X. You're Still You to Me
You released your grip on the heavy metal block, allowing it to drop onto the ground with a loud bang. It jarred your mind even more than using your ability strenuously, leaving you almost sickeningly dizzy. You put your palm against your head and leaned on your knees, willing the dizziness away as you panted. Your therapy had been becoming heavier each session and today, your therapist had insisted you try lifting 100 kg of metal to see if you were able to regain some part of your original power.
By lifting, you of course meant using magnetism to do it. And apparently, back before the incident, you were able to lift a hell lot more than this.
You closed your eyes as another wave of nausea assaulted you. You really shouldn't think so much after one of your sessions.
Dr. Inami, a very sweet and kind Ability Therapist—(the best in her field, and though she was very kind to you, she offered no patience to men, especially those who she claimed was 'just like my last husband')—approached your hunched form and touched a cold bottle of water to your forehead. You sighed in relief at soothing feeling, closing your eyes for a moment before taking the bottle so you could hold it on your own.
"How are you feeling, Misaka-san?" Dr. Inami asked, and you could hear a little trace of amusement and concern in her voice. This had been the first question she had asked you since your sessions started. She'd make you do something with your ability and then ask what you were feeling. You knew she was gauging whether you'll be able to go back to your full strength or not, or if you could, how long it might take. Apparently, whatever happened to you had messed up not only your memories but other parts of your brain too.
No one told you how it messed you up though, and apart from knowing that it affected your abilities, you knew nothing.
"Dizzy." You answered Dr. Inami after a while. Straightening up, you told her everything that may be caused by the therapy. "Really dizzy. My vision got blurry for a moment, and my head is starting to throb like hell." You removed the bottle from your forehead and twisted the cap, drinking from it. You relished the cool water going down your throat and immediately felt a little better. "I think the headache is more from fatigue though. And for some reason, I feel a little sore. It feels like I lifted the damn thing myself."
Dr. Inami was dutifully scribbling notes on her clipboard as she replied, "Must've really worn you out if you're speaking with such crude language." You felt your cheeks go a little warm. "What happened to the prim and proper ojou-sama?"
You frowned a little, giving her a little glare. "Memory loss, remember?"
She snorted. "Could've fooled me. You were so polite on our first session, I could hardly believe you're a crazy Level 5."
"Hey! Being a Level 5 doesn't equate to being crazy!"
"Oh honey, you beautiful, naive, newborn baby."
You forgot to mention that even though she was kind and sweet, she loved messing with you from time to time.
Dr. Inami ignored whatever unpleasant expression you had on your face and continued as if you hadn't talked. "How about while you were lifting the metal, did you have any problems calculating? I saw it waver when you first lifted it."
You huffed but shook your head in reply. "No. That was the easy part. I'm sure all my calculations were right, but when I tried to use my ability, somehow I couldn't put as much power as I wanted to. It's like my strength was never enough. I couldn't lift it as easily as I wanted to because I keep adding more power once I realize I exerted too little."
The doctor gave a thoughtful hum, glancing at you as she tapped the pen she was holding on her chin. You emptied the contents of the bottle as you waited for her response, and after another moment, she said, "It looks like our initial theory was correct."
Your eyes snapped back to her. "What initial theory?"
"Heaven Canceller had, of course, given me a very detailed description of what happened to you—the physical and mental damage you've sustained, I mean." She explained, putting the clipboard wedged under her armpit so she could cross her arms. "We initially tried to deduce how they could affect you so I can properly set your therapy sessions, and we thought that you'd have problems using your full strength. When it comes to calculative abilities, you are still very much a Level 5, but when it comes to power output, I'm afraid you're only at par with Level 3s or a weak Level 4 at best. The damage in your brain seemed to have affected your Personal Reality, in a way. It didn't change it, but it's weaker now. Your AIM field isn't as strong as it used to. But what's even more perplexing is that you didn't lose your strength from the get go. It steadily decreased since you woke up until a few days ago. We're not even sure if this decrease has really stopped or if we can reverse it. We think it's more psychological on your part."
You listened quietly as she spoke, your brows scrunching up as you tried to discern her words' implications. "What does that mean for me then?" you asked.
"It means..." she sighed, rubbing her temples once before continuing, "It means we don't know how you'll get your old strength back. I'm still advising you to come to our sessions and exercise your ability regularly. Just like muscles, maybe you just need to work it a bit and you'll get back stronger than ever. It's not a certainty though because while levels aren't measured with how strong your AIM field is, you're the first case that we know that dropped levels because of it. Most espers who drop levels get brain damage and end up being unable to perform complicated calculations while still retaining their large AIM. With you, however, is the opposite, and we're not sure how to approach it."
