Chapter 7

Bella's POV

Color after color washed over my hands as I stared at them. Red, orange, green, purple. Every cell vibrated and hummed like they were about to fly off. The lines and veins in my palms danced. I bent my fingers slowly, they felt puffy, soft and clammy. I waved one hand in front of my face and three of different colors fallowed. Hands are so amazing, I thought, I'm so lucky to have them. I reached both hands out, feeling the pleasant stretch in my arms. I wiggled my fingers, watching them blur together, and bent my wrists, admiring the warm energy that moved through them.

Sydney, who sat next to me on the couch, gaped at my activity. Taking joy in the colors and movement too, I assumed. Slowly, I turned to face her and waved my many hands in front of her face. Her mouth and eyes wide open as she muttered, "Whoa."

I leaned back in my seat and rubbed my hand over the armrest. The material felt so smooth and soft, like a new born baby. I inhaled deeply, letting the cool, clean air fill and replenish my body. All I needed in life was to breath. It was perfectly clear to me now how much everything else didn't matter. All the pain, heartbreak, gossip, anger, betrayal, abandonment and wanting didn't matter. The universe moved as intended and my little life was insignificant. I am blessed to be a part of the inner workings of the universe at all, gliding through the path its made for me. The little details and hiccups along the way meant nothing as I breathed with all the life around me. I could die right now and be completely happy. Everything was so absolutely okay.

As promised, Rodney had obtained a special treat for us when I arrived on Saturday. With some grinding and a glass of orange juice, we each ingested our share of psychedelic mushrooms. I was apprehensive, but willing as they described the effects to me. Rodney had done them a few times and Bret and Sydney only once. The feelings and images it evoked were beyond anything they described.

I sat now, a few hours in, on the couch in Bret's little recording studio. I felt alive but stupid. It seemed so hard to move or talk but as soon as I started it was over before I knew what happened. I stared at my feet forever willing myself to stand up, and when I finally made the movement, disorientation and awe came over me as I discovered the exciting new world that existed a few feet higher. The plain, white wall that I knew was there, spun and vibrated with dancing patterns and colors, never stopping. It was so beautiful. I gawked at it, possibly drooling.

As the intense wave of hallucinations dimmed for a moment I took control of myself and laid flat on the ground staring at the breathing ceiling. "What time is it?" I asked aloud. No one answered, but that was okay. Someone seemed to ask this question every few minutes, and whether we found out the answer or not, it didn't mean anything. Like most things, time was insignificant. We were here and alive, and that's all that mattered. Everything was so absolutely okay.

For a moment the patterns in the ceiling took on a circular shape and amber gold color swept over it. It looks like Edward's eyes. Love pulsed through me and joyous tears leaked down my cheek from the beautiful sight. I love him so much, he is the most wonderful and perfect person I have ever met. He deserves happiness and should always have a smile on his face. The euphoric effects made it impossible to think anything negative and the love I harbored eclipsed any other feeling.

Ginning like an idiot, I gazed up, willing the ceiling to imitate his gorgeous gold eyes again. Humoring me, the shapes twirled into all aspects of his face. I marveled at his bronze hair, straight nose and cocky smirk. I wanted to touch it and reached out to the air, and again got lost in the perplexity of the human hand.

I wish Edward was here, I thought, I want him to see how pretty everything is. I saw no conflict in him being here as it seemed like the most natural of things. Although given my state of mind, I might have thought the same thing for my police chief of a father. Love was the answer and what moved the universe. I could see that now, it was so clear, and I wanted to share my love with Edward right now. Everything from the past escaped my memory.

It didn't matter. Nothing mattered but right now, and right now Edward wasn't here. The image of him begging on my kitchen floor fluttered through my mind. He wanted me and was in pain right now because I wasn't with him. I had the power to rectify him, but I choose to be here. I'm so stupid!

I stared at my hands again, offended at the trouble they had caused. I could be wrapped in his cool embrace right now if I just followed the path of love. It was all so clear to me, it's so easy to fix anything. Everything was so absolutely okay.

I'm not sure how long it took to find my cell phone, a device Charlie insisted I carry when I began spending the nights in Port Angeles. Nor do I know how long it took my shaky, numb fingers to scroll through the few contacts I had, but I found his. I admired the letters that formed his name and swam in the loving words I wanted to tell him. My euphoric confidence did not waver as I hit the call button.

Edward's POV

I fought my anxiety with pacing, hunting and general stillness. Since my return to Fork's and disastrous reunion with Bella, I've held only the desire to be with her, but have been repeatedly discouraged by my family and her actions.

She did not call me, she keeps her window locked, she avoids me, ignores my pleads of love and spats anger when she talks to me. If not anger, then tears. I believe she hates me. She should hate me, I've seen the damage I caused through the thoughts of our classmates. She didn't talk to anyone for months, completely isolated herself from everyone. They pitted her and the lifeless void I made her.

