Here's part 2! Enjoy and let me know what you think!
Rukia awkwardly sat on the bed. She watched as a flustered Kaien frantically apologized over and over.
After Kaien had confessed his feeling for Rukia, she was - to say the least - left speechless. While she processed everything that had happened, they decided to find a place to stay in while they waited out the storm.
Once they had gotten into the room, things got…intense.
Rukia blushed as she thought about the passionate kisses they had exchanged. While there had been a small piece of her that was frightened at how serious things had gotten between the two so suddenly, she mostly felt… Well, she didn't know exactly what she had felt. It was a mixture of so many emotions. But overall, she felt right. She felt comfortable.
Her light blush intensified when she thought back to when Kaien had taken off the top half of his shihakusho. Rukia had thought that she was ready for whatever came after.
But when Kaien had bagan to untie the sash that held her shihakusho closed, her anxieties took over once again.
This would be her first time. Was she ready?
Would she be able to satisfy him?
He's had sex before, while she was inexperienced.
Her poor racing heart skipped a beat. What if she does something embarrassing? Or what if it's not good?
When Kaien started pushing the top half of her shihakusho back, she knew that she wasn't ready for this.
"Wait, Kaien-dono!" she cried. She hastily pulled her shihakusho closed.
Kaien pulled back from her, confused. "What's wrong, Kuchiki?"
Her bright red face cranked to the side so that she wouldn't have to look Kaien in the eyes. "U-um, well, y-you see," she stammered sheepishly. "This is my first time, and I thought I was ready. But I don't think I am." Rukia gulped. "I'm sorry…"
An awkward silence settled between the two.
The young girl couldn't take the silence anymore. She slowly turned around to look at his face. He's probably annoyed with me, she thought. But to her surprise, the lieutenant was just staring at her with a shocked expression. His face suddenly turned as bright as hers had been a few seconds ago. He clumsily slapped a hand over his eyes and went to get off from on top of her. Because of his haste and his lack of vision, Kaien had ended up rolling off of the bed and onto the ground.
He got up, his eyes still shut tightly, and started spewing his apology over and over. Kaien yanked the covers on the bed and threw them over a baffled Rukia.
He had been so confident just a moment ago. And now, he was as red and as jittery as she had been.
Rukia peaked from under the covers to see her lieutenant, who still had his eyes shut, bowing over and over as he continued to apologize.
She suddenly started giggling.
Her sudden laughter caught Kaien off guard.
"Sorry, Rukia. I didn't mean to rush you into anything. If I had known you still haven't had your first… Anyway, I'm really sorry."
Rukia's heart fluttered. She always knew that her lieutenant was a kind man. But she never knew he could be so sweet, so understanding, so…clumsy.
The thought of Miyako suddenly popped into her mind. Miyako had probably seen this side of him too many times to count.
Kaien noticed the frown that took over her face. His short-lived relief disappeared. "What's wrong?"
"Miyako…"
That was all Rukia managed to say before the weight of what they had been doing became too much for her. It was as if saying it out loud finally made her understand. She had betrayed Miyako in the worst way possible.
The knot in Rukia's throat made it difficult to choke back the sobs she was trying desperately to keep back. Her watery eyes threatened to allow her tears to spill.
Kaien looked at Rukia. He couldn't believe it.
"Rukia, I told you already. You don't have to worry about Miyako."
Rukia flinched at the sound of that name. The image of a heartbroken Miyako popped into her head. Rukia couldn't bear it. If Miyako ever found out…
"Kaien-dono, she's your wife and my superior. Not just that. She has treated me so kindly all these years. She's gone out of her way countless times just for my sake. It's a debt I could never repay. And look at what I've done!"
"Rukia, stop that."
He got up and onto the bed. He wrapped his strong arms around the small girl and the thick covers he had previously thrown over her. He held her tight.
Kaien's furrowed brows began to relax. He couldn't believe that after years of only dreaming of holding her like that, it was finally coming true.
