Hello everybody! We're back to long authors' notes.
First up: I did take down and repost the most recent chapter. That's just because the original had a few more typos than I was comfortable with. I don't know if you get notified for re-uploads; but if you got two notifications for the same chapter, that's why.
Second: In one of my chapters, Winry makes an off-handed comment about Envy "poisoning Trisha". Hilariously, it's been brought to my attention by a reviewer that there's actually a fanfiction where this happens.
To answer their question – no. I wish I was clever enough to have made that an intentional reference. However, I am not. I had no idea this story existed until you told me.
The other thing I want to address is that parts of this chapter are a little derivative of Brotherhood/the manga. Unfortunately, there wasn't much way around that. Sometimes there's only so many ways you can end a conflict well – and I'd rather write good content than wholly original content, if forced to choose. Especially in regards to fanfic, because that's not wholly original to begin with!
I did my best to put my own twist on it, so you're not literally just reading the manga again; but yeah, if y'all are noticing "hey, this is similar to BH/the manga!" I know. I noticed too.
Anyway, enough rambling. You're here for a story, and I am here to provide that story. Enjoy!
. . .
"I killed Hughes."
As soon as the words tumbled out of his mouth, he knew it wasn't going to end well. He had expected to be screamed at. He had expected insults to be hurled, and possibly even fists.
He hadn't expected silence. And somehow, the silence was even worse.
It seeped into his bones, leaching the heat from them as surely as snow. He was shivering as if it was snowing, too – a shudder from deep within, that he couldn't seem to halt.
Was it fear; was he scared Alphonse would tell Mustang? No, it wasn't that simple – nothing ever was, these days.
He couldn't take it. He couldn't handle the silence. He would prefer literally anything else; even Al trying to kill him. He knew how to deal with people trying to kill him.
He got up and left, without saying a word. He didn't know where he was going; he just needed to get away. Away from the humans and the confusing emotions that came with them. Away from the guilt rotting inside his own stomach.
He walked directly into Roy Mustang.
He froze. Had he heard them talking? Why was he awake? Had he been listening at the door, waiting for Envy to mess up?
"Out for a late-night stroll?" Roy asked.
Envy glanced at Roy's face. It was devoid of any fire, for now. His tone was flat and even. He was a good actor, from what Envy had seen – but not that good. He hadn't heard.
Not that it mattered; he was sure Al would tell him eventually.
He realised with a jolt that he had been too busy analysing Roy's face to guard his own. He dropped his eyes back to the ground, wondering what Roy had seen in that brief moment of weakness.
"I could say the same for you," he choked out. "Why are you awake? Don't humans need to sleep?"
"I uh… I couldn't," Roy said, scratching the back of his head. "I'm sure you picked up from Lieutenant Hawkeye that this building holds a lot of memories, for us."
A tension had crept into his tone. He had seen something, some unfiltered emotion or thought flitting across Envy's face - and Envy had no idea what it was.
Great.
"Is something wrong?" Roy asked. Envy clenched his teeth.
"No, Colonel. At least, not that I'd like to discuss."
Roy shook his head.
"You remind me a little of Fullmetal- I mean, Edward. I don't know what that is. Curious."
He paused; casting one last, searching glance over Envy's frame. Envy hated that look; it felt as though Roy could look straight into his soul (if he had one).
"As you were." With those words, Roy went on his way. Envy couldn't help but glance over his shoulder as he walked outside; afraid, always afraid, that he would feel flames licking at his back.
The conversation with Roy had interrupted his previous thought loop of run, leave, get away – and by the time he actually stepped out the door, he ended up just sitting down on the grassy knoll outside. Part of him knew he was being foolish and childish. He couldn't sit there forever.
Truly, if he was being smart, he needed to leave. Al wouldn't keep that information to himself. He might wait until morning, when everyone else was awake – but he would talk. And Envy needed to not be around when that happened.
But he couldn't bring himself to do it. He was so damn tired of running. He had been running for four hundred years. Running from his enemies, running from his family, running from himself and his own damn thoughts. That part of him wanted to just surrender and accept his fate. Find whatever meagre peace a monster like him was worthy of.
He didn't know what to do.
. . .
Al didn't sleep the rest of the night. His thoughts had swirled together into a chaotic mess; memories of Hughes, mixed with a hundred different emotions he could barely discern.
He didn't know how he felt about what Envy had told him. He knew how he should feel. He should be angry; and that was definitely there. He should be sad; and that was there, too.
The rest was a confusing mess.
