A/N: Beware for angst ahoy! Trigger warning for about the same things in Sakura's Side: save for the suicidal thoughts, this covers corpses and blood. Plus a little bit of Sasuke's trauma/depression from that.
Also, congrats, you guys! We're officially at the halfway point! It's all downhill from here.
After a night of tossing and turning, sleep evading him at every turn, Sasuke finally rose in the early hours of the next morning and went to Shien's door.
He hesitated for a few moments, lingering there, before finally taking a deep breath and knocking.
He heard muffled mumbles from inside and shifting around before he heard her soft footsteps approaching. His heart began to race with every tense second he stood there, his hands clenched into fists, until finally she opened the door.
Shien seemed to have just awoken (and that definitely didn't help his guilt at bothering her), her hair tousled and unruly, yawning into her hand as she fiddled with the belt of her mint robe.
"Sasuke, what's-" she yawned again, "-up?"
"Can I… speak to you?" He quietly asked. "I have some things that I need to get off of my chest."
She appeared briefly surprised before she opened the door wider. "Of… of course, come in."
He mumbled a thanks and followed her in, his brow furrowed, his expression stormy.
Awkwardly, she pulled her blankets up and gestured to the bed, and he sat down on the side with her.
He rested his hands on his knees and looked into her face. "I'm sorry."
"Sorry? For what?" She questioned, rubbing her eyes.
"For… for being so cold to you." He dipped his head. "I admit that I haven't been the friendliest lately. To defend myself, I must say that it's how I've been raised to be, and anything else… is awkward, and troublesome for me to grasp. I've never been the best with social interactions, much less with someone like you."
Shien wrinkled her nose. "Should I be offended at that statement?"
"No!" Sasuke's head shot up, his hands raising in defense. "I- I mean, you're- you're not… like any of them. You're genuine. I feel like you're more trustworthy than anyone in my father's circle that I've had to deal with."
The pinkette thought it over for a moment before nodding slowly. "I… guess that makes sense. Sorry, continue."
"I have a really hard time with people," he reflected, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together. "I just… can't trust. Not easily. It takes me a long time before I can actually relax enough to speak normally with them. I… I guess part of it is a coping mechanism. When my brother left, I kind of… shut down. Badly."
He swallowed, and she noticed that his eyes were growing misty. She rested a hand on his shoulder in sympathy.
"Itachi… he was my everything." He let out a long, shuddery sigh. When she gently squeezed his shoulder, he continued, "I idolized him. He was everything I aspired to be. Even more than my father. He was… he was just so amazing at everything he did. He was a shoo-in for king if I've ever seen one. Everyone agreed that he would be the one to usher in a new era of total peace for Fire."
"And then when I was about six, our cousin Shisui went missing." His charcoal stare was steely as he stared at the stone floor. "Out of everyone, he was Itachi's best friend. They were so close, sometimes I'd get a little jealous that he took so much of his attention away from me." He chuckled mirthlessly. "Itachi was devastated. He begged our father to do everything he could to look for him. At first Father was insistent, but… I guess he changed his mind."
His hands tightened their grip on each other. "I was soon announced as the crown prince and Itachi was given my original role as military general. And Father… Father started acting like Shisui never existed at all."
Shien's lips parted.
"He was… so, so devastated. And angry. Almost every night I caught him in the chapel praying that he would find him." He closed his eyes, his lips trembling. "Until then, I'd never seen my big brother cry anymore."
Sasuke let out another shuddering breath.
"Sasuke…" she crooned, shifting closer so that she could rest a hand on his arm.
"This is… embarrassing," he huffed, wiping his eyes with his knuckles. "Every time I talk about him, I just…"
"He was someone you loved dearly, it's perfectly okay to cry." She shook her head. "I understand."
"Everyone I love keeps disappearing," he said, swallowing wetly. "Itachi… Shisui… and then one of my closest friends died."
She had a sinking feeling she knew where this was going.
"When I was eleven, almost twelve…" his eyes got a faraway look, and he stared at the wall with a hint of a frown. "My childhood friend… Sakura passed away."
It was a beautiful, warm day in early May.
Sasuke glanced around as he rode his horse, taking in the beautiful scenery. He took a deep breath of fresh forest air and smiled to himself. The birds were singing, summer was on its way, and this latest trip with his father was going to be a great one.
Not only would he be visiting Morino, a place where he had a few childhood friends, but he was actually going to be able to sit in on an actual meeting with the leader of the village to figure out what they should do about a growing rebel group!
