Thank you to everyone who has followed my story, this is the last chapter.
Thanks again to my beta Kayozm who has been a tremendous help. Please check out her stories, they're great!
Chapter 13 Selfless
Edward's POV
The morning glow penetrated my room as the sun began to rise through the cloudy sky. My angel slept beside me.
I had pulled her inside before it had started pouring. However, she was so consumed by her fervour, there was a slim chance she had noticed.
Only Esme had dared approach the scene, trying to give what she could. "Take this," she said, handing me a blanket. With a furrowed brow she watched as Bella shook and clung to my shirt, making it impossible to keep the blanket in place. The memory of Bella clutching herself on our kitchen floor a few weeks ago played behind her doleful eyes as I sank down to the floor. Taking the blanket, I cradled her in it like a small child.
Esme stood for a minute, her hands raised midway, considering all the things she could do. She resigned herself to sitting on the stairs, being close and waiting to be needed. Carlisle joined her, and together their combined thoughts unintentionally bombarded me.
It's only natural for her to be upset. Teenage humans go through this kind of thing all the time. She'll move on. But what does this mean for us? What if she doesn't want us in her life anymore? What would Edward do?
They remembered my quickness to anger: all the TVs, furniture, walls and trees I had smashed when I lost an argument, and all the over-protective glares I had given my loved ones since Bella had entered my life. They recalled my depression: all the days I had locked myself in my room, plagued by the guilt of those I had killed and of what I was. How I had spent the last 9 months in isolation, dodging their calls and starving myself in the dirty attic of an abandoned house. How the family I had left behind was scarcely held together.
The words that Bella had said echoed through their minds. "It's all your fault," "You really are monsters," "I hate you."
"Stop it," I growled, glowering at them. My arms wrapped tighter around the sobbing girl. I didn't need to hear it again.
They came to themselves as if they had not realized their surroundings, and with pitying looks, vacated the area. She was drunk and upset, Esme consoled, it doesn't mean you can't work it out. She said so herself, she loves you.
Eventually, Bella's sobs quieted as her exhaustion took hold of her; I carried her up the stairs. Alice sat, like a statue, on the steps between the second and third floor, a change of clothes in her hand. For once, her thoughts did not search the future but rather replayed the words and events from the last hours.
"You knew this would happen. You encouraged it." I stated flatly. She didn't hide her intentions now.
"It had to happen." She spoke with the same emotionless voice as mine. "Things will get better now." Her frozen form finally moved, looking up at the sleeping girl in my arms. She saw laughter and smiles in Bella's future. Not like the smiles of her past-these ones never reached her eyes-but still, a future worth having. A better future than she had been seeing recently.
Memories of old visions flashed through her mind. Visions that were long gone, happy paths Bella and I could have walked that were now impossible. She mourned for the futures Bella could no longer have. I'm sorry, she thought, I wish I could give you more.
I thought the same. All I had wanted was to give her more, to give her a chance at life. Yet, at every turn I seemed to have taken more. Stealing her sanity, her peace of mind, her humanity and her future. And still, she wanted me to take her soul. Could I ever do the right thing?
I gazed at the sleeping angel in my arms. Her hair and clothes were wet, dampening the blanket around her. There were spots of dirt in her hair and face. Soft eyelids concealed the red, puffy damage from her crying. The skin around her eyes was swollen, and heavy, purple bags hung below. Her skin looked so pale and fragile, tight against her cheekbones. Yet, despite her unhealthy appearance, her expression was peaceful in her deep slumber.
"Let me see her." Alice gestured, wanting to change her into dry clothes. "I'll be quick." I had reluctantly complied and trudged up the stairs at a slow, human pace.
As my room lightened with the morning, Bella began to stir in her sleep. She restlessly tossed and moaned in discomfort until she slowly pulled apart her eyelids, squinting at the ceiling.
I was prepared, offering her a glass of water and some ibuprofen. She sat up as if in a trance, consuming the medication and thumping back down on the pillows. She continued sleeping.
All the time, I contemplated and reflected on her words.