He was so caught up in trying to detangle the web that he didn't notice it was morning until Ed came looking for him.
"Hey; you're usually awake by this time, lazy-"
Ed's stunned silence was telling. Al had already turned away to try and hide his conflicted emotions – he was still bad at controlling his face, even with a year of practice – but he had a feeling he was only making it more obvious that he was upset.
"What's wrong?"
In that precise moment, Al realised that he needed to come up with an excuse or lie – because he didn't want to tell Ed the truth. Apart from the excruciating pain he knew it would cause him, the knowledge was sure to put Ed's relationship with Envy straight back to square one. And they couldn't afford that. Ed had no alchemy; Roy was useless under certain conditions, and Al himself was a mediocre alchemist at best. Envy was the one thing swinging the odds in their favour. Without him, Al wasn't stupid enough to think they stood a chance against Dante and the other homunculi.
Ed, it seemed, wasn't taking his panicked silence for an answer. He had picked up on something – in Al's posture, or his lack of response – that he really didn't like. Al heard his footsteps race across the room; moments later, a hand – the warm, flesh one – was on his arm.
"Alphonse. What happened?"
"Nothing."
"Tell me, damnit!"
He shook his head. "Bad dream," he spat out. He knew Ed didn't believe a single goddamn word. That much was obvious from the look on his face. But he needed time. He needed to figure out what he was going to do about this – if anything.
Ed crossed his arms and leaned back against the bedframe. "Well, I'm not going anywhere until you start talking. So I guess we're going to be here, a while."
Al shot him his best glare. Ed was unmoved. He watched cautiously as his brother thought about it, then seemed to waver in his resolve to stay silent – almost as if something in him had broken. He rubbed his face, pushing his fringe back. Ed waited.
"I shouldn't tell you this."
"Why?"
"Because it can't change anything, Brother. We need Envy too much."
"Wait; Envy did something?"
"No! Not recently. It's more… He confessed to something he did ages ago."
Ed's brow furrowed. He leaned forwards, so that he was resting on his knees.
"So what? He did a lot of stuff 'ages ago'. I thought we all agreed to move past that."
Now he was deathly curious – and more than a little concerned. Al was the forgiving one; he had been the first one to reach out his hand to Envy in understanding and compassion. If this had shaken him, it was bad.
And then he caught the look in Al's eyes.
His breath stopped. He had only seen that fragile, haunted look a handful of times in his life. It registered immediately as loss. Harsh, devastating loss. The first time he had ever looked like that was when their mother had passed away.
He took a deep breath, and closed his eyes.
"It was someone we knew, wasn't it?"
Al's voice was shaky. "Damnit, Ed."
But Ed's mind was already kicking into gear; running a list of the people they cared about who had died (and wasn't it depressing that they had a list?)
He could only think of one who Envy could have feasibly been responsible for. And as startling as it was, he couldn't even bring himself to feel shocked or upset – because the more he considered it, the more it made sense.
There had been no one around to witness the murder. But the gun had been fired at point blank range; that much had been obvious from the position of the wound. Hughes wasn't an idiot; and in the moments before his death, he had clearly just been attacked. His last action had been to desperately reach out for Roy, ignoring all usual protocol; as if he knew he was in danger.
In that situation, he would only allow someone that close to him if he was completely convinced he knew them.
"Right. Okay."
He took a moment to quell the incredibly brief rage and hurt that shot through him as he finally came to terms with it. He knew he shouldn't feel this way. He knew what Envy had been like back then; the kind of things he had been directly responsible for. This should've been just another bullet point on the list.
So why did it feel like he had been betrayed?
"Brother? Is that it?"
"What do you mean, 'is that it'?"
"Your reaction's a little… underwhelming."
He pinched the bridge of his nose.
"What do you want me to do about it, Al? He shot Hughes. Past tense. Don't you think if I could go back and stop it from happening, I would?"
"That's not what meant! I just…"
"You just what?"
Al looked back at the ground, and flushed.
"Al… It's okay to be upset by this."
"No, we can't-"
"We can't let it change anything. You're right. There's no point in that, anyway – we've all agreed that he's not the same person he used to be. If he admitted to it, that's a good sign; right?"
"How?"
"Well, how did he say it? Was he bragging?"
Al thought back to their conversation.
"No… He didn't want to say anything. He… He said he was sorry."
"He apologised for it? Then that just proves my point. He feels bad for doing it. Even if he didn't, we need him as an ally right now. But my point is, you're still allowed to feel your feelings. In fact, that's probably better if you want to keep him around – you know what happens when you force things down, Al."
