A/N: BIG WARNING: This chapter delves into darker topics including depression, suicidal thoughts, and minor self-harm (choking) at the end. Discretion heavily advised. If you need to skip, please skip.
After the girls were done crying, all of them were gathered around a table, extra portions set out for the newcomers. Itachi and Kisame had decided to get breakfast with the rest of the camp.
"So now that we're caught up on all of it, I suppose you both have questions." Tsunade sighed, leaning back against the wall.
"Yeah, what the hell have you been up to?" Ino asked, directed towards Sakura. "We all thought you were dead."
"That was kind of the point," she pointed out wryly.
"But… but why?" Hinata murmured, hurt creeping over her face.
The rosette sighed heavily, glancing around the room. "What I'm about to tell you must stay in this room," she said firmly, "only in the minds of those here. Auntie, Hinoki, Shizune, Aika, and Karin already know, but this will be new to you."
"I swear to keep it to myself," Shikamaru declared.
"Me too," Ino chimed in, and Hinata silently nodded.
"Alright." Sakura took another breath to focus herself, preparing for the lengthy explanation. "It all began in March when my mom miscarried my brother, Kaede, and my cousin Eiko died right before my birthday. I had met with Auntie and she convinced me to join the organization, and we planned for a specific meeting place: Morino."
MAY 2, 78 AEC
The air was hot and cheerful befitting the beautiful summer that it was shaping up to be, and yet thirteen-year-old Haruno Sakura was utterly miserable.
It hadn't been an easy year; her father and uncle had lost their jobs at the castle, her beloved cousin Eiko had been murdered, and worst of all, she had lost her unborn baby brother. As if it couldn't get worse, their family was growing poorer and poorer, and they could barely afford this trip to Morino to sell some of their wares.
She could see it in her parents' faces that they weren't enjoying it either; her mother had been morose ever since she lost the baby, and her mood hadn't improved in nearly two months since it happened. She was only 36, going on 37, and most days she stared glumly out the window, her hand ghosting across a stomach that no longer carried what she desired. It wasn't her fault, of course, it was never her fault - she'd done nothing wrong, yet she had lost him anyway. Her years of being barren, their years of trying and trying and trying, once again bore no fruit. Even the doctors advised against trying to get pregnant again. With how gaunt the woman had become, with how frail she'd gotten, another pregnancy would end in death... either the baby, or them both.
Her father was no better. He had been overjoyed at the prospect of having a son, to have someone to join him in managing their business. As much as he loved his daughter, he'd always dreamt of a son too, and this was his last chance. He was devastated over the loss and spent more days than not working in the shop, desperate for an escape.
Sakura had been… numb. She had been so excited for a baby sibling, and for so long she handed over extra portions to her mother to make sure the baby would have enough nutrients to grow healthy and strong. She wanted a baby brother so badly that she often went to bed dreaming of mobiles and bassinets, of a little boy with their mother's sunny tresses and their father's twinkling sea-foam eyes looking up at her with adoration and calling her Onee-chan.
She was no stranger to loss, but this one… this one stung. It hurt worse than any death before, having to hear her mother sobbing late at night and hearing her father desperately trying to comfort her, only to end up weeping himself. It hurt seeing her father revert to his old workaholic habits with blood-shot eyes and dark circles, seeing him fake a smile and miss dinner for the third time that week.
And then Eiko was murdered three days after the miscarriage, and her world completely shattered.
Her beautiful cousin, so regal and clever, a 16-year-old engaged to be married to her childhood sweetheart, with long frosty-pink hair and eyes of liquid gold. She made the unfortunate mistake of crossing an Uchiha guard's path, and he callously struck her down with no remorse.
Sakura had witnessed the whole thing, staring in horror as her screams stopped when her head hit the ground, eyes wide open and staring up into her face, her own contorted in terror. Her mother quickly pulled her away from the scene, afraid to be identified as the girl's family and jailed, and Sakura had wept bitter tears all the way home.
Frustration and anger swirled together in her chest, a toxic combination that fueled her spite against the capital. She'd lost everything: her father's position at the castle, her cousin, and her unborn brother - and even her friends were growing busier and busier, having no time for a no-name clan girl whose only luxury was the beautiful dresses her mother created. Even Sasuke and Naruto didn't speak much to her these days, and that was the realization that pushed her off the edge and plunging into her hopelessness.
"Nothing will do much good," she thought in despair. "Especially now that I've talked to Ayame-sama..."
