Hello everybody! Here is a quick chapter for ya.
Enjoy!
Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. All grammar mistakes are unfortunately mine.
Chapter 6
"So," I start patiently... or at least I try to. My legs are shaking slightly, so I replace that nervousness with biting my nails. "I...I had another dream."
"Listening," Madam Z says, opening a notebook, ready to use her pen.
I breathe out slowly and start.
"This one started a bit different. It was about my daughter. Or should have been... I think."
"Go on."
"She was beautiful. Is beautiful...well, will be I guess..." Still all so confusing.
"Did she speak to you in this dream?" Madam Z asks politely, yet with a bit of an intrigued tone in her voice.
"We were actually talking about her hair. She had this attitude... sort of reminded me of myself when I was a kid." I smiled fondly.
Madam Z nodded, motioning for me to continue.
"She never liked to repeat herself twice. Combined with her beautiful looks, she looked like a heartbreaker, even as a kid."
"Can you describe her to me?"
A nod. "She had long curly hair. It was very shiny in the sun. Like a vivacious color of fire with a few strands of dark red highlights, but only visible in the sun. Beautiful. And her face? Reminds me so much of myself. My nose, cheekbones, and the eyebrows. Eyes were green though. Well, with a bit of a light blue. Those were her father's eyes, I assume. And the lips? Work of art."
I pause.
"I guess what I liked the most, is the way she called me "mommy". Such a sweet and endearing voice, full of warmth and kindness. Love. Appreciation. Gentleness."
Her hmmms and ahhhs were frequent, writing ever so often in her notebook during my talk. The way she was observing me with every little explanation I gave and every soft smile during, made me anxious and self conscious. Just a little.
Okay,okay,it was more than a little.
"Bella..."
"What?
"Have you noticed the way you describe her, it almost sounds like...you miss her?"
"What do you mean?"
"You keeping referring to her as in the past, as if she's not real...She was, she had.. which I suppose, she is not, well, not yet at least. But for a tiny fraction when you actually let go of that logic, and start to explain through you emotions, you believe wholeheartedly like she is flesh and blood. Alive. A human.
A breath later, she is gone. Like she abandoned you. Left you for something else. Or someone. And now, you are trying to cope with it by being detached, like she never was, or is missing, because she was just a thing of your imagination. She was just a dream, nothing else."
I quickly shake my head. "I don't see it that way."
"Okay. So tell me, how do you see it?" she asked with curiosity in her voice, face void of any emotions.
I sighed. "I don't know. One moment, she was with me, laughing and joking, then, the other, she wasn't. The end."
"I see."
"No, don't pull the "i see" crap on me. You should be the best at this and yet..."
"I'm sorry. But what did you expect Bella? Really...tell me."
"I don't know...I would tell you my crappy dream and you would tell me how crazy it was. Maybe even give me some advice."
"What kind of advice?"
"I don't know."
"I do have something else to say, well, a few things, but you won't like it."
"Can't believe I'm gonna say this but...lay it on me."
She smiles softly. "It's not too harsh, promise."
A sarcastic grin.
Right. Sure.
"I think what is really important for you is to feel in control. To feel powerful in controlling your choices- no matter how small or big- or even your emotions, which is fine. Nothing unusual, really common with human kind, but at some point of your life, you put that importance over everything. When overwhelmed, you like to prefer to deal with this with logistics over emotions. And yes, sometimes that works for people, but not always.
You are afraid to let go, afraid to show people you actually do care, that you are not this supernatural woman who is never sad or depressed. That you are always this sunshine and rainbows and smiles and unicorns.
You don't want to show people just how much you do struggle everyday, how much you can't wait to come home just to finally sit down and cry, ready to fall apart. But it's okay to show people your vulnerability Bella. It's okay to admit that you do miss someone. That you do want what everyone wants.
A husband and maybe even a daughter. A family. A better life for yourself."
"And if I actually find someone, and they reject me anyway?"
"Then you need to realize it was never about you but them." She shrugs. She fucking shrugs.
I grin sarcastically. "It's not me, it's you bullshit. Really?"
She laughs. "If you put it like that, then I guess, yes."
"We really got off the subject, didn't we?"
"Indeed. If you need to continue, go ahead."
"I guess...It's interesting that for so many months I would dream about him, but then, suddenly, little Lizz is the one who came to me in a dream."
"Lizz?"
"Yeah, short for Elizabeth."
"Pretty name."
My smile full is of warmth. "I think so too. Then after a moment, she asked for my help."
"About what?"
"Her dad. To help him, actually."
"Huh." She adds, writing another sentence in her notebook.
"I don't like when you do that. The huh thing. Makes me...nervous." Among other things.
"Apologies. Let me clarify. What do you think she meant?"
"I don't know. She kept clarifying that he needs to be saved because if I don't, she will never be born."
"Interesting. Do you believe in that?"
"I... don't know what to think anymore."
"You seem...distraught. As if you betrayed her even before you got the chance to do so."
I nod timidly. "It's ...scary. I can't put my head around it."
She nods. "Yes it is."
It still amazes me just how much we are talking about it all as if it is actually...real. Sure, on some scale, she is a psychic, and I can't be the only human being going through this spiritual awakening, as she calls it.
Still... it scares me just how much she is actually paying attention to my words instead of humoring me. No, not even that, she actually believes in me. This astounds me on a deep level.
"What if..." I start to speak softly, fear covering my voice, making it shiver just a little bit.
"If..."
"...I finally get the courage to actually try to find him, and then..."
"Get rejected,or worse, get disappointed?"
I don't say anything,but she knows my response already.
A definite yes.
"Bella, people are not perfect- even if they do try to show that daily on the social media, especially the younger generation. Human race has flaws. Every single one of us. They just try to hide them. Everybody does. The only thing you can do, when you're finally ready, is to try. As I see it, there are two types of people that you meet in your life- for a season, which they leave after short period of time, or those you meet that stay with you through out good or bad.
Some are here to teach you beautiful lessons about yourself and life and some are just to make you wiser. But the question I want to ask you to think about today is... in all your dreams you had about him over the months, good and the bad, is it worth it? Is he worthy of you? Are you truly and honestly ready to meet? If you get disappointed... will you run, or, will you stay and try to really meet each other, get to know who you are in this life? Think about it deeply. Just don't go crazy with overthinking, you know...like you usually do."
"Funny. You're a very funny person, you know that?" I ask sarcastically, getting up and taking my coat from the hangar.
She lets out a soft chuckle.
"I've been known to be called that sometimes, yes."
"Well, see you next week, I guess."
"Good, looking forward to it."
Just before I open the door to leave, I ask, "What's your real name?"
"Excuse me?"
"Well, I can't keep calling you madam Z in my head. I need a name, a normal name. I mean, you do know mine after all. My first and last. Would be nice to at least know yours, even if it's fake."
"Jane."
"Jane..." I prompt.
"Doe." A grin.
Right. Fake name it is.
I grin right back.
"Alright. See you next week J."
Thanks for reading!
