Chapter 34 / Childhood Friends
The alarm clock kept ringing.
Ren's arm reached out desperately to stop the constant buzzing close to his ear. It took a few attempts, but he managed to slam his fist right on top of the snooze function. It wouldn't be long until the noise returned to him, but five minutes of grace might be what he needed the most right now.
After all, he was starting to already regret his personal appeal to his parents. His stomach felt like there were butterflies fluttering about, while his body was allured to being sunken into his bed. Ren wasn't too sure he wanted to get out, but this entire problem was brought onto himself.
"I want to go back to sleep though…"
As he rolled over, he noticed that there was a shadow standing right in front of the closed blinds. In his daze, all he did was lazily glance over before a stuttering sound summoned light into his room. He wanted to hiss at the cruel act, but it wasn't going to get him any leverage, so to protect himself, he was left to cover up with a blanket.
"Oh, come on. I knew you weren't a morning person, but seriously? It's this bad?"
"It's not the mornings that bother me. And knock before you come in first, damn it."
"Even if I knocked, you wouldn't respond."
"At least I'd be aware of your presence beforehand."
Ren peeked outside of his blanket to see Itsuki standing there, already in his uniform.
"Where the hell are you heading to this early?"
"I'm usually already prepared at this time. I guess I haven't gotten used to being decently close to the school I'm attending, but it's better to be earlier than late."
If Ren were to ask him about that stance around the time they first met, Itsuki would have said something else. Although, it still didn't explain the gungho attitude he was emitting.
"We'll come on time then. What's the rush?"
"It's your first day of highschool! Come on! I wanted to show you around before school starts! It's my job as your upperclassman, after all!"
"I'm never calling you by that, by the way."
Itsuki grunted at the notion, but he already knew that if the "senpai" suffix was added by Ren unironically, something would have been definitely wrong. The joke might have landed flat, since Ren rolled back over to try and ignore any further advances.
"Hey! If you keep slouching around like a potato, we'll really be late for classes!" Itsuki pounced at Ren, trying to shake him awake. "Naofumi is trying to help us out by making breakfast for everyone! Motoyasu's out at the table already too."
"We met Iwatani for the first time a week ago. Why does he care?"
"I think that falls under the category of being a good person and a good roommate." Itsuki backed up, lifting a finger. "And Naofumi said that it was alright to call him by his first name, right? You don't have to be so reserved."
"Yeah, I'll think about it…"
Ren sighed, slinking himself out from the bed. The pain of going to an actual highschool was that he had to abide by their time schedules. When he was being homeschooled, his parents practically gave him the early morning to sleep-in however he wanted. This was a new experience for this.
"Is Iwatani even a good cook?"
"Beggars can't be choosers. Do you know how to cook?"
"I don't know. I haven't tried."
"If it means anything, Motoyasu says he's extremely good."
"Is that so…?"
"Well, I'll see you out there." Itsuki turned away. "Make sure you don't try to fall asleep again."
"Maybe, maybe not."
Itsuki left Ren alone in his room, exposed to the sunlight at long last.
Getting himself all cleaned up and ready, he put on his freshman uniform. It felt a little stuffy for his liking, but any openings for complaints were gone for depositing. Carrying out his satchel bag, he walked into the kitchen space where the dining table had been connected outwards for four people. So far, only two folks took their seats, while the third one had been in the kitchen with an umami scent overwhelming the air. Even Ren had to gulp a bit from the olfactory overload.
"Ah, Ren finally comes out of hiding! Good morning!"
"..."
Motoyasu's boisterous voice hadn't been playing nicely with Ren ever since he moved into the apartment. While it was obvious that the man meant well, it doesn't change the results.
Ren silently took his seat next to his childhood friend and across from the flamboyant roommate.
"Morning, Kitamura."
"It's Motoyasu! Mo-to-ya-su! I already gave you permission to call me by my first name! As roommates from here on out, we should definitely get to know each other better!"
"... I still technically haven't given you permission to call me by my first name."
"Don't worry about those details! Itsuki said it was alright!"
Ren glared at Itsuki through the corner of his eye. Itsuki responded by pretending not to notice, but before Ren could say anything further, a plate was lowered down in front of him. Ren glanced to the opposite side to see Naofumi standing there with a smile.
"Good morning, Amaki."
"Morning to you too, Iwatani."
"I think Itsuki told you already, but I went about making breakfast for everyone today. It's nothing too complicated though, just some omelets on rice with some kimchi on the side."
"Believe it or not," Motoyasu added in, "but Naofumi was the one to make the kimchi too! It's been fermenting for a bit, so take your time to enjoy it! You won't regret it!"
"I'm still experimenting with the ratios though, so it's not going to be anywhere near perfect…"
"Really? It already seems pretty good to me!"
Naofumi finished plating everything on the table and took his seat. Ren couldn't tear his eyes away from the breakfast presented before him and after the group said their thanks, he picked up the chopsticks and took his first bite.
He widened his eyes, surprised by the exploding flavors in his mouth. It was merely an omelet, but it was conjuring up such vivid intensies. It was as if it was cooked by a god himself, but Ren did his best to keep himself calm and reserved.
"I, uh, guess it's pretty good."
"Pretty good?" Itsuki scoffed as he wolfed down another bite. "Man, it's more than pretty good! I can't stop eating this! It's amazing!"
"H-hey, slow down a bit. You don't want to accidentally choke on something…"
As breakfast went on, Naofumi and Motoyasu made small talk. Itsuki was even joining in, already getting accustomed to their company, but all Ren did was keep quiet as he finished his food. Whether he liked it or not though, Motoyasu kept trying to pull him into the conversation.
"Hey, so is it true? Were you really home-schooled right up to middle school?"
"What does it matter to you?"
"Well, I think it's pretty cool. Having your parents be around like that must be great!"
"It was a tutor, not my parents, that taught me."
"Oh, I see! Do you think you can adapt to high school properly?"
"... I don't know. Thanks for the meal."
Breaking off the conversation haphazardly, Ren brought his bowls over to the sink to wash them. Motoyasu glanced over at Itsuki, as if to silently ask if he went too far, but all Itsuki did was shrug. Naofumi came up to Ren, since he had also finished his meal and waited for the sink to be freed up.
In the meantime, Naofumi leaned against the counter and placed his plates down, just along the edge of Ren's peripheral. While Ren didn't acknowledge him, Naofumi still spoke.
"I won't tell you how to live your life and present yourself, but Motoyasu was just trying to be friendly. If you say it outright that it's bothering you, Motoyasu will definitely listen to you. He's the type of guy who tries to make people happy."
"In other words, a playboy."
"... I, uh, can't exactly deny that, haha."
Shaking off Ren's comment, Naofumi smiled.
"Though, I think Motoyasu has the right idea. If we're going to be living together for a while, I think it'll benefit all of us if we become friends. I'm not asking for you to do anything crazy, but…" Naofumi scratched his head sheepishly. "Maybe we can help each other out whenever needed."
"..."
