Thank you for your patience, sorry I haven't been updating as quickly. Thanks again to my Beta Kayozm, whom has helped me provide you a better story :) Let me know what you think!


Chapter 9

Bella's POV

I felt weird the next day. The whole night before felt like a dream, and I was more than embarrassed to believe I let the Cullen's see me like that. I didn't know what to think when I awoke midday in an unfamiliar bed with Edward lying next to me.

I nudged my cheek against the cool pillow my head rested on and inhaled the fresh scent of honey-lilac. To my surprise, a soft hand brushed over my hair and a voice whispered, "Good morning." My eyes snapped open and met the golden orbs of Edward's.

Memories of the night before flashed in my mind and I pulled back in horror. My eyes grew wider and my face redder as the mortifying reality of what I had done set in. I had acted like such a child, crying and clinging to him, stumbling around like a fool and repeating the same aesthetic phrases. My mind had been mush, and yet, it overpowered me with unrestrained confidence. Edward's acute senses would have picked up every slur, belch and fart that I left unchecked. Not to mention what he might have taken from my words.

My gibberish rambling about the universe, nature, and life was that of a crazy person. I still believed what I said, and my perspective on life felt renewed and peaceful. The colors, patterns and insight I experienced were eye-opening and religious. What concerned me was that I couldn't count how many times I had told Edward I loved him. Sure, I had grown to accept the love I bore for him without expecting anything in return, and was grateful I could feel something so beautiful even if it brought with it the ugliest pain. But to have forced my love upon him was pathetic. I didn't want to be the ex-girlfriend he felt obliged to take care of out of guilt or pity.

Repulsed by myself, I gaped at Edward until he spoke. A comforting smile graced his face and he asked, "How are you feeling?"

"Fine," I blurted. "I think I should go home now." Feeling like a kid caught with their hand in the cookie jar, I was overcome with the fear of punishment and the need to escape. Preparing to run, I took inventory of my surrounding. My cell phone sat plugged in on the end table, blinking that I had missed calls. Ugh, Sydney, I thought, I'll have to think of something. My attention came back to Edward when he squeezed my hand.

"Please stay a while. I don't want you to leave. You don't have to be embarrassed. No one here judges you." His reassuring words confused me but had an affect. My flighty response began to dwindle.

"You're not mad?" This was the very last thing I expected to hear from him. Where was the dramatic anger and overprotective disapproval? "I didn't mean to get you involved, I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have called you." He silenced me with a finger on my lips.

"Don't say that. I am so happy that you called me. I feel so much better having you here. I can't exactly say I understand or approve of your behavior, but it's not right of me to choose what human experiences you have." His words were endearing, and genuine joy radiated from him. "I'm not sure how much you remember, but I meant everything I said."

I shuffled through the loose images from the night before. What had he said? I tried to remember, but the exact words were lost to me. Something about protecting me, about regret and love. What came to mind more easily were the emotions and clarity I remembered feeling when he spoke, when I gazed upon his face, watching his lips move, and when his cold skin was pressed against mine.

Last night I was acutely conscious that he was with me, and it felt like nothing else mattered. Every doubt and misconception fell away as if he had never left. As if the love that had blossomed between us had never died. I wanted to live in that moment again.

"Bella, I know we still love each other and I want to move forward. Will you take me back?" He held my gaze with an expectant expression.

As I looked at Edward next to me, it started to seem possible. Maybe it is as easy as it seemed yesterday. Maybe the past doesn't matter, and I can choose to be happy. What I want is right here, I shouldn't waste one second by feeling sorry for myself. The epiphany was sedating as I surrendered myself into his welcoming arms.

For the rest of the day, I felt at peace. Carlisle checked my vital signs and educated me about recreational drug use, unhealthy dosages, and dangerous side effects. He made me promise to stay clear of opiates, threatening to get Charlie involved if I didn't. Esme forced me to eat a large lunch and Alice coerced me into a long shower. Although embarrassed and apprehensive of staying, I felt tranquil. Even the subtle wisecracks from Emmett about me being a hippie, I could ignore.

