XII. Restraint Isn't My Strong Suit
"Where are you taking me?" you asked as he dragged you. There was a barely hidden grin on his face while he refrained from answering. "Oi, you idiot. You've been dragging me since we met up at the park. Why are we in the Underground Mall? You haven't even told me what this thing you want to show me is."
"Patience." He craned his head back, smirking when he saw your scowl. "We're almost there, Misaka-sama. Please just wait for a few more minutes, and I'm sure you'll be really glad that you followed me."
You narrowed your eyes suspiciously at him but relented, keeping quiet as he led you to a store you didn't recognize. When the two of you entered, he immediately set off to talk to the man at the counter, leaving you to look around in wonder at all the adorable character toys displayed on the shelves. Posters, t-shirts, jackets, figurines, stuffed toys, wallets, and so many more items, all designed with various cartoons and anime you recognize. You felt your inner geek awaken as you gazed at everything, and for a moment, you actually considered buying the whole store. This was like the ultimate fan store and you want everything. Fortunately (or not), he called you over just as you began to mentally calculate how much one of everything would cost.
He was grinning widely when you approached him, and you were pretty sure that he had an idea of what you had been thinking. Your reaction upon entering the store must've been too obvious, and you blushed a little as you considered this. Trying to save face, you crossed your arms and huffed as you stopped in front of him, "What?"
He let out a snicker before saying, "Nothing. I just want to tell you not to buy the store. This place is fairly new here and I don't want to see it closed so soon."
You glare at him but he only laughed.
"Anyway," he waved your glare off, gesturing a hand to the man behind the counter as he said, "This is Hayato-san. He's the owner of this shop."
You bowed politely to him and offered your greetings. Hayato-san smiled, his wrinkles becoming more evident at the action, and responded, "So you are the lovely Misaka-san. I've been told you are a Gekota connoisseur and an avid collector, yes?"
You blushed at the man's words, a little embarrassed that a stranger knew something a little personal about you. Your eyes darted towards the ground as you admitted, "Uhm... yeah..."
"Then I'm sure you would love this." Hayato-san said, making you look back at him as he bent down to pick something up from behind the counter. You immediately brightened when he showed you the items.
You almost grabbed the items in Hayato-san's hand but refrained yourself. You were, however, unable to tone down your excitement. "No way! Are these...?"
The man nodded as he offered the them to you. "Limited edition Gekota and Pyonko t-shirts that were released five years ago. They are terribly cheap in the market but if you find the right crowd, they are priceless."
You couldn't stop staring at the Gekota themed clothes in your hands. You didn't have the funds to get them yourself when it was released because you were too young back then. And once you did, the shirts were long gone and no one was willing to sell theirs online.
"How much for both?" you instantly put your game face on, determined to buy the shirts no matter the cost.
"I'm sorry, but these had already been bought," your face fell at the man's words, but Hayato-san merely smiled, "As a matter of fact, this young man right here was the one who bought them."
You blinked in surprise when Hayato-san gestured to the boy with you. The guy in question offered you a grin as your eyes widened. "Youbought these?"
He shrugged. "Well, yeah. That's why I dragged you all the way here."
Warmth began to spread in your chest and face at his implications, but you tried to ignore it. You didn't really want to assume, so instead, you asked, "Oh... then why did you buy it? I thought you said you're not a fan."
"Stupid." He quipped lightly, tapping your forehead with his knuckle softly, "Isn't it obvious? It's for you."
You desperately tried not to blush any further, but you couldn't do anything about the smile that spread onto your face. You clutched the shirts to your chest and told him, meeting his eyes, "Thank you."
You found yourself in the Underground Mall because of that dream you had. Somehow, bits and pieces of your memories resurfaced to you in the form of a dream, and for the first time since your memory loss, you felt like you were moving forward—like you were finally moving closer to getting back to who you once were.
When you had woken up that morning with the memory of the dream, the first thing you did was shuffle through your closet in search of the Gekota and Pyonko shirts. You couldn't remember the exact details of these shirts, but when you found the pink Pyonko t-shirt underneath all of your other clothes, you just knew it was the same thing. You couldn't find the Gekota one though, which put a little doubt to the legitimacy of your dream, so you figured that the only way to confirm if your dream really was a memory was to find the store and ask the shop owner himself.
