A/N: Hey guys!
Thanks for the reviews – so far they all seem pretty positive, which is always great motivation!
I just wanted to say that this chapter is set during the same timeframe of the last chapter, but follows Beckett! Just so there's no confusion.
Also – language warning.
Enjoy!
Esposito had kept his arm around her until they reached the car; pulling her door open for her once it was within reach and gently taking the duffel bag from her hand so that she could get in easily. Once she had left his arm, he moved around the car and tossed the bag in the trunk before climbing into the driver's side.
"You sure you don't want me to take you home?" he checked, one final time. "It's no problem, at all, Beckett. Honestly."
She shook her head, no, and without another word he turned the ignition and began the short journey into town.
He hadn't expected the usually private detective to talk much, so the silent drive hadn't been unnerving in any way. She was taking the time to sort through her thoughts – something he had always respected about her… she wasn't rash, didn't make spur of the moment decision. So when she did let you in, open up to you in a way that she wouldn't usually, you would know it was because she truly wanted to – because she trusted you. So when – after some deliberation – she began to speak, he knew she really needed it…
"I'm sorry." She started.
"I don't think it's me you need to apologise to." He refused to sugar-coat with her… she wouldn't want him to, anyway.
"I know. It's just easier to talk to you… less pressure." She explained.
"I know a lot goes on behind closed doors – but from where I'm sitting, Castle isn't the one putting that pressure on you… it really seems like that's more an internal thing you got going on, Beckett."
"I know."
He really wasn't here for her nonsense. Good – she needed that. She needed someone to hold her accountable when she couldn't do it herself – because Castle never would… he would always, somehow, blame it on himself. And sure, he wasn't innocent in it all… but he always went easy on her – too scared to push her away, she supposed. After a minute of silence, she spoke again.
"I made a mistake… I tried to fix it… but I'm not good at this. I can't talk to him, Espo! I mean, what hope does that hold for an actual relationship with him? It would be a disaster!" she defended.
"Sounds like a whole lot of excuses to me…" he pulled up to the curb out front of the car hire place. "You and Castle have managed to avoid the heavy stuff for years now… what changed?"
"He loves me." Her voice was dry, void of emotion. She had to turn it off if she wanted to make it through this conversation.
"He told you that?" Esposito wasn't shocked by the writer's feelings – just that he had actually, finally, confessed them.
"A while ago."
"And… you don't feel the same way?" He was struggling to see how a confession from 'a while ago' had led to the blow up he had just witnessed.
"I don't know." Frustration seeped through – but she wasn't frustrated at her friend, she was frustrated at herself… for lying, again. She knew how she felt… she knew exactly how she felt. That wasn't the problem here – and judging from the look Esposito was giving her, he knew that she was lying too.
"I didn't ask you to share any of this information with me, Beckett. If you don't wanna talk about this, then we won't. But I don't want to be fed whatever stories it is you're feeding yourself, trying to convince yourself that you haven't royally fucked up."
The words came out like venom and he hadn't meant to be so harsh. He had hoped that some 'tough love' would push her through… but when he saw a tear slide down her cheek, he thought perhaps he had gone too far.
"I don't like this, Beckett." He continued, his voice softer now. "None of us do. You're torn up inside and we can all see it. You deserve to be at peace with the decision you're making… whatever they may be. Be with Castle… don't be with Castle… either way, you have all our support. But I know this isn't about you not knowing how you feel – not for a second. So whatever it is, figure it out. Whatever is tearing you up inside… only you can fix it."
She wiped her face with the back of her hand, refusing to look at Esposito. She could feel his eyes burning into her as he spoke… even more so now as they sat in silence. She wondered just how much she was comfortable telling him… or if he would even want to hear it. She would usually have these conversations with Lanie, but Esposito had been quite the comforting presence she had needed today… and she felt like she could talk to him.
"Montgomery's funeral." She muttered, "That was when he told me."
She turned to face Esposito – finally – confusion crossing his face.
"Beckett… that was, like, forever ago! Is that the problem? You think it's been too long?"
"No…" well, maybe that was a very small part of it.
"Then why is something from months ago causing problems now?"
She bit her lip, hard. "Because I lied. When he came to visit me in the hospital… I told him I couldn't remember anything…"
"Does he know you lied?"
She shook her head, no. He would hate her if he knew… that is if he didn't already hate her.
"Beckett… you're going to have to really spell this out for me – I am beyond lost right now." His brow was furrowed, trying to sort the facts into some sort of order. "he told you he loved you – I'm assuming before you got shot – then you told him you didn't remember anything… but you do… but he doesn't know that… so…?" He was really hoping she would fill in the blanks for him. Fill in the blanks. They were the words Castle had used earlier
"Don't worry about it, Espo. I shouldn't have said anything." She was defeated – life would be so much easier for her if people could just read her thoughts. Although; even her thoughts were messy and confusing these days. She really did hate how much she struggled with getting the words out – especially when it mattered most. "I'll fix this." She promised, reaching for the door handle.
Esposito exited the car, quickly heading to the trunk and retrieving her bag for her.
"I know I wasn't much help – but I'm here for you, okay. You're not alone… I promise." He gave her a hug, short and sweet but exactly what she needed. He waited by the car until she was inside.
It took just shy of 30 minutes to organise her ride back to New York City – giving her details, filling out the necessary paperwork, going through all the terms and conditions that came with hiring a car and, of course, the pre-rehearsed spiel covering exuberant one-way fees and insurance deposits. But, alas, just one hour after the disastrous morning with Castle, she was on her way home. She couldn't wait to be back in the comfort of her own home – safe from the world outside of those walls. There wasn't anywhere else she wanted to be right now.