You stood there, contemplating about what she had just said. You don't really remember the power you had before all of this, but knowing that you might not be able to get it back put a pit in your stomach. It seemed like a very important part of the previous you, and though you were sure that your friends won't think of you any less, you knew it was this power that had helped you protect them.
But then again, it was this that had probably caused you to lose your memory too.
You sighed, brushing your bangs with your fingers distractedly. You didn't really know how to respond, so you nodded to her and said a soft, "Okay."
"Are you alright, Misaka-san?" you looked up from the drink that you had been absentmindedly stirring with your straw when Saten-san spoke. "You seem a little down."
You two were at Joseph's Cafe, waiting for Kuroko and Uiharu-san to come and join you for dinner after they finished their Judgment work. It would be another half an hour before they finish but you and Saten-san decided to wait anyway. Besides, it was raining outside and, umbrellas aside, you didn't really want to get your socks wet.
You thought for a moment, recalling your session with Dr. Inami that afternoon. You had been trying to get your mind off it but to no avail. You hadn't told anyone about it because 1) you didn't really have the time to and, 2) you just didn't want anyone else to know. But Saten-san is alone with you right now and from what the three of them had told you so far, you tend to vent out to Saten-san with things like these—problems where you didn't need an overreacting Kuroko or a hero-worshipping Uiharu-san.
You pursed your lips for a moment before saying, "It's nothing." because even though you knew Saten-san was the best bet to tell, you were independent and stubborn and would rather not burden your friends with things that seemed too trivial to fuss over.
In response, she gave you a hard stare and set both of her arms on the table, leaning towards you. In a stern voice, she said, "Misaka-san."
You met her gaze and couldn't look away. "Y-yes?"
Her eyes narrowed a little before she continued. "I know you don't remember it so I'm telling you this again. We're your friends, and we'll always want to help you. You can't just keep things from us." You averted your gaze and this seemed to cause her to sigh. "I know it would take time for you to trust us again, but we're all trying. We care about you and—"
You hastily shook your head when you realized where she was heading, "That's not it, I swear." You stopped her before she could get to some other conclusion about not trusting them enough. You did, oddly enough, but it was still a little scary to admit it to them. "It's not that I don't trust you, Saten-san, I just..." you struggled to find the words, and you trailed of when you couldn't.
Saten-san seemed to sense your struggled and prompted, "You just what, Misaka-san?"
You took a deep breath and blurted out, "I don't trust myself." You told her, gripping the glass in front of you. "Everyday, I keep trying to get my memories back, trying to remember who I was, and everyday, I seem to get farther and farther from that."
"Misaka-san—"
You put up a hand to stop her. "Please, just let me finish first." She closed her mouth and nodded, and you took hat as cue to continue. "First, I was trying so hard to fit this image of Misaka Mikoto everyone has told me, and I ended up making a fool of myself. And when I try to be myself, everything else just goes and reminds me that Misaka Mikoto was better than me and I could never measure up to her. No one will ever trust me like that again because I'm not me. Hell, you guys don't even trust me enough to tell me the truth."
Your words seemed to have stung Saten-san a little, but you felt like you've been bottling this up for too long and now you couldn't stop.
"And then earlier this afternoon, when I went to therapy, my therapist told me I may never get my power back again." You leaned your forehead against your palm, clenching your other hand into a fist. "I'm no longer a Level 5, and I may never recover from that... I may never be me again.
"And I don't know... because of that, I feel like I can't really tell any of you guys. You're all Misaka Mikoto's friends, but who am I? Just a hollow shell that she left when she lost her memories." You admitted as you closed your eyes, feeling a slight heaviness in your chest. "I'll never be able to match up to her."
Your eyes snapped open when you felt a warm hand cover your clenched fist. Your glance darted to it before settling on Saten-san. Her eyes were sad, and there was a guilty look on her face, and for the life of you, you couldn't fathom why. She opened her mouth a moment later but she didn't speak. You watched as she tried to think of the words to say, all the while, her hand began to tremble a bit and her eyes watered lightly. The tears never escaped though even as she took a deep breath and finally said.
"I'm sorry, Misaka-san, if we ever made you feel that way," she lifted her other hand and enclosed yours between hers. You wanted to say something to tell her that no, you didn't do anything wrong, it was me but her expression made you stop. You squeezed her hands, hoping that it would at least reassure her as she spoke. "But know that I'm telling the truth when I say that we don't care that you lost your memories, or that you're not a Level 5 anymore. To us, you're still just that girl who is a little tomboyish and adores Gekota to death, but is also brave and loyal and would help anyone in trouble with or without power." She gave you the biggest smile she could muster, reminding you of that moment when she and Uiharu-san had first learned of your memory loss. "It's not your level, Misaka-san, or whether you're acting correctly or that you can't beat your old high score in the arcade. It's... it's just you, Misaka-san. I see you, talk to you, and I know it's you. I don't need any other proof than what I feel when I'm with you."