Al rose an eyebrow. Ed prodded him.
"That time you were having doubts about your existence – and instead of just talking to me, you sat on it for days until you exploded?"
"Oh yeah." Al's blush deepened.
Ed scruffed up his hair.
"Don't make the same dumbass mistake again, okay? Talk to me, this time." He glanced out the window. "We have some time before we need to get started."
And so Al did talk. But neither he nor Ed realised that they weren't the only ones awake in the house.
. . .
Envy entered the small and dingy house, closing the door behind him. He had made it barely two steps into the room when he heard a voice.
"You were seeing that girl again, huh? The one from the university?"
He dropped his pharmacy bag on the table, rolled his eyes, and turned to face Greed; who was sitting on the kitchen counter.
"You've had at least ten girls in the time we've been here," he said, turning his nose up at him.
"That's sex, Envy. That's different."
"How?"
"Because I don't have feelings for them."
Greed hopped off the counter, stretched his arms behind his back, and grinned his wide, barracuda grin.
"You know me. I want everything this world has to offer – sex, money, and power. Relationships, though; they're about giving. And I'm not the giving type."
"Well, maybe I am. What's it to you? Why do you care?"
He scoffed. "You? No. You're jealousy incarnate – you're just as bad as me. I want everything, and you can't stand anyone else having what you covet. That's why we've always gotten along so well; it's one short step from greed to envy."
Envy sighed.
"Spare me your philosophy. I'm fulfilling our master's task regardless. Who cares what I do in my free time?"
"She will."
The effect was instantaneous. Envy leapt forwards with a bestial growl, and pinned Greed against the wall by his throat. Greed made no effort to free himself.
"You will say nothing to her."
He raised his hands. "Hey, relax! I'm not planning on dobbing you in."
Envy released him, taking a step back – though his glare lost no venom.
"Then why do you insist on arguing with me about it?"
"You and I may as well be brothers, Envy; and just like any brother, I'm just looking out for your best interests."
"Bullshit. You don't care about anyone but yourself."
He detected something in Greed's face, though he couldn't quite place it.
"Regardless," Greed said, "If I've noticed, it's only a matter of time before she does. And you know what she'll do."
"She won't. I won't let her."
"Oh really? What are you going to do?"
Envy's eyes drifted to the wall behind Greed. He redirected his anger and moved forwards, yelling as he left a crater the size of his fist.
He stayed in place for a moment, panting, while Greed watched. To any who didn't know better, it would seem that he was completely unperturbed.
But Envy knew him too well. There was something… strange, behind those violet eyes. Something he had noticed, on and off, for months now.
He prayed it wasn't what he thought it was.
"Don't," he said. He watched as Greed's eyes widened in shock – only to narrow in suspicion.
"Don't what?"
"You know what. You've been considering it for weeks, at least; don't deny it. And I'm telling you, right now – don't."
Greed broke eye contact, staring into space past Envy. His expression had turned distant; and a tiny spark of determination crept in.
Envy knew in that moment that the decision had already been made. There was no stopping him, not now. His heart clenched; a pain that was old and unfamiliar to him.
"Be careful," he said, before he had even thought the words through. "If she catches you…"
Greed's lips turned up into that famed grin, and he tilted his head. "Ah, you know me; I'm always careful!"
Envy backed off. His own grin was tinged with the slightest hint of sadness.
"No. You're always a dumbass; that's what you are."
He wouldn't realise just how true those words were until later. Exactly one week after that conversation had taken place, Greed had left. He had said nothing to any of the others; not even the Lust of that time, to whom he had been close.
He hadn't gotten far.
Dante had caught him less than a month later, and sealed him away under the earth. Where she had never expected him to be found or freed. Envy himself would only see Greed one last time – and they would meet as enemies.
. . .
Envy hadn't even realised he had fallen asleep, until he came to and noticed that the sun was up. Had he really just slept outside on the grass, like a moron? Damn. And he'd once had such good control over his sleep pattern.
Guess that's what happens when you have to live on human food, instead of stones. Stupid, weak body.
His mind kept trailing back to Greed. He hadn't been there; but he had heard about his death from Dante. She had set it all up, planning to do the deed herself – she hadn't even been upset when Edward had come along and finished him off for her. Really, he had just saved her the hard work.
For the first time, he was able to recognise the twinge of sadness that accompanied the loss. Had Greed still been alive, would he have taken Envy in? Probably, once he realised they were on the same side – Greed had never been particularly bothered by his presence. In fact, he had almost seemed attached to him at times.
