Thank you for waiting, I'm very excited to share this chapter with all of you.

Thank you to my Beta Kayozm, for her time in reviewing my work :)


Chapter 12

Bella's POV

"I hate you." The words flatly came out of my mouth before I could stop myself. Edward froze; our swaying ceased. My head stayed rested on his marble shoulder, staring blankly ahead and speaking to the empty room.

"Everything has changed." My hollow voice echoed off the walls. "I just want it to be like it use to be, but it can't. . ." My words drifted off as all the thoughts I had pushed down resurfaced. "You ruined everything."

Slowly, I pulled back to meet his wide eyes. His grip on my waist didn't loosen, but seemed firmer, as if he was afraid to let go. "No matter how hard I try. . . it's not enough."

Hopelessness shot through me like a cold chill as the reality of my words crashed over me. It's not enough. I can't fix this. I was a fool to think I could bring back the girl I use to be. That girl was dead.

The music still played in the background, but all the world around us had fallen apart. I angrily pushed against his chest, demanding my release. His arms fell to his side, dejected. He was the one who had killed her. He had driven a knife through her heart that day in the forest, and left her to bleed out on the cold, hard ground.

I narrowed my eyes in disgust at the murderer before me. "It's all your fault!" I spat. Lashing out and letting my temper rise faster than a NASA space rocket. I was all that was left now, a girl with a cold and lifeless heart. Could I ever love again? How could either of us think that everything would be okay?

"You abandoned me. After everything we went through, you just left like that," I snapped my fingers. My fierce eyes glowered at him from below my creased brow.

"You told me you didn't want me, made me believe I wasn't good enough. You made me question everything I thought I knew." I raked my hand through my hair, tugging at it in indignation.

"Do you have any idea what you put me through!" I cried.

His arms hung limply at his side and shoulders slumped. His teeth were clenched, and lips parted, forming a small gape. His eyebrows slanted upwards and eyes glistened with many woeful emotions.

The words I threw at him came back into my ears, hitting me with their clarity. It's not okay. I'm not okay. My despair eclipsed my rage for a short moment. I glared at my feet, whispering, "I can't talk to you. I can't trust you."

"I'm so sorr—"

"Shut up!" His voice ignited me like lighter fluid on a campfire. "Why do you get to be the one who feels bad all the time? You're the one who did this, it was your choice." I jerked my arm towards him. "Ugh, why am I not allowed to be the upset one!"

"You have every right to be upset and angry." His steady voice tried to pacify me, but I could see the face of that damn drowning man. Whose pain, guilt and shame came before my feelings.

"Oh, fuck you!" His brows perked in surprise. His words were patronizing. "Fuck all of you!" I turned around, flipping off the ceiling in various directions. "Fuck Alice, fuck Emmett, and fuck Carlisle! You all just left! You didn't even say goodbye." My throat swelled and voice broke as I flung my arms down.

"You really are monsters!" I yelled, turning back around. "What you did killed me, and I hate you for it."

That look on his face returned ten folds as I accused him of being what he always believed.

I hate that face. The rage building inside me boiled over. If he is going to make it then I'll give him a reason to.

My expression was screwed up as I turned and stormed out the front door.

"Where are you going?" He followed close behind as I headed towards the garage.

I'm not sure when he realized what I was doing. If it was when I opened the garage door, or when he tuned into Alice's vision, or when I picked up the crowbar from the neatly organized wall of tools, but that face I hated was gone by the time I started smashing his beloved Aston Martin.

I took the first whack at the windshield, repeating my swing until I got the desired effect. The sound of shattering glass hitting the car interior and hood was music to my ears. I went to work on the side mirrors next, grunting my hatred. The sound of metal on metal echoing through our silent surroundings.

"Stupid asshole!" The mirror broke clean off.

"Liar!" I smashed the front blinker.

"You abandoned me!" I made dents in the engine hood.

My arms grew tired and I dropped the crowbar, panting. I studied the damage. Gaping holes stood where the windows use to be, glass blanketed the ground and seats inside, and dents covered the front like it had been hit by hail.

Edward was also surveying my work. His deadpan face raked over his baby. His low lids shading his cold, dark eyes. But when he shifted his gaze back to me, that self-loathing look came back.

