Jasper's PoV
I was just tucking in the last of the chickens when I felt it, Bella switched her emotions on and the only way I could describe it, was it felt like she was riding a high. I knew that feeling from personal experience and I knew for a fact that she wasn't high which meant she was cutting. I was frozen to the spot for a few seconds. Did I stop her or did I let her do it, she had every right to take her life, it was hers and she was nearly an adult but why did she want to, because of a few bruises or was there something more to it that I wasn't seeing. The only change was her nightmare, it had been more intense and she seemed off afterwards, more so than normal. There was also the fact that she finally saw him, he came, hurt her then left again. I decided despite the fact that I was a blood sucking vampire that probably should feed first before going into the bathroom, to take the risk and knock on the door.
"Bells, can I come in please?" I asked before opening the door after a beat. I was immediately hit by the smell of her blood and as tempting as it was, something was holding me back. She was in her own bliss, eyes closed, head back and enjoying the feeling of accomplishing something. I had been there before just at a much more toxic level. I enjoyed over feeding on humans at one point in my life just to see how big of a pile I could make till I couldn't drink any more. There would be piles and piles of them and I would just keep going, anything to feel something other than utter pain and misery. All I had to do was channel the emotions of my victims into joy while I was feeding off of them and bam, no emotional distraught over taking a life. I had become addicted to the high of drinking human blood, the release, it was a mirror to what she was feeling right now. I had done monstrous things before hand to them, played mind games, let them run thinking they could escape just to hunt them down, removed pieces by piece for fun. I even scared Maria sometimes when I had a sadistic thirst for fun. Of course innocent Alice had no idea, I never felt that I could really tell her about my past so I gave her the happy bunny version and she accepted that.
I sat down next to Bella contemplating what to say, we were both messed up in different ways. I knew she didn't want to die or be turned yet. She was too sad, her emotions were a swirl of endorphins, joy, happy with the constant throbbing of sadness, insecurity. There was also the fact that despite her trying, she hadn't cut very deep. Something in her had stopped her, sure there were many cuts but they were nothing compared to what she could have done. As someone who had taken a razor to a persons arm before, I knew you could cut deep enough that the blood squirts into your mouth like a fountain of blood. I decided I needed to stop reminiscing on my past or I would be risking making a mistake.
"Bells, what's bothering you, what happened in your nightmare" I asked as I gently took the razor out of her hands.
"He said I would never be loved again so what's the point" she mumbled, finally opening her eyes.
Wait, why would she say that? She didn't love Edward, that much I knew but why say that if you weren't wanting love? Suddenly a light bulb went off in my head and I remembered Peter's and Rose's words.
"Ah so that's how you got roped into keeping her head cool, you don't look terribly uncomfortable though if you don't mind me saying so" said Peter.
You look peaceful together" Rose whispered.
Was she my mate? The night of her birthday, I knew I was running towards her to protect her, there wasn't a single trace of wanting to murder her. Alice had felt pain and loss that night, I had assumed it was because I was about to kill her friend and she knew she couldn't stop me. Had it been that she knew my future was set in stone, that I was always going to run to protect Bella and failure for not keeping me from her, my true mate. How long had she known? Was this why she was so distant? She was mad that I wasn't her mate yet refused to let me go.
Edward had felt failure, I assumed it was failure of protecting Bella but had it been failure to keep me from her, did he know? He could read minds and therefore see what Alice saw which means the whole time they had been scheming, they were trying to figure out how to keep me away from Bella. I recalled the family meeting we had when we were deciding where to live next and remembered that they never wanted to come to Forks. That was at least three years ago which matched the time when Alice started acting strange. For three years, they both knew who my mate was. Edward knew and even then he wanted to try steal her, he was addicted to her singer blood and the fact that he couldn't hear her talk. My instincts just went into overdrive suddenly listening to every sound in the area down to the small insects crawling into the soil but I found nothing except the heart beats of the animals nearby.