"I think you're a nice person, Amaki. Even when you're giving both of us the cold shoulder, from how I see you interact with Itsuki, I can tell your heart's in the right place. You can rely on us if you need help. There won't be any problems brought up, unless Motoyasu and I are busy. We are older than you two, after all."
Ren placed his bowl and utensils onto the dish rack before drying his hands. He moved out of the way for Naofumi while making a little sigh.
"... I'll think about it."
Naofumi chuckled. "It's fine. That's all I'm asking."
Since Naofumi and Motoyasu had classes later in the day, only Ren and Itsuki departed from the apartment. They were walking down the street, enjoying the beautiful spring day, until Itsuki tapped Ren on his shoulder. The friend glanced over to see Itsuki giving a soft smile.
"What do you think of them?"
"They're fine, I guess. I wish they would give me some personal space."
"I think you have to lighten up a little. You don't have many friends, right?"
"You really didn't have to word it like that."
"It's still true. Since you were homeschooled, you probably didn't get a chance to meet many other kids your age. You even told me that I was your first friend, so it doesn't take that much extrapolation to assume the rest."
Ren glanced away, seeing some of the neighborhood trees waving along the subtle wind.
"So, tell me. What is that you were actually thinking about during the entire breakfast? You looked a bit distracted while you were eating and I don't think it was because you were absolutely mesmerized by his food."
Ren hesitated a bit, glancing back and forth as if to make sure no one else was around.
"... Do you think I should get something in return for Iwatani since he cooked for us? I, uhm, don't want to come off as leeching off his home cooking or anything like that."
"You think Naofumi wants something in return? He's the one to offer breakfast for us."
"It's not like that, but…"
Ren grimaced, watching the few cars on the streets pass by as they kept their slow pace. His brief silence was met with Itsuki smirking.
"Do you think they're going to hate you if you don't do the right thing?"
"I'd hate to admit it, but I'm not really sure how to be friends with someone."
If anything, it certainly felt easier to keep them at an arm's length.
One can't disappoint someone that doesn't have expectations, after all. That might have been partly the reason why he wanted to stop homeschooling to begin with and even move out like this. Having his parent pilot over him, making sure his education was nothing less than perfect, it certainly made for a suffocating experience he wouldn't wish on his worst enemies, if he had any.
"You're friends with me."
"That's besides the point."
"I think that is the point. I think you're overthinking it way too much. Naofumi and Motoyasu both see you as a friend already, so what's stopping you?"
"Overthinking it, huh…?"
Ren glanced up to above them as they arrived at the school premise. Along the path, there were cherry blossom trees waving in the wind as the other students filled the rest of the background. The image of his first steps, painted with the spring brush of new beginnings, were almost imprinted into his mind, almost mesmerizing his thoughts.
It had been a few years since the incident with the serial killer and no matter how much he reflected on it, he felt almost nothing about killing him, especially when he knew that Itsuki's life was at risk. And even so, his friend never knew the truth because Ren wasn't sure how Itsuki would react to him having blood on his hands. It probably wasn't even anything serious, but he couldn't muster the strength to say it. He wasn't even sure why, but if things kept going as they did, there wasn't a reason to say it.
Maybe it was because he was scared of just how far he would go.
Maybe he didn't say it, not because he was scared of what Itsuki would think, but because he was scared of what it might validate. After all, Ren didn't hold back in helping Itsuki fight back against his bullies, sending them away with bruises. And if there were more people he considered as his friends, he wondered if he could end up doing something similar if it was within his power to do so.
Or perhaps, that was the excuse he was making for himself.
"If you think too much about it," Itsuki said, "you'll have already defeated the purpose."
"Huh? Isn't that from—"
"A quote from Dimension Force. It might be something you have to think about with all that brooding of yours. Keep that up alongside your scowls and you'll end up scaring your classmates. You won't be making friends like that and it would be pretty sad if I'm your only friend in the building."
Ren sighed. "Oh, c'mon. Don't make fun of me."
"I'm making fun of you because it's true. You always look like you're thinking about something, so I'm telling you to knock it off. I know you're a capable guy, but if you really need any help—"
Itsuki walked forward and looked over his shoulder.
"—I'll always be there." Itsuki grinned. "That's what childhood friends are for."
"Well, I don't want to cause any inconveniences for you."
"And there you are, overthinking it again. You're not always by yourself, you know. I know you like to solve your problems by yourself, but I'm always willing to help if you ask me."
Ren scratched his head, leering the other way.
There were things he wanted to say, but he settled with a few words with a heavy sigh.
"Fine. Do whatever you want."
"Wait, that's not how it works!"
Just as Itsuki was about to argue, the first bell started ringing. Some of the students were starting to pick up the pace, and Itsuki was no different.
"Actually, never mind! C'mon! We need to get a move on!"
"So that's the warning bell, huh? Alright, I'm coming."
On that day among the cherry blossoms, a small thought occurred as Ren followed.
On that day in the rain, he wondered who it was that had been truly saved.
-/IV/-
Before he knew it, Itsuki's fist collided with Ren once again.
His mind hadn't caught up to the reason why they were fighting in the first place yet, but he was forced to put up his guard nevertheless. However, Ren's fists couldn't close on itselves like Itsuki's. He merely held them in place as Itsuki struck fiercely. There weren't too many, but the pounding against Ren's arms had started to make him budge. It wasn't a mystery why his stance slowly broke off, letting Itsuki jab straight through at his chest.
Coughing from the jolt of pain, Ren staggered backwards and used the momentum to get away from Itsuki. While trying to put his guard back up, Ren could see that his fingers were shaking. Itsuki saw it as well, and his arms fell down to the side, but his hands hadn't unclenched.
Itsuki glanced up to the sky, where gray clouds were starting to form, but he ignored those signs of shifting weather to look over to Ren. His glare was powerful, unyielding of its pressure.
"Why are you acting like this?"
"What… are you talking about…?"
"Don't try to act dumb. You aren't acting like yourself." Itsuki held up a fist and pointed it to Ren. "There's no way you wouldn't have taken all of those attacks normally. Even if you weren't planning to retaliate, you would have evaded at least half of my punches. Maybe even more than that."
"What if I didn't want to dodge? What if I just wanted this nonsense to wrap up as quickly as possible?" Ren grunted, almost growling back defensively. "I said it already that we have no reason to fight and… letting you beat me up is the fastest way to resolve this."
"Wouldn't the fastest way to end this be to knock me out?"
"You're not listening to me."
"And you're not listening to me! Isn't it crazy how that works!?"
Itsuki's explosive shift in tone caused Ren to flinch.
"I understand that you have a preference on doing things by yourself, but I've always thought that if you needed any help, you would always come to one of us. That's what I believed in. And now that I'm finding you in such a situation, you aren't doing any of that. You're standing still."
"My problems…" Ren bit on his lips momentarily, glancing away. "They're my problems and my problems alone. I don't know where you got the preconceived notion that I need to let you guys handle it. I'm only going through a rough spot, but it's still something I can—"
"I don't want to hear that."
Itsuki clenched his teeth and stomped his foot.
"Those lies are the last things that I want to hear from you! You think I can't tell something so obvious like that!? Saying that you can handle it!? Take a look at yourself! Is that really what you believe or are you trying to make excuses!?"
