Chapter 2: One Step Closer

Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, the song 'Undisclosed Desires' by Muse, or the song 'One Step Closer' by Linkin Park.

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Undisclosed Desires

Chapter Two - One Step Closer

I repeated my mantra, desperately trying to unhinge a strain in my back as I said the words.

Focus on your breath, in and out, I told myself, feel your chest rise and fall. Peace be with me.

The rising sun shone brightly across the gleaming water, the warmth seeping into my skin. The morning chill blew lightly, lifting strands of stray hair away from my face, and exposing it to the brilliant sun.

"Azarath Metrion Zinthos."

These words often sent a wave of tranquility through my bones, undoing the knots of previous stresses and healing my bruises and physical discomforts. Instead, my body grew tense and achy, bruises still very much there. My mind felt flayed and disarrayed, exactly how I must have looked; tired, edgy, crazed. I felt I might as well have endured physical and mental torture by the hands of Trigon himself, and I'd probably feel better than I did at this moment. Insomnia is its own unique realm of hell.

My jaw tightened as a migraine formed at the base of my skull, twisting and pinching its way down my spine.

I blew out a strained breath, "Azarath Metrion Zinthos."

My eyes snapped open as my hands molded into fists. The migraine had inched its way to my shoulders, twinging between my shoulder blades. It was no use, there's just too much for me to be able to focus.

I closed my eyes briefly, took one deep breath, and I let myself slowly drift toward the ground in a huff, landing crossed legged on the cool cement below me, rubbing my temples with my fingertips. I laughed mockingly to myself, but the motion caused a funny discomfort in my spine I wasn't prepared for, so I stopped.

The roof had always been my sanctuary, second to my room, but I frankly should have known that it couldn't help now. I suppose that would teach me to hope from now on, but even I knew that couldn't ever stop me.

"Hey." I felt a jolt of surprise, but I calmed as I recognized the voice of Robin instantly.

My mood abruptly turned sour. Ever since the breakup - as cliché as that sounds - my powers began to behave almost erratic, or maybe chaotic is a better term. The chaotic whirlwind of heartbreak, sadness, guilt, confusion, anger, pain, it all seemed to be too much for little ol' me.

Because of the lack of balance and the emotional uproar, I had trouble sensing people now. I often awoke in the middle of the night either sobbing or violently angry. My focus - my center - felt clouded, and ultimately caused my energy to lash out at the strangest times. My ability to meditate to regain what little control I had vanished faster than Beast Boy devouring a bowl of tofu ice cream. I spent hours researching why this was happening, and then spent several days and nights pouring over book after book. Nothing, and it seemed to get worse the closer Robin and Starfire were near me.

My normally deadpanned voice had taken an unreasonably sharp tone since the breakup. And mostly whenever Robin was within a 5-foot radius of me, I tried harder to pretend it wasn't there.

"Hey." I responded to Robin after a moment, keeping perfectly still as I rubbed my temples harder.

Although every time I hear my own cutting voice speak around him, an avalanche of guilt crashes and festers in my stomach. Get over it! My anger responded promptly, ridding itself of the nauseating emotion.

"You alright?" Robin asked, his voice sounded a bit away from me. As if he might still be standing by the door, I guessed.

Another significant pause while I fought with my anger, slow deep breaths helped tame it.

"Not even the slightest." My eyes remained closed as I responded, but I felt myself flinch at the biting tone.

Again, I felt the guilt crush me and settle in my stomach. It was beginning to be quite the cycle, like a reoccurring nightmare that refused to yield as it began haunting your days too.

I felt my eyes begin to water, and I blinked them away viciously before a tear could fall. Get a grip on yourself! Anger shouted at me.

It was silent for a few moments before Robin finally spoke.

"I'm so sorry Raven. I wish I could make this easy for you."

I took a deep breath before I rubbed my temples again, "No, it's not you. It's just everything. I am exhausted."

My voice retained an accusatory edge, but I tried to lessen the bitterness.

"I'm sorry." He repeated solemn.

I squirmed under his gaze, finally meeting it after his apology.

He seemed tired, his normally glowing skin looked pale and dehydrated. His hair, frankly, looked better than usual. Clad in his usual red and green suit, and cape, he looked strong but empty.

It felt strange seeing him physically, and not being able to reach out empathically to feel his presence. A type of blindness that felt like a vice grip on my center, leaving me to feel around in the darkness while I balanced for a tightrope act.