I recalled what Peter and Char had told me about their mating bond, compared it to Emmett and Rose. Both couples hated to be apart from each other, It hurt physically the further away they were like someone was wrenching your heart out. Peter recalled the absolute pain he felt when he realized I was about to kill his Char, his mate. He thought he was going to be torn to pieces from the amount of pain he felt at having to live in a world without her, he had wanted to end his life if he didn't save Char. They could never seriously harm each other, it was just impossible. Bella had bled in front of me several times and I should have drained her yet I had no desire instead I had helped clean her. I never felt that with any other human before, every time a grazed knee happened, I would have to leave school immediately.
In the four months Bella had felt so lost, so hollow, depressed and in such agony. Her subconscious had to have known somehow that their mate just left her. She didn't know I was there the whole time lurking in the shadows and because I was nearby I felt fine. But the week that I tried to stay with Char and Peter, I had felt off. Nothing I did could shake the pull, the feeling, the desperate need to get back to Forks. Numerous times I had caught myself rubbing my chest in pain as I had seen Char do whenever Peter and her were separated over long distances. I had hid it, then eventually ran fast back to Forks before they could start guessing. I never cared for humans before yet I wanted to watch Bella for four months from the shadows. If I was her mate and she just dreamed that she would never be loved again she would feel how Peter did at the idea of a world with out Char. She didn't know what was happening to her and was living in her emotions trying to find a release from their shackles.
Did she realize that she loved me? Or was she just in love with Edward assuming that the pain she felt was because Edward had left her, not me. That was why Edward and Alice made us move after the birthday party. They figured if I was about to realize that Bella was my mate, they would vote to move the family before I did so that we would all split up in different directions leaving me stalking Bella for four months just so that she would feel pain? Pain for what, being who she was, my mate? How could Alice be so vengeful on an innocent girl who did nothing wrong but accept our kind. How deep did this go?
If Bella thought the pain she felt was because of Edward leaving, then she didn't know who her mate was. Her mind was so fragile and I realized it was my fault, I shouldn't have watched her for so long. I should have knocked on her door the day I returned. Then we would have fallen into a friendship naturally that might have progressed over time into something else. I was suddenly surging with anger at our lost time and the pain that Alice and Edward had caused. How did I react, I wanted to kiss her, to mark her as I had seen Char and Peter do to each other. They always bit each other in the same spot and it was a love bite that told everyone they belonged to another. If I did any of that, she would probably freak out and then turn into a vampire which she wouldn't be ready for.
Could Bella really be my mate? Did I really get a third chance at love and happiness? I wasn't sure I deserved that, I didn't think I was worthy. It explained a lot but it didn't mean that Bella would like me back, after all I was just as messed up as she was. She felt like she would never be loved again. I couldn't just dive on in trying to show her love since she wasn't in a good head space. She still thought she loved Edward, she needed time to heal. I had realized all of that in a matter of seconds and Bella was waiting for my response.
"I think you will find love again Bella, your soul is too good to not find love somewhere in the world. If you don't, you can always hang out with me, Char and Peter for the next hundred or so years. Or become a vampire and roll with us for the next forever" I said as I held her hand gently against the porcelain floor.
I felt a tiny spark of hope in her emotions, a very small spark among the dark blues, blacks and greens of her emotions. It gave me hope that we might find a happy ending somewhere. I still wasn't convinced the universe would allow me to have a third chance.
"For real Jasper? Why would you offer that?" she asked suspiciously.
"You're not the worst person to hang out with" I said to try to keep it light. I wanted to hold her, take away her pain, her mistrust in the world, in all of us. I wasn't even mad at her any more for doing something as stupid as cutting any more knowing that she had no choice in her emotions. She was a puppet that Edward and Alice had been toying with to cause ultimate pain in hopes she would die. They probably only showed up the other day for this result in the hopes that clumsy Bella would accidentally cut too hard and therefore separate us forever, leaving me in Alice's clutches forever… Her fragile mind, had been stretched, toyed with and tortured by them for the past four months but I wasn't going to let it happen any more. Next time I laid eyes on them, they were going to be in a world of pain.
"I'm sorry" she suddenly said, standing up to wash her arm.