Once he saw that Rukia was a little calmer, Kaien said, "I know that you care very much for Miyako. And I'm sorry for putting you in a position where you feel like you've done something wrong. I forgot how big your heart is. And I forgot how easy it is for you to blame yourself for things that are not your fault. This is none of your fault, Rukia. All of this is my fault, and only mine. I was the one who got married and couldn't keep the promises that I had made. You made no promise to anyone. What I did was wrong-"
"But I am also to blame! I knew that you were married and-"
"No, Rukia. I am the one who's married. I'm the one who started to kiss you. I'm the one who wanted to tell you that I was in love with you. The only decision you made was whether or not you would allow yourself to feel what you feel for did nothing wrong. I'm the cheater. I made the decision to take off my ring and do what I said I'd never do. It was my decision and mine alone. And I wouldn't change that decision. I know that what I did was wrong, but I don't regret it."
"Kaien-dono, I don't understand."
"What? That I don't regret this you mean?"
She nodded.
He signed. "How do I explain this? You see, when Miyako and I got married, we were very young. At the time, I knew I loved her. And I think I still do. But the thing is, I was young. I loved Miyako the way I knew how to love back then. But over the years, we've grown and learned a lot. We both changed, which isn't a bad thing. But I still love her the same way as I used to. Which I have come to realize isn't love love."
Rukia gave him a look.
Kaien chuckled. "You're still too young to understand, I see." He ruffled her hair. "You know how some people say that when you're young, you don't know what love is? Well those people are full of shit. I think that everyone knows love no matter who they are or how old they are. But as we mature, how we love changes along with us.
"You want to hear something Captain Ukitake told me? He said that in our lives, we will have three great loves. The first one happens when you are young. It's your first love and you are so young, so you have no idea what you're doing. What you feel is like nothing you've ever felt before, so you tell yourself that it's love. But how can you be so sure? Well, it is love. But it's love as you knew it when you were young and you had no idea what it really meant. But nevertheless, it was real.
"Then comes the second. This one is the hardest love of them all. By now you are older, but not very much wiser. So this love forces you to learn. Almost every time, the lessons are painful. I think it's the timing of the second love that makes it that way. It happens when love can't be the only thing you have to focus on. This is around the time you have to start figuring out who you are and what you want your future to be like. We start to make plans for yourselves, and one of two things happens. Those plans - the ones you so desperately wanted to come true - don't come true and you have to change them. Or maybe your plans are working out, but the person you love wants something different. You are either hurt because your dreams were crushed, or you're hurt because the person you loved crushed them for you. The pain of life and love are so hard to handle. Oftentimes, this second love leaves you damaged.
"Finally, there is the third love. This one is said to be the easiest. By easy, I don't mean that there won't be any problems. What I mean is that now you have your plans, but you also have the lessons you've learned. Those lessons help you be not just a better person, but a better person to love. Does all of this make sense?"
With wide eyes, Rukia nodded.
Kaien smiled tenderly at the young girl in his arms. The way her big eyes stared up at him and how her mouth was ever so slightly open in awe at his words made him feel… He didn't think there was a word capable to describe just how he felt. "Happy" didn't even begin to cover it.
"I think that Miyako was my second love. I think that, when we fell in love, I was too young and immature to notice certain things."
"Things? Things like what?"
"Miyako and I are so different, but at the same time we are so much alike. We want different things and our similar personalities clash. We are both stubborn and proud. Sadly, neither of us ever learned how to compromise or how to humble ourselves. Because of this, finding a solution to any of our problems was impossible. We never compromised. And rarely, one of us would stop fighting for what we wanted and let the other have their way. We used to think it worked best that way. But we've come to find out that we were fooling ourselves.
"Recently, there was something that we fought back and forth about. Miyako wanted one thing, and I wanted another. For years, we went back and forth about what to do. Finally, Miyako settled for what I wanted."
Rukia was surprised to feel his trembling arms wrap tighter around her. She turned to look at Kaien to see so much pain in his eyes.
"But it was too late. Because of our pride, neither of us ended up getting what we wanted. It's taken me a long time to notice the amount of pain we've caused each other over the years. And now our marriage is…" He sighed.
Rukia had never seen Kaien this sad. She hated it.
"Kaien-dono, I'm so sorry. I didn't know you were going through all of this. I wish..." Rukia sat up. She shrugged off the covers and turned around to face Kaien. She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. "I wish that there was something I could do to help you."