Deep down, she mourned what she was going to do. She hated herself for ever thinking of burdening her already-weary parents all the more. She hated that she was going to thrust the 'death' of their only living child on their already heavily-laden shoulders, but she couldn't see a future for herself in the capital with them. Not with all of the ghosts that clung to her ankles and dragged her down into the water too.
Kaede, they were going to name the baby. Mostly for the anticipated birth in early autumn, partly because of her mother's favorite tree. No matter the gender, the baby would have been born to a loving, doting family.
"That was the worst part," she mused. "It would have been more karmic for an abusive household to miscarry, but we would have loved that baby with all we had. It's not fair."
Of course she was still bitter. She was bitter at the world for taking her sibling away from her so quickly. She was bitter at Sasuke's family for taking away her closest friend, her cousin Eiko, so callously. She was bitter at the fact that their family was poor, even after serving the king from Sakura's birth until 12th birthday. She was bitter that someone who she considered a good friend always had to battle with her over who would be the prince's bride one day. Of course most of the time it felt good-natured; at the end of the day, Ino never treated her harshly for it. But there were times when their light teasing grew too heavy and heated exchanges were had between the two. Those were nights that she truly thought to herself, is it worth it? Is a high-ranking life all it's cracked up to be if you fight with even your best friends over something so trivial?
"You win, Ino," she thought wryly, "he's all yours after today. Chase him all you want."
She was done playing games. She was done dreaming of a better life, all the while she was spending her nights crying herself to sleep because of the lot she'd drawn. She was done trying to be a Cinderella in a world where fairytale endings didn't exist. She was determined to be a warrior like Tenten, a girl who forged her own path and chose her own destiny. She would be no caged canary this time.
"Sasuke won't even miss me," she had told herself over and over again, mostly in a bitter anger. "All those years spent with him and Naruto in the palace didn't mean a damn thing. He'll probably celebrate my passing, if his parents thought so little of Eiko's death… if he wouldn't even bother contacting me about our loss."
Of course, soon after, she would chide herself for those thoughts. Of course Sasuke would miss her, she reasoned. Of course he'd mourn the death of a childhood friend. Of course he cared. Even though they never spoke anymore, of course he still thought about her. Even though she never talked with him or Naruto anymore, of course he would worry about her. After all, she'd confessed her love for him once upon a time ago, back when they were children. Of course he'd honor her.
"Don't be so damned naïve, Sakura," she scoffed to herself. "He could've stayed in contact if he wanted. He could've sent me letters, asking about my family and how life was going. He could've sent Naruto as a secret messenger to figure out what's going on. But he didn't. If he hasn't forgotten about me, he probably hates me."
The little family got to Morino late in the night, when the moon was high above the sleepy little village. Sakura was exhausted, tripping over her own feet, but her father consoled her, reminding all of them that their destination was so close.
Sakura had excused herself for a little bit to find a place in the bushes to relieve herself after the long journey. When she was done, she'd found her parents again and had stopped short at the sight of a cooing bundle in their arms. An infant in a ratty gray blanket, their pale fists swinging back and forth as her mother looked down at them with breathless awe in her eyes.
Her breath had caught in her throat and had manifested the pain as rising tears when her mother had caught her eye, her own eyes glistening.
"Sakura, you'll never believe what has happened," she'd breathed, showing her the baby's face. "Meet your adopted brother, Arata."
Not Kaede, her mind snarked, but Arata. Fresh beginnings. How damn ironic.
"But- but I thought-" she stammered, her heart pounding with hurt at the sight. The baby her mother had lost, replaced with someone else's son..
"We met this sweet young woman who just couldn't take him," her mother explained giddily. "Oh, Sakura, isn't it wonderful? You'll finally get to have a baby brother. Just like you wanted, right? We can finally expand our family."
"No." Her voice even surprised herself, especially the intensity behind it. Her mother stepped back, stunned and hurt, and her father looked appalled as she repeated it. "No."
"Sakura, I know it still hurts," her father consoled, moving closer to her. "But this is hurting us more than you. This is our last chance to have a baby, don't you want that?"
Not like this! Her mind screamed. The tears dribbled down her face, frustrated and panicked, and she whirled around and broke into a run. Never like this!
Her dreams of blue bassinets and homemade mobiles was crushed, replaced with a brown-haired baby with wide coal eyes, his regal features a slap in the face compared to the plain, beautiful blond brother she'd always imagined. This was no Haruno. This was a clan baby, one that she refused to accept in her blinding veil of hurt.
Her father called after her, but she wouldn't listen. She just kept running through the trees, watery eyes blurring her vision and the sounds of her heart pounding and her own gasping breaths drowning out the forest ambience.
