She awoke to the sounds of voices drifting in from the kitchen, down the hallway. Castle, Ryan, Lanie, Esposito... everyone was awake already.
She was suddenly very aware of the fact that she was very, very naked on the couch that they had been too unbothered to fold out into a bed and had instead slept practically on top of one another. How did he even manage to get away without waking her?
She stepped across the room and picked up her clothing that had been sloppily flung across the room - dangerously close to the door that had been left open just a crack. If anyone happened to walk past right now, they could probably see her. She slipped the clothing items on and made her way upstairs, quickly so no one would see her walk of shame. What she didn't expect was to run right into Jenny as she descended the stairs.
"Oof."
"I'm so sorry!" Jenny started frantically.
"No, that was my fault. I'm sorry." Beckett's voice was barely a whisper.
"I thought you were..." Jenny looked back up the stairs... Beckett knew exactly where everyone had thought she was... in her own bed, fast asleep. Jenny looked back with a smirk, having put two and two together. "Never mind." She continued.
"Please -"
Jenny motioned her finger and thumb across her mouth, as if zipping her lips shut. Not a word spoken to solidify this promise. Beckett appreciated it, but she should probably let Castle know. But first, she had to shower.
The smell of coffee and bacon filled the lower level of the residence. Beckett entered the kitchen, feeling fresh and wide awake after a nice, long shower. She had considered that someone else might have wanted to shower... but she needed this.
Lanie and Jenny had perched themselves on the stools at the island counter, watching on as the boys prepared breakfast. Bacon, eggs, French toast... the works.
"Coffee?" Castle asked as Beckett joined them, already handing over a large mug filled with steaming brown liquid. He knew his partner cherished her privacy - so he wasn't about to let slip any hint of what had happened just mere hours ago. He made a mental note that she was refusing to meet his eye, and hoped this wasn't an indication of regret on her behalf.
"Thanks." She took the mug. Her fingers grazing over Castle's during the exchange, sending a wave of heat through her body. She could feel her cheeks flush as she turned away from the all too crowded kitchen and headed to the dining table. She took a seat the the end of the table, so she could stare at the wall, but wouldn't be considered rude by having her back turned to the group. She just needed a minute - a moment to breathe and figure out her next step.
Because this is what happens when she doesn't carefully mull over every minor decision. She had simply wanted to know if Castle was awake... why that mattered was beyond her... but she went in without a plan and now she was left nervous and unsure of where exactly this left them. And having to figure it out surrounded by people.
"You okay?" The voice broke her from her thoughts, startling her. She caught her breath and turned to face the person now sitting in the chair beside hers. She could have sworn it was Castle's voice she had heard, but instead it is Lanie sitting with her, resting her hand gently on Beckett's forearm.
She offered her friend a warm smile in exchange for her concern. She wasn't able to talk about it right now... not before first calming her inner turmoil.
"I wanted to talk to you this morning..." Lanie started cautiously. "But... you weren't in your room." Their eyes locked as Beckett tried to hide the fear that would be evident. She knows...
"This is yours..." Espo unknowingly interrupted, placing a fresh glass of orange juice on the table in front of Lanie. She thanked him, before shooting him a deathly glare and moving her head to signal for him to leave... now. Espo looked a little confused, his eyes darting from Lanie, to Beckett, then back to Lanie. He nodded a silent understand and made his way back to the rest of the group.
"Should we maybe go for a walk?" Lanie asked.
"There's no need. I'm okay." Beckett pulled herself together - she didn't want to draw attention to herself. And if Lanie was concerned that something was wrong, she wouldn't give up until her friend had come clean. So lying... again... was the only option to get her through this. "I was reading outside... it was a nice morning, I wanted to take advantage of the views."
"Well, let me know if you want to talk about what you were actually doing." Lanie said coldly, accepting that there was no point in pushing her friend for information while in a group. She rose from the seat, grabbed her orange juice and walked back to the kitchen island, plopping down next to Jenny again. Beckett grabbed her coffee, deciding to finish it outside, and headed toward the garden.
Deciding anything longer than a short stroll through the garden would be too much space, Beckett headed back toward the courtyard. The Ryan's, Lanie and Esposito were sitting around the small outdoor dining table, enjoying their breakfast. Their plates were still full, so they must have only just started.
"This place is gorgeous, right?" Jenny promoted, noticing Beckett entering the courtyard.