Kaien was shocked. He sat there for a moment, unable to do anything.
The feeling of her little arms around him…
His pain wasn't gone, but it suddenly became a little more bearable.
Kaien wrapped his arms around Rukia and pulled her as close to him as he possibly could. He nuzzled his face into her neck and took a deep breath. After letting himself enjoy the moment a little longer, he pulled away from Rukia and looked her in the eyes.
There it was again. That feeling that only Rukia could give him.
He wiped away a stray tear that was rolling down Rukia's cheek and smiled. He brought both of his hands up to caress her cheeks.
"Rukia, I've always liked you. From the moment I met you, I knew that there was something about you. I never knew what it was. But as I got to know you more, I started feeling something that I had never felt before. It took me so long to realise. It took even longer to accept it. Rukia, what I feel for you is love. You are my third love. I didn't know that it was love because I thought I already knew what love was. I thought love was what I felt for Miyako. But that was the love I knew before. You are the love - the true love - that I know now."
"Kaien…?" she whispered in disbelief. Rukia didn't know what to say. Her heart was fluttering with so much joy that it almost hurt.
"Rukia, I love you!"
The following morning
"Are you sure this is ok?"
"Come on, Rukia. Relax a little. There's a festival going on! I think this is a reward given to us for a job well done on our training. We can't just leave without enjoying it!"
"But won't they worry back at the 13th?"
Kaien smiled and ruffled Rukia's hair. "Don't worry about a thing. It's fine. We'll be back soon enough. Let's just enjoy ourselves for a bit."
Rukia reluctantly agreed. And it was a good thing she had. She ended up enjoying every moment. The villagers, the lights, the stands, everything about the festival made her so happy. The two had spent hours playing games, eating food, and talking with the villagers. It had been the most fun Rukia had had in such a long time. Things were never like this back at the Kuchiki Manor…
"I did it!" Rukia cheered. She had won at one of the games. What she was happiest about was that she had finally beaten Kaien.
Kaien pouted. "Yeah, only 'cuz I let you win!"
She smirked.
"Young miss, you can choose out a prize!" the man at the stand said.
Rukia's eyes lit up. She looked through all of the prizes carefully. She finally pointed one out and the man at the stand grabbed it for her. He handed her a small octopus plushie. It was teal and it wore a top hat and monocle. She thanked the man before turning to Kaien, the biggest smile covering her face.
The proud lieutenant was still pouting. Though, he would be lying if he said that that smile hadn't taken his breath away.
When she was in front of him, she handed him the octopus she had won. The pout was instantly gone.
"What?" he asked as he eyed the plushie.
"It's for you. Take it."
"For me?" he asked as he took it. "Why? Don't you love these kinds of things?"
She nodded. "I do. But this one reminded me of you, so I wanted you to have it."
Kaien eyed the octopus again. How does this silly thing remind her of me? he wondered.
As if she had read his mind, she said, "Your zanpakuto. It's a water type. So when I saw the octopus, it reminded me of you." She giggled. "Also the monocle and top hat are very fancy. So it's like a noble octopus. Like you," she added.
"Noble...octopus...huh? That's what you think of me?"
Kaien didn't miss the sad look that crossed Rukia's face. He panicked.
"Don't be sad! I'm sorry, Rukia! I love it! I really do!" he cried.
She smiled one of those sad smiles that she always did when she tried to hide her emotions. "It's not that. I know you don't care for plushies, and that's fine. It's just that I wanted to give you something before we left. Because once we're back, everything will be like before."
Her words rang in his mind.
Everything will be like before.
A feeling Kaien was all too familiar with washed over him. He felt his heart sink. It sank like it had a few weeks ago, on the day his wife had admitted to her infidelity.
He shook his head. He didn't know what life had in store for them once they returned to the Soul Society. But he could worry about that later. Right now, there was something much more important to do than worrying about the uncertain. There was one thing that was certain, and that was his feelings for the girl before him. He didn't know what was to come, but he did know that they had today.
Kaien grabbed the girl by the hand and started walking.
"Kaien-dono?" the young girl said out of habit.
