Hey all, sorry it took a while to release this, I actually rewrote it several times as I couldn't commit to a pov that I wanted to show. The song in this chapter is called Walking Disaster by the band Saywecanfly. Its definitely worth listening to and I just felt it fitted nicely :)
Jasper's Pov
It was maybe a few hours later when I decided to find Bella, I wanted to ask her to come walk with me. Even though we were on the same island, I still felt a pull towards her to spend time with her or just be in the same room. I made my way to her room where she was reading a book from the sounds of it and knocked gently on her door.
"Hey" she said as she opened her door and stepped back to let me come in.
"Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to come with me for a midnight walk along the beach?" I asked.
"Sure" she said happily. She grabbed her cardigan which made me smile as she no longer needed it but it was a human habit.
We walked in silence for some time along the beach, barefoot and taking in the scenery of the full moon casting light upon the ocean till we came across a pod of dolphins playing not far from us.
"Omigosh can we go swimming with them?" Bella asked excitedly. I froze solid, not sure of how I could answer her question but she noticed and came over to me to gently stroke my hair out of my face.
"What's wrong?" she whispered.
I looked to the water and back to her and then tilted my head to hear what the others were doing while furrowing my eyebrows in concentration, they were all in bed fooling around. I came a step closer to her, waited for her to push me away then lent over to whisper in her ear using my hand to prevent the sound waves from traveling far.
"Is it okay if we keep our clothes on?" I asked before taking a step back and giving her a pained look.
"Jasper, of course it's fine, wait there!" she said before she zoomed back to the house only to come skidding to a halt in front of me with twelve different jackets on and sending sand flying everywhere.
"I need help zipping them up but I'll wear this, I completely understand Jasper, you don't even have to ask" she said smiling up at me.
"How did I get so lucky?" I said, smiling softly at her and removing eleven of the jackets she had on to zip up my hoodie that she had sneaked on underneath. I paused for a moment not wanting to over step and after looking her in the eyes, I gently tugged the string of my hoodie and gave a small smile.
"Race you in?" she asked, trying to lighten my mood. I nodded so she counted us down and we raced in.
Once we were close to the dolphins we started moving slower, not wanting to spook them and I pushed my empathetic ability towards them to put them in a playful and trusting mood. They quickly came over to nuzzle Bella's face before letting her hold onto them to go for a ride. I moved over to one to do the same, it was such a thrill and I could see why Bella was so excited for this. I had never had the opportunity to do such things before as Maria was all about war and well Alice never went into the ocean, she didn't like the smell or something. Alice only cared for fashion and shopping so if I wanted to do something like this it was at Char and Peter's farm.
Eventually the dolphins started to move off so we let them go and hovered for a bit in the ocean just staring at the ripples on the water reflecting the light of the moon. We couldn't hear the others any more which meant we were out of their hearing which was nice to have some privacy.
"Thanks Bella, I know wearing clothes in the water, its stupid, I just don't feel comfortable out of my clothes any more" I mumbled.
"It's okay Jasper, I don't either and was about to suggest the same thing. You don't have to be perfect or strong all the time, at least with me you don't have to be, you can just be you" she said softly.
"Thank you, it's been a while since anyone has offered that. With Maria she wanted a warrior and nothing less, with Alice and the Cullen's, they saw my scars and expected the same from me but despite been good at killing thousands, it's not what I wanted to be"
"What about when you joined the army at seventeen?" she asked.
"I was stupid and naive. I wanted glory and I wanted to send money back home to my mother, sisters and brother. I didn't consider the consequences it would have over my mental state at such a young age. I got promoted quickly, I was good at what I did but I felt trapped the whole time into being something I wasn't sure I should be. My father had passed away the year before I enlisted so I couldn't ask him for advice and it wasn't common for sons to talk to their mothers about things after a certain age so I just buried it deep and kept on going. That was when Maria turned me and trapped me in yet another but more horrifying war where I literally was fighting for my life. At least before, when I was human, I could have said no if I wanted. I would have been removed dishonorably but at least I had a choice" he said.
