Bella's PoV

I had started my day in such a calm way, a nice bath bubble bath then Rose did my hair and I managed to pull on underwear without tearing them. She also promised that we would go shopping soon but refused to tell me when. My morning was great till Jasper innocently wanted to have a shower and didn't realize I was nearby since he could no longer hear my heart beat. It was my fault really, I had zoomed into our room wanting to grab a book and smashed right into him coming out of our bathroom, shirtless, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist, still dripping wet from the shower. He had scared me would be an understatement as I shot out of there like a bat out of hell. I had just heard his mumbled words of wanting a shower before our date tonight before I had run out of hearing straight to the forest where I currently was destroying trees in my anger.

My anxiety had kicked into overdrive within mile seconds of crashing into Jasper and sliding to my bottom causing me to get up and run, only now as a vampire I could run fast and smash things that were in my way. It was stupid and I knew it, why couldn't I just be a normal vampire that doesn't' feel like I'm about to sink into a deep black hole every time I touch him. Whether it was just because he surprised me or I was just frustrated with been broken or I was running crazy from been a newborn, I wasn't sure but that was how I found myself sitting down among a very destroyed forest feeling bad for the trees and trying to slow my breathing down even though I didn't need to breathe any more. I still did it though, mostly as an exercise that Charlie had taught me, breathe in for a few seconds, hold it then breathe out, try to find something blue, something green, something yellow, something purple and so on. It helped now that I had smashed a few things and were able to run through the exercises.

I knew seeing him shirtless had triggered that attack, the surprise didn't help in his favor but it had just taken me straight back to that room, to that bed where I was powerless to move a muscle. I couldn't even scream since Jasper had taken away my pain, I couldn't do anything but lay there while he touched me, raped me. Sure my body reacted in ways and somewhere I knew deep down that it did feel amazing but that was buried very deep down under the fact that I had no choice. Although he had no choice either, he was as much a victim as I was, he just had the ability to scream about it if he could.

I laid down among the splinters of wood and stared at the sky. I knew from an outside perspective that this was ridiculous. I couldn't control how my body reacted but I could try to reason with my brain at the very least. Jasper had no choice, it was that or I would have finished my transition then been a captive to Maria forever and had been raped for eternity. Either option sucked but one sucked less. Also the idea of been raped by randoms that I didn't know, that would have gotten off on the idea is less appealing than knowing I was raped by Jasper who had no choice either. I just had to focus on the fact that he had no choice when my stupid head decided to have a stupid anxiety attack I told myself as I threw pine cones up into the air.

I also had to focus on the fact that despite being an irrational newborn that had scars, Jasper was patient, he wanted to watch another movie with me tonight, he wanted to do cute things like I did even if it was for the next thousand years he would wait. That made me smile a little.

"Mmm a smile, that means you've calmed down I hope?" said Rose as she came over to me.
"A little, just frustrated at life" I mumbled as I threw some more pine cones up into the air.
"A little, do you have any idea how long it takes these trees to grow? Or rather, any idea of what I'm going to say to Char and Peter when they see this?" she said as she sat down next to me.
"Tell them a bear did it?" I asked as I sat up to pick at the grass that had been trampled in my wake.
"Yeah a bear should cover it" she said while rolling her eyes.

