Bad Memories Ch. 05
"Spence, please just let us in. We need to apologize to you," JJ started. Reid rolled his eyes in annoyance - of course Emily told JJ everything. Reid kept his voice low, not wanting to wake his neighbors,
"No you don't, we have nothing to talk about. Can we please just drop it?" Emily and JJ wouldn't allow that to happen. They felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and ignorance. Emily countered,
"We are not leaving here until we talk about this." Reid conceded and allowed the two women into his apartment. They didn't sit, instead opting to stand with some distance between them. Reid had his arms crossed in front of his chest, feeling on edge and defensive. Emily began again, "Spencer, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for dragging you out tonight. I had no idea I'd be putting you in that position and it was wrong of me to abuse Garcia's talents to track you down after the fact. Believe me when I say it came from a place of love. We care about you and I just needed to make sure you were okay." Reid didn't respond right away. His face was neutral as he contemplated her words. After what felt like an eternity for his colleagues, he spoke,
"I understand. I'm not upset with you. I probably would've done the same had the roles been reversed. I am okay," he was calm, oddly so, but the girls could tell there was a storm raging behind his eyes. He'd hoped that by coming off not so deflective and more understanding would get them to go away. JJ and Emily exchanged a quick glance. JJ needed to get some closure, not so much for Spencer's sake, but rather to quell her own guilt gnawing at her,
"I know you don't think we need to apologize but…" She paused, saddened by the sight of Reid with his head looking towards the ground, arms crossed tightly, clearly very uncomfortable. Maybe talking it out isn't actually the best route, "it's our fault that you did what you did back then and -" Reid's head snapped up and he cut her off,
"No it wasn't. It wasn't your fault. I have no one to blame but myself and I have to live with that. I had options and I chose the worst possible one. Please, I don't want either of you to carry the weight of that decision. I should be the one apologizing to you for acting the way I did when you came back to the team," he said looking at Emily. "You understand now what I was dealing with at the time but that's not an excuse. I shouldn't have acted the way I did or said the things I said and I'm sorry," he said this time looking at JJ. The blonde's voice came out as a squeak,
"You certainly don't need to apologize to us, Spence. We kind of deserved it." A quietness hung in the air between the three agents. Reid finally broke the silence,
"If it's okay with you guys, I'd prefer if this conversation ended here. The whole thing is pretty embarrassing and if we could just keep it between us I'd really appreciate it." Emily and JJ were quick to respond a low "yes, of course" before making their way towards the front door.
The two women ushered themselves out with a somber "see you on Monday". It was late and it should have been easy to fall asleep; they could not. Unfortunately for Spencer, he found himself unable to stop the memories best forgotten play on repeat in his head. The damage had been done and he laid awake in a cold sweat just praying to whatever deity would make them go away. They were fuzzy and he couldn't remember all the details very clearly - which was odd but relieving. He'd always been able to recount anything with perfect accuracy, and the fact that this was hazy - though the reasons made him cringe - made him grateful, as well.
Emily tried to exhaust herself with mind-numbing television, hoping the drone of whatever the E! Network could offer would render her unconscious. It did not. She couldn't help but think about while she was going about her new day-to-day in Paris for seven months, her friend had been going through a deep depressive episode resulting in what she could only assume was a violent relapse. It made her sick to her stomach to even imagine it.
JJ sat in her kitchen, wanting to be alone instead of being with her husband. She, too, couldn't help but think back to those seven months. I just thought he was grieving, and I thought he had gotten better. Once he had stopped coming by the house so much, she had figured he'd been feeling better and needed less consolation. It pained her to know she couldn't have been more wrong. She thought again of the case in Oklahoma - specifically their conversation in the police station,
"What if I had started taking dilaudid again, would you have let me?" Reid spat out angrily,
"You didn't," she said, more as a reassurance than a retort,
"Yeah, but I thought about it." She remembered it like it was yesterday. It was their first and only fight. It was the first time he had ever called her "Jennifer". She now remembers the subtleties of his behavior that she mistook for feeling betrayed. She remembered how he twitched and bobbed his knee up and down while waiting to testify before the council. She remembered how he'd leave work early and decline invitations to going out after cases. She remembered how he was crossing his arms more than usual - with a firm grip on the inside bend of his elbow. He wouldn't wear sleeves that exposed his arms above the elbow, despite traveling to warm climates. All the puzzle pieces were there and she had the audacity to be annoyed that he was acting out after Emily had returned from the dead. She felt stupid now, knowing what he was really dealing with.