Bella's PoV
How was I so stupid, here I am, acting like an emotional wreck while some amazing vampire is offering to be my friend for eternity. How did I not see this, how was I in such a haze for the longest time and didn't see his kindness. I was annoyed at myself for being so selfish. I felt awful for trying to tempt Jasper into ending my pathetic life when all he was trying to do was offer to be a friend. I could do with a friend and yet I was pathetically pining over someone who clearly was an abusive asshole.
"Sorry" I said as I quickly stood up to start washing the blood off of my arm. I felt stupid and was surprised that I had let things get this far. Jasper passed me some paper towels to dry the water off and then offered to bandage them up with his eyebrows furrowed. He had to be reading my emotions of humiliation and determination to be better. I vowed to start opening my eyes and paying more attention. It felt like a chord had been cut within me, I no longer felt attached to Edward, I still felt hurt but for the first time in forever, I felt hope. So I held onto that with all of my strength and vowed to start putting myself back together. I remembered Jasper had wanted to know what was in my nightmare.
"You asked about my nightmare, he crushed my hand before pulling me into the forest, he said I was a boring human, that I would have scars forever, that we weren't compatible. Then he showed me an image of myself in the mirror, my entire body was burns, cuts, bruises and oozing from sores. That was when I woke up" I said as he worked on tying the bandage up.
"That's fucked up Bella. You know if you're a vampire, you will never have to have nightmares again. Are you scared of being left alone, abandoned?" he asked as he leaned back against the door frame having finished bandaging my arm up. His long curls were falling into his eyes leaving them in shadow.
"That does sound good. Yeah I guess I am, I spent hours searching in the cold damp forest for him, I tripped over my own feet multiple times, sprained an ankle and both wrists, had cuts and bruises all over but still I kept going till eventually I collapsed from exhaustion. I guess for the longest time, I had still been looking for him, hoping blindly that he would come back and love me again. I'm sorry for being a pathetic seventeen year old" I said sitting down on the bathtub.
"That's the thing, you're only seventeen Bella, give yourself a break, there aren't many seventeen year old's that could handle the concept of running with vampires. Your emotions are heightened like someone is shining a bright light into your eye. They are super sensitive and that's just part of your age, you should give yourself a break. I'm sorry that happened Bella, I didn't find out what he had done till nearly midnight which had to be well after you had been found. Like I said before Bells, I'll stay till you tell me to go or till you realize that I'm the reason you're in so much pain and start throwing things at me" he said before pulling me up from my sitting position for a hug. I didn't think I deserved one after acting like such a selfish child and putting him into potential pain but I hugged him back and my heart did a little skip as he wrapped me in his arms. One arm snug around my waist while the other snaked up my back tangling his hand into my hair.
"Bells stop feeling that way, It's not your fault" he whispered then tightened his grip sending sparks in my heart firing in all directions. I needed to control my emotions or he would start questioning what I was feeling.
His words confused me but I decided to table it now, to table everything till I could think about it without him monitoring my emotions.
"Alright I need to feed, I'm sorry, I shouldn't be too long though, will you be okay?"
"Yeah, I might go find a snack in the kitchen also," I said. He nodded and zoomed off after kissing my forehead softly. I made my way into the kitchen to find some chicken to fry up.
Jasper's PoV
She speaks, something must have changed. Maybe in my words, she realized she doesn't have to be afraid of being abandoned any more? It was like she had a realization of something but I couldn't quite guess what it was. Her emotions were back on and were resting at a normal neutral area, a little pain, but there was hope, curiosity, a small hint of wonder and determination was the strongest. I sped off and found a Cougar not far from the property and quickly made the kill before heading back. I found Bella standing in the kitchen, frying chicken in the fry pan and was stopped in my tracks.
She had been wearing yoga pants with my hoodie before but because of the heat she had pulled them off, obviously expecting me to be longer than what I was. So there she was, frying chicken which was a miracle in itself, I hadn't seen her cook in forever and dressed in nothing but my hoodie and what I hoped was underwear. She had braided her hair to the side and was concentrating on what she was cooking and not looking out the window where I happened to be staring like the creeper I was.