Robin's energy always felt like an extension of his personality, resilient with an almost caustic type of bravery. An incorruptible force that could both heal or infect a host of his choosing, or completely overpower them. To me, Robin's presence soothed and reassured, except now I could feel nothing coming from him.

Instead his presence enveloped everything around him and swallowed it whole. Robin's energy mutated into an emotional blackhole, a silent encroaching supernova that devoured everything in its path. The sensation left me with a coldness throughout my body, erupting goose skin on the nape of my neck and forearms.

No human that I knew of could have this ability or effect on an empath such as myself, but then again, I've seen the world set aflame and destroyed, and the dead rise to live again. What do I know?

I felt truly exhausted and that I just might implode under the pressure any time soon. Hopefully it'd be quick, I'd hate for it to last for too long.

"It's fine Robin," I lied uneasily, and decided to change the subject, "Anyway, what are you doing up so early? Couldn't sleep?" I turned my back to him and faced the sun again, closing my eyes to resume my attempt to meditate for the millionth time.

"Something like that." He seemed to be choosing his words carefully as his voice came closer to me as he spoke. I regretted my question at once.

"I felt the commotion. I've been feeling it for a while now, but this is the first time it wouldn't let me sleep. I was worried." He stopped beside me and sat down on my right.

I clamped down hard on my tongue before I could say the words that were itching to come out. My anger began to boil to the point that it was nearly painful, but I squeezed my eyes tighter and took slow deep breaths, keeping the intolerable emotion at bay.

My jaw tightening under the stress, I released my tongue from my teeth, "I have it under control." I stated firmly.

My body grew rigid as the door to the roof suddenly slammed behind us. My eyes remained shut.

"I know when you're lying Raven." His voice was calm, and that was irritating.

I couldn't hold it back this time, "I wouldn't be dealing with this in the first place, if my friends weren't heartbroken."

Silence.

Guilt, massive guilt and shame. The damage had been done and I could feel the weight suddenly leave my shoulders; no matter how much regret I felt, I was glad I'd finally said the words.

Robin didn't respond, and the guilt ate away inside me – we both ignored the sound of breaking glass downstairs.

Robin took a deep breath before speaking, "I know that we've been friends for a long time now; all of us." Uh oh, I sensed a speech brewing and settled myself into my cross-legged form. Thankfully my eyes were still closed, because good god I wasn't in the mood for this.

"For years we've been protecting this city," Robin continued, uninterrupted, "and every one of you has shared something about yourselves. At least, we all know something valuable about each other. The only person who knows something valuable about me is you." My eyes opened at this, but I didn't dare interrupt him. I stared forward at nothing in particular, just into the distance while he spoke.

"Starfire, Cyborg, Beast Boy, you - you've all put yourselves into this team, this family. But I'm still hiding. I'm afraid of what they might see, I'm afraid of their reactions. You're the only one who understands."

"Understand what?" I asked still staring into the distance, the sun settling above the city skyline in a picturesque view.

"You're the only one who's seen me. The real me. Other than Batman, who hasn't turned away. And you have no idea how that feels." He turned towards me then, a light smile on his lips that creased his eyes under his mask, but it seemed forced to me. I frowned.

I didn't know what to say to him, so all I could do was look at him in an effort to understand.

He gave one short chuckle before continuing, seeming to notice my confusion, "I think you're the only person I can talk to about this. You're the only person I want to talk to about this; the others wouldn't understand because you are just as dark as me." My chest felt light and my stomach fluttered. What is this feeling?

I let go of a breath I had unintentionally been holding, and quickly looked away from Robin to my crossed legs. Odd, my heart needed a moment to calm itself before I could properly assess what Robin was saying to me. I suppose I felt honored that I was the only one Robin could confide in beside the big Bat. But what is that supposed to mean? 'You are just as dark as me'.

What was I to say if I could speak? Thank you? Your welcome? I'm glad you think of me that way, likewise?

"Ok." Was all I could muster.

Fuck, good job. My heart finally relaxed to a calm rhythm.

"Anyway," Robin began with a steady voice, "I want to tell you what happened, with Starfire, so maybe you could stop hating me just a little bit."

I cringed at his choice of words, but they were truthful. I did hate him to some degree, and my efforts to veil it were minimal to nonexistent. So, I took another deep, therapeutic breath and met his masked gaze.

Robin's expression sobered while our eyes met, his tone reserved, "I'm not sure if you remember, but it was five weeks ago on Tuesday. We came home that day after we stopped Mumbo," His eyes looked past mine as he remembered that day. I frowned, remembering also.

"She was so happy the day earlier; I couldn't understand the change in her. She felt so distant, occupied. I just couldn't understand."

