Because this song will not leave me alone.
Tonight, you're torn between excitement and dread. Excitement because it's your last night in this god forsaken town and dread because...well, you'll find out soon enough.
Taking a deep breath, you look yourself over in the mirror one more time. Silently patting yourself on the back for going with the red dress.
Blue never was your color anyways… It was hers…..but every color was, wasn't it?
"Santana, are you okay?" She asks, breaking your focus, cautiously standing in the doorway. Making eye contact, she approaches wrapping her arms around your waist. Your eyes water and you nod, plastering the smile you've now perfected. You give her the same lie you've given everyone for the past year.
"I'm fine"
Truth is, she would do anything for you but that only makes you feel guilty. And if the person standing beside you is so perfect, why do you still wish she was someone else?
The car ride is silent as memories flood your mind. What are you even doing here? You're not in love with her, you haven't been since freshman year of high school. You know it, hell even she knows it but she's here and Quinn isn't and you think maybe that's why you stay. Looking over to the passenger side, she stares out the window. All you see is blonde hair, down and curled.
It brings a soft smile to your face not because it's her but because it was Quinn who taught her how to curl her hair in high school.
That snaps you back.
You had the best four years of your life with Quinn. What started as two single women sad and alone at a failed wedding ended with you both finding solace in eachothers arms. For you it was mind blowing, an earth shattering, life changing moment. Hidden away from the world, the moonlight gave you both an incredible backdrop. Quinn's presence was all consuming, promises of seeing where this could go once you were both free from this town, falling from her lips over and over again.
Quinn tried her best, she really did. But with Russell Fabray constantly in the back of her mind, you should have known it wouldn't last. You naively thought maybe this time she'd be able to put it aside because it was you, it was Quinn and Santana. The first three years rolled by but that last one? That's when, she cracked.
Russell had sunk his claws in too deep and won.
A heartbreaking break up in Quinn's childhood bedroom led to a long devastating walk back to your parents house.
You eventually moved to New York and she stayed in Lima. You became recluse, refusing to speak to anyone about what had happened back in Lima. A year later a ray of sunshine peaked through the clouds. A piece of your past was moving to New York, just not the one you expected. She had just signed a contract for a prestigious dance company and without hesitation, you offered her the spare bedroom in your loft until she got back on her feet, how could you not?
She did always have a way of lowering your defenses didn't she? Maybe it was her sweet innocence or maybe it was her pure heart? Whatever it was, the ice had begun slowly melting around your cold heart and before you knew it, the two of you were once again…..dating.
You pull into the lively venue and tightly grip the steering wheel. Noticing the white in your knuckles, the blonde to your right gently places her hand on your shaking arm, assuring you that everything will be okay. Knowing she'll never understand and not wanting to fight, tonight of all nights, you nod and allow her to lead you inside, where you'll both spend the evening catching up with friends old and new before taking your seats.
.
.
A few hours pass and now you watch the woman of your dreams, the who owns every piece of your heart, dance around. Wrapped up in strong arms that aren't yours. Quinn appears at ease and carefree to the naked eye but you see right through the facade, you always have. You decide to test your theory and are proven right because no matter how many times you change seats and no matter how many times she tries to hide it, you never miss the way her beautiful hazel eyes scan the room, looking for you.
With everyone having their own conversations, Rachel leans in "She's moving to New York in the fall" Your attention shifts from the dance floor towards your once sworn enemy now turned friend and you smile. Trying not to let her words affect you because let's be honest, disappointment has always had a way of following you but you don't think you'll survive losing her again.
Turning your attention back towards the dance floor, your mind wonders. Your date notices you slipping away and instead asks you to dance. As you begin to sway, her hold around your waist, tightens. She's attempting to pull your focus back and as much as you appreciate the gesture, it bothers you because this is not the way you like to be held, at least not anymore. She's always been a very well trained and meticulous dancer and there are no playful unplanned movements, only precision.
You've said time and time again that you've moved on but tonight serves as a painful reminder that you're only passing time in someone else's arms.
It's all becoming too much now, the floodgates are open.
Her perfume is wrong, the dress she's wearing isn't a sundress and although it's curled, her blonde hair isn't shoulder length and choppy. You pull away slightly and the sad, crushed look on your date's face makes your heart ache. She doesn't deserve this, not when you've always been her first choice. And you won't be the cause of her pain so you shake your thoughts and lie again but this time you make sure to give her one truth, you tell her just how beautiful she looks tonight.
She might not be your Quinn but you've always been her Santana.
It always comes back to this, how could it not? Quinn knew exactly how you liked to be held. She fit perfectly in your arms and would always let you lead, not because you loved it but because she loved messing up your concentration. On the off time that it didn't work, she would resort to plan b and playfully squeeze your waist while biting her lip causing your eyes to roll in mock annoyance. Her small victory giggles effortlessly broke down each and every one of your walls instantly, everytime and without fail.
Whether she knew it or not she was ruining you for anyone else, forever.
A small smile makes its way across your lips as the spotlight hits because for a moment, a second even, you're rewarded with a small glimpse.
When you were stuck in your head Quinn was a breath of fresh air and you can't remember the last time you've inhaled so deeply
You start slipping slowly and it only solidifies deeper that blue will never be hazel. You allow yourself this rare moment because you can't remember the last time you've felt…anything.
Swallowing the lump in your throat, you stare deep into those beautiful blue eyes trying to feel something.
.
.
.
.
Valentino's Donna Born In Roma, invades your senses and without a second thought your neck snaps to the left.
Time stands still.
There she is.
Quinn.
Only now She's so close you could reach out and touch her but if you do, your heart may just burst.
She looks absolutely amazing.
Quinn sways effortlessly in that powder blue strapless dress and you wonder if that's the same dress she would have chosen if……..
He leans in, whispering into her ear and she smiles, but it's not the smile that was always on display when she was with you, no. This one is the famous Fabray, well mannered smile and although it makes your heart ache, you find solace in the fact that maybe, just maybe the real one is still and only reserved for you.
The tall, perfect ken doll, turns them and now her eyes lock with yours. Quinn's grip tightens against the young man's shoulder, tears fill her beautiful hazel eyes and all of a sudden you're sitting in the back of Gianni's laughing uncontrollably as Quinn licks the reminits of ice cream off your chin...
She tilts her head slightly, offering the saddest and bravest smile she can muster in a room full of people. You wonder if when she starts slipping away, is it you she finds?
A tear slowly slides down her perfect cheek and the way she stares makes you think maybe she's caught a glimpse of her own, a glimpse of how things were.
Reality hits and you remember where you're at. Shaking your head once again reminding yourself that if things were different, neither of you would be in other peoples arms. So, you each turn your attention back to the people, who on paper, are in every way, absolutely perfect for you. Both knowing they'll never compare.
You exhale, sadly ready to accept your fate but then something pulls your attention back, one more time...
The light hits those beautiful hazel eyes, lighting them up and the smile you haven't seen in a year, spreads across her perfect face. Her lips part for just one second as she mouths something, something only meant for you. Without a second thought you nod and smile.
Your very own glimpse…
Even though Quinn might not be in your arms, it doesn't mean she won't ever be again and maybe tonight isn't about glimpses of what was lost but what can still be. Maybe it's about hope and hope is enough, enough to carry you through.
A glimpse...Of us