"Hey Bells, want help?" I asked as I opened the front door and headed inside.
"Nah, it's nearly done," she said. I made my way to the thermostat and turned the air conditioning up a little and closed the curtains against the rain. She continued cooking, and plated herself up then sat at the breakfast bar to eat.
"What do you miss the most out of food?" she asked, surprising me.
"First she speaks, comes out of her depression funk then she starts a conversation, you must be feeling delirious" I said as I tried to feel her temperature getting a smile out of her as she tried to lean away from my hand. I sat down next to her and thought about her question.
"I don't really remember food to be honest and it's hard to say when my natural diet is no longer human food. I think my favorite food that I enjoy you eating would be marshmallows. Strong emotions sometimes show up as colors to me and when you are eating a roasted marshmallow, your emotions express pleasure and show up in bright pinks, yellows and whites" I said while watching her eat.
"Huh" she said.
"Well don't stop talking now" I mumbled.
"Sorry, I'm sorry for been stupid before. I felt like I had been abandoned all over again after that nightmare, I wasn't really thinking straight and was spiraling into toxic emotions" she said.
"Like I said, your a seventeen year old Bells, cut your self some slack. What changed any ways? You're suddenly talking, your emotions are back on and aren't scary, your cooking, you braided your hair" I asked as I gently tugged her braid, getting a soft smile from her.
"I don't know. I just realized I guess how stupid I was been and decided enough was enough. I never wanted to be this person that would get so depressed over a boy. I'm sorry for putting you in harms way by cutting, that was reckless and stupid" she said.
"Hey again, you're only seventeen, it's okay, for some reason your blood just doesn't bother me the way it should. I'm proud of you for realizing that on your own. It's why I refrained from trying to calm your emotions or tell you what to do, you needed to go through it yourself so you would heal" I said as I fiddled with a spoon and thought about how much of a mess my own emotions were, I just hide them better.
She nodded her head so I dropped it. It was currently ten at night but Bella didn't feel tired at all. The rain had slowed down significantly, and the thunder had stopped.
"How do you feel about going for a horse ride? It's still raining but it's warm outside" I asked as I took her plate away and started washing it.
"Sure that sounds fun" she said.
"Alright well go find pants and a light jacket" I said.
She made her way upstairs to get changed and I went to saddle Daisy up. Bella found me in the stables dressed in sensible boots, leggings, my hoodie and a light jacket. I pulled gently at one of the drawstrings while admiring the hoodie on her, it definitely looked better on her even though she was drowning in it. I helped her up then climbed up behind her.
"So how fast did you want to go?" I whispered into her ear causing her to shiver despite how warm she felt.
"Let's go fast!" she said. I wrapped my arms around her and gave Daisy the go ahead. Daisy was a bit of an oddball, she liked riding at night after thunderstorms, she would often get impatient and mad if she couldn't go for a run if there had been a thunderstorm. She took off like a bullet surprising Bella and ran through the property, through the open gate and started making her way down the driveway. I let her have as much leash as she wanted, trusting her to pace herself and enjoyed the feel of Bella in my arms.
Daisy eventually slowed herself but kept up a decent trot.
"Wow" Bella breathed.
"I know right, horses love to ride at night time after the sun goes down, they are actually more active so we often take them out at night but after a thunderstorm, it's like Daisy has all this extra pent up energy from hearing strikes in the distance and needs to just bolt. Our other horses will need some time and attention before going out tonight so maybe when we get back, if you want I can teach you how to ride on your own?" I asked.
"Um, I have to sleep eventually, you know that right?" she said.
"I'll grab you a coffee then" I smirked. I knew she had to be rolling her eyes but I didn't hear any protesting.
We had rode for some time in silence before I turned Daisy around to head home showing Bella what I was doing and how I was steering Daisy. Once home, I zoomed off to make Bella a coffee then she sat down in the barn drinking it while I brushed Daisy down, gave her some oats and treats before letting her roam around in the paddock for the night.