"... Shut up already."
"You know that I'm here to help you whenever you need me to!"
"... Just shut up already."
"Why does it matter if I stop talking!? You aren't listening to me at all!"
Itsuki closed the distance and while Ren tried to retreat instinctively, his sloppy footwork allowed Itsuki to easily land a few more punches. It casted Ren staggering backwards, crashing into a tree, but before he could fall over, Itsuki grabbed his collar and pushed him against the bark. Ren's body did nothing to resist the rough force whiplashing against him.
That lack of energy stirred some scrutiny in Itsuki. His eyes narrowed as Ren's very own hadn't even gaze upward once during their little skirmish, if it could even be called that.
His face merely grew red as his fist clenched once more, almost having his fingers dig right into his palm. The height difference was almost negligible as Itsuki struck Ren over and over again, but there was still no response from him. Ren had merely been taking all of his attacks, not bothering to even move.
At some point, Itsuki stopped and lowered his hand to his side. His other hand released Ren from his grip, letting the childhood friend collapse, sitting upright against the tree.
The ramifications of HP hadn't even been a consideration for Itsuki, even as he caused some bruising to show up on Ren's body. All he could focus on was his own ragged breath and the gut-wrenching butterflies that were growing in his stomach.
The silence between them made that feeling even worse, making Itsuki back up a bit with a heavy sigh. He wasn't sure what else to do, considering this was a side of Ren he had never seen before. Priding himself as someone who knew Ren the best as his childhood friend, it certainly didn't feel that way to him now. From the angle he was standing, he couldn't even see Ren's eyes under his bangs.
"Answer me…"
Itsuki could still hear his friend's breathing and his fingers moving, but words still refused to leave his mouth. The sight was leaving Itsuki more frustrated by the second.
"Say something already!"
"What do you even want me to say?"
"Tell me what's going on with you! That's all I want!"
"I already gave you my answer."
"Don't fuck with me!"
His eyes were filled with anger and sadness, a hesitant firmness that shook with a solid foundation. It was as if Itsuki's emotions were sprawling all over the place, simply trying to understand the same emotions that Ren had been experiencing, but he would constantly fail without the needed input.
Another silence bridged between them as Ren's hand slid to chest, wincing from the pain.
"Does it hurt?"
"You're not… exactly pulling your punches here…"
"What do you think is hurting more? Your bruises? Or me?"
Itsuki bit his lips, unable to keep eye contact.
"Are you not telling me what's going on because you don't trust me? Despite all the time we've spent together, do you still not believe that I would genuinely help you out?"
"That's… That's not…"
"Even though we're all friends—Naofumi and Motoyasu included—it's like you still have some sort of barrier around you. Even after knowing you for so long, it's only now that I've come to realize this. It's like there's something stopping you from acknowledging us."
Ren knew that it wasn't true. He didn't know how Itsuki could blatantly accuse him of being as cruel as that, but no matter how much he wanted to deny it, something was stopping him in his throat.
Ren's mind knew that it wasn't true, but could it be something else?
"If you think too much about it," Itsuki whispered, "you'll have already defeated the purpose."
Ren flinched upon hearing that quote again.
"You said that to Motoyasu on the day of Naofumi's trial. He said that it was those words that echoed to him during his fight with Naofumi. It was what allowed him to rush in to protect him, but Motoyasu was always an outgoing guy. He wears his heart on his sleeve, so I think that's why those words worked so well for him."
Itsuki grimaced.
"Compared to you, I don't know where you're putting your heart, Ren. Not in the slightest. How is it that I know how Motoyasu is living by his heart now, but I can't figure out the same for you? I think I found the answer to that, just by seeing how you're willing to take hits like this."
The thin blades of grass subtly waved against the weak wind.
"You keep thinking with your head. You keep thinking about what-ifs and buts. While you're over there, being the same person to preach to Motoyasu about what he did, you can't even set yourself straight. You can move forwards, but it's never with your heart. That's your problem, Ren."
Leering out from the corner of his eyes, Itsuki tried to continue.
"That's why—"
However, he caught a glimpse of Ren rushing forwards, throwing out his retaliation. His hand crashed through the cold breeze, but it was still too slow. Itsuki was able to block it on a mere reflex, but despite Ren's bruises, it held weight. Itsuki could feel his friend's fist shaking against his forearm.
"Did I finally touch a nerve?"
"I told you…!" Ren bit down on his teeth. "I told you already to shut up!"
"Make me!"
Ren swung wildly as Itsuki backed up. His movements were still too telegraphed. Itsuki was able to block Ren's punches with ease before catching one of his fists. A tug pulled Ren closer as Itsuki countered with a deep strike to the gut. He followed up with a sway of his arm, knocking Ren back. His friend staggered, but he didn't keep himself back this time. Ren bounced right back into the fray.
Ren fired off a straight jab, but Itsuki carefully bypassed it with a single step and returned the movement back to Ren. A heavy impact crashed against Ren's cheek, threatening the sound of a crack, but all it did was send him stumbling away.
Itsuki shook his hand to ease the tensed nerves inside of it as he paced himself towards his friend. As Ren tried to stand back up, a curved hook knocked him off his feet again.
Just because there was retaliation from Ren, it didn't mean Itsuki planned on slowing down. He was carrying too much irritation within him to stop here.
And like a short-blown fuse, Ren was back to keeping himself on the ground. He tried pushing himself up, swaying onto his feet, but he couldn't move a single inch from where he was.
Glaring through his bangs, he murmured.
"I don't understand…"
Itsuki raised his eyebrow as he stopped in his place.
"Do you know what might be happening in Errnthon after we killed its governor? We don't know for sure if what we did made a net positive for the citizens."
"You're asking about that? Seriously? What's making you suddenly take a step backwards?"
"I don't understand how you can keep moving forward like this."
"It's not a matter of choice. I move forwards because I have to. We can't stop and trudge our feet in trenches like what you're doing here! I act with justice, doing what I can to protect people who are innocent. Why do I have to say something that's so obvious to you?"
"What if you make a mistake while acting in your way of justice?"
"A mistake? I wouldn't be making a mistake in my justice."
Ren clicked his tongue. "That's easy for you to say when you haven't experienced it."
"You're wrong." Itsuki shook his head. "I can say it so easily because I earnestly believe in my justice. I want my justice to flourish and stand tall, so that's why I won't stop at anything to help those of innocence that have been wrongly and unjustifiably done-in by evil."
"And what if it causes problems… for Naofumi and Motoyasu…? For Raphtalia, Eclair, and Rishia…? Maybe even for Sakura too, if she understood its gravity…?"
"Huh? For them?" Itsuki widened his eyes. "Killing the governor already caused us problems, didn't it? Because of what we did, I'm pretty sure the Church knew the area of where we were."
"How could you still say killing the governor was still the right call?"
"Because that's what I believe in my heart."
Ren stiffened.
