"You know…I don't think I've ever heard you talk about your mother."
A few makeout sessions and the occasional hand holding had made Ruon Jian audacious. Azula sat stiff lipped and befuddled by his question and the sweet kiss he had just laid on her.
Normal people tell each other things. It's called getting to know someone.
But Azula wasn't normal. Not by a longshot. Atleast not by anything she'd gathered from her limited interactions with others. Confiding in someone was a quick way to let yourself be weakened by an enemy.
But he's not an enemy. He's a scruffy teenage boy taking joy rides in his older brother's car to makeout with you.
Rouge tint lit up her cheeks. Azula couldn't deny that she'd been having fun. Sneaking around, playing hooky, and having fun with someone you liked was a feeling that she wouldn't be able to fathom without Ruon Jian. Baring your heart to the wind might not have been so bad after all.
"Oh. I'm sorry. Am I overstepping?" he asked with his head tilted like a puppy.
Azula couldn't help the giggle that slipped past her lips. "Yeah. We're only supposed to be kissing in the broom closet, not unpacking my 'trauma'," she relayed with her fingers up in air quotations.
Ruon Jian's head tilted further, wrinkle lines forming on his forehead as his brows scrunched together. "Trauma?"
Azula shrugged off his question. "It's a long story."
Ruon Jian turned over his wrist watch. He squinted at its tiny hands. "We've got about twenty minutes left of lunch."
"Are you serious?" Azula guffawed. He patted the ground next to him, a childish grin on his face. She folded her arms against her chest and refused to face him. What the hell was this guy's problem? Why couldn't he just be happy with what there was now? Did he always have to pry?
Before she could protest, Ruon Jian's hand gripped her thigh and dragged her over onto his lap. "Hey!" she whined, the familiar rouge tinting her cheeks. He grabbed her chin, positioned his face to lean into hers, and began a passionate kiss that ended with a loud smack.
Azula's brain went fuzzy. Her lips felt numb and her heart beat against her ribcage faster than a hummingbird's wings. Ruon Jian wrapped her swaying body tighter into his own. He buried his face into the nape of her neck. "I wanna know all about you, Fujiwara."
"Everything?" Azula repeated, still delirious.
"Everything."
Azula averted her gaze. She sighed with the sorrow of a thousand broken girls. Ruon Jian steadfasted his grip around her waist. "My mother…she left us about six years ago." Azula fought the lump that scrounged its way up in her throat.
Ruon Jian pulled her in tighter. "'Us' includes you and your father, yes?"
"My brother too."
"You have a brother?!"
"Yes. No? It's complicated. Our relationship is…strained. Practically nonexistent."
"Is he older?"
"Mhm. Just turned seventeen."
"Does he go here?"
"Yeah. He doesn't really stand out or anything, so you've probably never noticed him."
Ruon Jian gave a low whistle. "Wow," he breathed. "I couldn't imagine just not having a relationship with my brother. He's annoying as fuck, but I couldn't imagine us not being close."
Water welled in Azula's eyes. Warm snot built up in her nose. A light burn singed her throat. She was very grateful to not be facing his direction. "Yeah, well…" she managed, her thoughts drifting midway. "That's just how things are."
Quiet draped over the small broom closet. Just broaching the subject of her tumultuous family life brought an unseen heaviness on her body. She had the urge to nap suddenly. To do away from this world and all its demands of her for just a little. But Ruon Jian was still there, holding her tight, asking a million questions.
"Are things the way they are because your mom left?"
"No." She had eased herself off of his lap by now. Knees tucked to her chest and arms wrapped around her calves, Azula rested her chin against her knobby knees. "Not completely. Before she left, her and my dad…they'd fight a lot. Mostly as a result of him though. He really knows how to push people's buttons."
"Have you seen her since?"
"She just came back this past summer actually."
"That's great!" Ruon Jian cheered.
Azula pushed her knees further into her chest. Ruon JIan's face fell. He moved closer and let his hand linger before resting gently on her back. He ran his hand up and down her back a few times. For a millisecond, she jumped at the contact. "I'm gonna take a wild guess and say maybe her return hasn't been so great."
Azula shrugged. "I don't know. I hold all these feelings for my mother at once that they just become this confusing amalgamation of something I can't quite put into words."
"That's fair," Ruon Jian sighed. He hadn't once stopped his rhythmic rubbing of her back. "It must be hard seeing her after all these years."
"She wants me to come over to her new place," she blurted. And once she started she just couldn't stop herself. "Toting around her new family. Her totally forgettable husband, a perfect angel of a daughter, a modest home in the suburbs. They're the picture of comfortable living. I'm sickened every time I even think of her. How could she leave us?! Her precious children she used to go on and on about. We were 'the light of her life' per her words and she just left us alone with that man.