"When do they sleep?" Bella asked.
"Horses often sleep in the dirt by choice for small bursts around two to five in the morning. I think it's a protection thing from predators. They keep moving mostly throughout the night, grazing here and there. Throughout the day they are less active, I think they know somehow that a predator is more likely to attack at night time" I said.
"Oh, that's interesting," she said.
"Alright I'm going to brush down and saddle up Rocket and Luna, you can ride Luna, she's pretty gentle and I'll take Rocket. He's a bit of a wild card so Luna would be better for you since she's pretty calm and good at listening while Rocket tends to try to do his own thing at times.
I went over the instructions of how to ride a horse, how to speed up or slow down then helped her onto Luna who started to kick nervously.
"Shh Luna, it's okay, Bells you need to relax more or you're going to freak out Luna" I said. Bella nodded, took a deep breath and relaxed completely. Luna nuzzled my hand and relaxed also. I quickly jumped up onto Rocket and immediately the stallion tried to take off. I held him back and waited for Bella to start us off.
"Told you he's a bit crazy, you go first and i'll match your speed" I said.
Bella started us off slowly much to the annoyance of Rocket who wanted to bolt off into the woods. I didn't want to take Bella there at night time but tomorrow it would be a nice walk when she could see. We stuck to the same route we had taken Daisy and Bella gradually let Luna go faster satisfying Rocket's desire to bolt. Luna was very patient with Bella and listened to all of her commands even when she changed her mind that she didn't want to go too fast yet.
"Thanks Jasper for taking me out, thanks for letting me make my own mistakes and decisions, thanks for being there" she said as we walked slowly back on our tired horses.
"Always," I said, nodding in her direction.
Once back I showed her how to brush Luna down and take everything off and feed them. Luna was hungry but was a very patient girl having picked up how new Bella was around horses. I swear animals could read our minds sometimes. Once done I let Bella shower first to get rid of the horse smell and once she came out wearing nothing but a towel, I went to have a shower so she could get dressed into something for bed. I got dressed into comfortable sweats and a gray long sleeve loose cotton shirt. Bella had fallen asleep by the time I came out in one of my other hoodies. I could see a pattern forming and decided to do some washing while she slept and check in with Peter.
I sat in the lounge once the washing was going and texted him.
'How's everything going?' - J
'Pretty good, the pup was mad but Emmett is distracting him with camp stuff. I don't know how long he will stay though, he is worried about Bella. When are you going to man up and kiss her Major' - P
'How is it everyone knows before me, I don't think she likes me like that, I don't think I really believe in love so I guess you tell me when I'm going to kiss her' - J
'If I did that, you would never do it' - P
I sighed and was tempted to throw my phone against the wall. I could see myself living with Bella sure, as friends, easy, but as a couple? We both were messed up although she was trying to get better now realizing that she could trust me to not leave. I still had demons haunting me, I still had two fucked up relationships under my belt and wasn't sure if I wanted to try a third time.
'You can't resist the bond so stop trying and if you break your phone, we are coming home. She is your true mate so man up' - R
I sighed again, closed my phone and left it on the couch to go for a much needed run to clear my head. I mostly did circles around the property, I didn't want to leave Bella in the middle of nowhere with no protection. There wasn't even a fire arm in the house, been vampires, any animal stupid enough to attack our horses were found before they could strike. I did like Bella, I liked being in her presence, and when I got to touch her or hold her, I felt alive like I hadn't in a long time. Her scent would remind me of home, of peace.
I found myself back in my room watching her sleep and trying to decide how I explained her waking up in my arms. I wanted to sneak into bed and hold her but I didn't really have a reason. She was snoring gently so I decided I would allow myself to climb under the covers and lay there to read off of my iPad. If she rolled over in her sleep well that wasn't my doing. Sure enough, after a few minutes, she rolled over and nestled her head on my stomach with her arm draped across my waist. I put my iPad down and laid my arm over her while stroking her hair with the other. Eventually I closed my eyes and rested relishing in the feeling of having her in my arms.