"No!" I bellowed, storming up to him. I hate that face! "Why aren't you angry? Why can't I say or do a single thing without you getting that guilty, sad, pathetic look on your face?" I desperately needed to know.

"Because everything you said is true." He spoke slowly. "I did this. I ruined everything. I'm a monster and you should hate me." His voice was dead and hollow, there was no light or spark in his eyes.

Moisture hung in the air, a testament to the approaching rain. Thick clouds blocked the moon, the only light emanating from the house. A black silhouette posed at a window on the second floor. Edward's white skin stood out against the darkness like a ghost.

Two minutes passed as we stood in silence, a few feet apart. What could I do to make him understand? I didn't want his guilt.

The only sounds were the jagged sobs coming from me. Until he whispered the last thing I wanted to hear.

"I'm sorry." I clenched my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut, expelling the tears that had not yet formed.

Fleeing from him, towards the house, I choked, "I wish you would stop saying that."

I felt the first drop of rain hit my head and then my cheek. His light footsteps were inaudible behind my chunky thumps. He spoke in desperation, "I don't understand. Do you not want me to be sorry? Do you want me to take joy in the pain I've caused you?"

I halted, wailing. "No . . . I . . . I . . ." What did I want? I didn't want him to be happy about all this.

"I want . . . I want not to hate you. I want only to love you. Because I do love you Edward. I never stopped loving you. I can't stop." I stared at my shaking hands. "I don't want to be this hateful, angry person. I'm the monster!" My voice broke as I bawled the words.

The raindrops picked up their speed, falling quickly and coating our hair.

"I mean who does that to someone they love?" I gestured towards his vandalized vehicle.

"You think it's so terrible living a hundred years and never changing." I balled my fists, and glowered at him. "Well I'll tell you, changing isn't great! It's horrible to be a broken piece of garbage, only a fraction of the person you were before. Not being able to recognize yourself in the mirror, and knowing, no matter what you do you can never go back." I began sobbing into my hands.

He embraced me, cradling my head into his chest. "You're not a monster." He consoled me, rubbing soothing circles into my dampening sweater.

"Yes I am. You don't know what I think. You'd leave again if you knew."

"No I wouldn't," His voice was flat and firm. Moving his hand to hold my face, he gazed deep into my eyes. "Bella, I will not leave you again unless you tell me to leave." His hard stare held mine. "I want to know everything you think, the good and the bad. I love you no matter what."

"But you never listen, you just start saying sorry. That makes me feel worse." I extracted my face from his hands.

"I didn't know you felt that way. I'll work on it. Please." He drew closer to me again, trying to make some sort of contact.

"I'm not the same person." My voice was weak.

"Yes, you've changed, I know that, but you're still the girl I love."

"No. You're not listening." I took another step back, wrapping my arms around myself. "I'm not that girl anymore. She's dead." I stared at the muddy ground, shaking my head and feeling the rain slid down the back of my neck. "You don't know me at all."

"Then let me know you." He moved closer to me, raising his arms mid-way. "Please, I know it will take time, but I need you."

Time, I thought as I closed my eyes wincing. I wanted to believe him.

Three seconds passed in silence. He started to speak again, but I cut him off.

"Make me the promise that you never would." The words echoed through the pounding rain that surrounded us. He comprehended my request. His brow knitted, and his lips pursed, confirming my biggest fear.

He wouldn't change me. He didn't want me forever. He would leave again.

I had told myself this would happen from the very beginning. Barred myself against believing his love and warned my heart against going back, but somewhere hope grew. The hope that I was wrong, that we could have each other for eternity.

Now that hope shattered as he stood there, dropping his head and making no such promise. My throat swelled, and my hand grasped at my chest, gasping for air. I collapsed in a stupor, yanking my hair in agony. The tears that streamed down my cheeks mixed with the rain, and the mud puddles were far from my mind.

I was void of the world around me, only recognizing Edward's presence when the icy chill of his body engulfed me. On the ground in front of the porch steps, the same spot I had cried uncontrollably a few weeks before, he coddled me in his lap. Rocking and cooing me like a fussy child until the darkness engulfed me.


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Only one chapter left. I am starting to work on a new, happier story and am looking for a beta for it. Please PM me if willing.


Disclaimer: Obviously, I do not own Twilight. All characters, stories and rights belong to Stephanie Meyer.

I also need to give credit to Taylor Swift, whose analogies I've sometimes used.