"And I'm starting to see what's going on. You're thinking too much with your head. And that's what's coming back to bite you. You think that if we do this too much, everyone else will abandon us. Just like when you were younger, you always made sure I was never in a bad mood, because you were scared, weren't you? That's what the logic in your head is telling you, but if you're so scared of it, let me tell you something about that."
Ren watched Itsuki walk up to him.
He expected him to throw another punch, but he grabbed onto his collar and pulled forwards.
"I hate it."
Their skulls smashed together. Ren fell backwards, but Itsuki was suffering the same pain. He gritted his teeth and held onto his forehead to muster his words.
"I hate seeing all of this. I hate the hesitation crawling beneath your skin, I hate the dread that's running through your body, and I hate the thoughts that think that a problem like this can be solved by a single person! This isn't you!"
Ren rolled up, slowly getting onto a knee, but that was all he could muster. He flinched, holding his forehead the same way Itsuki had been doing so. And yet through his pain, his whispers managed to be caught by the tailwind.
"Maybe… you didn't know me to begin with…"
Itsuki widened his eyes, thinking he might have heard wrong, but in the silence, he could only find himself laughing. He couldn't find it as anything else except for being humorous.
"Are you trying to make a bad joke?"
"What?"
Itsuki's hand removed itself from his head, leaving a visible red bruise.
"...You know, it was Dimension Force that showed me the world of ideals that I wanted to follow. That game showed me that such justice can exist to save people in dire need of help, so I wanted to be like them, but I could never do anything like that. I couldn't even imagine it because even with those ideals, I lacked something that you gave to me when we met in the hospital."
Itsuki lifted a finger and pointed it to Ren.
"It was the strength and willpower to do what was needed. From the moment you came up to fight back against the bullies with me, I've always looked up to you as my image of strength. That's why I'm always chasing after you. I always thought of you as strong, so that's why it aggravates me to think of the idea that this strength comes from someone who can't even see how strong he is."
Ren couldn't believe what he was hearing.
"You, chasing after me? Aren't you the one making the bad jokes here?"
After all, Itsuki had been the one being able to move forwards no matter what he did. All Ren could do after tripping up was stay down and relegate himself down to the sidelines. That didn't sound like a strength that should be followed to him, but Itsuki disagreed.
"I don't see it like that. I think it's only your thoughts that are weak, but that heart, the part of you that keeps itself hidden from everyone else, is the part that's strong. You're holding yourself back, whether you intended to or not, because of that."
Hearing that angered him again for some reason. Ren couldn't put his finger on it, but it might have been a simple defense mechanism. He refused to hear anymore of it, pumping in enough adrenaline to slowly stand back up with his hand tightened.
"Going to punch me again?" Itsuki beckoned Ren with both hands. "Try it. We've already been through this. You're not putting anything into those punches!"
If this was a normal fight, it would likely be an even match. That much, Itsuki would attest to, so as long as Ren was refusing to accept the truth, he would always have the upperhand.
Nevertheless, Ren didn't heed his words. Itsuki was prepared to take however long it took.
Once more, Ren aimlessly stumbled forwards with hasty swings, but Itsuki could dodge them with ease, maybe even with more than before. Itsuki merely watched his friend crumble away, tearing himself apart like this, and it hurt to have Ren not see the hand that he was extending out.
His fist soared right past Ren's pathetic assault, striking him in the gut once more. The shortness of breath caused Ren to gasp, hunching over to catch himself, but Itsuki took his leg and swept it at Ren's feet, tripping him over onto the ground.
"I'm not a mind reader." Itsuki crouched down to Ren. "I'm just your childhood friend. I won't know everything that's happening if you don't tell me."
If it was so easy to talk about his fears and his anxieties, he would have probably done so already. He didn't even know how he came to be this sort of person in the first place. Before he knew it, he was already a person that couldn't even face himself, but it might have been the manner of his upbringing. All his parents were focused on for his education were done on his lonesome, so he was frequently surrounded by other adults, never kids his age.
The only other hobbies he had were playing his video games, and that quickly spiraled down into a lonely life. Without any siblings, that was simply how it went.
When he finally came across Itsuki in that rain, he didn't want to do anything to cause a rift between them. That was likely the moment where his anxieties started to build, ironically stemming from the person trying to help him right now. Or it might have been that Ren was shifting the blame all of a sudden, trying to justify his silence in front of Itsuki.
What was it? Why couldn't he figure out a clear answer for himself?
What had been the reality of his situation and the excuses he made up to hide from that reality?
Why was it so difficult to figure himself out?
What… What was he even looking for?
Eclair was right in saying that his friends would forgive him if he talked about what he did behind their backs, but that wasn't enough for Ren. Could he even be certain as to the reasoning he gave to Eclair as being truthful, or was it another excuse for himself to use in order to run away from what was really keeping himself back?
Questions kept running through Ren's mind, being no closer to a satisfying answer.
The gray clouds started to act on their warning. A decent shower of rain trickled down from the skies, causing Itsuki to look up. The pelting droplets immediately reminded him of the day that they met and the circumstances he was once in, twisting his mouth into a bittersweet smile.
"I guess I wasn't any different." A small laugh came from Itsuki. "I never told you about my bullies, did I? It took some time for you to figure that out for yourself, but I think at that time, I ran out of hope. I didn't want to get hurt any further than what I was already experiencing, so I closed off my heart to everyone, trying to numb the pain until I couldn't take it anymore."
Itsuki sighed.
"That's why I can't stand seeing you keep to yourself. I'd hate to think that you, like me in my childhood, ran out of hope, even when your friends are here by your side. Do you not believe in us?"
"That's… not it." As the coldness of the rain seeped into his clothes, Ren found himself speaking without the train of thought leading his words. "It's not that I don't believe in you guys."
He slowly rolled himself over, looking up to the gray skies with dirt sticking to his cheek.
"Then what is it? Do you just not want our help? Do you not want to rely on us?"
For all that he had done in this world, the notion of being strong always rang in his ears. It was the trait of the holy sword, but once things started spiraling downwards, he thought he needed to use that strength in order to protect his friends, just as he did when he was younger. However, his instincts led him to always do things by himself. Whether it was the investigation of the Church, rushing in to fight the mutated plant monster, or taking on the horde of guards at the governor's manor, he always saw the one blade in his hand as what he needed to push onwards.
"Not wanting your help…"
Why was it that he couldn't ask for help?
"Yeah, I… I think… it's because I don't want to rely on you guys so much."
Those were the words he wanted to say the entire time.
"Relying on people… is a strange feeling for me. As a kid, I've always learned how to do everything by myself or with little instruction. I was taught to be independent in order to be successful."
Since it was that sort of road that gave his parents the wealth that they had, it must have been why Ren was sent down that road too. Their work, however, kept them away from Ren often, so he never had the opportunity to learn to depend on even his parents for a single moment.
"I don't want to cause you guys trouble, so that's why I try to end up doing everything I need to do by myself. It stems from thinking that I need to be able to rely on myself, enclosing my heart even if what I was doing had been the wrong choice. Because you're my friends, I don't want to be too much of a nuisance to everyone, but I keep messing up, don't I?"
