I wouldn't go out with you if it was a choice between you and the giant squid. The words of Lily Evans rang in James Potter's ears that night as he walked up the spiral staircases to the Gryffindor common room.
He couldn't possibly be as bad as Snivelly. I mean he joked around a bit and he had added a nasty amount of laxative potion to a jug of pumpkin juice on the Slytherin table last week but that was different to saying something as blatantly racist and disgusting as mudblood. Completely different. The word was practically medieval. At least among all the decent wizards that James knew. Of course, there were a few radicals who believed magic should be kept in one bloodline, but James had always been under the impression that they were their numbers were extremely small since the fall of Grindelwald.
The worst part of the afternoon had been the look on Lily's face. Her expression had not softened when she looked from Severus to him. As though they were equally rotten. Girls could be so pig-headed sometimes.
'Don't beat yourself up mate," declared Sirius when James gave a deflated sigh while pulling off his robes.
'Snivellus deserved it, the little git. It was the right thing to do.'
'I don't think Lily saw it that way Padfoot,' injected Remus. 'Perhaps not your best move Prongs, given the history between Severus and Lily.'
'Alice said that she didn't come down to dinner, spent the whole hour locked in Myrtle's bathroom,' added Peter unhelpfully.
'When have you ever spoken to a girl, Wormy?' asked Sirius.
'Well I didn't exactly speak to her, more overheard her say it in passing,' replied Wormtail.
'That's called eavesdropping,' corrected Remus.
'I also heard that Severus is waiting outside the portrait-hole to apologise,' added Peter, wanting to provide some value to the conversation without giving any direct advice on what should be done.
'Ha! Fat chance she accepts,' laughed Sirius.
'Oh, I don't know that I agree with you there Padfoot,' said Lupin. 'Lily and Severus have been friends a long time, grew up on the same street, there's a lot of history there.'
James' jaw tightened ever so slightly, but he continued to silently remove his robes, not trusting himself enough to speak without yelling. His friends waited for him to say something and then realising he wouldn't, Sirius asked a question that had long puzzled James.
'Why on earth would anyone choose to be friends with Snivelly for this long?'
James said nothing to this. He simply climbed into bed with a heavy feeling in his chest and a churning in his stomach, unrelated to the large portion of roast chicken he had consumed at dinner. He found it difficult to fall asleep that night as thoughts and then dreams of Lily forgiving Snape, and the verminous dislike in her eyes when she looked at him that afternoon, swam in his mind.
"I'm sorry," implored a guilty looking Severus Snape.
"Save your breath," answered Lily Evans, her green eyes flashing dangerously. It was quite clear that she had been crying recently as the rims were red and puffy.
Snape struggled to find the words to express the bitter regret that was currently eating him alive. He opened his mouth and then closed it again without speaking.
There was so much he wanted to say to her.
That James Potter was a prat. That he had been minding his own business after the exam. That Black and Potter needed to be taken down a peg or three. That he had never wanted to hurt her. That she had been his best and only friend. The only person he had ever actually told about his father. He wanted to tell her all this in words that would bring the characteristic warm smile he liked so much back to her face. This was like trying to get all his ideas down on the defence against the dark arts paper only so much worse.
Finally, after a long pause he stammered "I never meant to call you Mudblood, it just – "
"Slipped out?" Lily's voice was ice. He could see that she was close to tears again. He started to speak, to say that he would do anything for her, anything to make her forgive him but something in her hazel green eyes made him bite back his words.
They stood facing each other in a tense silence before Lily spoke.
"Look Sev, I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore. There's nothing more to say. I came out here to hear you out as a courtesy because of all our years of friendship. But you can't even apologise to me. Do you think so little of me that you think I could hang out with anyone who can treat a person like you've treated me? Sev, I'm done," and without so much as a glance back, she turned on her heel and made her way back through the portrait hole.
Severus stood in the corridor and watched her retreating back with an expression half of anger and half regret etched into his face. He stood in the corridor until some second years, a group of boys and girls reached the portrait hole.
"What are you doing up here, Snape?" one of the boys asked callously. "Found your way out of Slughorn's arse finally?"
"Nah, Patrick everyone knows the only reason he tries in Potions is to get into Evans' pants," another boy answered.
Snape drew his wand then. It would be good to let out some of his hurt on these gits.
At the sight of his wand the second years practically crawled over one another to get to the safety of the common room.
Severus Snape began striding away from the Gryffindor portrait hole, vowing silently to himself that he would win back Lily if it was the last thing he ever did.
Lily briefly told the other girls she wanted to be alone, as she past them on her way up to the dormitory. She curled up in her favourite part of the room, a cozy windowsill that looked out on the Whopping Willow, a tree named for the fact that attacked anyone who tried to go near it. For several minutes, she allowed the tears to run freely down her face again. She let herself fall into the ache of losing her best friend and the sting of his words. She knew that tomorrow, she would have to paint on a brave face and pretend that she wasn't hurting but, in these moments, she allowed herself to grieve what all the years of friendship had come to.