"Yeah, it almost doesn't seem real." Beckett agreed before heading inside to rinse her now empty coffee cup. She noted Castle was in the kitchen, serving up a plate, and thought perhaps this would be an opportune moment to 'feel out' where his head was at with this whole... situation.
"You're back!" He announced as she entered the dwelling. "I wasn't sure how long you'd be so I was just making you a plate for later..." he tilted the plate, displaying the selection he had put aside for her.
"You don't have to do that for me." She quietly interjected.
"I know." He put the plate back, flat on the countertop, and rounded the island so he was standing in front of his partner. She didn't say anything, didn't meet his eyes... but took a small step away from him. "About last night..."
"It shouldn't have happened that way." She finally forced herself to look into his eyes.
"Okay..." was all he managed to say.
The silence was loud and both minds were racing with questions. Questions that, inevitably, would be buried and never asked.
"Why did it happen, then?" Castle couldn't hold back. Beckett looked at him, wide-eyed. For years now, they had an unspoken agreement to swallow their questions, to not force the confrontation. Of course, this wasn't the first time that unspoken agreement had been broken - in fact, the last time Castle had forced the confrontation... well, now wasn't the time to relive that.
"What do you mean?"
"Well... you came to me. Why?" He pushed further. And she didn't have an answer for him. She didn't know why she had made her way to his office, other than she knew he was there and some part of her wanted to be there with him. She took too long to answer him, so he continued. "I'm sorry if I've read too much into what happened... but maybe if I wasn't constantly left trying to fill in the blanks -"
"Fill in the blanks?" She was offended, even though she knew there was truth in his words. Again, her lack of communication was ruining everything. She wanted to apologise, to tell him everything and explain why she was only offering him half explanations. But she could see a fire in his eyes... she had been too defensive and now he was angry.
"I'm trying, Kate. I'm really trying. To give you the space you need but then you pull me back in only to push me away when I start to show you how I feel. You're toying with me - this isn't a game to me, Kate." He stopped himself before the words fell out of his mouth. I love you.
And she could tell that those words were there, right on the tip of his tongue. But he stopped himself... because he was done. Done waiting. Tired of taking one step forward and three steps back.
"I told you I wasn't ready."
"And I respected that."
Another silence fell over them. She wanted to match his anger, for trying to force her to be ready... but he was right... he had allowed her the space she had asked for. Every day, he was there beside her, showing her that he was there when she was ready. Everything had been on her terms since then... even was she thought Castle had been bold - it was his reaction to the queues she had been giving. Tears began to fill her eyes... recognition that once again, this was on her.
His intentions were pure. There was no ulterior motives, no "what if" or "maybe" had even occurred to him when he extended the invitation to her. But here they were - standing too close to each other, yet too far away, staring at each other in silence and knowing that this was it... this was make or break.
"But if this isn't what you want... I can't wait around for something that's never going to happen." His voice was softer... sorrow covered the anger, but not fully. He was feeling like he had wasted his time. "I'm not here for a one night stand. I need more, Kate. I'm sorry."
She wanted to tell him that she wanted him... needed him. But at this point, she was very aware of the eyes on her. His... theirs, outside. Everyone was watching her.
And she could feel the tear of that bullet in her chest, ripping her open. The room was spinning and, right now, all her energy had to go into focusing on her breathing, pulling herself back from that place and into reality... so no words came out.
He brushed against her side as he exited the room and the gentle touch of him against her was enough for her to break. A sob escaped her as she turned to follow him.
"Castle... please."
But he kept walking, straight through the front door.
"What the hell was that?"
Beckett turned to see Lanie now standing in the doorway, the rest of the group behind her with overly concerned expressions marring their faces.
"Not right now, Lanie." She pleaded, wiping tears from her cheeks. "I need to get out of here." She practically ran upstairs and began shoving the few stray articles of clothing from the bed into her bag.
"Give me a few minutes to pack up and I can take you home." Esposito offer, entering the bedroom.
"You don't have to do that. There's a car service not far from here..."
"It's the least I can do-"
"I'm fine, Javi. Honestly." She reached out and squeezed his hand. She appreciated that he cared - but right now she just wanted to be alone.
"At least let me drive you into town." He offered, never one to back down.
She smiled and nodded, knowing this was probably his final offer before dragging her to the car and driving her all the way to her apartment.
"Thanks." She allowed him to relax his arm around her shoulders and pull her into his side, leading her out to his car.
She didn't even say goodbye to the others. She couldn't. She was humiliated. She would deal with that later... for now, she just wanted to go home.
