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Chapter 6
Bella's POV
I permitted myself a few hours of a child-like fit, rolling around and moaning in my bed. I let the anguish of the day seep into my mattress until I remember my hidden stash. Underneath a floorboard in my room lay pictures, a music CD, a bottle of Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum and a few prerolled joints. The last of which I grabbed now.
It took a while before I had enough courage to smoke in the house, but I learned what I needed. With three layers of bags to contain the smell, and at least two hours to myself, then I could hide the evidence and act normally around Charlie. The Rum was strictly for before bed use only. The smell was too hard to mask on my breath and it inhibited me in a way I couldn't hind from Charlie.
I opened the tightly locked window and sat on the sill with one leg inside and one leg outside. I ducked my head under the glass and sat back against the house. It wasn't the most comfortable position, but it kept the smoke out and kept me from falling. I lit up.
A bright, euphoric haze slowly washed over me and minimized the drama of the day. Making it seem insignificant and the natural beauty of the forest and sky most important. I peeked over the sill, and saw the red and white tulips, from this morning, had been blown down to the ground. They did look pretty, I wouldn't have minded holding them now.
As I packed my belongings back under the floorboard, I picked up the picture of Edward from before my birthday party. He looked so happy, carefree and young. Not like today, as a matured, fearful, burdened man with too much of the world on his slouching shoulders. I tried to imagine what was going through his head, with what I knew now. If I was just a toy would he look at me like that? I remembered snapping that picture, he didn't stare at the camera but through it, into my eyes with joy, love and admiration. Could he have made that face if there was no love for me in his heart? I didn't know, he was an excellent liar, but it was hard to believe that he never loved me.
Surely, there was a time when he truly loved me? Even if it didn't last, there was a time when my feelings were reciprocated. I would have died a long time ago, as nature intended, if he didn't care just a little bit.
After contemplating and ogling the picture for 20 minutes, I got up, showered, and started making food. Charlie arrived as I was finishing. I heard him come in, but he did not greet me. Instead, he leaned against the kitchen door-frame and analyzed me with a concerned look as I worked over the stove. He didn't say anything but maintained that look all throughout dinner. It made me nervous, first thinking I'd been caught for smoking, then realizing he probably knew the Cullen's were back. I wondered what he thought but I did not ask, and he did not tell.
The next day I attempted to be as civil and polite as possible. I produced a weak wave and a grimace of a smile in return to Edward's across the parking lot. I responded with acceptable "Good," "Fine," and "Okay" to his innocent questions and remembered to say "Thank you," when he held doors and acted kindly. He did not pry into my short replies and eventually contented to my side quietly.
Alice, on the other hand, was not satisfied with silence. To their joyous surprise I sat with them at lunch and she sprung into her inquires. She asked how Charlie was, how Renee was, what I've been up to, when the last time I went shopping, etc. I gave the minimal response possible and she eventually gave up and proceeded to talk about the family. I learned Esme had been working on a new house in New Hampshire, Rosalie and Emmett had taken a long trip to Europe, and she has been researching her human past. This last bit caught my interest.
It was in the ballet studio, with James, that we found out about Alice's past. It pleased me that something good came out of that event and the pain I endured. Sensing my genuine curiosity, Alice described in great length about her findings. The news of a living relative and revealing of a long mystery animated her. "I feel like I've found a part of myself, that I'm a more whole person," she gushed.
"I'm happy for you Alice," I spoke as the lunch period wrapped up. We grinned at each other from across the table, and for a second all the past fell away. I forgot her betrayal and abandonment; we were just two good friends sharing a happy moment.
She took a chance on this enduring minute, "Maybe you could come by this weekend and I'll show you some newspapers and pictures?" I froze at her suggestion and smile instantly fell. I could not show my face in that house. I can't go there and act like nothing has happened, as if their leaving hadn't scarred me.
My cheeks burned, and eyes widened as I realized they all saw me the other day. When I freaked out and cried on their lawn. How embarrassing, what must they think? There is no way I could go over there. "Maybe another time," I whispered.
The sweet moment we shared dissipated and the spark in her eye dimmed. I stood to go, and they fallowed.
Thinking of the other day, I remember something I needed to bring up with them. I turned towards Edward and his welcoming smile, "Please stop sending me that 'scholarship' money," I air quoted, "I don't want it." His smile dropped into a look of confusion and innocence, "I don't know what you're talking about."
I knitted my brow and glowered at him. This was exactly why I couldn't trust him, he lied to me whenever it suited him.
With a sigh, he surrendered and became more serious, "I would really like that you kept it, but if you insist I'll have it stopped."
"Thank you," I responded curtly and stalked away.
The rest of the day went on much as the same. I tried to outpace Edward, key word being tried, when he followed me to my truck after the final class. He demanded my attention before I got far enough to slip into the cab.
"Bella, I really need to talk to you about a sensitive matter," he spoke gravely. His words drove pin needles through my spine. What did he need to talk about? Was he leaving again? I knew he's wanted to talk with me since that day in the house, but I was not ready to divulge the past and explore our fallen relationship. "Can I please come by your house now?" he continued sternly.
My frozen state took too long to respond, and before I could turn around to tell him 'no,' he walked away with a wave and the parting words, "I'll see you there in a few minutes."
I had no choice but to drive home and meet him. His Volvo was parked in Charlie's spot and he stepped out as I approached the front door. My heart beat uncomfortably at the familiar scene, I would die if he asked me to take a walk with him. I let him in and he took a seat in the kitchen.
I turned on him, "what do you want?" He smiled patiently and gestured that I sit down, but I stood my ground. "We had some visitors at the house last night," he stated, "some friends of yours from the reservation."