"Come on, Rukia. I don't know how things will be once we're back. But I do know that we were having such a good time, and I want to continue having a good time with you for as long as I can."
Rukia could only marvel in awe at the brave man before her.
They had spent the rest of the night playing more games and eating a lot of good food. It was a night that could only be described as magical. Neither of them could remember the last time they had laughed so much or the last time that they had felt so happy.
At one point, the little girl from the night before had seen the two and called out for Rukia. Rukia had smiled a huge smile and waved. Kaien had a different idea. He had grabbed Rukia by the waist, pulled her close, and gave the little girl a thumbs up and a cheesy wink. The little girl smirked and gave him a thumbs up back. When Kaien had seen how red Rukia's face had turned, he couldn't help but laugh.
It was very late at night when the two finally returned to their room at the inn. Instead of going to sleep, they stayed up the rest of the night talking. At first they talked about the festival, then about training, then about the 13th Division.
And then things got serious.
"Miyako-dono cheated on you?" Rukia couldn't believe it. The image of the beautiful and graceful third seat flashed into her mind.
She knew her lieutenant would never lie about such a thing. And when Rukia had seen his eyes after he let out the truth...she felt her own heart breaking for him.
"I'm so sorry, Kaien-dono."
He shook his head. "There's nothing for you to be sorry about. I knew that Miyako was unhappy. It's my own fault for ignoring the signs and letting it get so bad."
"What do you mean?"
"Years ago, Miyako had told me that she wanted to start a family. I had wanted to as well. But we both had different ideas of what having kids should be like. Miyako wanted both of us to resign and just live the rest of our lives as boring nobles. She said our positions in the Gotei 13 put us at constant risk and that our children deserved to grow up with both parents. I knew she wasn't wrong. And I wanted a family so badly. I just didn't see why we had to leave our lives as shinigami. I told her that I wouldn't resign. I had worked too hard to just give that up. I told her that I'd take a leave of absence to help her once we had a child, but she wouldn't listen. Miyako thought if she waited a little longer, I'd somehow just change my mind.
"It took her a few years, but she finally realized I wasn't going to change my mind. She settled for me taking a leave of absence once our child was born. She was going to step down as the third seat as soon as she got pregnant.
"And so we started trying, but the weeks went by and she couldn't get pregnant. We went to the Fourth to ask about starting a fertility treatment. That was when we found out that Miyako was no longer able to have children. We were both devastated. She wasn't even old! We both thought we had time, but...we were wrong.
"Miyako became depressed. And I didn't blame her. I couldn't begin to imagine what it felt like. Miyako had always wanted to be a mother. She dreamed of it. And yet her body wouldn't allow her to become one.
"I tried being supportive. I gave her space. I gave her time. I did everything I could to help her cope. But her grief turned into hate, and all that hate was for me. She blamed me. Miyako said that if I hadn't made her wait so long that she would have had time to have a child. I knew she was hurting, so I took the blame. But even that didn't make her feel better. She would never forget what she had lost. She let the sadness and anger change her. She was no longer the person I knew. When we were around people, she put on the mask of who she was before. But when we were alone, the mask came off.
"At first, I just let her. I let her be cruel. I let her blame me. I let her bully me. But I could only take so much. She couldn't see that I was hurting too. I also wanted to be a parent. I know that my pain was not the same at hers. But that didn't make my pain any less real. I stopped being her scapegoat, hoping it would snap her out of it. But it only made things worse. We just argued and argued all the time.
"I knew my marriage was falling apart. I didn't want that. So I did what I could to appease Miyako. That included continuing to try to get pregnant even though we both knew it was impossible. For a while though, I thought it was working. She was becoming less angry and more like herself. But no matter how many times we tried, the results never changed. Instead of helping, it was starting to make things worse.
"But then out of nowhere, everything was back to normal. Miyako was less angry. She stopped making us try for a baby. She was almost normal. I thought it was because she was more focused on her duties. She was staying extra hours in the office and taking on more missions."
Kaien scoffed. "I don't know if I was really that stupid or if I just wanted to believe things were finally back to normal. I can't believe it took me so long to notice."