He looked toward the ground at this moment, and I had a fleeting glimpse of a memory that left me winded.

Starfire, her emerald eyes downcast and blank. Her movements sluggish and her overall attention distracted. The team saw her take down Mumbo with a blast from her hands, but she didn't expect for him to counter so quickly from behind.

Robin sprinted towards her, "Watch out!"

Reacting on instinct, I watched myself in this memory shoot through the air and tackle Starfire to the ground, bearing the brunt of Mumbo's attack and colliding with Star and the ground.

"Nice save Rae. Are you two okay?" Yelled Cyborg from a distance as he fought off a barrage of bunnies.

Starfire got up, I did not.

Beast Boy as a hawk swooped down and transformed back to his human form before screaming," Starfire, get it together and help Raven!"

Beast boy landed near my unconscious body and shielded us both from concrete and debris as his beast within form. It wasn't until Beast Boy growled at her, that Starfire finally picked my limp body up and retreated.

The point of view shifted briefly to Star's fleeting figure, before focusing on Mumbo laughing maniacally.

"Two down, three to go!" Laughed Mumbo.

The vision ended with Mumbo's smirk abruptly vanishing at the three men standing before him enraged.

Pain shot through my spine and fixed itself behind my ears. The memory brought back the injury I was still recovering from and my wounded ego of being knocked unconscious by Mumbo, of all people. That hack.

"I remember Robin, vaguely."

"After we all made sure you were ok, I went to her room to see what was wrong. I wanted to know why she was so sad."

The memory was still vivid in my mind. Watching Starfire, it seemed she had lost her shine. It was probably the most painful thing to watch, and feel, and probably more so from Robin's point of view.

"What happened? I'm assuming you talked." I heard my voice speak the words before I realized I'd said them, I was a little surprised that it shook a little.

Robin took a few seconds to compose himself, and then continued, "We talked. I asked what was wrong; she said she was sorry for how she was behaving, and that she wished she could be stronger, for the both of us. I asked what she meant, but she didn't answer. Instead, she broke up with me." Robin's shoulders sunk with grief. I watched as he tried to control his suddenly sorrowful expression.

I tried not to stare, but this was new to me; a new form of torture that I was not aware of.

My chest tightened as my head clouded with despair, my hands beginning to shake from the powerful emotion. My eyes watered in response to his close proximity, and my migraine fired through my forehead to my eyes.

It was then I realized who the real heartbroken friend was; the one who had been suffering and projecting the real desolation.

"I'm so sorry," Was all I could say, "I just assumed…." My sentence trailed off. There was nothing that could really be said or done to atone for how I'd treated him these past few weeks. On top of the ever-present injuries that refused to heal, my powers going haywire, and the emotional turmoil, I simply hadn't cared to notice his pain.

Robin inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly before responding, "It's fine Raven. You didn't know. I'm sure everybody else came to the same conclusion." He sat motionless beside me; his expression impassive again.

So, it had been Starfire who ended the relationship. But it simply did not make sense, why did she end the one thing that we all knew would last forever? Why now?

So many questions rebounded in my mind, almost as much as my migraine was pulsating in my brain. I took slow breaths to alleviate the pounding; I needed to meditate asap.

Robin and I didn't speak for a while, and I grew anxious during the silence.

My own emotions were so hectic that I couldn't tell his apart from mine. I retained a semi-calm exterior the best I could.

I jumped a little when Robin broke the silence, "You know how all those couples blame themselves when their significant other breaks up with them," I felt a surprising amount of trepidation, but I resisted the urge to get up and leave, "the thing that's different between me and them is it was my fault."

I looked at him at this, and he promptly avoided my gaze. The fear grew again, and so did the pain in my head.

"I'm not saying that because I feel I'm responsible, it's because I know I'm responsible." Robin gazed out toward the ocean, watching the water glistening, moving in small waves, "I tried showing her me, the real me. But before I even gave her a glance, she ran away. I scared her. It's my fault." He gazed down solemnly, his expression cleared of emotion as well as the fear in my chest.

His gaze seemed blank, no longer withholding the gleam of desolation. And that disturbed me the most. I knew immediately he wasn't waiting for a response, but I couldn't stand the moment of stillness between us.

I said the first thing that came to mind.

"Robin, you cannot blame yourself."

He snorted at this but said nothing in response.

My migraine dimmed slightly, and I regained clarity in my irritation, "Do you really believe hiding would have been a better solution?" His eyes told me his answer, resolute and fixed toward the water.

