Found this from a year ago- hope you like it. S2 episodes with Gorev, Allison getting angry with her mother and the stress of working with Craig Sterling all make for a tough few days for Elizabeth. She's upset about she doesn't know her middle daughter as well as she used to.

That's her head space for this snapshot in time. I also thought a story about mothering might be good for this time of year.

This should be a two shot but if enough Interest could be multi chap and cover a lot of time with Mother and Daughter

Chapter 1.

Elizabeth wandered into the break room and was dismayed to see that there were no bear claws left on the snack trays.

Today was not a good day to be out of pastries as far as she was concerned. Blake couldn't help because while it was rare - occasionally even he had a meeting or appointment that required him to leave her to her own devices.

If you had asked her even a year ago if she would ever had seen herself as dependent upon a young man to function as her assistant she would have guffawed until she was gasping for breath.

Of course that was before. A lot had changed in the last 18 months - and she was now precariously balancing life as a mom, wife and cabinet member. One who clearly needed Blake to run her life. Heck - if he was running her home life maybe she wouldn't be in a mess with her cherished but not a crisis daughter.

A huge coke down from having stood in as Acting President a few weeks ago, thank you very much.

Now she was feeling a lot less secure about almost everything. Her husband was stuck living in the part of his job that he couldn't talk about. She was concerned that he was in over his head but she was not sure. He could not tell her much about it- they dodged that bullet once already; and she knew if she breached the espionage act again she'd be in a cage for a long time. She sure as hell didn't want it for her husband either. She was on tenuous footing with Conrad right now; Craig Sterling as her counterpart was like salt in a wound. She was being shut out of the inner circle by the old boy's network and it didn't make sense. Perhaps Mike B was right. Conrad needed to be successful for decisions that weren't tied to her.

Sometimes being around all this testosterone bothered her. It didn't usually. She had lots of masculine energy and had been raised to be tough and tomboyish.

Except for those days when she was clearly singled out as the girl playing in the wrong group. It stung just as badly as when she was little and her ball cap came off and the boys whom she had been playing with discovered that Adams was not her first name. That there were pigtails to accompany her muddy shirt and her Baseball mitt. Her face had burned with anger then and she thought she had gotten over it. Apparently not . Apparently Craig was who they wanted now. It was humiliating because everyone knew it. She had overheard Jay and Nadine having a private conversation because she had her head stuck in the fridge and voices carried. At least when they talk about me behind my back they are respectful .

Her brother was over in Syria risking his life to save people who needed lifesaving surgery in the field. He was vexing but she loved him fiercely. They fought like 12 year olds and she knew it needed to change but damnit - Will had to try too didn't he? Henry wasn't the one Sophie and Annie spoke to every few weeks.

Currently the whole mom thing was a bit of a mess. Her son was playing football and she was worried that the phone was going to ring telling her he had broken a limb or smashed his head. Unlike other football moms - she wasn't loving it and secretly hoped he would quit. Bad mom she scolded herself every night while she took off her makeup. Get over it Lizzie and support your son with your whole heart.

Her oldest daughter was taking child psychology and had only just begun to make smart choices. Literally last week after having her nude pictures with Harrison Dalton on the internet.

Something had happened with Stevie when Elizabeth had become the Secretary of State and it felt like her eldest had saved all of her sturm und drang for her twenties. I fucked up my first kid. I fucked up my son because he's constantly rebelling against my existence and now the quiet one - the peanut butter in her three child sandwich, now this one was angry and moody and saying that she felt invisible and unseen and noodle was right.

The first part of last fall she and Henry had fussed over Ally and her breakup with Josh and her obsession with Flint Summers. There had been soccer and French lit class and new friends. Then driving lessons and frozen yogurt. Somewhere in all of that she had been terrified that her daughter was lost in an earthquake in India.

Then life got busy and work got busy and somehow her motherhood skills came in dead last.

Now Elizabeth felt like the world's biggest jackass. How could I not even know that she was into fashion? That she sketched?

Which was why she was in the break room looking for carbs to accompany the self loathing tour she was buckling in for.

It was late fall, the anniversary of her parents death was a few weeks away, and literally everything felt off.

Including the tweed patterned pinafore she was wearing today. It was tight and making her itch. The white blouse was stuck to her armpits - welded in by the seams on the armholes of the dress. When she was stressed she hated her clothes. For a millisecond the thought about just stripping everything off. The headlines - menoapausal Secretary of State found naked in break room searching for pastries. It was enough to make her grin for moment.

I miss my teaching clothes she reflected sadly. It's just as well there are no bear claws. If I eat that now I won't be able to sit down in this damned dress today and there are three meetings before I can go home.

"Ma'am are you looking for this?" The voice of her speechwriter I territory's her thoughts and she turned to see him offering her the biggest bear claw she had ever seen. "I saved it for you. Blake told me you usually need a three pm carb pick me up and since he isn't here this afternoon he asked me if I would grab it for you." His brown eyes were kind and Elizabeth felt something shift inside of her.

Damn. There were unstoppable tears sliding out of her eyes. Oh Jesus! She bit the inside of her cheek and turned her head to the side but he had seen. "Ma'am are you OK? God I am an idiot - if you were OK you wouldn't be crying right now. Here. Let's sit down. Oh snap- we should probably just go back to your office so you can have private space." He grasped her elbow and guided her to her office where she found herself sitting on the couch. Matt put the pastry and the plate down on her coffee table but then stood there awkwardly. Crap.

"Thanks Matt. I appreciate the kindness. I just need a few minutes - please just forget what you are seeing here. I am just overtired. Probably allergic to this new mascara."

