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I do not own anything by Gaston Leroux, Susan Kay or Andrew Lloyd Webber, everything else is my own work.

Cancan Conundrums

"What am I wearing?" Christine reiterated looking down at her attire, "my rehearsal attire of course, since I have to learn at least the final dance of the performance as I do become a bacchanalia at the end of the operetta." She replied.

Erik mused for a moment, "Ah yes! The notorious Galop Infernal," he responded, before screwing his eyes up under his mask, "However I hate Purple on you!" Erik complained, as Madame Giry made her way onto the main stage.

"Be that as it may, the final scene involves Bacchus and his ladies," Madame announced, Bacchus and the purple of grapes go together very well, and Bernadette and I have worked long and hard to ensure the costumes fit the scene perfectly!" she added a raised eyebrow to the stoic expression that clearly brokered no further arguing.

"So, what galop will the ladies be dancing?" Meredith asked eagerly.

"Please Maman?" Meg pleaded.

Madame Giry thought for a moment, "well since one of our biggest Patrons has asked," she mused, "Very well Meg!" Madame informed her eager daughter.

"We are not doing a Galop at all!" Meg declared excitedly.

"Then what type of dance are you doing?" Meredith probed intrigued.

"Le Cancan!" Meg announced proudly.

"What!" Erik barked.

"Why would you dance that here?" Raoul all but yelled. "that is a scandalous dance, where the dancers in seedy music halls show their underwear and other aspects!" he added, before noting Meredith, Meg, Christine, and Madame Giry all looking very old fashioned at him, "Erm… so I have been told by so… some people …I Um know." He added sheepishly.

"Humm yes, I think we need to discuss this later!" Meredith informed her husband, her tone clearly stating that she would be doing the discussing and Raoul would be doing the listening.

"Yes Dear," Raoul answered.

"Le Cancan?" Erik had found his voice again, and at its very tone Christine sighed, and to think that today had started off so well. As Erik started his soliloquy on Le Cancan, Christine let her thoughts drift.

ooo

As a break from the more serious operas the Garnier was famous for; a relatively new production by Offenbach, had been chosen and with it the one aspect of the production, the Corps de Ballet had been looking forward to, the Galop Infernal. Madame Giry having called the older girls to the foyer de la danse to run through. Wearing their new Dancing boots instead of their normal pointe shoes the Corps de ballet were champing at the bit to start. She had decided to put to the galop, a dance she had heard about and then investigated. "Maintaining your grace as well as timing is vital for this dance to flow," she instructed "because of the nature of this dance your costumes will also be supplemented with a pair of drawers with the crotch sewn shut!" she added as she went around and handed each of the Corps a pair of 'dance drawers'. Arriving at where Meg and Christine were sitting Madame Giry came to a grinding halt. "La Jardinier, why are you in Corps rehearsal attire, you do not need to attend this rehearsal?" Madame declared, as Meg and Christine looked expectantly at the pile of drawers hung over Madame's arm.

"Oh, but I insist!" Christine answered demurely, "I feel the need to add this dance to my repertoire, especially since my character becomes a bacchanalia at the end of the opera." She added.

Madame Giry sighed and gave up. Handing a pair of drawers to both Christine and then Meg she turned to address the rest of the corps, "Now originally this dance was a galop, but I want to add something to really bring the dancing to the fore especially as the ending is supposed to be a complete orgy!" Madame Giry started, as the ladies around her giggled, "I have no doubt some of you have already experienced the dance I have in mind for this part of the production!" she continued glancing at most of the assembled corps, so I am more than confident that you will all be able to perform this with the limited time we have before the opening night!" she added, before taking a breath and continuing.

"The galop is in marching time and at 160 beats per minute!" Madame Giry informed everyone, whist still glaring at Meg and Christine for chatting. "So, the dance I have in mind is perfect for the piece," she continued, "I have no doubt that it will cause a stir, but it will show the Corps versatility in dancing!" she declared proudly, before her face turned serious, "now place your dance drawers on ready to start!" she ordered.

ooo

"I hear your concerns Erik and I have addressed each one before you even knew of the dance being performed!" Madame Giry's controlled yet firm reply snapped Christine from her reverie.

"How?" Erik questioned.

"The Drawers are sewn shut and are worn above a maillot; the costume goes above that, so each lady is appropriately covered." She answered.

"So, my wife will be appropriately attired at all times during the dance?" Erik asked, his tone less foreboding.

"Yes," Madame Giry replied, "Now can we please get back to the rehearsal?" she added.

Erik thought for a moment, "If Christine is happy, then I am happy!" he declared turning to leave.