I understand why she didn't come for me. She's always thought I was a monster. But she never came for Zuko either! And he's so pathetic. The worst part was watching him light up when she came standing on our doorstep. His tail was practically wagging! She fed him some bullshit excuses for her absence and he soaked up every word. Hook. Line. And sinker. He thinks I'm being stupid by never accepting her 'generous' offers to come over, but I know better. I deserve better. I won't ever accept a woman as…as wretched as her. I woke up and she was gone. Forever!" Azula rambled.
Her voice cracked at the end, but she had been fighting welling tears, an aching throat, and a rise in body heat for far too long. She buried her face in between her knees and cried silently. Only the shivers of her shoulders and some sniffles outed her display of emotion. "How could she just leave us like that? And then act like nothing ever happened? Don't we at least deserve an explanation?"
Ruon Jian nodded along. He patted her back a few more times for good measure, then worked to untangle her limbs from themselves. Azula was quick to hide her blotchy, tear-streaked face. Ruon Jian chuckled. He unwrapped her arms from her face and watched as she did her best to hold back tears. A warm smile widened his face. "Why don't you go see her?"
"She doesn't want to see me!"
"But you said she's been asking after you."
"Out of obligation. Keeping up appearances is why she requests to see us both. She only wants Zuko. Always has."
"I think you could bear to accept her request just once."
"Why do you keep trying to see the good in everything?!" the young girl scowled.
Ruon Jian scooted back, wilting away from her touch. He angled his eyes away from hers. "Someone has to," he replied with ease. Azula sat embarrassed and bashful as she looked upon him.
"Listen. I know you think I'm kind of stupid and -"
"I don't -"
"You do. It's fine. Most people think the same," Ruon Jian stated, bitterness saturating his tone. Azula resorted to fixing her gaze on her shoes. "I know you think I don't know what I'm talking about. It's true that I don't understand the gravity of your situation, but an opportunity for forgiveness has arrived and you're not even considering it. You want answers. The truth. Maybe even the space to catch up on lost time. Reuniting with your mother might be the worst decision you'll ever make, but you'll never know if you just stay here bottling up your feelings in hopes that they reach her one day."
Ruon Jian reached for Azula's hand. He squeezed it gently. Held it against his cheek as he cuddled into it. "I think you should give it a shot."
Like dozens of times before, Azula found herself breathless and hardly able to draft up a proper sentence. "I'll think about it."
….
Ursa just couldn't do anything right. Up and moving her new family from all they knew, forcing a bond with her estranged children, to attempting and failing to gain custody of her oldest children. Ozai had stumped her - a feeling she knew he'd find glee in. What could she say to his accusations?
Sure, she would've risked a lot by trying to reunite with her children, but she had opted not to risk anything at all. Unfortunately, that's what her children would remember of her. The woman who left them high and dry at the most vulnerable time. What a memory to leave behind. She was sure that's where Azula's grudge toward her originated. But Azula was much younger than Zuko and probably didn't understand the severity of the situation.
Ursa and Ozai came to be as a result of an arranged marriage. They were both so young, barely twenty by the time the final decision had been made. Ozai came from old money. Just the sound of his family name rang alarm bells to everyone within the vicinity. Power and prestige were all he knew.
Ursa's family wasn't from humble beginnings by any means. They were quite wealthy, but had been losing clout amongst the public for years. This marriage was supposed to be an opportunity to bring national buzz to her family again. But how things should've gone and how they ended up were two separate cases.
Ozai had never been an amicable man. In all their arranged meetings, rehearsals, and outings together he was cold and the airheaded young girl she was, she brushed it off as premarital jitters. The engagement, wedding procession, and honeymoon were all elaborately beautiful. She fondly remembered the hours spent smoothing every hair into place. Her bright smile contrasted his sober pout as they walked down the aisle which was supposed to mark the start of something beautiful. But it was only the beginning of a long road down to hell.
Ozai had his peculiar ways about him. She used to clean his office from time to time only to be met with his dismayed shouts. Eventually she stopped but problems arose in other areas too.
Their marriage had yet to be consummated. A year had gone by and Ozai was of no mind to 'put out'. Ursa hadn't been so sure of it herself, but she knew this marriage contract came with certain terms and conditions to be met. Constant urging did little more than agitate the man. The marriage was only consummated under the circumstances of one of the most petrifying moments of her life.
Ursa was threatening divorce. That alone did nothing to change his mind, but she'd also threatened to reveal all details of their lackluster affair to both families. He'd risk losing out on opportunities to further expand his family's business expenditures. Azulon - his father - would be greatly ashamed and Iroh - his older brother, the golden child - would be vindicated.