"I'm just frustrated that even though Jasper was doing something as innocent as coming out of our bedroom from a shower, that I got a fright, and then freaked out. I couldn't breathe for a good minute while running, then I just kept running" I said while throwing a pine cone as far as I could.
"And smashing, don't forget the smashing young lady. Maybe this will teach you to stop zooming everywhere, take things slow, slow down. I had a word with him to stop using the bathroom and to shower with the dogs in their house. As for your anxiety attacks, take things slow? Try small things, don't commit to a big thing like smashing into my half naked brother, try passing him a flower, small things that involve minimal contact but contact nonetheless" she said as she picked a twig out of my hair.
"Small things, okay, and yeah I guess I'll stop zooming" I said. I knew Rose's history so when she gave me advice I tried to listen.
"Did you at least give yourself a second to admire his body before taking off?" she said as she leaned back enjoying the sun rays filtering down through the trees.
"Rose! He's your brother and you have Emmett!" I said, nudging her with my shoulder.
"He's not related to me so he's not really my brother and a girl can look" she smiled innocently.
"I've seen him too many times half naked, not many of them had good memories tied to it" I mumbled.
"Well maybe you should make new memories? He's pretty good looking" she said.
"Again you have Emmett Rose!" I said.
"Yeah and you have Jasper, he will always be yours Bella so you should take a minute to look at him next time you see him. You can't tell me he isn't appealing to look at" she replied.
"Alright fine, yes he does look pretty good, happy?" I mumbled.
"Yes, alright well you can clean this mess up, I'll send the boys out to help. Make a pile of trees and they can turn them into firewood to sell. Then you miss are going to be planting trees for the rest of the afternoon when they arrive in a few hours" she scolded.
I groaned but got to work as she sped off to find Emmett and Peter.

For someone who I thought hated me when I was a human, she was quickly becoming my best friend even though sometimes she drove me nuts. But having a female that had at least gone through roughly what I went through helped. She got it and understood without me having to say anything, what I wanted or needed.

Half an hour later I had rounded up a quarter of the destruction that I had caused when Peter and Emmett found me.
"Damn Bella, is there anything still standing?" said Emmett.
"Shut up" I mumbled as I threw a pine cone at his face which he quickly dodged.
"Alright you keep working here, Emmett and I will work around you and start chopping this stuff up to smaller chunks for firewood" said Peter before taking off to pull in more trees that had fallen.

A few hours later Jasper, Char and Rose came by with a semi truck full of trees for me to plant, there had to be at least a thousand little seedlings. I thought I would have been made to do this on my own since it was my doing but everyone silently worked away which gave me the feeling it wasn't the first time they had done this. Jasper made a point of staying furthest away from me and I felt bad. I decided to keep Rose's words in the back of my mind. I saw when he needed more plants so I zoomed off, grabbed a few in my arms and then walked slowly up to him to hand them over. He was surprised but accepted and started planting them while I took a deep breath and went back to my section to work. His fingers had gently grazed my arms as he had reached in to pull the plants out but Rose was right, a small interaction with no commitment to something longer worked. My anxiety was still there but it was much smaller and mostly taken over by how proud I was of myself.

Jasper's PoV

"What the hell did you do Jasper Whitlock?" snarled Rose in my face after she had tackled me to the wall with her hand on my throat. I quickly adjusted the towel to make sure it wouldn't fall off, tried to catch my breath that I didn't need and reigned in my anger that was a natural reaction to being tackled.
"I came out of the shower looking for clothes thinking Bella was outside with you feeding the horses" I mumbled while leaning forward to breathe in deeply while resting a hand on Rose's shoulder for support.
"Damn" she said as she took in what I wasn't wearing and took off after Bella.
I sunk to the floor as my hearing picked up trees being smashed. Bella's emotions were in fight or flight mode, except they were in both. She was running for her life and smashing everything in her way. After a minute she ran out of my empathetic abilities range, and I was able to breathe freely again even though I didn't need to breathe. I eventually picked myself up, pulled on some clothes and went to the chicken coop out of everyone's way.

"Um you know Bella is destroying a forest out there right?" Jacob said as he climbed up the ladder to see me laying on the couch.
"Yup" I mumbled.
"Aren't you supposed to do something about that?" he asked.
"Nope" I said as I found my ball and started throwing it up in the air to catch it again.
"Why not?" he asked as he came over to catch it.
"I'm the reason she's freaking out so I'm staying far away from that. Rose can calm her down" I said as I sat up and snatched the ball back.
"Well fine, we are having one last bonfire tonight to farewell the pups, they are going to the airport tomorrow morning. Did you want to help me hunt and set things up?" he asked.
"You don't need my help" I mumbled as I started bouncing the ball on the ground, scaring the chickens below.
"No I don't but you need to be doing something other than moping in here so come on" he said as he caught my ball, chucked it in my suitcase from where he was standing and grabbed my arm gently to tug me to a standing position. I sighed and got up to follow him to the woods in the opposite direction of Bella's destruction.

