Chapter 5

Bella's POV

I ignored everyone and kept my head down, walking directly to class. He must have been following me, because as I sat down he pulled out the chair next to me, doing the same. To my disadvantage, he would likely resume his old schedule, which entailed being in most of my classes. I did not look, but he leaned towards me, and almost beggingly whispered, "Please Bella." His low voice hummed in my ear. The sound of my name off his lips was enticing and reminded me of my dream this morning.

"Please look at me. Please talk to me Bella," he continued. I couldn't ignore his enchanting request, and that fact infuriated me. Doesn't he know its impossible for me to deny him, did he come back just to torment me.

"What do you want!" I spat, keeping my voice low from the eavesdroppers that surrounded us. Our faces held a foot apart from each other, his eyebrows knitted together, and lips pursed thinly. His eyes were more beautiful than my memory gave them justice. Deep, hard pools of liquid gold pleaded with me not to look away and overpowered me with their gravity.

"Are you okay?" He asked with sincerity in his voice. I could feel my eyes pop open and narrow at the same time as his question further enraged me. Was I okay?! What a stupid question. Does he think I've been jollily picking daisies and dancing in parades these last seven months? This must by some big joke to him. Let's play with the silly human.

Before I could give my sarcastic remark, he added, "Do you want me to leave?" Panic pulsed through me. My arm darted out gripping tightly to the front of his shirt, my head shook, and I bellowed, "No."

His feature softened with a slight smile as I blinked in realization of what I just did. With shame, I quickly turned my head back to my notebook and withdrew my arm, but he grabbed my hand and held it firmly between his two marble, ice cold palms. "Bella, I'm so sorry for everything," he cried. "I don't want to hurt you and I promise I will not leave unless you tell me to." I glared at him, horrorstruck. He wants to make promises, I thought, after he's broken so many. I wouldn't fall for it this time.

He went on, "Please give me one chance to explain. If you've moved on. . ." he paused, examining our joined hands, "If I've ruined everything then I understand. I won't bother you anymore." He released his hold and looked down at his palms, sighing. He looked completely dejected, the spark in his eyes vanished and luster of his features faded. It took everything in me not to reach out and comfort him in this depressed state.

Luckily, Mr. Varner entered the room. "Ah, Mr. Cullen, I heard you would be joining us again," he stated while setting his books and papers on the front desk.

Edward adjusted his expression, plastering the charming, good-boy face he always used on the public. The class turned in his direction curious to his reply, "Yes, we didn't find the big city to our liking, especially my mother." That was the story they were telling. They didn't like the big city. I rolled my eyes.

"Well, we're all glad to have you back," Mr. Varner finished and began moving into the lesson.

I tore off the corner of my notebook paper and pushed it towards Edward without looking at him. Two words on the paper read 'At lunch'. I would have to talk to him eventually. I didn't know why he was here or what he wanted to talk about, but his presence disturbed the little peace I've found since his departure. I might as well get it over with. Rip the band-aid off so I can go back to being the pathetic, unwanted human.

It was hard sitting next to him. I did my best to focus on the lesson and not look at him, but the few times I slipped our eyes met. I got the impression he stared at me the entire class. I said nothing to him, with one exception when he tried to carry my books. "Don't" I hissed and quickly snatched them up. I kept my head down as I passed through the doors he held for me, and blatantly ignored him as he walked beside me to other classes. I guess old habits die hard.

I hated him for being here. That he was within my reach, but I couldn't touch him. That I couldn't look at the beautiful face I've chased after these past months, because it pinched my heart forlornly. I hated that I was still madly in love with him but couldn't have him. His presence mocked me.

However, at the same time, a subconscious calm hung over me. I didn't wonder where he was or what he was doing. He was here.

When the bell rang for lunch I snuck away to the bathroom. My mouth felt dry and I splashed my face with water. I was nervous and anxious to talk to him. I was afraid he'd tell me more painful words. That they were only here because of Victoria; that they felt obligated to eliminate the threat before leaving me again. Maybe they were tying up loose ends; wanting to bribe or blackmail me because I knew their secret. Maybe he came back because I broke my promise to take care of myself; Alice has probably seen what I've been up to. I shuttered at the thought of them seeing what I've done. Honestly, anything but the one thing I wanted to hear would cause me pain. I wanted him to still want me.

I analyzed the reflection in the mirror. I had lost weight since he left. My cheekbones were sharp and arms boney. My skin and hair were no longer radiant and dark, heavy bags lay under each eye. I smiled but it was hardly believable. What must he think of me, I thought. I could never stand up to his beauty before and now my appearance was downright pitiful.

With one last breath, I left the bathroom and proceeded to the cafeteria. Edward and Alice sat at a table alone, and the rest of the school gossiped and shot me looks. I got my food and stood in the wake of what was about to come. I felt all eyes on me, waiting to see where I sat. I glanced at my normal table. Jessica eyed me while whispering in Lauren's ear. Mike picked at his food, but his body was twisted in my direction. Angela smiled shyly at me with an invitation to take the empty seat next to her. I returned the smile but preceded towards my doom.

Alice began talking the moment I set my tray down. "Oh Bella, it's so good to see you! I've missed you so much," she grinned widely. I had missed her energetic, bouncing, high-pitched self too, but didn't tell her that and kept to business.

"Why are you here?" I inquired without looking at them. I pulled apart the bread on my tray and waited. When there was no immediate response I peered up. Alice glared at Edward with crossed arms while he gazed at me with doleful eyes. They were the same brooding, haunted eyes from the parking lot and classroom. The eyes of a man in pain, who was drowning and begged for you to save him.