She hated me, just as she should. I had thought from the beginning that she must hate me, but to hear her say it was completely different. It was suffocating, like the life raft popping after the shipwreck. She finally saw me as a monster.
What was worse was that I caused her to believe that she, herself was a monster. It was a grotesquely saddening idea. She had changed, that was true. It was what I wanted when I left. For her to have the opportunity to be different, to grow, but not like this.
The pieces of herself that she was forced to pick up alone didn't fit together the same way. The cracks were her sense of unworthiness, the scratches were her self-disgust, and the sharp jaded edges were her stabbing pains, all ripping into her heart and mutilating her spirit.
She'd been trying so hard to go back, hiding what she felt and thought. It wasn't fair, she was innocent. Only I was to blame. I deserve to suffer for these sins. I deserved her harsh words, and the destruction of my car. I would endure it again and again if it would alleviate her pain. It wasn't fair to her, she shouldn't have to go through this alone. I wish she would tell me, I wish she would let me in.
But she has, I realized. She tried to tell me last night, but I didn't listen. Many times, her eyes would glisten with a plea for understanding before running away, faking a smile, or forcing a lie. I didn't understand why she wouldn't tell me, but now it seemed obvious.
No more, I vowed. I could listen. I could understand and give her comfort. She won't go through this alone. I will commit every day to becoming a better man, someone that might be deserving of her.
As if the heavens had heard my declaration, the clouds parted and a ray of light landed on Bella's facel, waking her. She rolled to her side and opened her eyes.
"Good morning." I smiled, making sure to erase all traces of guilt and shame from my face. I would show her only the love that she needed.
She blinked at me, saying nothing. I held my loving stare with her empty one.
"What are you thinking?" I asked, but she remained silent, gazing off into nothingness now. I waited; I could be patient. Give her time to compose her thoughts. However, minutes passed, and it became apparent that she was not going to answer.
What was the right thing to say? How could we move past this impasse?
"I feel relieved," I said, bringing her attention back to me. "About last night, I mean."
Her brow furrowed. I scooched down from the headboard I'd been leaning against and lied beside her, face to face.
"I meant it when I said I want to know everything you think, the good and the bad. Thank you for telling me last night." I showed her my gratitude for her honesty, hiding the pain that her words had inflicted.
Her bug-eyed expression showed her shock and confusion. Her mouth opened and closed as she tried to find words to respond. Finally settling on saying nothing. So, I continued.
"Our love can't ever be the same, I see that now. I wasn't here and you changed. I can't take it back just as you can't forget, but we're both here now." Her eyes softened and I trailed my finger along her cheekbone. "It may take some time, but I believe we can grow a new love. Not exactly like our love before, but just as strong. We can get through this together." Alice's visions be damned, who was she to say that our lost future would have been better. We will make a new, better future.
She still said nothing, but many emotions crossed her face. She hid her gaze. The corner of her lips pulled down and a crease formed between her brows. She clenched her teeth and squeezed her eyes. Sighing and then peeking back at me for a moment. She sat up, pursed her lips then resolved to staring blankly out the window. She still said nothing.
"What are you thinking?" I asked again, sitting myself back up too. Her silence was killing me.
Slowly she turned her vacant eyes on me. "I can't keep doing this Edward." My name was cold on her tongue. It scared me.
"It's all or nothing." She said.
"What do you mean?" I was missing something crucial.
"I can't keep trying at this—" her finger motioned between us two, "—if it's not going anywhere." She sighed. "I love you, and I want to spend forever with you. No matter what the cost, I'm willing to give up everything for us, but if you aren't, then this needs to stop."
Why did it always come back to this? I couldn't take her soul.
"This isn't enough. Either you keep me forever, or –" she paused, "—this is the last day you ever see me."
Time slowed. Her eyes were hard and determined as she gave me her ultimatum; she meant it. I was fear stricken by the idea of losing her again. Walking away the first time had crushed me, I could not do it a second time. My existence was meaningless without her.
Yet, I could not do what she wanted.
"It's your choice." She stated with finality.
I looked into her empty brown eyes as she prepared herself for my answer. I had a choice. Which did I want? Which could I live with?