"My first council meeting away from the castle, with an actual village leader," he thought to himself gleefully. "Not only that, but seeing Hasu and the others will be awesome!"
He turned to look at Naruto, who rode next to him. The blond boy grinned back at him.
"Aren't you pumped?" Naruto asked, bouncing in his saddle. "I'm excited to see the others again!"
"Right?" The boy agreed with a smile. "It's been far too long since we've visited. I wonder if Gina's older sister got married yet."
"Bleh, who cares about marriage yet?" The boy made a face, sticking out his tongue. "Girls are weird. You aren't ever gonna get married, are you?"
"Not right now," the prince admitted, softly biting his lip. "I mean, I'm technically second-in-line for the throne, or so Father says. Maybe one day I'll marry a high-society girl and be the ruler of some far-off country."
"I wonder if your dad would ever betroth you to Gaara's older sister!" Naruto snickered. "Nah, she's mean."
Sasuke laughed along with him. "Yeah, that'd be weird! Doesn't she hate us or something?"
"You boys stay alert," Fugaku admonished with a smile at their antics. "The road to Morino isn't as safe as it used to be."
"Yes, Father," Sasuke obediently replied. Naruto just groaned.
"Don't sweat it, Uncle! I'm sure nothin's gonna happen this time." Naruto insisted.
"Even though you said that last time," Sasuke reminded.
"And the time before that," Fugaku added, a playful twinkle in his eye.
"Wha? Just because it happened before don't mean it's gonna happen again!" Naruto grumbled.
Sasuke and his father just laughed. After a moment of pouting, Naruto joined in.
When the group had finally arrived at Morino early in the morning, Naruto and Sasuke jumped off of their horses and barely managed to tie them to a post before running off to greet their friends.
The village leader's children, Hasu and his six-year-old brother Jun, greeted them happily. Sasuke bade the village leader a polite hello before running into Hasu's room.
As the third-youngest of seven children, Hasu didn't have a grandiose room. He shared his with his younger twin brother Isamu.
The eldest, Hajime, who'd just turned eighteen, greeted the boys by snatching up Naruto and giving him a noogie.
"Hey, hey, lemme go!" Naruto cried, laughing as the teenager rubbed his head.
"Good that you visited, squirt!" Hajime cried. "I can finally get my revenge upon you!"
"If it's for last time, I already said I was sorry!" Naruto replied.
"Sorry won't cut it this time, young man!"
Sasuke watched with amusement as the two battled in the hallway. As usual, Hajime had the upper hand over the tinier, skinnier blond, but Naruto proved to be formidable in his attack.
Suddenly, the boys' mother popped her head around the corner with a disapproving frown, a ten-year-old girl standing behind her with a curious stare. "Hajime, aren't you supposed to be getting ready for that meeting with your father?"
Immediately, he dropped Naruto, and with a nod and a "Sorry, Mother," he excused himself from the boys with a sheepish, "I promise we'll play later."
For some reason, he had the strangest look in his eye. It was almost as if he was anticipating something to happen, now that Sasuke reflected on it six years later. As if he knew what was going to happen in only a short hour, something he just couldn't look the young prince in the eye for. It only made the following deaths of the village leader's whole family feel a little better, but Sasuke still felt horribly guilty for the younger ones when he learned of it.
Sasuke watched him go in surprise. "I didn't know Hajime was so..."
"Grown up?" Hasu finished for him, wrinkling his nose. At the answering nod, he sighed, "Yeah, Ma's had him busy ever since his birthday last winter. He never has time to play with us anymore. I mean heck, even Jirou still plays 'Warrior' with us, and he's almost eighteen too."
"Wow," Sasuke managed to utter. Then he shook his head, turning to face the brothers. "So has your room changed much?"
A while later, Sasuke had bade the brothers goodbye and he and Naruto had dressed up to go to the meeting with the king.
"I'm so nervous," Naruto admitted, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet. "What if something really does happen this time?"
"For your sake, I hope you were right in saying we'll be fine," Sasuke replied, shooting him a tiny glare.
The boys made their way into the meeting hall, where the king was already seated with two empty seats beside him.
"Good timing, boys," he greeted them, patting the armrest of the chair. "Have a seat. The meeting will begin shortly, just as soon as Isao and his eldest get here."
Sasuke nodded primly and took his chair, folding his hands in his lap to appear more grown-up. Naruto sat right beside him, resting his chin in his hand, bored.
Somewhere during the excruciatingly-long ten-minute or so wait, Naruto leaned in with a frown. "Didn't something about Hajime seem... off somehow?"