Comprehension swept over me. The pack contacted them. I listened with more interest now. "They mostly wanted to clear up treaty details, but they were very concerned about you. I didn't know you associated with werewolves." He eyed me accusatorily.
"What business is it of yours who I associate with," I spat, crossing my arms.
"Werewolves are dangerous, especially young ones, and you promised you wouldn't do anything stupid or reckless," he said coolly.
This enraged me, "Do I need to remind you of all the promises you broke!" I yelled. He has no right to talk, hypocrite!
Unfazed, he resumed, "Regardless, you should not be hanging out with them. It's –"
"Listen here Edward," I jabbed my finger at him, "You are not my boyfriend or my father." His face twitched at the words. "You have absolutely no right to tell me what to do!"
He sighed with a crestfallen, hurt expression, then suddenly regained his confidence and spoke firmly, "Whether you let me be your boyfriend or not, I won't allow you to put yourself in danger."
What nerve, I thought, who does he think he is! "If I let you be my boyfriend?! I'm not the one who ended things. And why do you care all of a sudden about what I do?" I rebuked.
"I never stopped caring," he declared with hard, piercing eyes, "And leaving you is the biggest regret of my existence." His determined face sunk into that of a sad puppy's. A crease formed between his brow and his wide eyes glistened with sorrowful tears that would never fall. He was the drowning man again. "I want you back Bella. Do I have to beg?"
To my mortification, he slipped out of the chair and onto his knees in front of me. Shock immobilized me, and he grasped my hands. "Please Bella. Please take me back. I'm so sorry for everything. I'm a fool to have left you." Golden eyes implored me as the drowning man awaited a response while repeatedly whispering "please."
This ill refined display of emotions overwhelmed me. I was speechless, and tears ran down my cheeks. This is what I wanted, for him to want me. I wanted to hold him, forgive and forget but my instincts screamed 'dangerous, risky.' My heart raced, breath came fast, and I stepped back in uncertainty and fear. Fear of the pain I've been enduring these past months and fear of having him and losing him again. The wound in my heart festered, I shook my head and choked, "Things can't just go back to what they were."
I didn't want him to see me pathetically break down again. Of course I wanted to take him back, but life wasn't that simple. You don't just get what you want, you must take the bad with it. I could accept he was a vampire, that he has killed people, lied and stole, but the pain of losing him was too much. I didn't know what the future held, and if he demanded I stay human then our parting was inevitable. He rose from his position on the ground and attempted to comfort me in his arms. "No," I tried to push him away and wrapped my arms around my chest.
"Bella, you don't have to go through this alone. I'm here for you." I squeezed my eyes shut as his words rung in my ear. No, he is not here for me. He wasn't here when I needed him. I've been alone through this whole thing and I'm still alone now. "Please just leave!" I cried. I couldn't stand for him to see me like this again.
Minutes passed as we both stood silently in the kitchen. I crying and him looking hopeless, dejected, and remorseful. "I'll see you tomorrow," he departed slowly, pausing at the front door to give me one last glance and mutter something I could not hear.
The next day went without tears. Edward accompanied me everywhere and said very little. I avoided his eyes as each time I peered into them I met the drowning man from yesterday, begging me.
Alice chatted away harmlessly at the lunch table until her eyes glazed over and off into space, overcome by a vision. Both her and Edward's lips pursed and they "hmmm," with disapproval as they looked at me with knitted brows.
Confused and taken aback, I rose one eyebrow questionably. What had I done? Edward clenched his teeth while Alice fixed her features. In her sweetest voice, Alice spoke, "Bella, I would really like to show you my findings. Can I come to your house this weekend? I bet Charlie will be happy to see me."
Are they not going to tell me what she saw? I thought embittered, that's fine, they don't have any obligation to me, and I don't have any obligation to them. "Maybe another time," I answered coolly to her dismay, and focused on my lunch.
Although Alice still prattled on and I maintained a downward stare, I could tell they were having one of their silent conversations. It bothered me that they so blatantly kept secrets from me, it was obvious she had a vision involving me.
By the time I got home I was exhausted. Keeping up pretenses with them took energy. It was unclear to me why I cared to be nice to them at all. I didn't bother being polite to my classmates over the past few months. I felt their reappearance awakened something in me and I wanted to hideaway in the numb void that was familiar and safe. I needed a day to myself.
As if the universe heard my desires, I received a call from Sydney that night. She explained that Rodney obtained a 'special treat' and that she 'would hunt me down' if I wasn't there on Saturday. This news excited me, escape and fun away from all this drama was exactly what I needed.
My secret life was rejuvenating. I relied on it to be there for me and cushion the rough responsibilities I knew outside of it. I didn't have to pretend here, I could be sad or angry and my friends would just laugh or hug me. They never judged or brought it up, they didn't care. And eventually I learned not to care either but could still feel. It was safe to feel here, maybe because it was dulled down or mutated by the various substances available. Either way, the feeling of joy and happiness that had been lost to me for many months found me again, here.
I wondered how secret this side was. What has Alice seen? I thought back to lunch and blushed. All the things I've done were embarrassing and disgraceful. You don't drink around sober people because it transforms you into a complete fool. Seeing my clumsy, sober trips was humiliating enough.
It irritated me that their presence contaminated this sanctuary. There was no place I could keep them out. I laughed at the irony, I originally found this refuge because it was the only place that wasn't ruined by the thought of them. I wouldn't let it be tarnished now. Damn what they see! I don't care what those lying, nosy stalkers think! I pledged not to give it another thought, I wouldn't let them destroy my oasis.
I am still looking for a BETA and the next chapter is going to be very unique, I could please use some help!
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