Iroh had always been a sore spot for Ozai. Azulon had always chosen his older brother and had made that clear by how quick he was to dole out punishment to him versus the never ending well of understanding that existed for Iroh. 'A brazen fool who never knew the appropriate thing to say' was how Azulon would describe him.
Of course Ursa had no knowledge of this therefore could not begin to fathom why he was the way he was. But she'd only dug the proverbial knife in deeper when she brought forth the question of his impotency. She remembered the feel of his rough hands around her neck, the crazed look in his eyes, the way she was barely able to open her eyes as he climbed atop her to prove otherwise.
No one was there to talk to her in those times. She had long since been out of contact with her former friends. They were young, unbound women only starting the journey to their true selves when they had left her. Marriage demanded so much of a woman. Hardly any time was left for her to hang out with them as she had before and they got tired of hearing her reject outings.
Besides, they were married with a child on the way so it couldn't be…it couldn't have been the act she was imagining. Rapists jumped out of bushes at night to grab you. Husbands were people you shared an intimate connection with that included sex. So she put on her big girl panties and moved on.
Swallowing down every negative emotion she felt wasn't an easy task, but Ursa persevered. Zuko was born soon after. Stress caused her to deliver early - already a bad omen - but it also caused problems for her newborn child. Her precious baby had been born with a heart defect. Immediately any semblance of joy faded from Ozai's face.
Generations of men in his family had all served their time in the military. Many went on to receive prestigious medals that boosted their popularity and status. And here she was giving birth to a cripple, quickly severing any chance he had to carry on this legacy. Iroh had bested him again with a healthy son and all his military accomplishments.
Iroh was the most decorated Fujiwara of them all. Ozai could only dream of touching the hem of his garments. Now, he couldn't even count on his own heir to bridge the gap.
The next few years were filled with the same frigid unfamiliarity that marked the beginning of their marriage. Anytime Zuko expressed a want for his father, Ursa watched him clam up before absconding. It was hurtful - to her and her son - but this was life now. All she could do was pour endless love into him.
Azula's birth came as a result of a demand for more grandchildren. Ursa's parents had died during her pregnancy making the whole affair a very dreary, low point in her life. From the moment she opened her eyes, Azula was a lively little thing. She babbled and cooed with the cadence of someone who was very sure of themselves.
She was a mischievous little thing too. Ursa would often find Azula and Zuko in the midst of some wacky shenanigans giggling as they took off when caught. Not even Ozai's icy exterior scared her off. She was a girl who held no prisoners. She demanded your attention and she'd go to great lengths to get it.
So when Ursa saw Ozai coming around to Azula, she thought his cold heart had finally melted. If Zuko cowered under his father's gaze, Azula only became more brazen by it. Ozai appreciated that about her and began to groom her in a way that Ursa did not agree with. The sneakiness, the manipulation, the way she'd hurt others without a second thought scared her mother. The closer her daughter grew to her father, the more estranged she became from Zuko and Ursa.
Fights broke out frequently about Ozai's parenting methods. He'd taunt her. Blame her for making his son a weakling. Used that to justify why he taught Azula the way he did. Ursa did her best to keep calm and not reveal the gritty details of the years they'd spent together within her children's ear shot.
She remembered yelling at him that he was making their daughter a monster. How Zuko shook from just being in his presence. That Ursa didn't believe all the bad blood between them was worth a few business exploits.
But Ozai was a master manipulator. He gaslit her frequently. Told her it was her fault they were all miserable. It was her who had been so gung ho to get married to appease her father about her waywardness. It was Ursa who had wanted children under any means possible and any strife that had come as a result of it was her being such a stickler for rules.
Breakdowns were frequent in the manor. Ozai would remain calm and poised while Ursa broke out into screaming fits, pulled her hair, cried inconsolably, or attacked him. Any slight murmur of their relationship in the business circles they were part of would be full of chuckleheads calling them 'mutually abusive' or worse painting her as the aggressor. He'd whittled her down until no remnants of the old Ursa were left.
"You used to be so strong-willed. Whatever happened to that girl?" he'd taunt.
Ursa saw no way out of her misery, so she stopped dreaming of it. Azula had been taken under Ozai's nefarious wings. All she could do was put all the love and care into Zuko. He was easy to love. Much easier than his sister who questioned, loudly voiced her disappointments with her mother, and always demanded more of Ursa than she could offer.
No, Zuko was simple. Just the slightest touch from his mother could supply him with happiness for days. He didn't ask questions, annoy her with what she couldn't answer, nor remind her of her failure as a parent.