"Like what?" Sasuke asked, his brow wrinkling in confusion. "Like how he avoided my eyes?"
"Yeah, like... like how I used to look at your mom when we'd slide down the banisters," the blond replied. "I dunno... if you ask me, it kinda reminds me of the way your cousin looked before the explosion at-"
Only seconds afterward, the sound of an explosion shook the building, along with the sound of people shrieking in panic.
Sasuke and Naruto jumped in fear, while Fugaku pushed his chair back and turned to look out the open doorway.
"Children, stay here," he ordered. "Men, come with me!"
One by one, he and his soldiers left the meeting hall, leaving the confused, terrified preteens huddled together underneath the table.
"Sasuke, I'm scared," Naruto whimpered, tears threatening to fall from his eyes. He held his friend tighter. "I- I don't wanna die! Not like Mom and Pops did!"
"We'll be fine, Naruto," Sasuke promised, but deep inside he felt frustrated at how helpless they were in that moment. He could only hug Naruto tighter as explosions continued to rattle the village. The sound of people screaming, the sound of horses whinnying... he clenched his eyes shut for a few moments to try and block it out in vain.
Suddenly, his eyes snapped wide open and he heard a familiar voice among the crowd screaming. A voice he hadn't heard in a while, but one that still resonated within his mind as her.
"Sakura!" He shouted, rising up and accidentally slamming his head against the bottom of the table. "Ahh- crap-"
"Sakura? She's here?" Naruto asked, wide blue eyes alert. "Oh no-"
"Stay here, I'll see if I can find her." Sasuke ordered, crawling out from underneath the table as the pain subsided somewhat. "I'm sure Father's sending soldiers back at this very moment to protect you. Don't move! I'll be back once I get her!"
With that, the prince raced out of the building, dodging kunai knives and the occasional arrow.
"Sakura!" He screamed, trying to see through the commotion of dust kicked up by the horses. "Sakura, where are you? It's me, Sasuke!"
He ran through the village, looking high and low. Between the homes, in alleys, even where the fighting was going on. Still, he didn't see her unforgettable mauve tresses anywhere.
"Sakura!" He called again. His voice was hurting to match the pain from hitting the table, and his legs were growing weary, but he wouldn't stop until he found her. "Sakura!"
Finally, he came to a stop against a building, catching his breath. He still heard the battle, but the villagers had stopped yelling so loud. Now all he heard was the battle cries of his father's army against some kind of terrorist group.
He spotted a house up the road that he hadn't looked around yet. "If there's anywhere else she could be, it'll be there!"
With one careful look around to make sure he wouldn't get hit or trampled, he bolted towards the farmhouse. The peaceful blue of the river near it made him a little calmer for a moment before he remembered his mission.
"Sakura!" He called, looking through the windows. He searched for her through the crop field near the forest's beginning again, but still, nothing.
Just when he was about to give up, though, he heard something. Something that sounded weird.
His ears picked up the sound of water splashing above the usual sounds of the river water going by. He turned, confused, seeing only the calm river, though something felt… wrong.
His heart skipped a beat when he neared it. "No... it couldn't be. J- just a fish."
And then, when his eyes roamed the slow-moving water, time slowed down to a snail's pace. His heart stopped. His mind went totally blank.
The only word his stunned brain could conjure was "N- no..."
The red was what caught his eyes first, along with the pale pink waving between the rocks.
He could only stare at her unmoving body, face-down, her… her pale neck an ugly bouquet of purple and black...
He collapsed to his knees, the tears blurring her body in his vision. "No. No. No."
His body was stuck on that word, a broken record playing over and over, with different intensity every time. " No. No . No ."
He sat there for what seemed like forever, just staring at her body until someone touched his shoulder.
He could smell the familiar scent of blood, mixing with the perfume of lilacs she'd flaunted when they were eight, and that's when the dam snapped.
He clenched his eyes shut, the tears rolling down his cheeks, as he shrieked, " NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !"
He could barely hear someone's voice and felt the sharp prick of the edge of a kunai knife over his anguished wails. His front hit the ground, and he slammed his fist against the rocks, the pain of jagged edges against his hands fading away to the emptiness that was what he felt inside.
"NOOOOOOO!" He continued to scream.
He could hardly register his surroundings going blurrier, flickering from color to monochrome red, and someone shouting over his.
"SAAAAAAAAAAKUUUURAAAAAAAAAAA!" He roared, right before his pounding heart got the better of him and he slumped forward on the rocks, his awareness fading away.