The investigation of the Church ended in Itsuki needing to break him out of jail. The brash assault on the plant monster ended up resolved by Naofumi instead, making most of his own efforts void. The fight at the governor's manor ended up what placed them on the map for the Three Heroes Church. Now that he thought about it, most of the instances that he tried to go off to do something by himself, there was either a negative connotation by the end of it.
"And yet, look how that turned out. Even now, you guys are still in the midst of fixing the problems I've caused for you. None of you would have needed to step into Riyute if I didn't get myself caught by their guards." Ren gulped. "I think that's what I've been feeling this entire time. I'm finally able to put it into proper words instead of making excuses."
Ren wryly smiled.
"You guys must feel pretty annoyed with me."
"I can't speak for everyone else, but my honest answer? Yeah, you've been bugging me this entire time, but have you seen me, or even any of us, complain in a drastic measure?"
"You could easily do that behind my back."
"Really? Would we? Or are you making excuses again?"
Itsuki cheekily smirked as he crouched down to Ren.
"Do you think anyone in the group would talk badly about you behind your back?"
"Sakura."
"Okay, besides her," Itsuki groaned, "but if you can crack a joke like that, I'm guessing that your mood is feeling a bit better. What else is on your mind while you're like that? I do kinda want to get out of the rain as soon as possible, so tell me already. You don't need to always rely on yourself to solve your problems. You've got a troublemaker right here with you, ready to make it worse."
"Is that supposed to cheer me up?"
"Is it though?"
Ren, at long last, made a soft laugh.
"We're friends. Our bonds won't break so easily. If that Myne bitch couldn't break Motoyasu away from our group, a few little mistakes from you isn't going to do much."
"I don't know about that."
"Oh, come on. Motoyasu helped cause this whole mess to begin with and we haven't kicked him out yet. Are you saying that we should?"
"Nah." Ren smiled. "I know we wouldn't."
"I'm not asking you to suddenly depend on us for everything, but if you find yourself in a bind, you can always count on us to drop everything we're doing in order to help out. I know I shouldn't be talking for everyone, but I honestly believe that's what would happen. Let your heart depend on us for a change instead of letting it console itself in a prison."
"Now that I have the words to know what's wrong, maybe I can do just that."
"Well, you seem like you're back to your normal self. Maybe a little bit softer, but that's still you, just one I haven't seen in a long time." Once he stood up, Itsuki extended his hand, just as Ren did for him on the day that they met. "Now then, let's go back to the group. They're probably wondering where the hell we went once Naofumi finished making the food."
"Right."
His fingers twitched and slowly reached out for Itsuki, but from where Itsuki had been standing, it was slightly too far from his arm's length. Itsuki chuckled and leaned in, grabbing Ren's palm with a clap and tugged his friend up to his feet. His equipment was a little muddy from laying on the ground, so he might have to come up with an excuse as to why Ren looked so roughed up.
"Thanks, Itsuki."
"No problem, I'm always—"
Suddenly, Itsuki was blindsided by Ren's fist.
"Huh? Grah!"
His swing knocked Itsuki down onto the ground as he grunted in pain. Ren hadn't been holding back in his strike, but the reason behind the attack was more distressing to Itsuki. He flicked his head over to Ren as he clutched his cheek in agony.
"What was that for!?"
"My retaliation. You were still egging me on the entire time, right? I don't know if it's just the gaming nature of my Brave Star Online, but I'm not too keen on leaving the fight as my loss."
"Damn it, Ren! You're such a kid!"
Despite saying that, Itsuki was laughing as he got up on his feet. He threw up his hands, keen to swoop down to Ren's level and continue the fight, even if it was meaningless now. Ren brushed his wet hair to the side and held a similar fighting stance as Itsuki as the two of them closed in on one another without mentioning another word.
Blow-by-blow, Ren was keeping up with Itsuki this time as they threw out their hands as quickly as they could. Ren kept catching them, Itsuki kept avoiding them. When they stumbled backwards from clashing their fists, they would be right back to trading their barrages within a few seconds. None of them were wanting to give a single advantage to the other, but even when Ren had been the one that started with a detriment, it was difficult to figure that out from how he was moving.
Ren started to incorporate his feet, trying to pivot his arm's momentum into his kicks to put Itsuki on the defensive, but his opponent had been his childhood friend. Itsuki was already accustomed to seeing his kicks, blocking each incoming foot with his arm. After letting Ren whiff one of his kicks, Itsuki closed the distance and launched out his fist, but Ren planned for them, spinning quickly to retaliate with one of his own punches.
Both hands narrowly missed each other and struck their targets. The force used behind them sent both of them flying away from each other, crashing onto the ground, but they weren't out yet. Ren and Itsuki laughed as they got back up, ready to charge at each other once more.
And so they did.
-/IV/-
"Well, I suppose that's one way to handle it, Sir Itsuki."
Hiding behind a tree, Eclair had been watching the entire interaction from a distance. She certainly noticed them leaving from the group and alerted the others that she would go ahead to make sure everything would be fine. Somehow though, Naofumi and Motoyasu were both insistent that if Itsuki was the one taking Ren somewhere, that the matter concerning whatever Ren was going through would be resolved. That was the amount of trust and belief that they had, but Eclair simply wanted to make sure.
She would leave them if their topic became too personal, or intervened if things had become too violent, but seeing the two teenagers foolishly beat each other up for their own amusement, it was difficult for her to not find her own satisfaction in it as well.
All in all, she was happy that Ren was able to get his two feet back on the ground again. It was probably still a long way until Ren could get a grip on himself, but for a growing teenager, this was already good enough for him.
"Keep on growing, Sir Ren."
With a smile on her face, Eclair left them to do what they pleased. She simply hoped that they wouldn't hurt each other too much and that they wouldn't be able to get back to the campsite.
-/IV/-
"You… really didn't… hold back…"
"I could… say the same… to you…"
Ren and Itsuki were lying on the ground, covered in bruises and mud. The entire fight had been a complete blur and when they both calmed themselves down, this was the position they found themselves in. It was almost comedic to them as to how they likely left the fight to a draw. For every attack that someone landed, it would expose an opening for a counter, and that pattern kept going on until they didn't have any energy left in their tanks.
Even so, they were still laughing with each other.
At the very least, the rain had already let up a bit.
"So, now that we got that out of the way and things are getting back to normal with you…" Itsuki turned his head to see Ren. "Whatever you were going through, it clearly wasn't what we did in Errnthon that set you off. It was what happened in Grenze, right? What did you find out that caused you to start dragging your feet like that?"
"Maybe I'll talk about it once everyone is around. Getting everything out is putting me in a decent mood, as well as finally realizing what my problem was. I guess telling everyone is as good a step as anything to changing what I deemed as normal."
"Then maybe we should get our asses up and meet up with them. Naofumi and the others must definitely be wondering where the hell we went off to."
"Yeah, you're right."
Ren groaned, lifting himself off the ground.
Even though potions might fill up whatever numerical stats they took off during their little fight, it wouldn't settle down the soreness in their bodies. Though, if they asked Naofumi, he would probably figure out some sort of medicine that might at least ease the pain.