"I'm really sorry Jasper. I never want you to feel like you have to be something that you're not around me, it's exhausting trying to keep that up. We both went through a lot recently, and I don't know if Rose has been telling you this but she keeps telling me to communicate better with you. There's nothing wrong with us Jasper, we just need to talk to each other so we don't upset the other one by accident. Like right now, I want to hold your hand or give you a hug if that's okay?" she asked.
I was amazed, I just showed her how weak and vulnerable I have been feeling and she didn't laugh in my face before punishing me, she didn't tell me to get over it and put on a new fancy suit, instead she wanted to embrace me. I swam closer to her and wrapped her in my arms wanting a hug also. Now that she was a vampire I could squeeze her tightly without breaking her spine.
"Does my voice, smell and touch still cause you anxiety?" I asked before letting go and moving back a bit.
"Shouldn't you know?" she asked.
"Yeah but I try not to pry into your emotions all the time just because I can" I replied.
"Not as bad, it's still there but it's getting better" she said.
"How did you get past that?" I asked trying to hide my curiosity in my voice.
"I focused on the facts. Fact one, you always gave me a choice when you could, fact two, you never mistreated me, you treated me with kindness and love. You brought joy and meaning back into my life, you gave me a reason to leave my house and to try living again. You got me to smile and laugh. Fact three, you had no choice, you were trapped just as I was in a shitty situation with two shitty choices and you chose the right one. I would rather be raped by someone who would at least feel bad about it than randoms that would enjoy it" she said.
"Mmm" I hummed.
"Do you feel anxious when you're out of your clothes?" she asked, hitting the nail on the coffin. I couldn't speak it out loud so I just nodded my head and looked away feeling ashamed.
"That's' why you were asking for any ideas to get past it?" she said, mumbling to herself. I nodded my head again.
"It will just take time Jasper, doesn't one of your degrees tell you that?" she asked.
I just nodded my head again.
"It's fine Jasper, we can go as slow as we want, we have forever" she said smiling softly and grabbing my hand gently in hers.
"How did I get so lucky?" I breathed, turning to rest my forehead on hers and close my eyes.
"Funny, I don't know how many times I've asked the same question to myself" she said.
"I've never really been good at sharing, I don't think I've ever really felt comfortable but right now, if you will let me, I want to show you the song I've been working on if that's okay?" I asked leaning back to see her reaction on her face.
"Sure, we could take the little boat out to one of the other smaller islands for privacy if you want?" Bella asked. I smiled and started swimming back to the house.
Twenty minutes later after we had showered and dressed again, we were sitting in the little boat with Bella holding onto my guitar case while I steered us off to one of the smaller islands. There was a smaller island nearby but it took around half an hour to get to but we made it and could see the same pod of dolphins playing in the distance. I pulled up to the beach, leapt out and pulled the boat to shore. I had thought ahead and put on shorts and went barefoot so the water wouldn't make my clothes wet. Bella took my hand that I offered to help her stand and step over onto the sand. It felt nice to be able to touch her again without affecting her anxiety and I noticed the meter gap sometimes was half a meter which felt nice. Was this what it felt like to be someone's true mate? To always want them in your arms at all times? Did she feel the same? I felt like a rubber band that was stretched to its limit and needed a release that only came when I was holding her.
We made our way up the beach and sat down where I pulled out my guitar and started tuning it carefully.
"So I wrote this mostly when you were under the willow trees and Rose had given me back my body. I planned to run after the Volturi to ask them to end my life before you finished your transition. I thought if I wasn't around, you wouldn't feel the pull towards me and you could live your life happy without me. That was always the goal, for you to live regardless of what happened to me and I felt you wouldn't want to be with a monster that took advantage of your weakened state. Rose spent a few days kicking my head around the chicken coop till eventually I agreed to not commit suicide, but between us, that's still an option I'm willing to fulfill if you want. You could be happy Bella, live forever with Rose and Emmett somewhere and find a better mate or partner. So it's about that, knowing that you were my mate and not being able to tell you when you were a human as you were mentally not ready to hear that. Moving faster through my scars and issues so that I could figure out who I was since I still feel like a monster every moment of the day, wondering if you would remember me if I had successfully ran away before Rose had caught me. Anyways before you say anything, let me just play it then you can judge me all you like" I quickly said before starting to strum my guitar and closing my eyes.