When Alice and Marlene trooped up the stairs an hour or so later, they assumed Lily was already asleep. The curtains surrounding her bed were closed and they could hear her breathing deeply. They exchanged worried looks, it wasn't as though they knew Lily well, but they had always found her a pleasant and deeply considerate roommate. The girls quietly got ready for bed, leaving Lily undisturbed.
Once she could hear the reassuring snores of her roommates Lily crept from her bed and down to the common room. She was relieved to find that it was empty and that she did not need to use her status as prefect to chase any rowdy third years to bed. Deciding she should occupy herself with something, she picked up a forgotten book from the table beside her. It was a 6th year potions book, her favourite subject and for several hours she lost herself in intricate recipes and procedures for brewing new and incredible potions. Lily felt her eyelids gradually growing heavier and heavier, and it was not until she was awoken by a gentle careful shake that she realised she had fallen asleep in a common room armchair.
Lily looked up blearily at the person standing over her and seeing that it was James Potter, she tried to snap her brain into focus and began self-consciously pulling her dressing gown closer to her chest.
'Alright Petal?' James said quietly.
'We are not on a nickname basis Potter,' Lily replied coldly
'Clearly not even on a first name basis, Evans,' James remarked coolly.
'Why are you out here so early?' Lily countered.
'Early morning flying practice.' James stifled a yawn.
Lily hated the way he always had an answer for everything. Nothing ever seemed to get to James Potter, it was as though he was immune to getting hurt.
'Look Evans, I just have to ask, you didn't forgive Snivel- I mean Snape, did you?'
'That's entirely none of your business Potter,' Lily replied.
Lily gave James her best poker face, she couldn't let him see how much she was hurting over Severus' racist remark.
'Well if that's how you feel then,' said James, equally trying very hard to keep his cool exterior from cracking. Feeling as though he wanted to say more but, James turned and left Lily sitting in the empty common room.
The end of year feast was a unusually glum event at the Gryffindor table. Lily tried to enjoy it, but every time she looked around at her classmates, she thought of the lonely summer that awaited her in Cokeworth. Without Sev, Petunia would be her only company. It wouldn't be the same. In previous summers, she and Sev had sat together at her kitchen table completing their summer essays or towards the end of the summer pouring over their new school books. None of that would be happening this summer. She would have no one with which to share her excitement over the following school year. No one to count the weeks and then days until the new school year began. It would be an awfully lonely summer.
James was equally dejected at the End of Year Feast. Despite, an attempt at fun - locking Mrs. Norris in a broom cupboard before the feast began, James couldn't laugh boisterously with Sirius about the cat almost succeeding in getting her claws into Peter's face. He found himself frequently glancing down the table trying to catch Lily's eye. She seemed to look everywhere and anywhere apart from at him. They had never been terribly close, James' frequent declarations of what can only be described as puppy love in their more junior years had prevented any substantial friendship from forming.
Summer began in a slow, dreary sort of way for Lily. The next day she journeyed home on the Hogwarts Express. There was a moment of awkwardness when her mother asked whether Sev would be riding home with them and Lily made a partially convincing attempt at lying, telling her that Sev was staying with a friend closer to London for the first few weeks of the holiday. She watched her mother's lips form a disbelieving line but thankfully at that moment Petunia complained that everyone was staring at Lily's weirdo trunk and their mother hastily ushered the little party off the platform before a fight broke out between her two daughters.
As Lily had predicted a summer at home without Severus was dreadfully dull. The area of Cokeworth was mostly older retires or families with much younger children, and Petunia, the only company besides Severus, wasted no time in informing Lily on the car ride home that she would have very little time to spend with her now that she had a boyfriend.
'A boyfriend?' Lily said, her surprise colouring her voice.
'Yes,' replied Petunia matter of factly, as though there was nothing remotely surprising about this statement.
'But when did this happen?' Lily pressed for details, in her mind Petunia had always seemed like the type of girl that ended up living alone with several cats. Certainly not the boyfriend type.
'Just a few weeks before your semester ended at that school. Don't look at me like I've just told you I'm moving to Egypt. It's not that unbelievable!'
'I'm sorry,' Lily stammered out, trying to compose her face into one that reflected the happiness and excitement that she knew she should feel for her older sister.
Petunia's eyes narrowed ever so slightly as she surveyed her younger sister. As she turned away to stare broodingly out the window, Lily grabbed at her hand.
'Tuney, I am sorry really I am. That's the most wonderful news. When do I get to meet the lucky boy in question? Is he coming over for dinner soon?'
Petunia sniffed and then smiled 'Yes, he wants to meet you but you have to promise me no funny business, okay? He doesn't know about your little issue.' She said the last word with such a weight as to make it clear that she did not think that the issue, in question was remotely little.
'I've told you a million times Tuney, we aren't allowed to use magic outside of school.'
'No Lily. You don't understand, you have to promise. He's just too normal to ever understand, and I… I really like him okay?'
'I promise, no funny business, Scots honour.' Lily raised her hand in the mock salute that they had learned in childhood, and for the first time since meeting on the train platform almost an hour ago the two sisters really smiled at each other.