Itsuki shortly followed, grunting as he flinched from pulling a muscle.
Before he fell over, Ren caught him.
"Does this mean I win?"
"You wish," Itsuki scoffed.
Using Ren as a crutch, the two boys started leaving to return to the camp. They weren't thinking it might have been an easy time explaining why they were so beat up, but when they started seeing everyone else, only Rishia had been the one that had been shocked. It was as if they already knew what had happened.
"Fueee…" Rishia, in her panic, scrambled around the two guys. "D-Do you two need some help!? YYou look really hurt!"
"Yeah, maybe we should have cleaned up before coming back," Itsuki chuckled. "It's mostly dirt at this point, but some ointment on some of our bruises might be helpful."
"Ointment, coming right up," Naofumi amusingly sighed.
The rain made things a little difficult for Naofumi to finish cooking, but he managed to get some soup out thanks to a tent they put up to guard the food from rainwater. As Naofumi had Motoyasu stir the soup with Sakura providing company, Naofumi and Rishia both helped Ren and Itsuki get themselves sorted out. They got some towels to wipe the dirt off the two boys and Naofumi and Rishia started applying the medicine while Raphtalia and Eclair stood on standby for any assistance to them.
Though, they ended up mainly being there for conversation.
"... What?" Ren grunted. "Are you not going to ask about what happened to us?"
"It's a bit difficult to be surprised when we were already told about it. Eclair followed you guys when you tried to slip off, but she left when she knew that everything was in good hands. Although, we don't know the context for it, it would be for a good reason if you guys went this hard on each other."
Naofumi blankly stared at Ren's bruises.
"Seriously, did you guys even hold back? I'd shudder to think what would have happened if you and Itsuki were in the positions of me and Motoyasu back in the castle…"
"It was very important for us to not hold back," Itsuki smirked.
"Very important," Ren nodded. "If we lightened up, there would have been no point to it."
"Uh, that's… good to know."
Naofumi wasn't sure if he understood. Or if he wanted to understand.
"So what? Eclair was actually keeping an eye on us while we fought?" Itsuki asked.
"Yes. Apologies for that, Sir Ren and Sir Itsuki. I simply wanted to make sure that there weren't going to be any severe problems. However, it does appear that Sir Ren has his vigor back. Will we be seeing you back on the frontlines with everyone else?"
Ren glanced down at his hand and lifted it to touch the handle of his sword. It still felt like there was something stopping him from pulling it out. He might be able to force himself to draw the sword, but there wasn't any reason to do so. At the very least, he wasn't frightened by the idea of drawing it anymore. His body probably needed time to adjust itself back into the nature of fighting.
"Not yet. I'll stay away from fighting until I can get back into my mindset and so, uh…" Ren scratched his head. "I'll be counting you guys to carry my weight for now."
"Don't worry, Mister Ren." Raphtalia energetically pumped her fist. "We'll definitely fight for your share, so please rely on us."
"Not that we'll need four Cardinal Heroes fighting at a single time," Itsuki added. "Even against our worst enemies, that might be overkill. That head nun knew we were too much and that persisting in their efforts would be suicide. We haven't even had a large fight where all four of us were required, other than escaping the castle together."
"Wait, but what about Ren's levels…?" Rishia asked.
Ren glanced over with his sharp eyes.
"My levels?"
"S-Sorry! I-I didn't mean anything bad, but I'm just—"
"I'll… figure something out about that," Ren sighed. "If push comes to shove, I can probably still fight enough to keep the normal enemies at bay. My levels aren't too important compared to the strengthening methods. If I had to drop one or the other, it would definitely be my level."
Rishia was surprised by the casual way Ren had answered. For the moment, it placed her fumbling words on hold until Eclair spoke up.
"That's perfect timing. We could always give Rishia more training, so we'll simply tag you out for her. That should give her a lot more hands-on experience."
"Fuee!? Th-This is the first time I'm hearing about it!"
"Anyways, we should get to eating if the food's finished," Ren continued. "I do want to talk about the reason why I've, well, been pretty distant lately…"
It was Naofumi's turn to be surprised, but his bewilderment ended up with a soft smile.
"Alright. I got it. You're already pretty much patched up now, I'll get with Motoyasu to sort out everyone's portions. Since it's still raining a bit, we'll be eating inside the carriage."
Once the food was distributed, everyone was eating their bowl of soup. The usual compliments to the chef emerged, but that had been the preface for Ren getting ready to talk about what happened. Eclair already knew about the details of the topic, since she was there when it was revealed, but there was a sort of satisfaction that came about when Ren was the one finally coming up to speak.
He talked about the beginning, where he encountered the shadows in Riyute and killed them. It was the reason why his guard was down, because he came across their unmarked grave, likely made by the people of Riyute that came across their bodies. And then there were the embassies from Shieldfreedan that he took out. He admitted that the situation could have been handled better, but at the time, he simply couldn't trust what they were saying and automatically believed them to be the enemies. He even spoke as to how the assassination on the Errnthon governor caused the Church to figure out their location, but he wasn't sure if they already knew that or not. He repeated it to make sure everyone was on the same page.
For what that meant in terms of the larger scheme of things, he told them what the shadow told him and while Ren still felt guilty, it felt a little refreshing to get it off his chest. In turn, this was also a form of reliance, where he didn't need to constantly keep to himself about these problems.
Even so, the silence between his friends still worried him. After all, it was quite a line of events that Ren did behind their backs, but Motoyasu was the first one to break it with a relieved exhale.
"Oh, thank goodness. I'm not the only screw-up around here."
"Perhaps putting it like that is a bit demeaning to yourself?" Raphtalia asked.
"Well, Motoyasu messed up the most out of the group here, so I'm inclined to allow those comments to stand uncorrected," Itsuki smirked. "Not mentioning what happened in the capital, there was the plant mutation incident at Lerno which spawned its own domino effect of us helping them out."
"On the bright side, I wasn't expecting Ren to be joining the club. Ren always has that atmosphere of knowing what he's doing, getting straight to the point. Knowing we're on the same level, it makes me feel a little better about myself."
"Same level? I wouldn't put those screw-ups on the same level here. Ren was trying to help protect us, while you were busy chasing after a princess' skirt."
"I had my reasons, alright!?" Motoyasu flailed his arms towards Itsuki. "You can't blame me for just wanting to keep everyone happy! That's not fair!"
"Yes, I'm sure Mister Motoyasu had good intentions."
"Even Raphtalia believes in me! She's such an angel!"
"Raphtalia, you act like Naofumi. You're too overly nice sometimes," Itsuki sighed.
"Like Master Naofumi?" Raphtalia wryly laughed, darting her eyes away. "Uhm, thank you?"
"No, I'm saying that you don't need to pull your punches when it comes to Motoyasu! Trust me when I say that with whatever happens to him, he probably deserves it!"
"Whoa, hey, wait a minute here," Motoyasu deadpanned.
Even if Ren convinced his mind that everyone would have accepted his shortcomings, his heart had been trembling every step of the way. Thinking about a scenario and finally seeing it before one's eyes, those were two entire different situations that can't be compared.