We tracked down a few deer that Jacob shot then worked together to make a decent pile of fish to carry back with us. The pups had already built a decent bonfire with the wood from Bella's destruction which meant they took over skinning and cleaning the animals once me and Jacob returned. Leaving me free to follow Peter to plant some trees. I thought it was a stupid idea since I was the cause for the destruction but he said I needed to be there so that was how I found myself digging holes in the dirt next to Char. She was far too happy about life, humming away some pleasant song while I was contemplating how mad she would be if I chucked dirt in her face just to shut her up. I was as far from Bella as possible and didn't see the point of me been here but Peter kept giving me looks so I kept my head down and continued working.

Eventually Bella came up to me, slowly with some plants in her arms when I needed more. I was frozen to the spot, worried that if I moved I would spook her but then she just kept walking towards me and I realized she wanted me to take the plants from her so I carefully did, brushing my fingers against her arms. She inhaled a sharp deep breath, smiled softly then walked slowly back to her spot beaming pride in herself. I noticed Rose smiling at Bella and she gave me a subtle nod before returning to digging holes. I put my head back and continued working but inside I was jumping up and down like a small kid at Christmas. Sure there was a small amount of anxiety but it was manageable.

Around six at night we had finished planting all the little saplings. Peter and Emmett were going to drive into town to sell the rest of the firewood that we didn't need while Bella and I showered before our date. I showered in Jacob's house at Rose's request and waited outside for Bella to come out. This time I thought we could take the horses to our destination and had Daisy and Rocket already saddled up ready to go. Eventually Bella came out wearing black leggings, a purple tank top that fell in layers with sequins sewed in spirals around her bosom and a short sleeve black cardigan.
"Rose helped me dress" she said while shrugging.
"You look beautiful, up for a horse ride? Just mount Daisy carefully, or you will startle her with your strength" I said.
"Can you help please? I don't want to scare her" she said as she came closer to pat Daisy.
"Are you sure? I don't want to overstep Bella" I said as I came a few steps closer to Bella and felt her anxiety hitch up a notch.
"Tiny small steps, lets go while we are young grandpa" she smirked before turning her back on me to put her shoe into Daisy's saddle.
"Okay one, two, three" I said before gently resting my hands on her hips and boosting her up onto Daisy. I then mounted Rocket.
"Grandpa?" I asked before letting Rocket take off at a trot.
"Yeah you're like a hundred in sixty right?"
"I'm one hundred and sixty four but I turned at the age of nineteen so i'm really not that much older than you" I said.
"Then you're a grandpa" she smirked before giving Daisy a nudge to bolt off. Rocket pulled at his reins to keep up so I let him fly. We made it to our destination after half an hour and let the horses graze freely. If they wandered too far we could easily chase them down.

"Alright so why Phantom of the Opera?" I said as I started the movie.
"It's a classic, and it's a cute movie. Haven't you seen it before?" she said as she settled in on her couch.
"Despite been a 'grandpa' as you like to call it, no, I haven't even heard of it before"
"Oh well you will see then, I think you will appreciate the singing" she said before shushing me as the opening started.