Rukia looked at Kaien as he glared intensely at the ceiling. He was scowling. Even though he was furious, his eyes betrayed him. Rukia could see the tears pooling in his eyes.
"To notice what?" she finally asked. "T-That she was cheating on you?"
He nodded. "I started noticing how she wouldn't be in her office when she said she was at work. And all the times she said she was on missions," he said through his gritted teeth. "I checked. There were never any missions she was assigned to. And when I confronted her about it...I thought that she'd apologize. I thought that she'd say that it was all a big mistake that she made in a time of vulnerability. But she just shrugged her shoulders as if I was overreacting! She didn't even look sorry!"
It was so easy to see the pain that had been weighing down on Kaien. It was so much pain that Rukia could feel a tug on her heart strings as she tried to understand. If trying to understand hurt her that much, she didn't want to know what it felt like to actually know that kind of pain.
Kaien took a breath before turning to look at Rukia. "Last night, you didn't understand why I didn't feel bad for doing what we did. This is why. I kept my promises to Miyako. I was there for her when she was depressed. I was there for her when she was furious. I did everything I could think of to try to help her. I let her blame me. I sucked up my pride and apologized for something that wasn't my fault. But when I felt sad and alone, I never once cheated! When I was at my worst, I never gave into temptation. There were so many times when I saw you, Rukia, and all I could think about was how badly I wanted you. Just being near you made me so happy. I wanted to know so badly how much happier I could have been if you were mine. For so long, I thought about holding you and kissing you like I did last night. I had so many opportunities where I could have done just that. But I stopped myself each time because I had made a promise. Miyako showed me that those promises meant nothing."
Rukia was left speechless. What was she supposed to say? What could she possibly do to make Kaien hurt any less?
Kaien was looking so intently into her eyes. She panicked, which made the older man chuckle.
"Oh, Rukia," he mused.
Rukia's heart skipped a beat. She felt a blush start to cover her cheeks. "W-What is it?"
"Nothing," he said as he brought his hand up to caress her cheek. His thumb gently massaged her pink cheek.
"N-Nothing?" she nervously repeated.
He smiled a kind and warm smile. His thumb stopped massaging her cheek and moved to her lips. He slowly traced over her bottom lip. "I'm just so happy."
He saw her confused eyes.
"I'm so happy that one good thing came out of such a big mess."
Kaien leaned in, but stopped when he was just millimeters away from Rukia's lips.
"Can I kiss you?" he whispered.
She nodded, too dazed to muster up any words.
He finally closed the space between them to give her a small, innocent kiss. Rukia felt him smile against her lips. She looked at him.
"I love you, Rukia."
Matsumoto stared at the girl sitting in front of her intently. Rarely was the older woman left speechless. And now was one of the worst times to be at a loss for words.
Finally, Matsumoto came up with, "So, Miyako Shiba had been sleeping with another man?"
Rukia nodded.
"And you and Kaien were only together that one time?" That didn't sound that bad.
The younger girl gulped. "We ended up staying in the Third District for two more days. And we didn't stop seeing each other once we got back."
Tears once again started streaming down Rukia's face. "We found any excuse to see each other. We trained together. We did paperwork together. I would stay later than usual at the 13th's barracks just to sit with him in his office. I knew that it was wrong and that I should have ended it. But I couldn't. And one day, I thought my sins had finally caught up to me."
Matsumoto looked at her friend. "What do you mean, Rukia-chan?"
"Do you remember the story I told you about the time Aia had pushed me into the river?"
"Yeah… She could've killed you."
Rukia nodded. "Remember how she tried saying I attacked her with my zanpakuto? But Nii-sama found out that she was lying because I had left my zanpakuto in Kaien-dono's office after training with him. W-Well the truth is we hadn't been training at all that day," Rukia admitted shamefully.
Matsumoto felt tears forming in her own eyes at the sight of her friend before her. How could someone so little be holding in that much pain?
"When Aia pushed me into the river, I did hit my head. But not enough to lose consciousness. I could have managed to get out, but I didn't. I thought that was my karma. I thought that was my punishment for being with Kaien-dono. I thought that it was time for me to pay for what I'd done."