"You guys are really fine with what I did?"
"I-I mean, uhm…" Rishia nervously raised her hand. "It's not as if… you can go back in time to redo them, right?"
"Yeah, basically what Rishia said," Motoyasu winked. He tapped on Rishia's back as he followed up on her answer. She flinched immediately, but didn't move away. It prompted Motoyasu to chuckle and retract his arm. "I don't think it's comparable to what Itsuki feels about the assassination, but as someone who's been in your position, you're not going to get anywhere if you keep moping around like that."
Motoyasu held a soft smile.
"Weren't you the one that tried to cheer me up first when I was feeling down? I guess you're better at preaching than practicing, eh?" Motoyasu pumped up a fist. "Don't worry about any of that though, we'll always be here to back you up. You can count on that."
"Even if you've got problems you feel like you can tackle on your own, it's never a bad idea to check up on us if you're always unsure," Itsuki grinned. "We couldn't think lower of you, even if we tried, so feel free to rely on us whenever you want. We won't even make an argument over it."
Naofumi nodded.
"If you regret your actions, then do better in the future, but not by yourself. There's no need to depend on only yourself, Ren. We're all friends here, so please depend on us from now onwards. I;m sure everyone who loves to lend a hand if you need one."
"..."
Ren found himself smiling. It might have been a while since he ever felt at peace like this, but this might have been a glimpse to how it felt when he wasn't trying to move forwards by himself. When he slowed down and finally opened up to his friends, his heart rested in ease.
"Hey, above anything, promise me this, Ren."
Motoyasu leaned in, sounding rather serious. He wondered what Motoyasu could have wanted to add on, but he turned and listened carefully.
"That goes for picking up girls too. If you need help to pick up someone that catches your eye, you can always come and depend on your big brother Motoya—!"
He wasn't able to finish the sentence. Instinctively, Ren smashed his fist into Motoyasu's gut. He fell over away from the campsite, groaning in pain as only Sakura dashed in to check on him worryingly.
"Daddy! Are you okay!?"
"No, no… I think Itsuki was right about… always getting what I deserve…"
"Wrong timing, Motoyasu," Naofumi sighed.
"Even when acting all melancholy, Ren doesn't hold back on against Motoyasu," Itsuki shrugged.
"But even that was a bit much…" Raphtalia sweated.
"Can you blame Ren for pivoting like that?" Itsuki laughed.
"No, not really…"
"Now you're starting to see it."
Rishia was thinking about how softer Ren had become after getting his problems spoken out to and while she thought this might make Ren far more approachable, that little swing was enough to make her think otherwise. Ren was still Ren, no matter how much she looked at it, and it always made her constantly scared of his presence.
That punch was likely a good reminder of that, but Ren acted as if it never happened.
He ignored Motoyasu's pain and went back to a soft smile. It only made things far more offsetting for Rishia, but her quick scan around said that, besides from Sakura, she was the only one heavily bothered by it. Maybe it would be best to pretend it never happened.
"Thanks, everyone," Ren continued. "I'll try my best from here on out to depend on you guys."
It was still the middle of the afternoon and they could still make some distance, so after packing everything up into the carriage and inventories, they were getting ready to depart for the rest of the way to Reichott's territory. Considering the circumstances, it might have been a good idea to skip any towns they encounter and head straight to the aforementioned governor. Their supply run in Lerno would have allowed for that easily, even with the detour to Riyute.
Eclair, however, came up to Ren as everyone was busy.
"How does it feel, Sir Ren? To have a heavy weight lifted off your shoulders?"
"You want me to answer something sappy? Sorry, even if I'm feeling better, there's no way I'd be able to say things like that. Even so, I do appreciate what you did."
"Hmm? I don't recall doing anything worth thanking."
"You tried cheering me up before when I was imprisoned. I wouldn't say it was the best of advice, but you were right about one thing." Ren glanced up to the gray clouds, seeing that the weather was starting to clear up a bit. "I'm young, so I still have a lot to learn in this world if I want to figure out what I need to do to rise back up with my friends."
"I don't typically assist people in the form of moral and emotional support, so I'm glad that something from what I was saying helped you out. I myself still have things to learn, as well as everyone else in the group. I'm sure that we're all still learning, so do not think for a moment that you're at a disadvantage because you're the only one."
"Don't worry. I'm not that depressed to not see that."
"Hopefully, it won't be long until you come back to the frontlines again. Take as much of a break that you need to understand yourself and be at peace with your blade."
As Eclair was able to head off to help Naofumi with the rest of the clean-up, Ren bit down on his lips. He was debating on asking something and while he fidgeted around a little, Eclair managed to take notice of the strange behavior.
"Is something wrong, Sir Ren?"
"Oh, uhm…" Ren scratched his head, trying not to keep full eye contact on her. "Hey, I was… I was wondering if there's… room for one more in your training sessions…"
"My training sessions?"
"I said what I said when I was speaking poorly about Raphtalia's choice to train with you, but I think the results from our fight in Errnthon spoke for themselves. My fundamentals are still lacking a bit, mostly because I've only been fighting battles, ignoring any sort of training that I could need, simply because I thought I didn't need it, but…"
Ren gulped, trying to piece together his words without letting them burn out.
"What I'm trying to say is that… I want to rely on you to help me learn more swordsmanship. If you already have your hands filled with Raphtalia, I understand, but—"
"That's ridiculous. My hands are never too full to accept another student in training exercises." Eclair smiled. "Of course I'll help you out, Sir Ren. It would be my pleasure, but maybe we'll hold off the start of our training until we come across Governor Reinchott."
"A-Anytime you want to do it." Ren bowed gently. "Thanks, Eclair."
"And I'm telling you, I'm doing nothing that is worth thanking. All I'm doing is what I feel like needs to be done, and that is all. If you want to truly show your thanks, put one hundred and ten percent in training when we begin. I'll accept that effort as payment and satisfaction."
Eclair walked off, leaving Ren to his own thoughts.
-/IV/-
Later that night, as everyone was heading to rest, Ren had been the first one on night duty. With the campfire burning in the middle, he merely used the flickering flames as his source of entertainment as everyone started to fall asleep. However, he heard a few footsteps coming up to him, but he was surprised as to who it had been.
"Huh? Sakura? Want something?"
The pink-haired child had her usual expression of disdain for him, something cooked up from their trivial strife with each other, but he noticed it was a little lax than usual. There was something Sakura had been holding in her hand, like a piece of paper of some sort.
Without saying anything else, Sakura forced the paper onto Ren, causing him to look at it.
"Wait, what is this?"
He carefully read the piece of paper, but he was too distracted by the awful drawing of a person in the middle. It was almost as if the person had no direction in its creation, but from the first glance, it seemed like a wanted poster. Upon actually reading it, it was…
"The Sword Demon, wanted for his crimes against the country…"
He widened his eyes, realizing that the drawing was supposed to be him.
"Oh, come on, what the hell? Where did you even get this?"
It was so bad, it might have wrapped around being funny. At the very least, Ren found him laughing quietly to himself. He didn't think Sakura would be trying to cheer him up like that, even after being so silent while he was talking about his problems with the group.
