Chapter IV: Sit with Me for a Moment

You stared at the patch of skin just above your right temple where a scar should've remained. The bandages that had covered your forehead for the past week that you had been awake had been removed, and when you looked into the bathroom mirror to see the healed wound, you were surprised to see only smooth unblemished skin.

You had to admit, you were impressed. Academy City did live up to its reputation of being the most technologically advanced city in the world. In a way, you should've been more interested about it, but for some reason, you weren't really as surprised as you thought you should have been. You had found out that you had been injured enough that it would've taken you months to recover had you been sent to a hospital outside Academy City, but now, a mere three weeks later, you were already healed enough to be released.

You sighed, staring at your reflection. You looked more or less how you used to before you got into that mysterious accident that made you lose your memories. Your friends had given you a picture of when the four of you had hung out at the arcade. You didn't know where this arcade was but Saten-san had promised to bring you there once you've settled back into your dorm. There was only a few weeks before the start of the new school year after all.

You felt a little nervous. You wanted to get back to your normal life, copying your hairstyle from the picture your friends had given you and hoping it would make the transition a little bit easier. But it was still hard. It felt as if you were trying to squeeze yourself into a life that didn't belong to you.

It felt a lot like you were trying to replace the Misaka Mikoto who had died when you lost your memories.

You shook your head to rid of the grim thoughts. It wasn't as if you'd never get your memories back. Heaven Canceler had assured you that you will recover them in time. For some reason though, you felt something grip your chest as you thought about your lost memories, a slight fear that you might never truly be back as the Misaka Mikoto that everyone had loved.

You felt like a different person, like Misaka Mikoto was some other person entirely. Deep down, you felt a little connection with her friends and family but there was still a tugging feeling that they were strangers. And to you, they all were, and even after helping you as much as they could and treating you in the most normal way they could, they still were.

You sighed again, looking down at the sink and leaning your hands against it. You were probably thinking too much again. Recovering your memories should be your top priority, not this nonsensical identity crisis that would undoubtedly be solved once you've accomplished remembering.

You felt someone approach your room and heard the door open. Your extra senses had become less distracting as you got used to them. At first, it was a little overwhelming, and you could barely relax because of the heightened senses. After a while though, you noticed them less and less, and it had become as subconscious as breathing. You still tend to stray back into it though but it was no longer uncomfortable.

You closed your eyes, feeling someone walk around your hospital room. You remained on your spot until the person called out. "Mikoto-chan, are you in the bathroom?" Your mother asked from the other side of the bathroom door, knocking on it as she did.

"Yeah," you called back, "Just a moment." You opened the tap on the sink and put your hands under the running cold water, letting it calm you. After a few seconds, you twisted it off and dried your hands on a nearby towel before leaving the bathroom.

Your Mama was sitting on the chair beside your bed when you saw her, and she simply sent you a smile. She was holding a paper bag when she stood up, saying brightly, "Ah, Mikoto-chan, I have something for you!"

You approached the bed and sat in front of her. "What is it?" you asked as she gleefully opened the paper bag.

"Tada!" she exclaimed, showing you a uniform that you distinctly remember Shirai-san wearing. You blinked, unsure of how you should react. "It's your school uniform!" she elaborated when you didn't seem to catch on.

"Ah." You said, unsure of how you should react. In a sense, you knew you should've felt something—nervous, perhaps? Or maybe a little excited—but at that moment, no enthusiasm came to you.

"What do you mean 'Ah'? You can't say just 'Ah'!" Your mama pouted, crossing her arms but not letting go of the uniform. "Aren't you excited? You're going back to school!"

You tried to feel a bit more eager, you really did, but there really wasn't anything that came to you when you heard about school. You scratched the side of your cheek with a finger, saying somewhat nervously, "Uhm... I guess so?"

She sighed, putting back the uniform inside the paper bag. "I guess school is just that boring, huh? And I was hoping Mikoto-chan would at least remember something if I showed it to you."

You shrugged, offering your mama the courtesy of at least an apologetic smile. "Sorry." You told her, honestly appreciating her action. In the back of your mind, you wondered whether your mama was right about school—that it was too boring to remember anything about it. But a part of you also considered that maybe you didn't want to know the things you did in school.