Taking a quick deep breath, I proceeded, carefully choosing my words.

"Even if you hadn't shown your true self to Starfire, at some point, she was going to realize you weren't sharing your full self with her. Your reluctance would not have been appreciated, trust me." Robin's eyebrow creased as he listened, a look of understanding flitting across his features.

"You think so?" He asked sheepish.

"She would have been self-conscious, doubting your feelings towards her. That, I believe, would have been much worse."

"I still lost her though." He stated flatly.

"I don't know why she did what she did, but the only thing that matters is she knows you now. She may have ended the relationship, but no matter how dark you may be, she will never turn away from you. She will never turn away from a friend, I think I know that better than anyone." I gave the best comforting grin I could, but even that was slight.

From Robin's answering smile, I guess it wasn't as bad as I imagined it, even though it faded into a small gloomy one.

"I suppose," He answered soberly, "but I'm not so sure. We haven't talked since that night. And even those few times we went out to stop a burglary, she avoided me. I don't even think she's even looked at me since then."

That was a lie. She'd looked plenty of times, it was Robin who avoided that glance, but I wasn't about to point that out. No need to make him feel even worse or call him out on it. I was supposed to be the comforting friend, right? The confidante.

I'm also the trusted confidante who desperately needed to say something to make him feel better, and quick. I bit my lip, hiding my anxious expression.

"She's hurting, Robin. She just needs time is all," I hoped to Azar it was true, "Time heals everything." except my fucking back, was what I wanted to add. But I refrained, we were having a moment and jokes would take away my sincerity. But honestly, my back still hurt from that fight.

My back pinched and ached now, so I did my best to hide my strained tone; this type of conversation never was my forte. Unfortunately, I think I somehow manage to stumble my way through heart to hearts with my friends most of the time.

My pain and constant migraine wore at my patience with this current conversation, I couldn't be rude to Robin. Not yet, at least.

"You're right. Time will be good for me too." Robin acquiesced, nodding in agreement.

Great, now that's taken care of. We sat in silence for a few moments, and I expected some type of unspoken understanding that one of us would leave. That being him. I waited for Robin to move, or get up, or do something. But all he did was sit there and watch the incoming waves beside me, leaning casually back on his hands.

Literal emotional blackhole, was all I felt next to me. Ripping at my center and tearing away at my brain. My migraine began pounding again, and I started tapping my fingers impatiently.

Irritation flared then. I did the comforting friend thing, what more does he want?

I took a deep breath, surprised by the surges of emotion. I needed seclusion.

"I need to go meditate." I stated abruptly, moving from my cross-legged position to stand, "I'll be in my room. I-if you need me." The words felt awkward against my tongue, especially to be saying it to my fearless leader. But I knew he needed someone at the moment to rely on, so I decided to take the initiative, despite my awkward stutter.

He ignored my stutter, "Okay, I'm going to be up here for a while."

I nodded, already walking toward the door.

"And Raven!" His voice called out, stopping me right as I grasped the handle, "Thank you. A lot."

"Anytime." With that said, I moved swiftly down the stairs, through the hall, and into my room. Beautiful, obsidian and midnight blue colored solitude.

I exhaled deeply, feeling light-headed and sluggish. I walked to my bed and fell into it carefully, easing my back onto a soft pillow to rest. Rubbing my temples seemed to ease the headache.

My room before had been a constant stream of profanities and unwanted insights from everyone. Feelings that I couldn't block because my head was screaming from exhaustion, my body still feeling bruised and battered.

But now peace, and serenity despite my head throbbing. My brain still hadn't quite healed from the chaos of the conversation with Robin. Every emotion felt like a punch to the gut and my tear ducts. The unwanted memory of the day with Mumbo, reliving the pain was too much for me.

Despite the tough talk, I did feel a sense of relief. I'd gotten out the vitriol that kept clawing away inside me; Robin did not break up with Starfire. Her days locked up sobbing in her room were from her own actions, and not as a result of a boyfriend with bad timing. So why did she do it?

I took a deep breath and sat cross-legged on my bed. I felt myself lift from my sheets, the soft material no longer touching my legs. I exhaled in surprise.

Rapture, sudden bliss it was to levitate so easily. Now, was the moment I felt the negativity leave my body, and I closed my eyes.

Slowly and softly, I murmured my mantra to myself, feeling my thoughts leave me. My body felt numb as I focused on my breathing, the way my chest rose and fell, and the internal silence. Ecstasy it was. I was sure I'd probably gone to another realm during this moment, and I couldn't get enough of it. It was wonderful….