Which was why you found yourself roaming the Underground Mall with the Pyonko t-shirt in tow for at least a full hour until your feet began to hurt and you decided to take a break in one of the fast food chains you saw.
You sat in your booth, munching on your fries as you scrolled through your contacts. The cute Gekota strap attached to your phone swung lightly with every button you push, and you couldn't help but fiddle with it every so often. After your fruitless hour of shop hunting, you were considering on asking for help. Kuroko apparently didn't know that your Pyonko shirt had been a gift—she had assumed you obtained it with your usual ways considering how often you come home with Gekota merchandise—so she had no clue as to where the shirts could've come from. Consulting Uiharu-san after that was also a bum, because apparently, the shirts had been off the market for five years now and no one had sold theirs online. This left you no choice but to look for it the old fashion way—window shopping.
But even with your effort, you couldn't find it. The Underground Mall was ridiculously huge. An hour of roaming around only got you to explore a floor. And even that left you tired. Continuing as you were seemed pointless so calling for back up was the best you could think of.
Choosing who though was posing to be a problem. Your Top 4 candidates—Kuroko, Saten-san, Uiharu-san and Shokuhou—were all busy so they were immediately out of the list. And though you have plenty of contacts in your phone, you weren't sure which of these people were close enough to you to know of your (slightly embarrassing) fondness over Gekota.
You were halfway through your contacts when you stopped, a name immediately catching your eyes.
Kamijou Touma.
It was the same last name of the person that no one seemed to want you to know.
Your palm connected with your forehead. "I'm so stupid." You groaned to yourself.
You knew Kamijou-sanwas someone you knew—a friend, perhaps—so why did you not think of looking through your contacts? It was enormously stupid of you. The fact that you always typed the name of whomever you were going to text was not an excuse to miss something like this.
You snapped your phone close and hastily finished your meal. Once you were done, you grabbed your bag from the table and briskly walked out of the restaurant, walking towards the less crowded part of the mall. It only took you a minute to head to the fashion stores section and you took a seat at the nearest unoccupied bench. You took a deep breath before taking out your phone again.
You looked at your phone screen, seeing the highlight on the name Kamijou Touma. There was a big chance that this was the same Kamijou-san.You could finally learn who this person was and he could be the one to answer all your questions about your memories.
Your thumb hovered over the call button, your heart beating erratically whilst you hesitated. Clenching your jaw, you closed your eyes and pressed.
It took you another moment to put your phone to your ear, but when you did, you've never felt so disappointed in hearing the voice on the other line.
"Sorry. This number is no longer in service. Sorry. This number..."
"Oh c'mon!" You dialled again, only to get the same result. "You have got to be kidding me!"
You slumped back into the bench, incredibly disappointed. Just when you thought you were finally going to get some answers, this happened. Now you had no idea where to find the shirt, and still no leads about who this Kamijouwas.
"Yo!" You turned your head when you heard someone call out and surprisingly found the same guy from the vending machine approaching you. "Fancy seeing you here."
You sat straight up when you saw him. "It's you! Uh..." you trailed off, not knowing what to call him since you didn't know his name. He didn't want to tell you so it was his fault. You were a little tempted to call him Vending Machine Guy but decided it was too long—unless you use acronyms and called him VMG instead. That sounded like a cyborg name though so you immediately trashed the idea from your mind.
His lips twitched up when you were silent for a moment, possibly realizing what you had been thinking about when you trailed off. "You can call me whatever you want to. Don't worry about it. I was the one who refused to tell you my name anyway so it's only fair."
Your brow lifted at his words. "You know, come to think of it, if you had told me a fake name from the get go I wouldn't just not be wondering what your name really is, it would even give you more anonymity from me since I wouldn't think you were hiding your identity."
He blinked. "That's... a very good point."
You snickered at the expression on his face. "You're such an idiot. You know what? Maybe that would be my nickname for you. You idiot. Yep, it definitely suits you."
You had meant your words as a joke, but his face fell at your words. You didn't think it would be so insulting that he'd be upset. "Sorry." You immediately told him, feeling a little guilty. "I was just joking. I didn't really mean it—"
"It's fine." He shook his head as he interrupted you. "You can call me that. I did say you can pick any nickname."
You frowned. "But you looked upset. Aren't you mad because I called you that?"
"No, no. I just..." He was forcing out a smile as he avoided your gaze, his eyes becoming a little glassy as he spoke, "I just remembered something from what you said. I'm not upset about the nickname, I swear."