Too bad it wouldn't last long. He was getting older. Approaching his preteen stage. Do you hate him? Was your father like that? How come we've never met our grandparents? Are you scared of dad? Would you ever leave him?
He was burning with questions that she was finding harder and harder to dodge. Thank goodness his Uncle Iroh was in his life at this point to ease her burden. She was burnt out. Zuko was demanding too much of her now. He'd become so needy. He was crippled by her affection. There seemed to be nothing he could do right without her present. Ursa never voiced it, but she was beginning to understand her husband's disdain. Weakness really was so unbecoming.
It was a mild spring day when Ozai gave her an out. Immediately she became suspicious. What was the catch? He'd only asked that he retained full custody of the children. Ursa was taken aback by the request. SInce when had he cared so deeply for their children?
"Children need stability. I imagine they won't have that wherever you decide to fuck off to."
Ursa sat on the offer for a few days before she accepted. She needed a break. She hadn't signed up for any of this shit. She wasn't in the position to be anyone's wife nor mother. At the reveal of her acceptance he leaned close to her ear and whispered "This is a no take back situation. If you're gone, you're gone. Pop up again and I'll be forced to make a mess of things."
Ozai straightened, hands clasped neatly behind his back. Ursa paled. "What do you mean?" His eyes wandered down the hall in the directions of the children's rooms. "Everything is at stake," he explained. "You, the children, and anyone else you meet along the way. I hope you'll take heed to my warning."
She tucked them in bed that night for the last time. Azula had already fallen asleep. An innocence rested on her face that Ursa hadn't seen since she was a baby. She pecked her on the forehead and headed for Zuko. She'd almost made it out scot free before he roused from his slumber.
"Mom?" He rubbed sleep out of his eyes.
"Shh, shh," she cooed hurriedly. "Go back to sleep."
"But where are you going?"
Ursa wrapped her trench coat tighter around her body. The crossbody bag resting on her hip burned with the promise of her freedom. She stroked his hair until he silenced and slipped into a dream. As soon as the coast was clear, Ursa bolted through the front doors.
Her body had never felt lighter. If she could, she would fly. To be out in the world without the burden of a failing marriage, without the fear of her husband's violent temper, or the pressure of a contract that only benefitted one party was bliss. Enjoyment filled her life. She ate the food she wanted, went where the wind carried her, slept all day without the disturbance of padding little feet, and fulfilled her sexual desires without abandon. She hadn't known how lonely she was nor how many pleasures she'd denied herself while under the rule of Ozai's thumb.
Gallivanting and exploring lasted a few more years before she'd whet her appetite with every indulgence under the sun. She'd settled down with her new husband and had their child Kiyi. She bubbled and cooed with love. No stains of the past lingered on her face. A new chapter in Ursa's life had been opened. She hadn't thought of Zuko nor Azula in years.
It was only when Kiyi - sharp witted and inquisitive - asked her a question. "Mommy? Will I ever get a brother or sister?"
Ursa - distracted by her baby's full red cheeks - answered without much thought. "You already do."
"Really?"
Ursa's face fell as she watched Kiyi's eyes light up like fireworks. This wasn't something that could be ignored. Kiyi wouldn't forget about it. She knew how to make anyone keel to her demands. So she had to - against her better judgment - get in contact with Ozai.
Her request was met with eager acceptance. Ursa knew it was too easy. There had to be a catch. She still hadn't figured out what.
Arriving on Ozai's doorstep had been a blast from the past. So much and so little had changed. The manor was larger - as to fit her ex-husband's ego she supposed. More security measures like taller gates and buff guards were put around the perimeters. There were a few new neighbors here and there. But the suffocating dread that she felt years ago still nauseated her. She didn't know how the children would react.
Terribly, she imagined. She'd snuck off like a thief in the night and hadn't a plan to return. Iroh was called for backup. A third party to ease this arduous transition. But it would turn out that not even he had remained in contact with his precious niece and nephew. Fuck. A shit show on wheels this was chalking up to be.
But Kiyi was so excited. Babbled about it within earshot of anyone who'd listen. Disappointment was not an option. She shouldn't have worried so much though. Zuko was more than thrilled at the news of her return. He'd practically jumped into her arms.
In that moment she knew that that needy little boy had only become an even needier young man. She gulped. She couldn't do this. Not after how she'd left him. That hollow feeling was returning to her stomach.
But Azula was another topic. She looked just as skeptical of her as she had as a child. The guarded body language, the clipped tone, those eyes that seemed to shout at her 'You left me! You left me! And you didn't even say goodbye!' and oh god how she looked just like her mother. Ursa was all over Azula's face. The crinkle of her nose, the brightness of her eyes, the curve of her cheek. That constricting feeling settled in her chest.
She couldn't do this.