You felt your neck and cheeks burn as she finished. You were mildly embarrassed at how sincere and just... heart-warming her words had been. You couldn't help but notice one thing she had said though... "H-how did you know a-about the a-arcade?"
Her smile slipped into that mischievous grin you become so familiar with. "Well, I kind of saw you spending all your tokens on a single game one time, and when I tried it, I saw that most of the names in the highest scores were 'Miko2' except for the number 1 place. And since I know for a fact that you had the highest score on most games there, it didn't take me long to realize it was you."
You buried your face into the palm of your free hand and groaned. "Was it really that obvious?"
She giggled a little, but her voice was once again serious when she spoke. "But I mean it, Misaka-san." You looked up at her again and found her gazing at you softly. "Your level doesn't define who you are, and it surely doesn't make you any less amazing to me. Like a really good friend once told me, 'Levels don't matter. It's your desire to help others that makes a difference.' I live by those words now, and I want you to believe them too."
You felt like a heavy weight had been lifted from you chest. A smile made its way to your lips and you told her, "Thank you, Saten-san."
She grinned back at you and with one last squeeze, released your hand as she said, "That's what friends do, Misaka-san."
You felt your smile widen. You took a sip from your neglected drink, thinking about what your friend had just said. After a moment, you asked, "So who's the friend who told you that?"
Her lips turned up lightly as she answered, "You."
"Misaka-san?" Saten-san's voice was worried and trembling when you answered her call. "What are you doing? I thought you said it's dangerous to go to that place."
You clenched your phone a little tighter as you felt the familiar hum of security cameras around you. You should've known Uiharu-san would find you. You knew you had acted suspiciously when you asked Saten-san to stay with Uiharu-san while Kuroko was informing Anti-Skill and the rest of Judgment about what was happening. You cursed inwardly for forgetting to cover your tracks in your haste.
You took a breath and replied as calmly as you could. "Don't worry, Saten-san. I'll be back as soon as I can." You told her as you continued your way to your destination.
"But you're heading somewhere dangerous! I still don't know exactly what's going on—Shirai-san hasn't told any of us—but mobilizing both Judgment and Anti-Skill? This sounds as serious as that incident with Febri! You're going to need our help!"
"Saten-san, it's—" you paused, trying to find the right words to say. You were touched by her concern and desire to support you, but you knew that this was one battle they couldn't join. "I don't want to lie to you..."
"Then please, tell us what's happening so we can help you!" she pleaded.
"I can't."
"Don't you trust us?"
"It's not that—"
"Let us help you, please!"
"I—"
"Misaka-san—"
"I can't." You repeated with as much weight as you could, hoping she'd understand. "Please, believe me when I say that this isn't because I don't trust you because I do. But this isn't like the time with Febri. We're not just about to face an army of powersuits or trying to stop several missiles that are heading for Academy City. I don't even think we'll be facing science at all. That's how unsure I am about this thing, and that just makes it all the more dangerous. So please..." your voice softened into a whisper as you begged, "Please just trust me on this and keep yourselves safe. I promise, I'll tell you everything after."
You waited tensely for her reply, hoping that she—all of your friends—were not angry enough to ignore your warnings and follow you. After a long silence from her end, she said, "You need to promise me one thing, Misaka-san."
Her words made you pause. "What is it?"
"...come back to us safe and sound."
You couldn't say anything back. You didn't want to lie nor did you want to break any promises. So instead you said, "I'll see you guys when this is over."
Silently, as you snapped your phone shut and continued to race to the building, you knew Saten-san didn't miss the fact that you did not promise her anything.
Author's Notes:
What is with all this drama? Why did I write so much drama here?! uuuuuggggghh also I was informed that Saten-san and Frenda are on the cover of a Railgun spin-off so... SHIPPING IT XD even though i still kinda ship Saten and Accelerator. ugh the curse of multishipping but not being comfortable with OT3s
got this chapter out after leaving a chapter 80% finished for 6 months XDDDD at least I updated a weeeee bit faster this time hahahahaha sorry
expect more chapters like this in the future!
Next Chapter: Don't Think that I Care
let's all hope this story will be finished before 2020! :DDDD also I think this next one has been a long time coming... and hopefully more predictable