Matt Mahoney was nothing if not awkward when he wasn't writing - and he looked downright unsure right now. "Wouldn't the makeup have made you cry this morning if you were allergic to it? It's OK if you don't feel good. You aren't supposed to be Teflon and it's been stressful around here lately. I am sorry you are stuck with me but I can't leave you alone if you are sad. You are always super tough and Blake will kill me if you get sick or hurt on my watch."

Elizabeth almost wanted to laugh. He had grabbed a box of Kleenex from her desk and pulled up a chair. This is my punishment for weeding my closet at midnight.

She couldn't laugh though. Instead more tears slipped down her cheeks and she felt absolutely frustrated that she could stop them. She buried her face in her Kleenex and let it go. She knew people. Matt Mahoney could be disposed of and no one would ever know that this had ever happened. Menopausal Secretary of State has speechwriter killed because she embarrassed he saw her cry. Film at 11

She felt the couch dip and then a reassuring rubbing motion on her arm. " I know you're probably going to have me transferred to Malawi tonight and that's OK. But right now I am just going to be your friend. I may be dorky but I am not stupid. Everyone gets stressed and needs a good cry - even me. I did this two days ago. You're probably thinking 'Mahoney- that guy has it all worked out. He's young and good looking and dating. He's even giving me his third draft as his first draft.'So total job security right? But it's all just over a layer of a guy who's insecure about finding the right partner. A guy who wants to be somebody's dad. But also terrified of actually even having a baby. I am good with Chloe but she's always going home to Abby or Jay. And the dating? My mother calls me twice a week to tell me she knows some nice Pakistani girls I should be with. So me dating random women from Tinder - that's going to go over like a lead Balloon. I am almost 35 and still scared of my mom. I bet you don't terrify your kids Ma'am. "

From behind her soggy tissue she snorted "Matt you would be surprised to learn that I am not exactly killing it at home right now. I have a lot of flaws. All of which have collided right now and the last couple of months have been nothing but awkward for me and my family." Why was she doing this? What was wrong with her? Why was she spilling her guts?

Matt was cheerful "see now that you have admitted it I bet you feel better!"

Elizabeth lowered the Kleenex and tried to glare at the young man, but all she could manage was a watery smile. "Matt do I have to buy you a pony to keep you quiet about what just happened?"

He grinned at her. "I have allergies. A pony would kill me - which I know you think would be awesome in this moment. But you'll just have to trust that as your co worker I respect you. I don't get to tell you that often. I am not in here every day. I don't manage your schedule. I don't present you with news that messes up your day. My job is to write words I hope you'll relate to so that when you give speeches - you feel like they're genuine and something close to what you would write for yourself. So I think that makes me close to you in a way the others don't really know about. I also really don't like drama. It's so --". Elizabeth stood and smiled "dramatic?" He stood also, and nodded "I am glad I was here today. I am glad no one else was." He turned and walked towards the door. "I'm not Blake or Nadine or Dr. McCord but I hope I wasn't super annoying."

Elizabeth walked up to him and said "shut up Matt. Thank you for what you did today and what you do with my words before I even say them. Also for not quitting when I go completely off book and say my own thing."

He blushed a little and then looked her square in the eye.

"You May have frustrated me at first Ma'am but I have learned that you have terrific words to say. I trust you to kill it most of the time."

She composed herself and gave him a fierce look. "When you give me your third draft I try and stick to it as much as I can."

The speechwriter smiled. "It's an honour to serve Ma'am. Hope I am here to keep writing for you for a long time to come."

She smiled at him and decided to give him a hug. " Thanks for being a friend today Matt. I occasionally have these moments and what with Olga headed back to Russia to face Ostrova and bury her father - the least we can do is keep America running. I feel like Gorev was becoming a friend and that would have changed how Russia and the US could move forward. Now I feel like we are stuck with this woman who is completely unpredictable. "

Matt turned to leave. "I speak for the staff here when I say you are the badass who can keep us from having nuclear war with that woman in charge. We have faith in you."

It was her turn to blush a little. She smiled warmly.

"Thanks Matt. I will finish this bear claw and get back in the fight."

He nodded and left her office, closing the door.

Elizabeth thought about Alison for a moment and decided that she could be more encouraging. She decided to eat the bar claw and her clothing felt more comfortable. She heard Blake return and she called him into her office.

After inquiring about his meeting with Lucy and the other Executive assistants of the various major departments. She felt more like her old self and she ventured forth:

"Two things. Find me a great art supply store on my route home tonight. And let DS know I will need to shop for a little bit. I will behave myself I promise."

Blake nodded knowingly "of course Madam Secretary, are you painting or sketching ?"

She snorted a little. "Me? Not so much. But my daughter Alison is a budding fashion designer and I plan to spend a couple of hours making sure she knows how much I appreciate her."

Blake smiled "You are a good mother"

She looked off to the side for a moment and then spoke firmly.

"Not as good as I could be. But that changes today. I almost lost something I didn't know I was about to lose"

Blake wasn't altogether sure what she meant but he agreed and left her some private space to complete his research.

Elizabeth texted Henry to ask if they could have Thai food tonight - Allison's favourite, and some pistachio gelato. She also told him about her plan to pick up some art supplies. Henry was helpful because he knew what Allie needed.

Elizabeth McCord put down her phone and felt more like herself. She and Henry were in a good place. She had worked things out with Stephanie since the nude photos of a a couple of weeks ago and tonight she hoped to fix things with her middle child.

TBC.