I wanted to give her all that life had to offer, which required that she stay human. I wanted her to go to college, get married, have children and grow old. I wanted this for her because I loved her.
But, the girl I loved was right here, telling me what she wanted, and she didn't want these things. She wanted an immortal life as a vampire, a damned existence. Was it selfish of me not to give her what she wanted? Did loving her give me the right to decide what was best for her?
I stared into the brown human eyes I adored. If she became like me, I would never see them again. If she didn't, the years of seeing them would still be limited. If I got 50-60 years of looking into her human eyes would it be enough? Yes, I was okay with that. I would be marking my own death date along side hers, but that was enough for me. I've lived a long time and there would be no point after she was gone.
However, from what she was saying, if I denied her wishes then she would hide those eyes from me for the rest of her life. The idea stirred a tense, heated feeling in the pit of my stomach, I held back a growl. I could not part with her now.
Then that left me no choice but to change her. How selfish could I be to steal her humanity just so I wouldn't have to part with her? It was wrong.
I thought about my family, I knew what they wanted. They wanted our family intact and me alive.
Esme and Carlisle would be grief stricken without me. Carlisle had given me a second chance at life. He had chosen me as his companion and reprioritized his morals and values with me in mind. He overlooked my sins, desiring my safety and happiness. Esme provided the loving embrace and comforting words I had always needed. My happiness was often at the forefront of her mind, eagerly waiting for me to find a mate. Their memories from last night reminded me of what my absence had caused when I decided to go out on my own in the 1920's. The parents that had comforted and forgiven, who had extended patience and loyalty, were not the same when I was gone.
I thought about Rosalie, my first sibling, my sister. She held human life as the golden standard and agreed it was the best for Bella. Yet, even she could forgive me if I were to steal Bella's chance at life. For as much as we butted heads, she loved me and wanted to see me happy. Her thoughts over the past few weeks reflected her preference forthe man I was with Bella overthe one I was without her.
Emmett and Jasper wanted Bella to be changed too. Emmett, having been chosen to join our family by Rosalie's love, related and felt for Bella unlike the rest of us. He regarded his eternal life with his mate as a blessing and understood why Bella wanted it too. Jasper, who also did not view immortality negatively, thought Bella completed our coven and brought peace to the household. If only we could remove the blood lust and fragility of her human presence.
Then there was Alice, whose mind was set on the vision she had long ago. Running at vampire speed with her best friend at her side. Bella's transformation was inevitable in her eyes. Her words from the kitchen the day we returned to Forks echoed in my head, 'This is the worst decision you have EVER made in your life. Your actions have not only hurt Bella and yourself but everyone in this family!' She was right. When I left, I was doing what I wanted. I knew better then to bet against Alice, but could I bet against my own selfishness?
It seemed I was the only one who wanted her to stay human. Yet despite all that, I was still not persuaded. My family would endure whatever was best for Bella. Why was I the only one considering the moral implications of her change?
I continued staring into her chocolate eyes. Hardly a second had passed as a contemplated her ultimatum. Yet ever so slightly, I could see her eyes darken. If I said no, this could be the last time I saw them. I could feel our time waning as the faint spark inside her iris grew dimmer, pulling with them my very life. Her sense of resignation choking me into a panic.
"I don't know what the right thing to do is." I blurted out in desperation.
"Say 'yes,'" She muttered dryly, her droopy glaze on the bed sheets.
She said this was my choice but maybe it wasn't. Maybe the right thing wasn't about making the right choice. Maybe being selfless isn't about giving up what you want, but rather giving others what they want. I knew what my loved ones wanted. This choice wasn't about me.
"Okay." I told her. I could be selfless. "I'll change you. Whenever you want." The brown orbs I adored shot back up, and from them came something I had not seen in a long time. The spark I had just watched fade came slowly back and her eyes widened. Love and trust and especially hope now shined through my angel's eyes, glistening as they stared straight into mine. It was the look she had given me our first time in the meadow and each time she had pronounced her love for me. It was the look I vowed to never let fade again.
I was all in.
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