The pack's thoughts were worse when they came to talk to Carlisle. The night I left, she lay for hours on the cold, wet forest floor. I saw Sam's memories of the search party scanning threw the trees, him finding her unaware, shaking, and muttering 'they're gone.' I saw him carrying her, catatonic and the spark in her eye gone. I broke her.

Jacob's memories affirmed that spark didn't come back, but instead emerged a desperation for danger. If not for his eye-witness account I would not have believed my Bella was riding motorcycles. Taking joy in her injuries and gazing off at nothing, like a person whose lost their mind. He recalled nursing her in a drunken stupor and worried about what she got into now-a-days.

I found in no one a thought of the Bella I left behind. The girl I knew was gone. I broke her. Her heart and spirit, but I would not leave without her command, and she would not tell me to go.

My family advised I be patient and supportive. She is the one who got the worst of it after all. They were content enough having the family back together. Further, Alice's confidence that Bella and I would work things out reassured them of staying. Yet, my behavior annoyed them.

To maintain my golden eyes, which I knew she adored, I hunted daily. For the first time in my life, thirst was second in my mind. There was no flavor or fun in the kill and eventually the whole family, even Emmett, got tired of going with me.

If I wasn't hunting, then I was pacing back and forth in my room. Running through all the scenarios and outcomes I could imagine. Esme worried I would wear out the floor and Jasper proclaimed it only made me more anxious, which was affecting him. They told me to calm down, be patient and take it a day at a time. Bella would come around, they were certain.

Yet, their words did not sooth me. I analyzed every word and expression of Bella's and contemplated different ways to get her back. Alice started blocking her visions from me after lunch on Wednesday, when she had seen Bella obviously under the influence of something. While she agreed with my disapproval, she declined to assist me in stopping it. We fought, and she argued the importance of privacy, trust and freedom and refused to share any more visions with me, claiming my overprotectiveness would make things worse. Other than the promise of knowing if something seriously dangerous were to happen, I had no insight to the future. Only if I was set on a bad decision did Alice chime in with, "I wouldn't do that." I was alone in this.

When my pacing became too taxing, I resolved to sitting motionless through the nights, restraining myself from going to Bella. However, I could not prevent myself from checking when the thought emerged that this might be the night she leaves her window unlocked. A sure sign that she wanted me. Thus far, it has not.

Restraint was nearly impossible when her sleeping breaths caressed my ears outside her window. I wanted to take up my spot in her rocking chair, review her room and its belongings, and supervise her sleep was peaceful and undisturbed. Guilt caught me before I acted, and Alice's harsh and honest thoughts assaulted me, 'How can you expect to gain back her trust if you go snooping and spying on her. A life without you was what you wanted, don't victimize her.'

Now, I treaded my room visualizing the vacant room she should be occupying. Brooding over where she was and what she was doing. Again, Alice concealed all, other than the fact she was okay. The glimpse from the other day distressed me. Her looking crazed, wide-eyed and sickly on the floor of someone unknown place, drool building up at the corner of her gaping mouth. Clearly hopped up. Tracking her down would be easy but Alice, with Carlisle, Jasper and Rosalie's support, insisted I stay out of it. So, I paced.

The clock read 1:18am when Alice's thoughts wavered in excitement. I spied a red flip phone before a wall of French conjugates forced me out. At 1:36am my phone buzzed.

"Bella?" I answered immediately. There was no response but an exhale.

"Bella?" I asked again. She breathed my name, "Edward."

"Yes, it's me. Are you okay? Where are you?" I inquired.

She paused again. "Edward," she murmured slowly in an enchanted, pensive tone, "It's so beautiful. Everything is so beautiful."

"What is beautiful?" I thought of her gorgeous eyes.

"Oh Edward, I wish you could see it. It's all so clear, everything makes sense now." I catalogued the implication of her dreamy words, constructing a list of what might be in her system.

"That's great, maybe I could come by and see it. Where are you?" I played along. There was silence, her response time was severely impaired.

"Edward, Edward, Edward," she cooed, "I'm right here. Where are you?" In my room, going insane and worrying myself sick about you, I held back. She knows how prone I am to panic when I couldn't reach her.

"I could be there in a few minutes if you want. I'd love to see the beautiful things." Anxious, I hung on her every word, praying I could retrieve her from her risky, dangerous decisions.

Silence.

"I miss you," she announced gently. My heart sored, as the first words of wanting me were uttered. Hope swelled and ignited the dreams of our future in my mind. I wanted to profess my love and layout all my mistakes and hardships to her, but I caught myself. Be cool, I told myself, she might not mean it. The real possibility of that stabbed me like a frozen icicle piercing my heart.

"I miss you too," I replied. To no response, I wallowed in the sound of her breathing, feeling closer to her now than I had been on the other side of her window.

Without warning she casually answered my question, "I'm at the recording studio." I didn't know where she meant, but I could find it easily if she granted me permission.

"I'll pick you up." With my keys in hand, I descended the stairs quickly, catching Alice and Esme's scrupulous eyes in the living room. I paused at my driver's door, phone in hand pressed against my ear, waiting for her final affirmation.

"Okay," she breathed and I speed out.

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