The two Level 5s' visit to you a few days ago had made you think hard about your previous self. From what you had gathered, there seemed to be a lot of things that you had chosen to hide from your friends and family. You hoped they weren't too serious, because from everything that had been happening since you awakened, you were coming close to being overwhelmed. But a part of you knew that if these things really weren't serious then you wouldn't have hidden them from everyone in the first place.

You kind of wanted to hit yourself in the head for being so stupid and keeping everyone you trusted in the dark like that—given, it was your pre-memory loss self, but you nonetheless—but you had easily deduced that giving yourself another amnesia won't really solve any of the possible messes that your previous self had probably made.

"Is there something wrong, Mikoto-chan?" Your Mama asked, bringing you out of your thoughts.

You blinked, realizing that you had probably been staring off to space for some time now. You shook your head, smiling to reassure her. "It's nothing. Just wondering how school was like."

"Well, you never really told me much details about it, so you're going to have to wait a little." She said, setting the paper bag beside you on the bed. "When I checked on Tokiwadai, they said the new semester will start in two weeks. I've already enrolled you, but they said they wanted to talk to you first before you go back."

Your brow rose, "Talk to me about what?"

She shrugged, "Who knows? It's probably about your memory problem. I think they're worried because you're their poster girl."

You hummed, not knowing what else to say. Sometimes, you still felt a little overwhelmed at how important Misaka Mikoto—you were. It was like there was a gaping hole that your previous self used to fill, but now, you could barely even patch it up. You wondered how past-you were able to be so many things to so many people.

"Tomorrow, we'll be going back to your dorm," your Mama spoke again, "We'll check in with your Dorm Mistress, okay? She'll help us get you settled in."

That was right. You lived in a dorm. You were a little scared of the prospect of being away from your parents in your condition, but Shirai-san was your roommate, so you guessed it could be worse.

You stopped yourself from saying your concerns, and meekly replied. "Okay."

Intimidating was the first word that came to you that described your Dorm Mistress.

She was stern and strict-looking with her hard gaze and straight posture. Add the office clothes and the pointy glasses to the mix, and you have yourself a scary Dorm Mistress. You could almost swear that she had been a navy seal or something before she retired from that job and took up managing middle school girls' dormitories, if her terrifying aura could say anything about her.

Your Mama had left you with her after dropping you off, promising you that she'd have lunch with you later and invite your friends to come as well. The Dorm Mistress then led you to what you presumed to be her office. You sat on the simple comfy sofa in the middle of the room, tugging at your uniform as you waited. Apparently, Tokiwadai required its students to wear uniform even outside the school—something about school pride and whatnot. You thought it was more of forcing its students to behave though, rather than school pride. What better way to make sure their students are law abiding citizens than blatantly showing the students how easy it would be to track and punish them if they ever do something un-ojou-sama-ish.

Your brows scrunched up a little. That was another thing that you were really uncomfortable about. Since when were you an ojou-sama?

"Here." You were snapped out of your thoughts when the Dorm Mistress suddenly offered you a cup of tea. You mumbled a soft 'thank you' and took it, holding it in what you thought was the proper way. She sat down on the seat in front of you, sipping at her own cup.

You fidgeted as you waited for her to talk. You weren't going to lie; this woman made you nervous for some reason. While it wasn't the threatening kind (or you hoped it wasn't), it was still very intimidating. You tried sneaking glances at her, only to find that she had been staring at you intently, and it only made your unease grow.

Gathering up what little courage you have, you spoke. "Uhm... so—"

"How are you, Misaka?" she asked, her voice much gentler than it had been earlier when she had spoken before.

You were a little surprised at the change, but you answered anyway as you looked away. So many people had asked you that question that you were getting really tired of it. "I'm fine." came your automatic reply.

"You're not a very good liar, Misaka. And just so you know, I've always been able to tell whenever you're not telling the truth." She said, giving you a look. "How are you really?"

You frowned a little. What were you supposed to say? How were you? You knew almost nothing about yourself. Heck, your Wikipedia page may know you more than you knew yourself, if it existed that was. How could you answer something about yourself when you had no idea who you were?