You didn't really believe him but you relented anyway, feeling that he really would rather not talk about it. "Okay." There was a short moment of pause between you, his expression deep in thought, so you thought to change the subject. "So what are you gonna call me? I gave you a nickname, maybe you should give me one too just to be fair."
He lifted an eyebrow at you as he said, "You know that I know you, right?"
"Well, it's not like you've called me by name since we met again so..." you shrugged, a smile tugging at your lips.
He shook his head but the corner of his mouth twitched up. "How about ojou-sama? Coming from Tokiwadai, that should fit you nicely."
You made a face. "Ew, you calling me that sounds wrong on so many levels. And if you knew me at all, you should know I am in no way, shape or form an ojou-sama."
"Oh, I definitely know..." you heard him mutter under his breath.
You lifted an eyebrow in challenge. "What was that?"
"Nothing, ojou-sama," you sent him a dry glare while he grinned innocently. He approached the bench you were sitting on and sat a polite distance away from you. "So what are you doing here? You seemed bummed when I found you."
You let out a sigh. "Actually, I was looking for a store, specifically the one where I got this t-shirt." You explained as you took out the said item that was carefully folded in your bag. You saw a fleeting look of recognition when you showed it to him, making you stop. "Do you recognize this?" You asked, hoping to get any information that you could get your hands on.
"Of course," he said, "I've seen you wear it before. Why would you want to know where you bought it?"
"Because I didn'tbuy it. Some guy did." You set the pink shirt on your lap and rubbed your temples as you recalled your dream, the effort causing a slight pain in your head as you tried to remember what the boy looked like. "I had this... dream... it was like a memory of sorts. There was a boy who took me to this store and bought me this shirt—" you tapped the Pyonko t-shirt, "and another one but with Gekota on it. Obviously, I found this one but the Gekota shirt wasn't in my dorm. Mama was sure she didn't move my stuff while I was unconscious so if my dream really was a memory, the Gekota shirt should besomewhere."
"So you're hoping that finding the t-shirt will lead you to this mystery guy?" he asked.
"That was the plan. I have a feeling he's this Kamijou-santhat no one wants me to meet." You slumped back into the bench, staring at the ceiling. "And get this, as it turns out, I havethisKamijou-san's number but when I tried calling it, it wasn't in service. I guess I should've figured that he'd change his phone number if he really didn't want me to contact him again."
The boy beside you didn't reply even after a few seconds of silence so you turned your head towards him. You found him looking away with an unreadable expression on his face. His lips were pursed and his brows crinkled in thought.
"Hey, are you alright?"
His attention snapped back at you. "Hm? Oh, it's nothing. I'm fine. I don't recall you mentioning any Kamijou-san though so I don't think I can help you with that."
You let out a sigh at his words. "Figures... I just can't get a break, can I?"
He nudged you lightly with his elbow, standing up. "C'mon, cheer up. If you want, I can come look around with you. I'm free for a few hours, and I bet I know this place more than you."
"Really?" You asked in slight surprise. He had told you his overly complicated reasoning on why he kept seeing you when he didn't want you to know him so it was a bit of a surprise that he would willingly spend an extended amount of time with you. You couldn't really complain though so you merely smiled and stood up as well. "Yeah, okay. We can do that."
He grinned. "Alright then. A cartoon designed t-shirt can only exist in a few places. We should be able to find it by process of elimination."
You let out a laugh. "For some reason, it sounds weird to hear you use intelligent terms. Process of elimination, really?"
"What? It's the most useful process of anythingin the world. It's the only reason why I pass my subjects."
"Ah, talking about your failing grades? Now that sounds normal."
"Hey! I resent that!"
You had actually thought you could do it, what with Vending Machine Guyhelping you out, but two hours, two sodas, an order of takoyaki, some fries, two pairs of aching feet and around fifty stores later, you were convinced that the store you were looking for didn't exist.
"I give up," you grumbled as you slumped onto the bench, "It's not here. We've gone to everystore that might sell it and still no dice."
Vending Maching Guy sat on your left side, also leaning tiredly on the bench's backrest. "For a cartoon shirt, finding where it came from seems impossible. In all the places we've checked, they said those things don't exist in the public market anymore. How in the world did you even get a hold of that?"
