neck.
"What're you doing here?" he asks at the same time I say, "We need to talk." I look back over at him, blushing a bit at his question. The way he says it isn't harsh or anything, but it just reminds me that I'm no longer a usual guest here.
"Sorry," he mutters sheepishly. "That was rude."
"No, it wasn't," I shrug. "I just…I need to talk to you."
"You want to come inside?" he asks as he motions towards the door.
"I think it's better that we do this out here." He looks at me for a moment before nodding and motioning for me to come up the steps. I hesitate a second before obliging and leaning against the railing.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Emmett said you were about to quit your job." I can tell this isn't where he expected this conversation to start and it takes him a moment to gather his thoughts before speaking.
"Yeah, I gave your dad an ultimatum while you were dress shopping with Rose and Alice," he explains, running a nervous hand through his hair. "I had lied to you for far too long at that point."
"Why did you let this carry on in the first place?" I wonder. "I mean, you could have broken up with me at any point and, yeah I would have been hurt, but it would have been better than this."
"Would it, though? The truth would have come out at some point, wouldn't it? How is that any different than what actually happened?"
"Because if you would have broken up with me a week prior, I wouldn't have told you I loved you." My tone is stronger than I anticipate and it catches both of us off guard. I look down at the floor, biting my lip as my eyebrows become knitted.
"Bella, I've gone over every scenario in my head and I can't find one where you don't end up just as hurt as you are now."
"What about the scenario where you don't date me? Have you thought about that? Because that would have been great."
"I'm sorry," he says, sounding defeated. "I am so fucking sorry and I know that doesn't mean shit but I am. I was an idiot and getting that close to you was cruel to you." I nod, not knowing what to say to that and we stand in silence for a few moments. For the first time since meeting Edward, we're caught in a silence that's uncomfortable and borders on unbearable. Trying to figure out how to end the silence, I ask something I told myself I wasn't going to.
"What makes me different from everyone else?"
"What?" he asks, confused.
"I want to know why I'm different from all of the other women."
"What other women?"
Sighing, a bit frustrated, I huff out my answer. "The women that stare at you in the store. The cashier at the grocery store, the waitress at the diner. Them. The other women."
"Why are you so caught up on them?" he asks, but it's not defensive or accusatory. He's genuinely curious.
"Because I don't know what you see in me that you don't see in them. A lot of them were beautiful. And," I start but he jumps in, saying, "You're beautiful." Blushing a bit, I ignore his comment before continuing. "I just can't help but wonder if we hadn't met the way we did and I stared at you in the store, would you still have given me the time of day?"
"But we didn't meet in the store," he frowns, avoiding my question.
"But if we did. I'm no different than them, Edward."
"Yes, you are," he insists.
"I'm not, though. You can't honestly stand here and tell me that I am."
"I can and I'm going to. You are different from them."
"How?" I ask, exasperated.
"Because you wouldn't stare. That's not you."
"But I do stare at you. I've stared at you practically every day since we've met," I argue.
"Bella, we've passed a ton of guys in stores and at the diner and you didn't stare once."
"Because why would I stare at them when I was with you? And that's not my point," I frown.
"I'm having trouble figuring out what your point is," he says gently.
"What if we weren't supposed to meet? What if I was just supposed to be another one of those women that you pass in the store and don't pay any attention to? Because how can you not pay attention to those women but pay attention to me? I just—"
"I can't tell you that we would for sure have met through passing in a store because I have no clue. I couldn't possibly know we would meet. All I can say is I hope we still would have. I'm not quite sure why you're hung up on this because I've shown you time and time again that you're the only woman that I want attention from. You're amazing, Bella. Truly amazing and beautiful inside and out. You have compassion and empathy and I never know what's going to happen when I'm with you. It's exciting." I'm about to interject but he doesn't let me and continues to speak. "I'm sorry that we met the way we did. And I'm sorry that it took me way too long to tell you the truth. But I'm not sorry about meeting you and falling in love with you. I have no clue if we would have met in a store somewhere or walking down the street but I don't want to think about the 'what if' scenarios because, even though this is how we turned out, my life is better from having you in it."
I breathe in shakily, actively avoiding his eye contact as I wipe my tearful eyes. There was so much he just said and I can actually feel myself letting my walls down, which isn't what I wanted in my trip here.
"Are you sure you're not missing from a movie set somewhere?" I ask before clearing my throat, deflecting the seriousness of his words. "That had to have been written by someone." I chance a glance his direction to find him frowning at me, clearly not amused. "Sorry," I whisper. We're silent for another few moments before I find the strength to speak again.
"I guess I'm a tad insecure," I mumble. "It really didn't bother me when we were together. I thought it was amusing. But knowing what I know now about how we met, it just made me wonder and then it kept spiraling until I convinced myself that we weren't supposed to actually meet."
"If we weren't supposed to meet, we wouldn't have met," he points out, his voice still calm and gentle. I look up at him and I'm sure my face shows how worn I am. I can't even remember what else I came here to ask and talk about.
"Is this why you came over? To talk about how we weren't supposed to meet?"
"Yes," I nod. "No," I quickly correct with a shake of my head. "I wasn't going to bring that up but I clearly have no filter around you," I frown.
"I've noticed," he smirks. I look up at him and for a moment all I can do is stare at him. It's then that I notice his face seems worn, too; tired. The laugh lines I've gotten so used to seeing are no longer as prevalent and his vibrant eyes seem to have dulled a bit. I've known he's been hurt by this, too. I mean, how could he not have been? It's just now that I'm realizing how hurt he is. For some reason, it's comforting knowing I'm not hurting alone, but it also makes me feel a twisting inside me, almost like I'm going to be sick.
"I truly am sorry, Bella," Edward says after our pause, sincerity dripping off every word.
"I know," I nod. "And I wish I could say that makes everything better but," I trail off, shaking my head.
"I get it. Honestly, I do." He offers a sad smile, which doesn't help the twisting I'm feeling.
"I just can't trust you," I whisper.
"If you get to a point where you think we can become friends again, I'll work every day to earn that trust back." I nod, not sure if that day will come or not.
"I should go," I say, hesitating a beat before making my way down the porch steps again. As I get to my truck, I turn to see him still watching me. I offer a small wave before getting into my truck and driving off.
Well, this was a long time in the making, wasn't it? I am so sorry about the wait! Between life and computer issues, I've been slacking for sure. But here it is. There's only a few more chapters left. Four or five at the most (I think).
I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! Make sure to let me know what you thought by leaving a review!
Until next time,
Twilight What?