"Bella," he leaned forward, "I'm not strong enough to stay away from you. I tried so hard to leave you alone, but I can't. You're everything to me." I clenched my teeth as his words stung. I'm just a bad addiction he can't shake off. I'm not good for him but he can't control his bloodlust; like a diabetic in a cake shop.

"I didn't mean any of what I said in the forest. I didn't want to hurt you. I wanted to protect you. I love you," he pleaded with each sentence. I was taken aback by this. He was saying that all the heartbreak and pain was an act of love? That he had lied and still loves me?

I narrowed my eyes in disgust, "Is this some sort of game for you?" He leaned back in surprise, shaking his head while I continued. "Let's see how many times we can drag the dumb human around. She'll believe anything," I mocked in an accusatory tone.

"No." Edward asserted firmly, "That's not it at all." His face was serious and eyes hard but fearful. "Listen, I only said that I didn't love you because I wanted you to move on. I wanted you to have a shot at a normal life, with a normal boyfriend. You deserve better than a monster."

This did sound like his old self-loathing, masochistic self. Always thinking he was a monster without a soul.

I picked at my food again. "So . . . you're saying you lied?"

"Yes Bella," he relented, "I lied." Relief and hope broke through his grave demeanor. Reflecting a belief that I understood his perspective. He was leaning towards me again, with his arm extended to grasp my hand.

"But its true," I replied coldly and indifferent, "Even if you didn't mean it." His expression dropped again. I fixed my glowering eyes on him. "I'm no good for you," I stated slowly. "Why should you have to constantly restrain yourself and pretend to be something you're not."

"That's not true," he stammered, "You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. You've made me a better person. Better than I ever thought I was capable of."

"That's right!" Alice interjected, taking his side and nodding her head rapidly. "He was such a sulky, uninterested bore before you came around."

I chuckled, shaking my head stubbornly. Their attempts were unpersuasive. I returned to my tray of food again. How could I possibly believe that? People don't abandon the one's they love. Don't leave them helpless and alone in a pool of their own pain for seven months. They say I made him better; he was perfect the day I met him. All I did was disrupt his easy-going life with my temptress blood.

He sighed, "Why is it so easy for you to believe those lies after I've told you so many times how much I love you?" I maintained my bleak fondling of food. "After all the time we've spent together, everything we've been through, you know I love you."

Tears accumulated at the rim of my eyes as I gazed up into his imploring one. Isn't this what I wanted to hear? Why does it still hurt? I averted my gaze guiltily.

"I thought you loved me," he faltered, and my stare snapped back to his. Of course I loved you, I wanted to scream, I still love you! His ignorance was baffling. I thought my love for him was so blatantly apparent. It guided every choice I made and action I took. His doubt and mistrust were disconcerting.

I wiped off a rogue tear and clenched my teeth obstinately, stealing away my eyes. What could I say that wouldn't jeopardize how far I've come. He'll just leave me again. "I don't want to talk about this anymore," I croaked.

The table was silent, and I focused on breathing.

"Just answer me this one thing," he murmured. "Is there still a chance or should I leave and let you move on?"

His question was my final undoing as the pain ripped through my torso. My face, a mask of pure agony. The little hope of his love, unwilling rooted, was upturned by the thought of him leaving. He would abandon me again. My throat swelled, and breath caught. I looked up into his woeful, golden eyes begging for salvation.

I squeezed my lids shut, and with my last ounce of strength stood from the table and walked out. The whole student body witnessing my scarcely held together, haunted face as I fled.

I hid in the same bathroom as before and unburdened myself in the stall. I wept, trying to be silent, especially when a few girls unknowingly came in. It was awkward, they went about their business quickly and quietly, sensing my disturb presence too late. They stopped coming in after the bell rang and I felt more comfortable crying audibly.

Why did his words upset me so much? Wasn't is what I wanted to hear? He said he loved me. Said he lied and didn't mean those things. He wanted to know if there was still a chance for us. All I wanted in the world was to have the love we had back.

To bask in his radiant, playful smile and watch the light tinkle in his eyes as I run my fingers through his soft, bronze hair. To talk comfortably and carelessly, sharing secrets and stories. To feel his brisk, cautious hand lovingly brush against my cheek or tuck a loose hair behind my ear. To marvel in the safety and security of his arms as he ran through the forest or carried me. I wanted to see his family again, all gathered to watch a movie or play a game.

I wanted to be happy again, to be the person I was before. Trusting, loving, lively, and brave.

I exited the stall and examined myself in the mirror. My hair was untidy from pulling on it. My face was blotchy with red rimmed, bloodshot eyes that produced no sparkle or flicker of a life inside. I stared at this shell of a person and thought, this is what love does to you. It destroys you.

I wanted him back but was so afraid of losing myself. Even in the good days, I hadn't really had control. He intoxicated me, and I was addicted to him. Still addicted to him after all these months. I'm not sure if it is a choice, getting swept away, but it scared me.

It was obvious that I'd been crying, so instead of facing more gossip I decided to go home. As I approached my truck I saw the shiny Volvo two rows away. I thanked God that they were still here, that they didn't leave yet. Yet, I worried, I didn't give him an answer. What did he assess from my exit? Does he think I want him to leave? Quickly I wrote a note and stuck it under his windshield before I escaped the school grounds.

It read, 'Please don't go.'

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