My truck and I made it home before sunset. I cooked dinner for a vigilant Charlie. All week he had hesitantly watched me from the corner of his eye, as if he was waiting for something. I retired to my room quickly, anxious to finish the last of my homework. My original plan for the weekend had not included a Sunday outing at the Cullen's house.

As I laid my notebook on my desk and pulled out my textbook, I heard a soft tapping on my window. My vampire sweetheart knelt on the sill waiting to be let in. Flinging the glass open he smirked. "Would you like some help with your assignments?" I nodded gratefully, he had come to save me.

As his feet touched the hardwood my heart stuttered. How many times had I stared at this window longing for him to come through it? How many nights did my tears dampen my pillow trying to accept that he never would? Now, he had glided into my room like it were an everyday thing, but I knew it was more than mundane. It was a miracle. My own personal Jesus walking on the water that was my bedroom floor.

"Will you be sneaking in at night again?" I asked.

"If you'll have me." He kissed the top of my head. "I have come every night, checking to see if your window was open"

Guilt sparked inside me and I remembered the tulips from the week before. "I'm sorry. I just needed some space."

"No need to apologize love." He smiled, and we set off to work.

After the last equations and a few human minutes, I crawled beneath the covers and pressed my back against the marble stone that wrapped around me, awaiting sleep. I thought about everything that had happened today and the night before. It was bemusing how we were able to fall back into our old rhythm. I was restless, twisting, turning, and peeking at him to confirm he was there. It all felt strange and I wondered if I was dreaming. As if he too was afraid I'd disappear, he kept his hand in mine or an arm slung over my waist or shoulder, always touching.

In the months before, when my heart could bear it, I would imagine him here with me like this. I would close my eyes and pretend, daydream he never left and that he always loved me. That's how this moment felt, like those make-believe nights. Perfect.

Too perfect, the dark thought drifted through my mind, and I stiffened for a second. This isn't real. This won't last. I expelled the air I was holding and pushed the cynical thoughts down, telling myself, I choose happiness. I let myself have this moment.

The next morning, Edward's silver Volvo sat outside my house, waiting to take me to school. I wasn't expecting it, but it seemed that our old pattern of doing things was falling back into place. Sauntering across the front yard, I was struck by the memory of driving to school the first time after he left.

I had been forced to go back to school as a condition to staying in Forks. Renee had been here over the weekend, attempting to move me to Florida. She thought I was sick, and maybe I was. I didn't even notice she was here until she started packing my suitcase. The tantrum that followed came from a place I had never known. The person who had screamed, thrown clothes, books and a lamp, and who had instilled a look of terror in my parents was not me. The memory was blurry, and I had looked on from the outside knowing I should feel ashamed. But, I felt nothing.

I drove robotically until my mind, without consent, became active. This is how it's going to be from now on. You'll never sit in his car again. You're on your own now. You'll never see him again. You're all alone. My breathing hitched, and pain scorched through me. I clutched at my chest and tried to drive on. I had to prove to Charlie I could do this, or else he would make me leave. I couldn't leave Forks, it was all I had left.

I forced my mind to be silent and turned on the radio to distract me. The cab filled with a heartbroken song by Kelly Clarkson. My heart burned, and I switched the station. Another love song; more heartbreak. I flipped through the channels until I found the first thing that wasn't about love. I listened to the hard rock band sing about death and damnation until I realized, He likes this band. I shut the stereo off, irritated. I was already in the school parking lot anyways.

Parked, I glared at the offensive device his family had given me and heard the echo of his promise from the forest. 'It will be as if I never existed.' He took everything I had of him but left me this stupid love song machine. Anger rose inside me. He left it just to mock me. To twist the knife he shoved in my heart. With narrow eyes and a flushed face, I released my rage and attacked the little box. Instead of being in class during first period that morning, I had been in the nurse's office wrapping my bloody finger tips.