"Now hang on a moment!" Raoul suddenly declared, "What about this Cancan?"

Erik turned back to face the Vicomte, "What about it?" he asked.

"Surely you are not going to allow your wife to perform such a lewd dance?" Raoul vehemently pointed out, metaphorically climbing upon his soap box, "I mean it is a dance associated with gentleman's clubs and the like!" he added, "hardly a respectable thing to perform here!" he finished.

"This from the man who has seen such performances!" Meredith pointed out.

"Yes, but not at the Opera house!" Raoul remarked, unaware that he had drawn quite the crowd as the Corps de Ballet and most of the backstage staff, as well as the orchestra gathered for an afternoon's worth of entertainment.

Meredith stared at her husband; when had Raoul turned into such a prig! "So, you are saying that ladies who perform this dance are beneath you?" she questioned dangerously.

Raoul replied without thinking, "Of course, that is why I do not think it wise to be danced here!" he replied.

Seconds later a loud slap sound filled the air. "That is for insulting me!" Christine yelled as her right hand started to colour up, Raoul's left cheek was bearing a matching print.

At the same time as Christine was slapping her former fiancé, Erik growled lurching forward before being fielded by a scowling Nadir.

"Punch him later!" Nadir told Erik in Farsi, "too many witnesses!" he added.

The masked man collected himself but remained scowling, "Of course, he has also insulted the fair Delphine!" Erik replied back in the same language, as Nadir grimly nodded.

Madame Giry just stood there an unimpressed, "I find it is unwise to argue with idiots!" she declared hotly, "They bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience. Come Meg!" she barked as mother and daughter turned towards the back of the stage. "Girls we have rehearsals to continue, the show is over!" she yelled as the Corps de Ballet followed her and Meg towards the Foyer de Danse.

"I have a rehearsal to attend," Christine informed Erik and Nadir, before kissing Erik's masked cheek and following behind the rest of the Corps de Ballet, as the backstage staff returned to their work. The orchestra and Monsieur Reyer seemed to vanish into their little room.

Meredith then glared at her errant husband, "Well since certain ladies; who are my friends I might add are 'beneath you', You can presume that by association your wife is also of the same station, therefore, I do not expect you to lower yourself by being seen with me!" she curtly informed him before turning towards the steps taking her back to the rear of the auditorium and the main exit. and she strode off leaving Raoul, with no other witnesses except the two glaring sets of angry eyes trained on him.

"So, it seems I have said something a little inflammatory!" Raoul remarked, nervously wringing his hands.

Nadir and Erik looked at each other, "A little inflammatory he says!" Nadir remarked glibly.

"Only a little?" Erik questioned.

A sudden 'Whump' sound, like a side of steak thrown on a butchers block echoed through the main auditorium, as Raoul staggered back his hand over his right eye.

"Ouch!" Raoul yelped.

"Erik!" Nadir growled at his friend who was rubbing his left fist.

"I have waited a long time to do that, and that was for insulting my wife!" Erik replied before turning to face an annoyed Daroga, "What? You said hit him when there were no witnesses!" Erik pointed out.

"It is not so much your hitting him, but you got there before I did!" Nadir complained, as Raoul, still shocked stared out of his one good eye, at the two men beside him.

"You should not have waited so long! Oh, Procrastinating Persian!" Erik retorted.

"Err excuse me!" Raoul started.

Erik and Nadir both turned to face Raoul "Shut up!" they barked at the same time, before turning to face each other again.

"If you feel that strongly punch his other eye!" Erik unhelpfully pointed out, as Raoul stood there like a spare part.

"Look I really…" Raoul started.

"Did we not just tell you to shut up!" Nadir and Erik both interrupted him once more, before returning to their current bickering match.

"I am not going to just punch his other eye!" Nadir declared, "Unlike you I do not just hit people on a whim!" he added.

"You just complained that I hit him first, and that you wanted to!" Erik protested.

Raoul decided that is was most likely safer to just quietly leave Erik and Nadir to their argument; before he got punched again.

ooo

After furtively exiting the opera house, Raoul got quite a shock, his carriage was not where he had left it, thankfully his valet Louis was standing just outside the opera house smoking a cheroot and waiting calmly for his boss.

"Sir, Madame Vicomtess has taken the carriage," Louis informed the puzzled Vicomte, as he dropped his half smoked cheroot on the ground and stamped it out with his foot.

"What are you doing here?" Raoul asked, still looking around for his carriage, and now holding his hand over his swollen and rapidly blackening eye.