Once her knees gave out and she fell to the grass, her lungs begging for air, she threw her head back and wailed.
She wept, slamming her fists against the ground. Her pain escaped her in the form of shouting sobs and loud hiccupping as she ripped flowers from the grass, their soft blue petals reminding her so much of her broken daydreams. For a brief few seconds of clarity, she worried that someone would come to investigate the noise she was making, but no one did.
She cried for hours, not caring if anyone heard her screams. She wept and wept, both for the infant sibling she never got to meet and for the one her parents had adopted.
Of course she could never hate the child. He was just an innocent baby, born into a cruel world of hate and anger. He would never compare to the sibling she'd lost, however, and even thinking of taking in someone else's child while the grief was so fresh felt just wrong. Perhaps she was being a selfish brat, but she could not imagine sharing her world with this impostor right now. Not when he reminded her so much of the guards back home, not when he had the same regal face-type that she'd seen every single week of her childhood. She wanted comfort. She wanted Kaede.
Uchiha, her mind hissed. That baby looks like an Uchiha.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she blubbered to no one, ripping up whole handfuls of grass in her sorrow. The impact of what she would do wrenched her heart in two and kept her there, kept her tears flowing, kept her prisoner in her own self-loathing. "Please, forgive me..."
Why had she decided to leave her parents down a child? Why did she ever think such a decision wouldn't hurt this much?
"What have I done?" Her mind despaired. "Why have I been so damned selfish?!"
She lay there on the forest floor, hiccupping and sniffling, too ashamed of her fit of jealous anger to return to her parents, until she was found by Hinoki, the kind medic who had healed her upon their first meeting. Hinoki took her to Tsunade's camp, cleaned her up, let her finish crying into her chest, and got her a place to sleep until early the next morning. The woman was much thinner now, her own eyes exhausted and sullen, as if she'd just given up a great burden herself.
She had wanted to spend the whole night sitting up by herself, but the Shizune had managed to persuade her to fall asleep sometime in the early hours before dawn. She slept fitfully that morning, having nightmares of her home being burnt to the ground and Arata being taken away in a haze of familiar flame, screams startling her awake as she cried out in her own panic. She fully awoke later that morning in a cold sweat with crimson eyes imprinted at the back of her lids, and Shizune had to calm her down with breathing exercises before she had another panic attack.
Sakura's mood was even lower in the morning. Her emotions were muted, and she just stared blankly at everyone who bade her a good morning. Even Karin, the nice newer recruit they'd garnered from the outskirts of Fire, wasn't of much help to get her to smile. Tsunade had gotten her to spill her guts the night before and just paid her extra mind, being abnormally gentle around her until they were able to get going. It almost felt awkward, like the woman couldn't figure out how to properly comfort her, but she didn't care. Tsunade was naturally blunt, or so the others had told her before, and she believed it, especially when her mood changed and she went back to treating her how she usually did, in a detached way that felt more natural and comfortable to the young teenager. Secretly, she was grateful that the older woman wasn't going to keep babying her like how some of the others were.
They made their way to the outskirts of Morino, early enough that no one paid them any mind. Tsunade kept an eye out for the royal troop, and soon enough, she spotted them.
She gave hushed instructions to Troop Nine on what to do, and as soon as they were in place, they lit the first match.
The explosives went off, rattling the buildings and echoing in the air. Of course they weren't created to harm, merely alert the guards so that they could swoop in. The panicked screams of the civilians made Sakura's eyes burn with tears. She noticed her own parents scrambling for shelter among them, her new adopted baby brother wailing in fear, and she begged Tsunade to make sure they were spared at all costs. She hardly noticed Hinoki's own head rising in alarm at the cries.
She ordered that the safe house that the Harunos were hiding within was not to be destroyed under any circumstances (and should the soldiers get close, to defend it with their lives), and with that, the war between the rebels and the royal troops began.
Sakura made her way towards where the river was, but for a moment she was in the way of one of the royal soldiers.
She let loose a piercing shriek in surprise as he rose his sword in her direction, scrambling away. She quietly cursed herself for giving herself away, but she kept running, intent on getting it done.
She vaguely heard familiar voices shouting her name, but she knelt in the river, the cold seeping into her bones, and shakily gripped her own throat.
The faces of her loved ones flashed before her mind's eye. Her mother and father. Eiko. Her friends. Sasuke.