"I told you, I didn't. Some guy gave it to me." You let out a tired sigh before grabbing the t-shirt you had set beside you on your right. You had opted to keep it outside your bag for easy access when you were going store to store and asking them about it. You put it on your lap, staring at Pyonko's smile. "Maybe it wasjust a dream. Maybe I got this online somewhere and didn't get the Gekota one. Maybe I'm just chasing this empty hope that if I meet this person, I'll remember who I am." You shook your head in resignation and dropped the shirt onto the floor. "Useless."
You could feel his stare even without looking, and you crossed your arms in discomfort, turning away. After a moment, you felt him shift, and from your peripherals, you saw him pick the discarded shirt up and patting the dirt away. He was silent for a few seconds before he asked quietly, "Do you really believe that?"
You scoffed. "It seems that way, doesn't it? We've been searching for hours, and we hadn't found anything."
"I was talking about wanting to meet the person who gave this to you." He interjected. "You really think you'll remember just by meeting him?"
"No." You answered tightly. "I know it's stupid to believe that. One person can't just trigger allof my memories. Plus, that would be unhealthy. But..."
You recalled all those moments, those instances with people you've met again when they would look at you and just... lie. You never called them out about it, especially not your friends, but it hurts to know that the people you should trust the most in your vulnerable state were the ones keeping secrets from you. You knew they were doing it to protect you—in ways you didn't really understand—but didn't you deserve the truth? And Kamijou... you just knew in your heart that he was someone special to you so why did they refuse to tell you who he was?
"Ineedto meet him." You told him. "This Kamijou-san, the guy who gave that childish t-shirt that obviously meant so much to me," you waved your hand towards the pink shirt in speech, "I know he's important. Why would I keep dreaming of him if he wasn't? Why do I feel this... holein my chest when I think of him? Hell, I don't even have any proof that he's really the same guy but somehow I can just feelit. I need him because... because I feel like he's the key to getting my memories back..." You rested your elbows on your knees as you leaned forward to cover your face with your palms. "I don't know. It sounds rubbish when I say it out loud but there's no other way I could explain it."
There was a long moment of silence between the two of you. You basically killed the conversation with one of your frequent identity crisis rants so you weren't surprised when he sighed loudly and said, "Look, I gotta go."
You didn't move, only nodding to acknowledge him and replying with a weak, "Yeah."
"Hey." You felt him move in front of you, and you were a little surprised when he grabbed your wrists and pulled it away from your face. This caused you to inevitably look at him, and when your eyes met, he smiled reassuringly. "I'm sorry I wasn't much help, but you shouldn't give up. If you really think that finding him is the best way to get your memories back, then you should continue to look for him. He couldn't hide from you forever."
You were sure your heart skipped a beat when he casually rubbed his thumb against the back of your hand. There was a warmth that spread through your chest and clogged your throat. You tried to reply to him but couldn't, and his dark blue eyes mesmerized you as you stared into them. All you could really do in response was give a curt nod, all the while unable to look away.
But then, his smile faltered and his gaze darted down to your joined hands, as if suddenly realizing what he had been doing. He immediately released his hold, trying to act casual when he shied away from you. You felt yourself frown at the loss of contact.
"I really have to go now," he said as he stood up. He began to rub the back of his neck, "There's something I have to do befo—"
"Just go." You cut his explanation off quietly, averting your eyes to your lap. You were a little disappointed that he was leaving you for whatever reasons, but then you had to remind yourself that you didn't even knowhim. And what could you do when he didn't want you to know? Not for the first time, you felt your head spinning at his contradicting words and actions. It just made you all the more tired.
Neither of you moved for a long moment. Then, he took a slow step back and let out a sigh. You didn't need to look at him to know that he was running a hand through his hair in some form of frustration.
In a feat of stubbornness, you refused to look back at him. Even when you felt him leave, your gaze remained glued to the hand on your lap.
But then, you heard him say, "I'll see you later, Biribiri."
You didn't reply.
On your way out of the mall, there was one shop that immediately caught your eye. It was filled with cartoon and anime paraphernalia of various kinds, from posters to jackets and figurines. And although you were sure you haven't been there before—haven't even seenit before—there was a sense of familiarity when you entered it.
The toys along the shelves and the numerous anime/cartoon decorations felt like deja vu, and when you saw the man behind the counter, it was like you were back in that dream of yours.
He met your gaze and immediately smiled. "Ah, Misaka-san. It's been a while since you last came here. How have you been?"