Louis sighed; this was going to be a long day. "Sir, I rode in from the chateau to procure you more handkerchiefs, since the tailor forgot to send them with your summer outfits," he informed the Vicomte, "I saw the carriage and stopped for a moment to converse with your driver, when the Vicomtess came storming out of the opera house," he continued.

"That is all well and good, but I cannot stand here with a swollen eye!" Raoul complained, "Everyone will wonder what I have done!" he whined.

"Sir, I think that everyone will realise that you have upset your wife!" Louis retorted, before taking some pity with his beleaguered boss. "However, I think that we would be best served by heading to the town house and making use of the skeleton staff there." He added, before turning to locate his horse which was hitched to a railing nearby.

"I have done more than just upset my wife," Raoul muttered as he turned towards the horse and Louis. "I have most likely managed to offend every real friend I have ever had!" he mumbled as he mounted the horse followed by Louis climbing up behind him.

ooo

Meredith had not gone far; in fact, she had taken the carriage, and had it drive her to the back of the opera house. Finding a comfortable position to stand in, Meredith waited by Madame Giry's front door for the ballet mistress to arrive home after the rehearsal.

"Meredith!" Madame Giry called as she reached her front door, "Can I help you?" Madame asked as she opened the door and ushered her guest in.

"I would so like to apologise for my stupid husbands ill conceived words!" Meredith declared as both ladies entered the parlour.

"Meredith you have nothing to apologise for!" Madame Giry pointed out, "as for your errant husband, well, him I am not so sure about." She added, "Tea?"

"Yes please," Meredith replied, as the front door opened once more, and Meg and Christine entered.

ooo

Over the course of the next half an hour the ladies grumbled and plotted regarding what to do about Raoul, laughing when Meredith informed the others about hijacking the carriage and leaving Raoul without transport.

"So, what do you think he is going to do?" Meg asked as she wiped tears of mirth from her eyes.

Well when I exited the opera house; his valet Louis was beside the carriage chatting to our driver," Meredith said, "So I told him what happened, and all he could do was put his head in his hands and groan." She added taking a sip of her tea before continuing, "I did instruct him not to return that idiot to my sight until he had apologised, and that Louis should inform him that all marital activities are off until Raoul has learnt his lesson!" she finished.

"I like that thought," Meg declared, "kick him right where it hurts!" she said laughing again.

"Oh, please believe me, if there were not so many witnesses, that is exactly what I would have done!" Meredith declared as all four ladies laughed.

ooo

Erik and Nadir had finished bickering and were currently ensconced in Erik's sitting room discussing their own thoughts regarding the patronising Patron.

"Okay so I did want to hit him first!" Nadir grumbled as Erik handed him a generous brandy.

"I for one cannot blame you," Erik replied as he poured himself a drink.

"So, what are we going to do?" Nadir asked, "I cannot leave him with only a black eye for insulting our fair ladies honour!" he declared.

Erik grinned evilly, "I personally think our ladies fair will be far less forgiving than you think, and rather more vicious that you and I could ever be even on a bad day,"

Nadir thought for a moment then nodded and took a generous swig of his brandy, "he really is going to regret this, is he not" he remarked with a smirk.

"If he does not apologise to all the ladies very soon, more than he thinks is ever possible." Erik replied chuckling evilly.

"You know, I almost feel sorry for him!" Nadir added as he joined Erik in an evil laugh.

ooo

Meanwhile at the de Chagny town house, Raoul was lying down on the chaise in his study wearing a fetching filet de boeuf on his now very swollen and rainbow coloured right eye, whilst explaining exactly what occurred that resulted in the afore mentioned affliction.

"So, let me summarise what you have just told me." Louis responded rubbing his temples in frustration at his boss's ridiculous behaviour. "You effectively called the Prima Donna of the opera house a loose woman, claimed that every woman who danced the cancan was frivolous and cannot figure out why the very respected ballet mistress called you an idiot and the husband of said Prima Donna thumped you!" Louis pointed out.

"I thought that at least Nadir Khan would be more supportive!" Raoul mumbled.

"Sir, if I may be so bold…" Louis started, "Is Monsieur Khan not engaged to a former top burlesque dancer?" he asked cautiously.

Raoul groaned, "Oh god, I forgot that he was engaged to Delphine Bonheur," he moaned, "How am I to sort this out?" he wailed, "Even my wife has banned me from her presence for insulting our friends." Raoul added.

Louis refused to join the pity party his boss was creating, and with a huff he decided that brutal honesty was the only way forward. "Quite frankly Sir, you have been very ridiculous, thoughtless and honestly very rude to people who were your friends." Louis told his boss.