A single tear rolled down her cheek and she wrapped her hands around her neck and squeezed. Tighter and tighter and tighter she gripped until she was choking on her own saliva and she could barely breathe. Something about the pain seemed... releasing, somehow. As if she were atoning for the sins she had committed. She began to cry, her head dizzy and light, but she didn't dare stop. She knew it was fucked up, but in the moment, it felt right. Not even the slight sting of rocks against her bare knees nor the bleeding scrapes on her ankles would make her stop, nor the impending threat of asphyxiation.
She gasped softly for air as her vision darkened for a second, and she let go and gagged. Her clothing was already ripped from her trip through the brush the night before, and so, with her knees stinging from the sharp rocks and her neck a disgusting shade of purple and black, she choked out a "Goodbye" and plunged herself into the river with a painful belly-flop. Her scrapes screamed in pain, but she held her tongue, her tears silently hitting the rippling water.
She did her best to keep as still as possible, head enough to the side so that she didn't have to hold her breath, as she floated lazily down, making herself totally limp.
Soon enough, to her horror, she heard Sasuke's voice shouting her name.
"Sakura! Sakura, where are you?!"
"No... he- he isn't supposed to see this!"
When she heard his footsteps crunching closer, her heart ached as she heard him gasp.
"Sasuke... please, run away!"
A thud - he'd probably fallen to his knees on the rocks.
"DON'T STAY HERE! DON'T LOOK AT ME!"
"No. No. No. No." She heard him mumbling. "No."
After a moment of only his shallow breathing, she heard him shriek, a sound that broke her heart. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Stay still," she heard the sudden hissed voice of one of their soldiers. "Prince Uchiha Sasuke, you are hereby under arrest under the orders of the Flower!"
"NOOOOOO!" He continued to scream. Sakura felt tears dribbling down her face, and she had to try her hardest not to begin to whimper aloud at the broken voice of the boy she loved.
"Shit, his eyes! Ayame-sama!" The agent yelled. "He's going into the red!"
She allowed herself one muted sob when she heard him cry, "SAAAAAAAAAAAKUUURAAAAAAAA!"
Only after he screamed did she hear another thud, and his voice stopped.
At that point, she couldn't hold in her trembling. Her limbs shook, rippling the water as her back began to heave in and out.
"Sakura, it's all clear," Shizune's voice was comforting as she was pulled out of the water. "Dear dear, you really did a number on yourself. Don't worry, you're safe now."
She opened her eyes through the water in her vision and began to bawl harder than ever before for the second time in 24 hours, curling into the soldier's chest next to the unconscious body of someone she'd loved. Her shrieks echoed around the carnage, even as Tsunade caught her in her warm arms, getting little blotches of blood on her cloak as the little thirteen-year-old girl wept bitterly into her warmth.
"I'm so sorry, Sasuke. I'm no better than your brother."
They kept him sedated in camp for two days, and Sakura spent most of her time with him, looking over him with a sullen aura about her. She cried and pleaded with Tsunade to spare him, to give him back to the king with no problems.
Tsunade had reassured her that he would be returned in one piece, just as soon as the king agreed to a truce between them to leave Morino alone. So far, he hadn't responded, but she knew he would if it was his son on the line.
Finally, on the morning of the second day, the king relented and promised to leave Morino out of the capital's raids. A small company of rebels brought the young prince to the drop-off point and Sakura sat with him while they waited, brushing her fingers through his hair.
"Sasuke, please stay on the side of good," she pleaded to his unconscious form. "I know you have a kind heart. Please don't give in to the darkness inside you. No matter what happens, you need to stay hopeful."
She gently planted a kiss on his forehead, her tears dripping onto his skin. "I care about you so much I can't stand it," she whimpered, pressing her forehead to his. "Please don't hate me for what I've done. I'm so sorry I can't stay with you. Please don't hate me... I'm sorry..."
Sasuke moved slightly, his bangs falling into his face as she spoke.
"Please take care of Naruto while I'm gone. I…" she hesitated. "I lo-"
"Sakura, we need to go," Tsunade gently cut in, placing her hand on her shoulder.
She looked up and nodded, sniffling and wiping her eyes. Some color was coming back to his cheeks and he was beginning to stir. "Sasuke, I… I'll miss you. So, so much. Goodbye."
She stood, brushing the dirt from her knees, and turned away, grabbing Tsunade's hand as they left. She glanced back to see the king rushing in with a company of soldiers, and the anguished, yet relieved expression on his face as he picked up his youngest son, plus the confusion and relief in Sasuke's face as his eyelids fluttered open, made fresh tears spring up in her eyes.
That night was harder than the last. As they left Morino and set up camp in the forest, she cried herself to sleep, the guilt of abandoning her friends seeping into every crevice of her body in white-hot agony.
A/N: Please tell me what you thought.