Had this been her way of trying to help him out?
"Did you show me this so that I feel better, Saku—?"
Before he knew it, Sakura had already run back to Motoyasu to snuggle up for the night. However, she stole at last glance back to Ren, sticking out her tongue.
And Ren immediately crumpled the wanted poster.
"Okay, never mind," Ren whispered in agitation. "Sakura is definitely still Sakura."
[SKIT 130 : The Safest Route]
[Ren] : "I was definitely out of it during the last few days or so, but now that I can at least make everyone's lives less difficult, I still have a question about what we're doing."
[Ren] : "Why are we not still pursuing the queen? I know she sent supposingly sent us a message through her shadow, but isn't that entirely suspicious? I recall the feeling of doubt when Eclair and I saw the shadow in the knights' building in Grenze."
[Itsuki] : "... You ask that question now? Ugh, never mind. You probably haven't registered and retained much of what we were talking about when we came into contact with the queen's shadows."
[Ren] : "Anywhere is better than dealing with the Church in their home territory, right? We could have been past the borders by now, free from their influence and trouble."
[Itsuki] : "Maybe. Maybe not. It's difficult to say how easier, or harder, our lives would be once we make it through the border. Naofumi and Raphtalia both showed some skepticism, as well as myself, when Eclair first came to us in relaying the shadow's message."
[Itsuki] : "But it all boils down to… the fact that we won't know what we're dealing with outside Melromarc. We've been told that countries like Shieldfreedan were looking to retrieve the Shield Hero and his allies and bring them to their country, but I'm guessing after what you did to their embassies, they have also believed that the Cardinal Heroes have gone evil or were corrupted during the summoning, in one way or another. And that news spread throughout those involved with the conference, and then some.
[Itsuki] : "Eclair was very vague about that part of the explanation, but I suppose she was trying to respect your wishes if she already learned about what you did."
[Ren] : "..."
[Itsuki] : "In any case, we could already be considered dangerous criminals the second we step into another country through a proxy of that information relayed from scout to scout. And considering that the queen is still held up with her peacekeeping and that we would have to cross multiple borders before reaching Faulbrey, not to mention that we still don't know her exact location…"
[Itsuki] : "Needless to say, there's too many unknown factors to deal with…"
[Ren] : "Staying in Melromarc is ironically the safest thing that the queen could order us to do…"
[Ren] : "And it's all because of…"
[Itsuki] : "Hey. Stop blaming yourself."
[Ren] : "... What if that letter was fake? What if that shadow was only deceiving us?"
[Itsuki] : "I brought that up too, but Eclair insisted that it was real. The handwriting was too familiar to Eclair. She was absolutely certain that it was the Queen herself that wrote the letter and she knows that if it's an important matter that is needed to be communicated, the queen wasn't going to let someone else write it for her as she spoke of a dictation."
[Ren] : "She must have a lot of trust in Eclair. And Eclair, likewise for the queen…"
[Ren] : "She's pretty resourceful, I'll give her that."
[Ren] : "Now, let's hope that the noble has a good plan to keep us out of sight, away from the Three Heroes Church, until the queen finally makes her return to Melromarc."
[SKIT 131 : Selfishness]
[Eclair] : "I didn't want these circumstances to come about, but the Church obviously knows that we're in the area. Even if they did let us go, that changes the fact that they're aware of our presence."
[Eclair] : "For all the work we did to move in secrecy…"
[Naofumi] : "..."
[Raphtalia] : "Master Naofumi? Is something wrong?"
[Raphtalia] : "Are you nervous about the Church knowing that we're still in Melromarc…?"
[Naofumi] : "Even now, I keep asking myself why…"
[Motoyasu] : "Why? Uh, why what?"
[Naofumi] : "We tried our best to keep ourselves laying as low as possible, such that we were even considering simply donating money to Rishia's parents without actually solving the potential problem that they had at hand. I had the mindset that if it didn't involve us, that we shouldn't stake our identities being too known all that much, which was the only reason I insisted on fixing Motoyasu's mistake in Lerno since he caused it, despite our circumstances."
[Rishia] : "I-I, uh…"
[Motoyasu] : "H-Hey, we did want to help you out, but—"
[Rishia] : "No, I… I do understand your decision. If I were in your position, I wouldn't have done anything risky like Ren and Lord Itsuki did. I don't blame you for trying to avoid conflict and draw attention to yourselves there…"
[Raphtalia] : "Then what's the problem, Master Naofumi?"
[Naofumi] : "It's the fact that while we hesitated to help Errnthon to help its people, we practically rushed into Riyute to save Ren. Even if Motoyasu hadn't done what he had done, I… I think the outcome of our siege into Riyute would have ended the same way."
[Motoyasu] : "... I think it's fine to be a little selfish from time to time."
[Motoyasu] : "Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, we make decisions that even we can't understand ourselves. Remember our fight inside of the castle? Before I could realize it, I was already fighting back against the knights that wanted to hurt you, even if that placed us in a precarious situation."
[Raphtalia] : "I wouldn't want to imagine what would have happened if we didn't arrive with Miss Eclair, Sir Itsuki and Sir Ren to help out."
[Motoyasu] : "... At that moment, I might have been protecting you, but I think I was really protecting myself. I was protecting whatever bonds I wanted to keep and whatever sanity I had left. I don't know about you, but that does sound a little selfish, don't you think?"
[Eclair] : "You couldn't have said it better, Sir Motoyasu."
[Eclair] : "Especially in these dire times, we have to be protecting each other, even if that compromises our position. It's not as if we had any other option to save Sir Ren and I assume that saving Ren was something that we had to do, not if there was a choice in the matter."
[Raphtalia] : "So what we're saying is…"
[Raphtalia] : "It's alright to be selfish?"
[Naofumi] : "... I think it's just the complicated nature of humans at work."
[A/N] I feel like this chapter was difficult to progress on multiple levels, so it might have ended up as a shorter and messier wrap-up to Ren's little character arc, as well as some less-than-wanted cheesy moments. At least for now. He's still got ways to go, but he's getting there. I don't like using my author's notes to deliver the intention of a chapter, because I believe that a chapter should be able to convey that by itself, and if it doesn't, it fails as a chapter. Questions should be answered through the chapters, not outside of it. That's why the concerns that a guest review made is being addressed in the [Skits], rather than answering it in the Author's Notes.
Not that I don't think this doesn't fail as a chapter. One of the underlying issues with the chapter is that I failed to slot in a detail that might have been noticeable if you dig in deeply, but I wanted it to be explicit, so I'll just mention it here.
Basically, note Itsuki's *aggressive* and *confrontational* approach to taking care of situations. It'll be expanded upon later, whenever later is.
The reason why it took a while to churn out was because I did not know how to properly execute these events. Having Motoyasu's turn to realization was set on a grander scale compared to Ren's, in my opinion, so in keeping Ren's character development in such a way, it… almost makes his change feel less impactful? Even now, this was extremely messy and below the average quality in my opinion, but at least the train is moving again.
Hopefully, it doesn't take me two months for the next chapter.