"The next thing I knew, Father was holding me in his arms and I was wrapped in a blanket," Sasuke explained, his tears drying now as he swiped his thumb across his bottom lid. "Apparently I'd over-exerted myself from the grief and I'd been captured by the leader of Riot herself for a couple of days. But… the strange thing is, I don't even remember anything about my brief kidnapping. All I can recall is that I kept smelling Sakura's lilac perfume and I heard her crying for me. I had vivid dreams that I could still feel her near. For months afterward, I kept dreaming of her ghost following me and crying, just as she did then. I kept seeing her everywhere and it was wreaking havoc on my mental state."
He chuckled wryly. "It's almost like she was haunting me from beyond the grave. I couldn't get that scent out of my mind for days after I was rescued. It took me quite a while before I could stand smelling fresh lilacs again."
Shien was very silent.
"I know Naruto hasn't been the same since," he continued dully. "Neither have I. I doubt anyone ever truly got over her loss. Even when Father arranged a match between Hinata and I, there was always this… cloud hanging over us. Something hopeless. Something that we could never truly talk about."
"Even though I didn't love her, Hinata was… she was a good friend. A companion. Without her and Naruto's combined support, I would have been much worse off."
Then his tiny smile dropped. "And… just when I was feeling better, just when I was actually starting to have hope…"
"... She died," she quietly finished.
"Yeah. I guess she did." His gaze hardened.
He paused to wipe his eyes again. "Everyone I love either dies or disappears. It wasn't enough that Hinata disappeared, but now Ino and Shikamaru as well? I feel as if I have no friends left."
Sasuke looked up at her, his eyes suspiciously shiny and his expression one of forlorn desperation.
"What if Naruto left me too?" He questioned. "What if he was targeted and killed? I don't think I could handle it. Out of everyone, I trust him the most. We grew up together. He's practically my brother. Nobody else seems to care anymore, not the way he does."
Her face softened and she reached for his shoulder. "I would never abandon you, Sasuke. I care about you."
His face heated up some, and he had to look away.
"I don't hope to have the same deep bond you have with Naruto, but I do hope to be your friend," she continued.
"That makes it worse," he chuckled weakly. "I… I don't even know what to feel. I've been starting to trust you and it scares me. I've been pulled every direction and even my parents have become people I just can't recognize. I don't even understand my own father anymore. I feel like I've been left behind and I don't want to get hurt again."
"I don't want to hurt you," she reassured with a squeeze. "I want to support you. You and Naruto both. Whatever you need, I want to help you with. I'm glad you've started to trust me, Sasuke, because all I want is to be your friend."
Sasuke looked up again, his eyes noticeably more wet. His mouth curved in a tiny, pained smile.
"Sakura would have liked you immensely," he whispered. "You remind me of her. So much."
"So you've told me before," Shien gently replied.
"I was a fool," he said, rubbing at his eyes again. "I was blind to what I had until it was too late. I only realized that I loved her after I lost her."
She nodded, something strange in her expression as she watched him.
"I don't think I could ever love someone the way I did for her," he admitted with a little sigh. "Even with Hinata, I only accepted the engagement because at least she was a good friend to both Naruto and I who knew at least the basics of court life. Ino would have been my next choice, but even we knew that engagement would have to be a last resort."
Silence hung between them for several tense seconds.
Then Shien spoke up quietly, "... Would you ever want to get married?"
Sasuke thought for a few moments before slowly shaking his head. "I… I don't know. If I'm to be honest… commitment really scares me. It's so easy to choose wrong and suffer the consequences. I know I must, because should I get struck down I would need a proper heir, but… I don't trust anyone enough. I can't trust anyone enough."
His mood only seemed to sour even more. Trying to lighten the atmosphere, Shien nudged him and jokingly said, "Well, whoever you have to pick from, I'll have to give them a thorough background check first!"
To her delight, he actually huffed a laugh at that. Her smile grew as he chuckled, wiping his eyes one last time before turning to look at her.
"I needed this," he confessed. "Thank you for… letting me vent, I suppose."
"I want to see you happy," she replied with something fond and soft in her tone. "I care for you so deeply, Sasuke. Whatever you need, please come to me."
For but a moment, he imagined Naruto's concerned face. He could practically hear his voice. "I wanna see you happy, man. I love you. No homo though, y'know?"
The thought made him chortle again, and he could feel emotion rising in his throat.
Standing from the bed, he nodded to her. "Thank you. I… I'll try to remember that."
A/N: Please tell me what you thought.
