It had been about another week of Olivia's standoffish bullshit. Amanda had definitly had her fill. It was time to confront and give her an ultimatum. It couldn't go on like this any longer. It wasn't affecting her work cause she would never let something destroy the job she loved so much. She almost did once when she was gambling but she had been clean from that for quite some time. The one thing she had gone back to doing was smoking. Yes Olivia Benson had caused her to start that awful habit that she had wanted to stop, but shit she could do that at work, she very well could not pound back a fifth of jameson or bring any other booze to work. She had gone back down to the station and went back to her desk. Fin checking on her. She told him she was fine and was gonna go back to work on her notes. He nodded. Kat was sitting at her desk. She made sure to get right back to her pace. Chewing on a piece of gum she got lost in her assignment. A bit later, she heard the door open of her bosses door. Olivia had come out and stood infront of Amanda's desk.
"Hey Amanda how are your notes coming? Chief called and I told him I was waiting on your work."
She sighed "I am almost finished. Gimme about another forty-five minutes and I should be done."
Olivia nodded. "Thank you Amanda."
Olivia started to walk back to her office but stopped. Fin had been right. She had really hurt Amanda with all her bouncing back and forth. She couldn't help the fact that she was scared shitless of repercussions. She had worked hard for her position as well as Amanda. She walked back over to Amanda's desk
"Hey it's been a hostile week between us. Iwould like to sit and have a serious talk. We sure can't keep going on like this. So could we maybe meet up somewhere and get some drinks and food? Hell it'll be my treat."
Amanda looked at her, she wanted to get together with her but she was scared too. She sighed, folding her hands together and looked up at her boss. "I'd like to sit and talk, see what's going on but with that being said I'm also afraid of the treatment tomorrow at work once again. I can't keep up with that Olivia. It hurts. I'm strong but damn, it breaks me down and I cannot keep having that at work. If you can promise that us getting together after work won't bite me in the ass I'll do it."
Olivia looked at the blonde, she really did want to talk to her and sort this out. Fin was right about something. She needed to stop going back and forth. She did deserve to be happy and being with Amanda made her happy.
"Amanda I would really like for us to sit and talk. I don't want to get hostile, I just want us to talk. I don't know what it will lead to, or where it will lead to. But food and drinks are on me if you'd like to do this."
Amanda nodded, "Okay Olivia, I'll do it. I'll meet up with you after work and talk. I just want to say this right now, my feelings are a mess and all over the place. So please take that into concideration."
Olivia nodded, then went back into her office to finish her paperwork, and get ready to meet with Amanda and talk. They worked for about another couple hours. Amanda was getting nervous about meeting Olivia. She was scared they were going to talk once more and nothing was going to get resolved, but she still wanted to talk. She really wanted to kiss the brunette silly and spend the night wrapped in her legs but that wasn't going to happen. It couldn't happen until they reached an agreement on what they were.
Short time later Olivia text Amanda. She text to meet her at the little restaurant right by the precinct. Amanda text back okay and that she would see her there as soon as she was finished for the night.
Olivia said good night to her crew and headed over to where she told Amanda to meet her. The waiter seated her in a table that was private. Amanda showed up not long after. Amanda had the typical butterflies when seeing Liv. She couldn't help it. She had strong feelings for the woman.
Once she sat down, they each ordered a small meal and a couple drinks. Amanda looked at Olivia, Olivia did the same and looked at Amanda. A couple more minutes of awkward silence, Olivia finally spoke up.
"Amanda I invited you out because we need to talk. I know we need to talk and get this stuff situated with us. We can't keep working in a hostile enviroment, and I'm not losing one of my best detectives."
Amanda looked at her, making eye contact, but also watching the body language of Olivia. So far she seemed sincere.
"I don't want to be lost. I love my job here Olivia. Yes I agree that we need to talk and get whatever this is situated with us, no matter what the outcome is. Is this the main reason you're scared of what's between us; your job? Or is it the fact that you have feelings for a woman?"
Olivia looked at Amanda. She had hit the nail on the head. The last couple of questions had really hit her hard. They made her think.
Olivia took a deep breath "I'm not going to lie to you cause you don't deserve that. So yes it is a culmination of both things Amanda. I'm afraid for my job as well as yours. And I'm also afraid of the fact I have feelings for a woman and how I will be scrutinized. I've never experienced these feelings on such a deep level before. The connection, everything. It scared the shit out of me Amanda. No it's not an excuse for my behavior but it's the truth. Yes there's been all the guys I was with, last one being Ed, but none of them ever stirred the feelings inside me like you did and still do."
Olivia looked at Amanda after just pouring her heart out. Amanda sat sipping on her drink and just taking in all of what Olivia said.
Amanda took one more sip of her drink. "I thank you for finally being honest Liv. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared too. Really scared. Especially when I came up from Atlanta, you know the situation there. Everyone thought I had slept with Patton and Reynolds willingly. I didn't and I was chastised for sleeping my way to the top. I don't want nor can I handle a repeat of that with you. I know you'd never rape me, or do any of that but my fear is still there. Now with that being said, does that change my feelings for you? Or does it make me not want to take that chance with you, No it doesn't. Not by any means. It just means while I am afraid to trust, I do trust you."
Olivia wasn't expecting all of that. Amanda once again laid her feelings right out on the table. The waiter came by and refreshed their drinks. This time Amanda ordered a beer and shot. She willed Liv to do the same as it was only one drink. "Liv I'm not gonna try and have my way with you. I just want you to relax. This was a good idea to come here to talk. It's neutral grounds and we aren't backs against the wall and being coerced."
"Amanda I'll have a drink or two. I myself like the fact that this is such neutral territory. I know you wouldn't do any of those things, as I trust you myself. So might as well deal with the elephant in the room. What is the deal with us? I mean NSB we said alot of things and were very intimate, laying all our feelings on the table. I know I didn't handle it well when we got back. I can't give a reason why, as I honestly don't know why I handled it the way I did."
Amanda looked to Olivia, "What is it you want to happen between us Liv? I mean I already know what I want from this, but I need to know what you want. Though this time whatever it is that you want, you need to stick to it and I mean it. I can't keep going through all this back and forth. I just can't."
Olivia thought for a few minutes. In all honesty how could she not want to be with this beautiful blonde woman in front of her. Amanda had been there for her in so many ways. She had been understanding, had been tender, had pretty much been everything she had been looking for and never got. Amanda continued to watch Olivia's eyes and body language. She didn't seem upset or anxious which was good. She did however really seem to be thinking about what she wanted and that was what Amanda wanted the most.
Olivia took a deep breath because her answer was going to change everything between them. She just hoped that Amanda would take her seriously this time. She was sincere and even though she herself was scared she was tired of sacrificing her happiness.
"I want things with you Amanda. I really do. I'm tired of living my life in fear, I finally found someone who I want to be with. Someone who cares bout me genuinely. As I do them. I know I've acted like a complete ass with all of this. I am deeply sorry for that I really am. But to answer your question I do want things with you. I can't lie and say shit will be perfect, I can't lie and say I won't hurt you. What I will say is I promise to do my best and make sure you're happy. That is, if you will give me another chance. There is no pressure to make a decision as I don't want resentment out of this. But if I am granted another chance I will do my best to make sure this doesn't happen again."
Well what do you think is going to happen? Is Liv going to keep her word? Is Amanda going to accept this and try to begin again when Olivia keeps backtracking? I think Olivia is being sincere and her fears are real. Amandas are too. Her feeling of hurt and not being worthy enough really get to her.