Am I a walking disaster With my heart in my hands?
I come to you for an answer But you don't understand I've been fighting these feelings But I finally gave in 'Cause I remembered that after None of it would exist, yeah (None of it would exist)
Will you remember me When I'm all by myself?
Will you remember me When I got nobody else?
Will you remember me When I can't even tell who I am?
I wish that I could move faster But I've been so stuck In my mind, with a past hurt That I'm losing my time And I've been hiding these feelings But I finally gave in 'Cause I remembered that after None of it would exist
Will you remember me When I'm all by myself?
Will you remember me When I got nobody else?
Will you remember me When I can't even tell who I am?
Ooh, tell who I am (am)
Tell who I am (who I am)
Ooh, who I am (I am)
Who I am (who I am)
Who I am (who I am)
Will you remember me
When I'm all by myself?
After I started singing the first few lines, I lost myself in the song that I had poured my heart into over the past week. I also relaxed and projected to Bella everything I had been hiding from the world, my pain, my scars, my insecurity and my anxiety.
"Jasper" Bella breathed when I had finished playing and the last chord died away in the sound of crashing waves. I opened my eyes to look at her expecting her to judge me but instead there was just love radiating in waves from her. In one fluid movement she had leapt over to me and pushed me back in the sand with her newborn strength catching my head gently in her hand before it hit the sand. I just had time to move the guitar out of the way and dropped it into its case. She froze on top of me, her lips inches from mine and took a moment to ask permission with her eyes. I closed the distance between us and gently kissed her while snaking my arms around her waist.
"Your not a disaster Jasper or a monster, I don't know if either of us are ready to dive into love but I do like you, a lot so don't you dare leave me or I'll hunt your ass to the ends of the earth to bring you back" she said before kissing me softly again.
"Noted" I said smiling softly after she had pulled back. I helped her to sit back up and we sat for a while in silence with my arms still around her and her head on my shoulder. I finally felt at ease, happy even and I had lyrics running through my head for another song I wanted to write.
"Wait, how long have you known that we were mates for?" she asked after some time.
"I realized the night you tried to end your life, after Edward had bruised your face. The most popular way a vampire feels like ending their life is because its too painful to live if their mate has died. You were under the impression that he was and only felt that amount of pain because for four months you weren't aware that I was watching you. When I had ran south for the first week, my chest hurt but I refused to admit it. It had never hurt before and I wasn't sure what that meant till I called Emmett about it. Once I realized we were true mates, I realized how far back this went. Alice and Edward knew from the start, they never wanted to come to forks so when I made a move to protect you at your birthday, they improvised to move the family. Alice knew it would split the family up but her goal was to cause you as much pain as possible with Edwards help. She figured you would end your life leaving me in her clutches eventually forever. If I could go back, I would have knocked on your door the day I came back into town, offered friendship and we would have fallen in love over time. We might have even stayed up in forks where we never would have ended up in Maria's camp. I couldn't tell you when I realized as I knew it would be too much and afterwards there was just never a right time. I contemplated telling you when I kissed you in Maria's camp but couldn't. when did you realize?" I said tightening my grip around Bella
"Damn, that's a lot to take in. Rose told me when we went hunting and I was complaining that my chest was hurting" she said as she snaked her arm around my waist.
"Wait you were about to just go to the Volturi to ask them to end your life knowing this?" she asked.
"Yeah, I never admitted that I was making healthy choices in those first few days. I thought if I didn't exist when you woke up, you wouldn't feel any pain at all or any lost, that you would be free to live your life with Emmett and Rose. That's at least what I thought and that's why Rose took great pleasure kicking my head around for a few days. Chicken poop up your nose, is not an appealing smell"
"Well maybe you should listen to her next time?" Bella giggled before resting her head back on my shoulder.
We sat there, with Bella in my arms, till the sun rose and didn't head back till it was high in the sky.