The memory sent a nauseous twist in my stomach, and I got into the Volvo with reservations. I looked around as if it was the first time I'd ever been in it. I never thought I'd be riding to school in this car again.

Edward smiled at me and my heart warmed. The feeling I once knew came back to me. Peace, security, excitement, wholeness and happiness wrapped around me like it was coming through the vents. It felt good to be back. However, for the first time as he pulled away from the curb, stirring underneath those pleasant feelings was the subconscious feeling of fear.


The week passed. The gossip faded, and I began to take notice of things again. When did Angela cut her hair? Were the graduation gown orders really due this Friday? Why wasn't Jessica talking to Mike anymore? What book did we read last month in English? When Edward or Alice asked me about things they had missed, I was deeply embarrassed as I did not know the answer.

I tried harder to involve myself and repair the damage. It took four days of warm greetings in Trig before Jessica would stop giving me the cold shoulder. I tried to eat everything Edward put on my lunch tray. He had given me a horrified look when I told him that I normally had a granola bar and a lemonade. I attempted to engage in class, raising my hand when I knew an answer. It was exhausting to throw myself back into "normal" school life, but I did it to soothe the pinched brow that appeared whenever Edward witnessed how I had been behaving over the last few months. Jumping back into the swing of things at school was not the only thing that gave me trouble.

I had not realized how much I had grow accustomed to being alone. Except for when he passed through my window at night, I would often be startled by Edwards sudden appearance. I had been walking between classes when a smooth hand slipped into mine. I jerked my arm away in shock and disgust until I was met with the hurt and confused look of Edward's.

"I'm sorry," I muttered and placed my hand back in his, walking on.

I had forced myself to forget all the little things he use to do, and relearning them brought discomfort. Later that day, I had spun around and yanked myself free of him in a sudden panic that I had forgotten my backpack in the last class. He laughed, and pull my backpack off his shoulder showing me that he was carrying it. Just like he use to.

Things at home were not the same either, but were easier to deal with than I had anticipated. When Edward had brought me home Wednesday afternoon, Charlie had been waiting for me. He sat at the kitchen table. With a grave face and hands wrapped around a coffee mug he asked me to sit, that we needed to talk.

"Is everything okay?" I asked with concern.

He sighed. "I know the Cullen's are back, and I wasn't going to get involved, but I am very worried about you getting mixed up with that boy again."

I froze. I didn't want to have this conversation with my dad.

"What happened to you when his family moved away was far from healthy. You've come so far from September, and I don't want you throwing yourself back into the very thing that caused it."

Guilt overcame me. I had tried for Charlie's sake, but my depression had taken it's tole on him too. "I know dad. I don't want to back step either, but . . . I still love him." I looked from my fidgeting fingers on the table and my eyes pleaded with him to understand. A look of recognition and sympathy passed over him before he pursed his lips. I wondered if he was thinking of Mom.

He responded with the aged, tired eyes of an old man, "I'm not saying you can't see him, but I just think it would be wise if you maintained some independence."

"I understand," I answered honestly. Last summer we were inseparable. There was nothing I did that didn't include him. He consumed my every thought and feeling.

"And I don't want him in this house," Charlie tacked on.

I gave a short chuckle. No, of course Charlie wouldn't want him in the house. I thought of the many nights Edward snuck through my window as well as the other things I did discreetly in my room. What he doesn't know can't hurt him, I thought. "Okay Dad," I said with an amused eye-roll and he smiled back. I had taken the light-hearted atmosphere as my cue to leave.

However, Charlie's advice rang through my head the next morning when I approached Edward's Volvo. I thought again about my first day driving to school after he was gone. It was silly that a simple task like that could be so hard. Could I do it again if he decided to leave a second time? I wanted to be strong and able to stand on my own. I could still have him without giving him everything, couldn't I? As soon as I had the car door closed and my seat belt on, I looked up at Edward.

"I'll be driving myself to school going forward," I said.


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