I wish I'd listened to him back then, he thought, bitterly. I thought he was crazy; turned out he was the only one with his head screwed on straight.
He sighed, and looked around. He couldn't sit there forever; at some point, he needed to figure out what he was going to do.
Shockingly, his first instinct wasn't to run and never look back; at least, not anymore. Instead, he was sorely tempted to go back inside, find Al, and beg for his forgiveness. He wasn't even sure why. He just had a feeling, somewhere deep in his gut, that he wouldn't turn his back on him.
He scoffed. They were family, after all. It was worth a shot, right?
But before he could act, before he could even stand, his world exploded.
. . .
Ed and Al heard the explosion from inside; Ed leapt to his feet before the sound had even faded, his instincts sharpened from years of danger.
"What the hell was that?" He asked. Al shrugged.
"I have no idea, but it sounds like trouble. Unless… Oh no."
"What?"
"You don't think the Colonel heard us talking, do you?"
Ed paled.
"Oh, hell. Come on; we have to go."
They ran out to the overgrown yard, and met with a terrifying sight. Al's first instinct had been correct. Envy was cowering on the ground, recovering from fresh injuries – burns, that looked like they had once covered eighty percent of his body. Above him stood Roy Mustang.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Roy turned at Ed's question, and the look in his eyes made him shiver. He had seen it before, in Shou Tucker – but not the day he had turned Nina into that… thing. No, these were Tucker's eyes post transmutation; as he had cuddled a doll to his chest hoping it would speak. They were the eyes of a man who had lost everything, and was desperate to relieve even the smallest amount of pain.
And to Ed, that was even more frightening. Because he knew exactly how far a desperate person would go.
"Don't play dumb with me, Fullmetal. I heard you and your brother talking about it; this homunculus is the one responsible for the death of Maes Hughes."
For the first time in his life, Ed's heart twisted for Envy's sake – the homunculus couldn't even muster up the courage to look betrayed that he and Al had accidentally sold him out. It was all he could do to shield his head, in some futile attempt to block the worst of the damage.
He was… Helpless. And finally, Ed understood what Al had seen, when they had found him unconscious on the ground all those weeks ago.
"Am I incorrect?" Roy asked. Al gritted his teeth, and stepped forwards.
"You need to calm down, Colonel. Let's talk about this, before we escalate straight to murder!"
Ed instantly recognised the tone Al was using, and instinctively flinched at it. It was the same strict and parental voice he used with Ed, when he was making a very stupid decision. He knew why he had defaulted back to it in this situation – it usually worked.
Unfortunately, it didn't seem to be in this particular situation.
"Ridiculous? Do you know how long I've waited to find the man who did this? Do you know how many nights I've dreamt about searing their skin off, one inch at a time, until there's nothing left?"
"God, do you have any idea who you sound like right now? Stop and listen to yourself. Is this something the leader of a nation would say? Because to me, you sound more like Kimblee – or the old Envy."
Al's volume had dropped; and somehow, that was worse than the shouting. It was enough to capture even Roy's attention – his dark eyes flicked away from Envy and towards him.
Ed's face had moved beyond anger, concern, or even fear. His eyes were sheltered, in a very specific way that Envy had grown fantastically unaccustomed to in recent times.
His walls had shot back up. But this time, it wasn't because of something Envy had done; it was because of Roy.
"He's right," he said. "You keep saying that you're doing all of this for Hughes; but you're not even the same man that Hughes saw a friend in! Do you think he wanted this, Mustang? Do you think he ever wanted to watch you become this? Stop using his name to justify your hatred; you're not doing this for him, you're doing it for you!"
"Don't bring him into this! You have no idea what he would have wanted; you barely even knew him!"
The words stung more than Ed cared to admit. Beside him, Al struggled to reconcile the man standing before him with the man he had spoken to mere days ago.
The Roy Mustang he knew was in there; he had only to find him.
"I'm done with this pointless debate," Roy said. "I don't know how long you boys were aware of this for, and I don't care. This monster needs to be dealt with – that's what matters right now."
Envy closed his eyes and gritted his teeth.
Thanks for trying, Elrics.
But instead of a snap, he heard the cock of a gun.
He opened his eyes, confused. He had never seen the Colonel use a gun before. And just a moment ago, he had been wearing his gloves. What was going on?
Then he saw, and understood. His jaw dropped.
It was not Mustang, but the Hawk's Eye who had drawn. And she was pointing the gun at her own superior.
Everyone froze; none more so than Roy himself. For the first time since the exchange had begun, he was completely out of his depth.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
She took a deep breath, and steadied her shaky aim.