Raoul sighed and nodded, he realised at the honest opinion of his valet, he had been insufferable, Louis was right, "I know, all I actually wanted to say was I did not think the cancan was a dance suitable for the stage of the Garnier, but it did not come out that way." He grimaced; "how do I apologise for such an insult?" he asked.

"Grovelling sir," Louis replied unphased, "Lots and lots and LOTS of grovelling."

ooo

At the opera house Erik and Nadir had joined the ladies at Madame Giry's and were just accepting a cup of tea each from her when a very nervous knock at her front door halted conversation.

"Meg hand round the chocolates and do not keep them all for yourself!" Madame ordered, "I am going to see what that insipid knock is." She added leaving the parlour and making her way down to the front door.

The knock came again, obviously who ever it was, was not going away. Madame Giry huffed as she opened the door and found an extremely nervous and penitent looking patron on her doorstep.

"What do you want?" she questioned, as Raoul stood shaking with fear in front of her.

"Please may I apologise!" Raoul begged, "I have been such a insufferable arse!" he pleaded.

Madame Giry eyed him unimpressed, but relented, "Very well but I am not going to let my cup of tea go cold for you!" she declared, turning on her heel and leaving Raoul to enter the door, shut it and follow her.

Raoul was used to people staring at him, it was in his mind just a part of being a Vicomte, but nothing prepared him for the angry stares he received as he entered Madame's Parlour. He did the only thing he could and threw himself on the floor on his knees and on the mercy of the people he hoped to call friends… and his wife.

The silence was deafening as Raoul cleared his throat and did something an aristocrat never normally did, he started to sincerely apologise.

"I have been beyond the most insufferable arse, and I was wrong, very wrong, I have offended you all, and worse I called into question the honour of some of the most propriatous ladies I have ever had the opportunity to meet." He grovelled, "I humbly throw myself on all your mercies and beg your forgiveness." He pleaded.

The silence that followed was worse than when he first entered, and Raoul started to sweat with nerves, had he really gone too far this time? A few moments passed before Meredith spoke.

"It is not my place to forgive you, and the hurt you caused has been keenly felt." She told her begging husband, before turning to Erik and Nadir, "Gentlemen, could you escort him outside of this apartment for a few moments whilst the ladies converse?" she asked, "Just no more black eyes please!" she added, noting the stunning example Raoul already wore.

Erik stood up followed by Nadir and before he knew what was happening, Raoul found himself lifted off the floor and man handled out of the apartment by them.

ooo

As the snick of the front door catch reached to ears of the ladies in the Parlour, Meredith sighed, "I know he has been stupid, but I felt so mean," she remarked.

"It is just thankful that none of us are actually horrifically insulted by what he said." Christine replied calmly.

"For that I am grateful," Meredith stated, "but I think that it is going to take a few weeks for that black eye to fade."

"Well ladies are we sticking to the agreed plan?" Madame Giry enquired, taking a sip of her tea.

"Well I think he has learnt his lesson," Meg interjected, grabbing another chocolate from the plate before her mother removed it from her grasp.

"My husband is foolish and does not always think before he opens his mouth, but he is not a mean person, I feel that an Erik created black eye and what we discussed will be sufficient," Meredith stated.

"It worked for Jean, and I think it is fitting in this circumstance also," Christine remarked placing her empty teacup back on its saucer.

Madame Giry had just placed the plate containing the remaining chocolates back on the table and was about to refresh the tea pot when the three men reappeared in the parlour.

Raoul looked like he was heading to the gallows as he entered ahead of Erik and Nadir. He took up his position on the floor on his knees as Erik and Nadir resumed their seats and waited for the judgement...

ooo

The following morning, Raoul really knew the meaning of penitence. It was only half past nine and he had been at this since seven, his lungs were fit to burst, and his legs felt like they were made of lead, also the sniggers from the two shadows watching his abject humiliation were pouring more embarrassment on him.

"Seriously, you call that a grand battement?" Madame yelled at the flagging Vicomte banging her cane on the floor, "I have seen better from the youngest dancers in the ballet school!" she scolded, before turning to the two shapes sitting on chairs in one corner sniggering, "You two are not helping!" she barked.

Erik and Nadir ceased sniggering, "Sorry!" they both intoned fighting to keep their faces straight.

Madame Giry took a deep breath and focussed on her lone dance student, "Before this day is over you will be dancing this well enough that you will be joining the main practice tomorrow, or so help me!" she growled as Raoul flinched.

"From the top!" she barked as Raoul tried to place a smile on his face and kick his leg as high as it would go, his brain and body made a mental threat to his mouth to never fire off opinions without thinking about them first, ever again.