You blinked and gaped for a good five seconds before you managed to stammer out, "H-Hayato-san?"
He merely chuckled. "Who else would be manning this store? I thought you had forgotten about me already." He joked, but when he finally recognized your dumbfounded expression. "You look like you've seen a ghost. Are you alright, dear?"
"I-I... I'm sorry, it's just... I need to ask you a question." You hastily brought the Pyonko t-shirt out of your shoulder bag and showed it to him. "Did you give me this?"
He seemed utterly confused but answered it anyway. "Why, yes. That t-shirt did come from me, as well as the matching Gekota one. I gave both of them to you." Then he frowned, "Why are you asking?"
"I lost my memories..." you admitted silently and his eyes widened, "The whole thing is under a hush-hush so I'll have to ask you not to tell anybody, but I had a dream last night about this shirt and I needed to know if it was real or not."
He studied you for a moment, his expression a mixture of sadness and understanding. "Alright, Misaka-san. And yes, if your dream was getting this t-shirt and the Gekota one from me, then it was real. That happened more than four months ago."
You felt hope bubble in your chest. "Was there someone with me?"
"Yes." his brow scrunched up in thought. "I'm surprised you haven't met him again. He was the one who bought the shirts for you."
"So he did buy the shirts,"You mumbled in realization. Turning back to Hayato-san, you asked, "Do you have his name?"
"His name is Kamijou. Kamijou Touma." You felt your heart stop at the name. There was something in your chest that you couldn't explain. The shirts hadbeen given by the same person that everyone was so keen on preventing you from meeting. And from your dream, you had been important enough toKamijouthat he'd buy you a childish merchandise he knew you loved. Did that mean he was important to you too? If so, then why didn't your friends—or anyone you asked, for that matter—tell you who he was? Why did they keep his existence from you?
There was too much going on in your head that you didn't even know what to feel anymore. You were confused and hurt and elated at the same time and you felt like unleashing all your fury by breaking something. But then, Hayato-san continued and his words brought you to a stop.
"Pardon me for saying this, Misaka-san..." You looked at him, barely containing an outburst. "but I was under the impression that the two of you were in a relationship. Was I mistaken?"
You froze then. For the life of you, you didn't even consider that. Thinking about it, it should've been obvious from your dream. Why would he put so much effort into buying you the shirts? And given the situation, you were pretty sure that he had the Gekota one. Did the shirt act like... couple shirts to the two of you?
But even then, you weren't sure. If you and him really had been in a relationship, he should've been one of the first people to see you when you woke up, right? If he had really been special to you, wouldn't he have at least visited you?
Then you suddenly remembered the disappearing door. Back when you were still in the hospital—and your spatial sensing still had a wide range—you felt, for a split moment, that the door had disappeared. It had unsettled you but your friends had assured you that it was nothing.
But what if it wasn't? What if it was Kamijou Toumawho was about to visit you but decided against it? Was he avoiding you for a reason? Was it because of him that everyone didn't want you to remember what happened?
"I don't know." For the first time since you woke up, you were truly lost. Looking down at the shirt in your hands, you clenched your fists. "I don't know."
Author's Notes:
First of all, thanks to that one reviewer that reminded me I have to update this. I've pretty much migrated to ao3 so i had to dig up my password for my account here. Thankfully, it wasn't lost (almost was though) so here I am posting like... almost 2 years since the last chapter!
Top 10 anime comebacks
Anyways, I'd have to be honest that I fell out of the To Aru fandom and even with season 3 recently airing, I can't seem to find it in me to get back to it. Finishing this story is gonna be super tough because I've forgotten their characters and I'm an either do it with everything i've got or not at all person. I will post as much as I can though (and there is surprisingly quite a lot of content i've done for this but not yet ready for publish) so i'll try my best to put them out. From my old outline of this story, there should be 7 chapters left with around 2 chapters worth of stuff written down but not ready for publish. And by that I meant they're actually several different chapters that are incomplete. I'm trying to reread though so I can at least finish these incomplete chapters.
Anyways, to those who still read this... thank you! you deserve a better author for being this patient but I'm glad you like this story enough to wait for it. Guess my original 2020 goal is a bit unrealistic. I'll see you next chapter!
Next Chapter: Because You are My Hero
We're really getting into the angst. it's making me antsy XD
~~61wisampa