"Rukia-chan!" Matsumoto gasped, her eyes wide. She pulled the shaking girl into a hug. "You made a mistake. But it was just that, a mistake!"
The younger girl shook her head. With quivering lips, she said, "It was a terrible thing to do. I-"
"Rukia-chan, listen to me. You made a mistake. But it wasn't out of ill will. You truly loved Kaien, and he truly loved you. He didn't cheat on Miyako to get back at her, and you didn't sleep with him with the intention of hurting Miyako. You two being together and loving each other wasn't a mistake, nor was it wrong. What made it 'wrong' was the timing and circumstances. Had you two met before he was married, things could have been different.
"Don't hate yourself for being a normal soul with feelings and flaws. It's just our nature. We're going to mess up one way or another. We can't put ourselves down for that; it's not our fault. We can try and try to ignore our heart that's pushing and pushing for us to fulfill its desires. We can try like hell. But the heart doesn't care what's necessarily 'right' or 'wrong.' The heart wants what it wants."
Matsumoto made the crying girl look her in the eye. "Rukia-chan, please. Don't hate yourself for allowing your heart to be happy. Don't hate yourself for making a mistake. A mistake is a lesson that must be learned. It isn't a life sentence."
That had done it. Every last bit of self control Rukia had was now out the window. All the tears poured from her eyes and all the sobs she had been holding back were finally allowed to come out.
Without a second of hesitation, Matsumoto pulled her friend into a hug. She held the girl tightly so that Rukia would know that she wasn't alone.
This was good, Matsumoto told herself. The two had been friends for quite a while now. They knew each other quite well and trusted one another immensely.
Matsumoto knew Rukia well enough to know that the young girl rarely showed her emotions. Whatever was on Rukia's mind stayed there. If she wanted to tell you something, she didn't. If she needed help, she never asked for it. If she was sad, she never let you know. Matsumoto thought that would change once she gained enough of Rukia's trust. And that was somewhat true. Rukia had started opening up more to Matsumoto and sharing more than she had when they first became friends. But the facts remained the same. There was so much going on in Rukia's head, and she only ever let Matsumoto have the smallest glimpse of it.
It was good that Toshiro had brought Rukia to her. Matsumoto knew that it must have been so hard for Rukia to let Toshiro bring her there. She knew that it must have been almost impossible to talk about such a personal and dark secret.
It was good. But it wasn't easy. Seeing someone so strong and courageous break down into tears like this…
After a while longer, Rukia could finally feel the weight on her chest begin to lessen and she began to calm down. She took a deep, shaky breath and wiped her eyes.
She looked down to the floor. "Sorry…"
"Stop that, Rukia-chan!" Matsumoto gently scolded. "There's nothing to be sorry about."
Rukia couldn't help but smile. She took a moment to wonder how in the world she had been lucky enough to have such an amazing friend. Matsumoto was someone that always, always found a way to make the worst situations at least a little better.
"So," Matsumoto said, breaking the silence. "What happened that brought all of this up?"
Rukia sighed. "That is another long, long story. But we should get some sleep." Rukia looked over at the clock. How had it gotten so late?
"I understand that, and we will. But that can wait! First, you have to tell me what happened! What shook you up bad enough that you started thinking about all of this?"
"How much time do you have?"
Matsumoto smirked. "Captain never expects me to actually show up at the office on time."
Rukia shook her head and playfully rolled her eyes. It was just like Matsumoto to drop and forget about everything for Rukia's sake.
"Do you remember the trainees I've been telling you about? Ran and Aiko…?"
This story has a lot of personal topics and circumstances from my life and from the lives of those I love. That includes important lessons I've learned these past few years. Learning and accepting that the mistakes I've made in the past don't define me was one of the hardest lessons I've learned and it's taken a long time to actually believe that. I know there are a lot of people who struggle believing that as well so I just want you to know that it is 100% true for everyone, including you :')
Sorry for getting a little sappy there but I know there are people who need to be reminded of that
Thanks for reading, reviewing, favoriting, and following! The next chapter will be up hopefully before the end of the week. If you love tea, then you're going to LOVE the next chapter... I hope so anyway :)