The movie wasn't bad and like Bella said, the singing was pleasant. After the movie was done Bella helped me race the couches back to the farm to be stored since a storm was coming. Then we rode the horses back slowly taking in the stars and unseasonably hot night. I was sticking to my side of the road but Bella had eased Daisy over so that she was riding closer to me. I looked at her with raised eyebrows.
"Rose told me to stop zooming, and to stop committing to big gestures like sitting next to you. She told me to do little things like handing you stuff as there isn't any commitment to that. There's no commitment to riding next to you as I can easily tell Daisy to ride further from you at a twitch of my wrist" she said.
"Makes sense, for a spoiled brat, I sometimes forget how good her advice can be sometimes" I said.
"Spoiled brat?" Bella asked defensively.
"Oh come on, please tell me you remember when you were sick and she was getting mad that there were no cans of soup to make for you? I had to talk to her outside and remind her that Char and Peter make things from scratch. I left her to pick vegetables from the ground but I'm pretty sure Char did that for her in the end. Then today, she never once got her hands dirty, instead she made holes for you to bury the plants, she's a princess. I love her but she's a princess and a lot of work sometimes" I said.
"Oh man, I forgot that," she said while laughing.
"What do you remember of your human life?" I asked, trying to hide my concern.
"I mostly remember what you did to me in Maria's camp. There are foggy memories though of us coming here and having fun together, joking around, light banter, nice touches that felt good at the time but now they just make my anxiety pick up. I know I have a father in forks but I can't remember his name or what he looks like" she said.
"His name is Charlie. As the next two years go by your memories will come back slowly. I actually sent him an email recently telling him where we were going and that you were doing well. I wasn't sure what you wanted to do. Originally you were supposed to get better then go to a university and continue your life. I'm not sure if you want to cut ties with your family saying there was a tragic accident or if you wanted to risk them knowing our secret and keep them in your life for the next few years?" I asked.
"I don't know, I hadn't really thought about it, what are your thoughts?" she asked while guiding Daisy further from me for a minute just to come back over.
"It's up to you Bella, I can't tell you or advise you on this. I don't want to even suggest anything as it will take away from something that should be your choice. Not a lot of us get that choice and that's part of the reason why we are going on a vacation tomorrow, surprise. I wanted to give you space to think about what you want to do next with your life. You could go to university in a few years if you want but right now is where your head should be as eventually Charlie is going to take me up on my offer and come down to check on us and how you are doing. You can hide the fact that your skin is different with makeup and by staying inside or we can travel north to forks to see him but your hair is different Bella, you're taller by a lot and your voice is different when you're happy. Take the time while we are away to really think about what you want to try and commit to. Jacob has offered to morph in front of him so that you don't have to tell him our secret but it gives Charlie the idea that there is more out there than just humans. If you were to go down the route of keeping Charlie in your life, I would let Jacob tell his secret instead. The Volturi, our government are not fans of humans knowing who we are so it would be dangerous. Now if I'm a grandpa, can a grandpa do this?" I said before giving Rocket the go ahead to bolt as fast as he could leaving Bella in the dust.

Bella eventually pulled into the paddock shaking her head at me while I sat on the fence waiting for her.
"Took your time much?" I said.
"Daisy is an old girl, she can't run that fast!" she said as she dismounted and led her to the stables to take off her saddle.
"Then don't call me old, Carlisle however, he's from the sixteen hundreds, he's old" I said as I passed her a brush which she accepted.
"I like that you're trying to take small steps, I miss tugging at your hoodie strings" I said as I found some food for Daisy to munch on when Bella was done brushing her down.
"I'll keep that in mind," she said, smiling softly.

Later in the evening when Bella and I came back from watching Phantom of the Opera, I broke the news to the household while the pups were busy doing their thing that we were leaving tomorrow afternoon for a holiday.
"You want to do what Major?" asked Peter.
"I wanna go on a vacation to Esme's island, it's not far from here so it's a quick flight" I said.
"You want to put a newborn in a metal box, a hundred kilometres in the air with humans only a few meters away and expect this to not be a disaster" he said shaking his head.
"I mean we can feed before we leave but yes, I want to go on a vacation, the tickets are already paid for, Jacob has offered to look after the property with his friend Embry so you can either come or not, it's up to you" I said.
"I think it's a good idea, how bad can it be and if it is bad Jasper can just knock me out with his empathetic ability" Bella said, coming to stand next to me.
"Vampires don't sleep Bella" Peter snapped back.
"Well then we'll get high and find other things to do instead" she snapped back.
"You two seriously are each others mates, when one of you mopes, both of you mope, when one of you wants to do something stupid and crazy, you are both on board with it" he said before taking off for a run.
"Well I think it's a stupid idea but I am excited for a vacation" chirped Char happily.
"We can go shopping in Brazil which is nearby also" said Rose excitedly.
"Yeah that sounds like fun!" said Bella as she followed them off to Rose and Emmett's room.

I made my way to our bagged animal blood supply with a few thoughts in mind as the girls chatted away about clothes Bella could wear. I tried to tune out by putting some music on my speaker as the giggles increased and my name was mentioned more than once.