"Stopping you from making a mistake you won't be able to come back from… Sir."
He lowered his hand slightly, and turned to face her properly. Envy drew what had to be his first breath in several minutes.
"What are you doing?" Roy asked. "Why are you defending this monster – after everything he's done!"
"I'm not defending him, I'm defending you."
She moved to clasp the gun with both hands; her previous attempts to stem her trembling hadn't worked.
"The boys are right, Colonel. This isn't who you are. For God's sake, if he wasn't sitting in front of me, I would have assumed you were Envy and shot you!"
She bit down on her lip, drawing blood.
"I won't let you become this! If you kill him, you're doing the same thing he was when he killed Maes in the first place – and you know he wouldn't have wanted that."
The two stood frozen, in some kind of standoff; neither side quite ready to budge. Envy shook his head at the display before him. He was tired.
"One person kills another," he said. "And then someone kills them, seeking revenge. Where does it stop, Flame Alchemist? When do we decide that it's enough? That enough people have suffered, enough people have died, enough blood has stained the earth to satiate our lust?"
He threw up his hands. "Kill me, if you want. I won't fight you. But it won't get you what you want."
For a moment, there was silence. He almost regretted speaking; for all his talk of being ready to die, he wasn't certain he could stand by it. Then Roy answered, his tone bitter.
"And tell me, Homunculus. Did it get you what you wanted?"
"No." The answer came without hesitation. "And I'll be honest with you; I tested it thoroughly. I killed a lot of people, trying to fill some stupid void inside of me that wouldn't close. Heads' up; it doesn't work. Spilling blood just makes the void bigger and darker."
He curled in on himself, and shuddered.
Another beat of silence passed. Then, Roy did the unthinkable – he lowered his hand, and pulled off his glove. He cast his eyes towards the ground, looking much like a scolded child.
"You're right. You're all right," he said. "I've been looking for Hughes' killer all this time, imagining the worst punishments I could give them. But not like this. It's not worth it."
He sighed. The breath shook as he released it.
"I'm sorry."
It took a good minute for Envy to realise he was the one being apologised to.
"You have nothing to be sorry for, damnit," he said, flushing and looking away. "Like I said, I've made the same damn mistake. Would be awfully hypocritical of me to judge you for it."
He rose to his feet, still eyeing the man nervously. But Roy made no move to attack.
"If you want, we can talk about it. I'll tell you anything you want to know – I have no interest in protecting Dante's secrets anymore. Revenge doesn't help; but closure might."
"I just want to know one thing. One thing; and if you answer me truthfully, I'll leave it alone."
"Shoot."
"Why?"
He sighed, wishing he had a better answer to give.
"I was ordered to. After the Lab Five incident, the Lieutenant-Colonel became a little too interested in us and our business. He got close to figuring out the truth – Dante wanted him gone, before that happened."
"That was it?" Tension had crept back into Roy's voice, making him flinch and raise his hands defensively. "You said you killed people for personal reasons; he wasn't one of them?"
"No. Honestly, I barely even knew who he was. My master said 'kill', so I killed. Just like the good, trained little dog I was."
He hadn't known what reaction to expect from Roy – but he knew he hadn't been expecting him to burst out laughing.
Everyone's jaws dropped; and none more so than Envy, who wondered for just a second if he had broken the poor man.
After a while, Roy's laughter subsided. He clutched his stomach.
"I'm sorry. I just… Hearing you phrase it like that; that really puts it into perspective."
His smile dropped slightly, and his eyes took on a sad tint.
"I killed so many people during the Ishbalan rebellion. Women, children. I was just following orders, too. But how many families did I rip apart? I often lie awake at night, asking myself that question. Trying to count them.
"I suppose this is my equivalent exchange. My punishment for my crimes is to suffer the same pain I caused them."
Envy had spoken before he even noticed his lips were moving.
"Don't judge yourself too harshly. We all have to do our best with the circumstances we're given. Sometimes that means following orders we might not like, because the alternative is death. You want some advice, from someone who did it a lot longer than you? Don't torture yourself. It doesn't help."
When their eyes met again, it wasn't as enemies. They had come to an understanding; a strange kind of comradery born of suffering.
"We need to get back to work," Ed said, finally. "This lady isn't waiting around for us to resolve our differences."
"You're right, Full- Edward. Let's head back inside and discuss our next move."
. . .
Well, that one was kind of short. But this felt like the natural resting point, because we're about to get right back into it after this.
See you all next time!
