Bad Memories Ch. 06

Reid, unable to sleep, couldn't help but flashback to other events that had transpired in 2011 - specifically when Emily's death was revealed to be a ruse and conversations had thereabout with his former unit chief

*** flashback ***

The team had just finished up the Doyle case. Hotch and JJ revealed Emily had been alive the whole time, they worked the case, saved Declan, took down the McDermotts, and were back at the BAU debriefing from the whole ordeal. Of course, everyone was thrilled to have their once thought fallen friend back in their presence, but one agent was staying on the outside of their big happy circle and kept quiet. Reid hadn't had the time to process everything until now. Hotch had been keeping an eye on Spencer and the far off look he was seeing indicated an internal battle was once again raging in the young man.

The BAU team had been informed that there would be an investigation on how this case was handled and in the meantime, they were all under suspension. While this only mildly dampened the mood for everyone else, Reid let that be the scapegoat for not participating in yet another team outing. He hurried out of the building, grabbing his bag and coat from his chair on his way to the elevator. Hotch's gaze followed him, watching for every slight micro-expression, wondering whether he should interpret this as his agent just needing some space or if it was more serious than that. Hotch also skipped out on the team outing, knowing he had some debriefing to do with Section Chief Strauss, but then he resolved he had to visit Reid and make sure everything was okay.

Reid mind was racing. It wouldn't slow down on it's own. He had meant to walk straight home but his distracted mind led him beyond the apartment building on Hoover street, and instead he headed to that unfortunately familiar district he'd sworn only a few months prior to stay away from. He surveyed the crowd, knowing exactly who he was searching for, but didn't see her. He ambled up to the bar and waited for the bartender to get a free moment - allowing him to work up the courage to ask,

"I-uh, is Amber here?" the bartender didn't answer right away, taking in the young man's appearance. He looked tired, exhausted even. Like he had been through a lot. He asked no questions but simply answered,

"No, not tonight," Reid mumbled a quick "thanks" before turning to nudge his way back through the droves of people, some looking like him - defeated - and others looking carefree. He made it to the door and all but burst out into the breezy evening street, palms wiping fine beads of perspiration form his brow. He didn't know what his next move would be so he just kept walking - hoping the fresh air would calm his mind. He thought about how ironic it was - that he had relapsed because he'd lost a friend, and when he learns he's got her back, he's on the doorstep of returning to bad habits anyway. His descent seems inevitable. Breaking his concentration - if you can call it that - he heard his name. A call sounding from behind him, he recognizes the voice and curses under his breath knowing he can't avoid this confrontation, though he tries to,

"Leave me alone," Aaron Hotchner had left this meeting with Strauss and eagerly made his way to his youngest agent's apartment, unanswered texts not boding well for whether or not he'd actually find him there. After a few minutes of pounding on his front door he had two ideas of where to look next for Spencer Reid. He had placed all hope in finding Reid at the nearby church that hosted NA meetings where Reid found himself in times of struggle. Hotch had accompanied him to this destination on a few occasions. The other thought, he did not want to consider, but upon running into a dead end at the church, he knew he had to go to the Red Room and hopefully intercept his agent before he could do anything self-destructive. Unfortunately, he spotted Reid where he thought he might and pursued him as he fled the bar,

"Reid!" He shouted, Reid did not acknowledge at first. Hotch was right behind him before he heard him mumble, "leave me alone". That, of course, was not an option.

"Reid, I know you're upset, I know you feel betrayed, but you can't let that cloud your judgement and undo all of the hard work you've put into your sobriety these past few months." Reid scoffed, before dismissing his boss's pleas,

"I don't want to talk to you right now," Hotch had figured as much, this would take time to fix. He made one last attempt,

"Okay, just hand over whatever you bought in there and I'll leave you alone," Reid turned around to face the man who had been following him,

"I didn't buy anything," acting like that was his choice and not a result of his supplier not being available at that particular moment. Hotch analyzed his colleague, Spencer could tell the older man was not convinced, he let out a dark laugh at this,

"You know, if either of us should have any difficulty believing what the other is saying it should be me about you," Hotch failed to respond, instead allowing a pause for Reid to continue, which he did, gesturing with clenched, deliberate movements as he spoke,

"For months, you let me think she was dead. You let me and the rest of the team think that we weren't fast enough save her and thus we were in part responsible for her death. You could've taken away all that pain we were feeling and you didn't," His breath - visible in the cold evening air - was heavy. Hotch countered,

"Reid, we made the decision to keep Emily's condition confidential to protect her and this team. If Doyle had known she was still alive, he would have gone after her or another member of this unit again…" Reid scoffed at his diplomatic excuse, "... it was for your own protection." At that, Reid's head shot up and he glared narrowly at the man in front of him,

"My protection?" Hotch knew where he was going. Sure, he might have prevented an external attack, but the internal one that took place instead may have done even more damage, "you saw what I was doing to myself, Hotch. How the hell did you protect me? I gave up almost 4 years of sobriety over this. And while I was detoxing you kept telling me stuff like 'Emily wouldn't want this for you' and 'remember how you treated her after Hankel' like some kind of guilt trip! You knew she was alive and you twisted her memory to 'help' me get clean - well excuse me if I say I don't want any more of your you goddamn help," Reid drifted away from Hotch and they stood across from each other in silence for a while. Hotch couldn't argue with him. He understood and agreed with everything Reid was feeling, and yet he was also resolute that the decision made to keep Emily Prentiss's condition a secret from his team was the correct one. Reid sensed his boss was backing down and he closed out the interaction,

"Since I'm demanding honesty from you, I guess I owe you the same," he started, "I had every intention of giving up 2 months tonight, but…" shame returned and his face flushed red as he couldn't manage to hold eye contact, "... I'm gonna go home and I'm going to call my sponsor, so you don't need to worry about me." He finally forced his head back up to look at his boss, sending a nonverbal signal that he was earnest. Hotch believed him, nodded, and said "okay". They separated, walking independently back to their respective dwellings. Spencer was true to his word and spoke to his sponsor for about 3 hours. Though he said he didn't want any more of Hotch's help, he had managed to save him from himself again that night.

*** flashforward ***

Reid thought of Hotch often. After Gideon had left the team, Hotch fell right in place as a surrogate father to him and though that was never communicated, he looked up to the man and greatly appreciated everything he had done for him over the years. When Hotch was forced to leave the team at the hands of Peter Lewis, it hurt, but he understood that he had to do it for Jack. That being said, when Peter Lewis was confirmed dead, Hotch still did not return to the team. Spencer had just gotten out of prison, he had just faced off with Cat Adams a second time, and his mom's life was just put into jeopardy. Stress ran high and he would have loved to have Hotch back as a grounding force for the subsequent weeks that he spent processing his experiences, attending therapy, and regular NA meetings again. He didn't understand why, after the threat was gone, Hotch wouldn't want to return to the unit. He couldn't help but think - as he always did when someone exited his life - if he was to blame. What if he had expressed his gratefulness more, what if he hadn't been such a burden, what if he had been a better agent and figured out Peter Lewis's plan before Hotch went into Witness Protection? The what-ifs kept him up that night as they did many other nights.

A faint buzzing brought him out of his thought process and back into reality. He looked at his phone and noted the time first, 4:57am. He noted the message from Penelope second.

Consider this the bat signal - the people of Chillicothe, OH need our assistance and serial killers simply do not respect our scheduled days off. Bring a go-bag and meet at the round table ASAP

He smiled at her phraseology. She always had a knack of making this line of work not seem so dismal. So much for a relaxing weekend. He packed a few new changes of clothes into his bag and headed out the door.