"I don't know." You ended up answering. "I lost my memories, and even though everyone has been trying to help me recover them, telling me things about myself, I still feel like I don't know who I am."

You closed your eyes and gripped your cup a little tighter. You recalled the past few days, meeting people while they told you about how you were before. You appreciated that they go through all those effort, but sometimes, it wasn't enough. Sometimes, it felt like you were listening to a story about someone else and you were merely an onlooker.

"Misaka Mikoto." You said out loud. The name had felt more natural the more you said it, but there was still a feeling of unfamiliarity whenever you try to associate yourself with the name. "That was the first name I learned when I woke up. People say I'm Misaka Mikoto, but sometimes, to me it feels like she's a character from a book. She's smart. She's strong. She's nice. She inspires people, and she's a selfless person who wouldn't bat her eye at the face of danger if it meant helping someone. She's this... great heroine character, and I feel like I'm just reading the book, imagining I'm her."

She studied you for another moment, before asking, "Is that why you're so stiff? You're afraid you'll do something Misaka Mikoto won't?"

You flinched at her observation, mentally deciding that she wasn't a navy seal but a spy or some kind of interrogator if she was able to read you so easily in the span of mere minutes since meeting you. You looked away, not knowing how to reply.

She sighed at this. "I can't say I understand because I don't. I won't pretend to know how to help you either. All I can say is this: you and the old Misaka Mikoto may not have the same mind, not yet, but you will always have the same heart. It may not feel like it, but you're already acting like yourself. You're still you. Even if you don't realize this, everyone else does. So just cut yourself some slack and try not to overthink too much."

You stared at her for a moment, mulling over what she said. But then you let out a breath of laughter before giving her a wry smile. "The heart is just a muscle that pumps blood though. Even if I get a heart transplant right now, it won't really change who I am."

She offered a small smirk in return. "See? Now that's the Misaka Mikoto that I know."

A girl sat with a boy on the bench, each holding a can of juice. For a long moment neither spoke. No one knew what to say.

"So why didn't you ever tell anybody?" She asked softly. She turned her head towards him but he kept his gaze forward. "Your friends, your family... don't you think they deserve to know?"

He gave a sad smile. "I know they do." He said. He rubbed his thumb along the side of the can, wiping the moisture that had condensed upon contact with the cold drink. "I'd just rather they don't get hurt."

"But how can you stand it? You might not say it out loud but I know you still think you're just living the life of 'the original Kamijou Touma'."

"Which is why I'm doing my best to protect everyone's smile. I may not know who I was, but I know Kamijou Touma would've done everything to protect those he loved."

"And you?"

He smiled a little. "I may be filling in his role, but I've come to love those people too. That's why I never told anyone. I don't want the people Kamijou Touma and I love to be hurt unnecessarily. I want to protect them, even from something like this."

"But then, who's gonna protect you?" She asked. "I may not understand what you're going through, but don't you think it'll be easier when you have someone to be there for you? For the people you love to support you?"

He turned to her, giving her that whole-hearted smile that always seemed to make her heart melt. "Don't you already?"


Author's Notes:

Yay for Dorm Mistress! XD people mostly thought it would be Misaki and hey, I don't blame you! I would've thought it was her too XD So does this count as Touma's first appearance? XD even though it's in a flashback hahaha

I realize this story is going pretty slowly but that's how i plan it to be. I don't wanna rush the development and stuff but this won't be as slow burn as that 80 chapter masterpiece I read in another fandom. it took 10 chapters for them to have a civil conversation and 43 chapter for them to get together XDD no worries. I'm not good enough of a writer to write a story that long hahaha

anyway, i'm posting this to say that there's a distinct possibility of me going MIA for several months aka school months. I'll try not to completely neglect this but i don't want to get delayed another semester XD also, i know i don't say this often enough but I really appreciate you guys who still read and wait for this story. I'm not the best writer and i definitely do not update as quickly as I used to so thank you :))

Next Chapter: A Secret Makes a Woman, Woman

Can I just say that I'm excited for the next chapter? XDDD I'll still be looking forward to your guesses on the next chapter :D and i would also appreciate it if you review using an account. I can't reply to anonymous reviews XD

that's all i think. Hope you enjoyed this chapter and that I'll see you in the next one too :D

~~61wisampa