My eyes blinked opened softly.

The bright sun that had been shining relentlessly this morning had been taken over by the moon. Pale and alluring as it was, but also a complete surprise. Had I really been meditating that long?

My mind needed the tranquility more than I thought. I filled my lungs with a deep inhale of breath, and I felt the corners of my mouth tighten and teeth on my bottom lip. Was I smiling?

Suddenly, I felt my chest slightly rumbling, a voice echoing throughout my room. I was laughing.

Am I crazy?

Quickly, I walked out of my room. A little shaken by my good mood, but I was alright. More than alright, my little laughing fit had ceased after I closed the door behind me. My migraine was still there but dimmed down to a light pressure, and my back felt refreshed. I felt 60% healed, and it's the best I'd felt in weeks.

I let my feet take me down the hall, down the stairs, and surprisingly, I found myself in the common room. Remarkable that the room was essentially empty. The only person I could find was Starfire, planted in the sofa watching TV.

Odd to see her sitting there alone, watching some awful reality nonsense at this time of the night.

There was absolutely no reason I could think of for Starfire to be sitting here alone. At least Cyborg or maybe Beast Boy would keep her company; where did they go?

I walked hesitantly towards her.

"Starfire?" I asked once I reached her, my hand placed lightly on the back of the sofa.

Starfire jumped, her back stiffening, a small yelp escaping from her mouth. She turned toward me at once, her emerald eyes wide.

Her eyes focused when she saw it was me and her hand flew to her chest as she muted the tv in the same motion.

"Oh! Friend Raven, you have startled me." I could see redness around her eyes, a pink tinge to her nose; she'd been crying. I felt whatever was left of my smile turn into a frown.

"The others have retired to their rooms," she explained when I continued to stare, she straightened her position on the sofa and turned the tv off, a delicate smile adorning her features, "I had hoped to converse with you before I returned to my room as well."

My eyes widened. Taking in the room around me, and the clock on the oven, I was surprised she had waited this long. Her soft smile was still in place, a first.

"What did you want to talk about?" I asked her warily, hoping that she wouldn't want to have a 'talk'. I don't think I could stand to be a comforting confidante to someone else in the same day; it was hard enough with Robin and I'd just meditated a healing session.

Starfire turned abruptly and bent down toward her leg. A silver box I hadn't noticed sat on the right side of her leg; a sparkly blue bow tied around it. Starfire grabbed it and held it out to me, her smile widening.

"For you." She said, her voice eager, her eyes gleaming.

I started, but took the box, nonetheless, holding it before me undoubtedly confused and wary.

I eyed the box one more time before glancing up at her again, shocked to see her beaming, "It's not Blorthog today is it?"

"It is not, my friend." She was still smiling radiantly.

"Then why-" I began but she intercepted.

"Earlier today I had traveled to the mall of shopping. I found it in one of the compartments the earthlings call stores. The moment I witnessed its existence, I had to acquire it for you at once. It is in your favorite color, I made sure." She grinned excitedly; her hands placed patiently in her lap.

What blood I had, promptly drained from my face.

Oh perfect! This was really what I needed. Another provocative garment Starfire bought me. I wonder where she got it this time, Abercrombie & Fitch? Hollister? American Eagle? Garbage? A dumpster fire?

I tried to smile appreciatively. The damn box suddenly felt heavier every second I stared at that dainty blue bow.

"You shouldn't have." I forced a smile the very best I could, I couldn't however, keep the distaste from my tone. Starfire didn't seem to notice as she smiled brighter.

"Oh, but I am glad I did! Open it, do you not wish to see your gift?" Her tone seemed to drop suddenly, and I glanced up to see her cheerful expression fall.

Hastily, I conjured up a full-length grin, "No of course I want to. I'm just, so surprised. Thank you, Starfire." Her grin returned. Boy was that close.

I returned my attention to the harmless little silver box, feeling a large amount of anxiety. My fingers fluttered uneasily; not at all wanting to open the box, but if it keeps her smiling….

Fuck it.

I ripped the bow off angrily, taking the top off to reveal royal blue tissue paper as well as white. I unfolded the tissue paper, to see something wrapped inside. I pulled out the object, the material felt soft and light against my fingers, and I let it unravel.

It was a shirt, a blue so dark that it almost seemed gray. It had a kind of V-neck that buttoned down. The sleeves were nice and long, but overall it seemed kind of short. Was it supposed to end where my hips probably began? If so, weird.

"Do you like it?" She asked at once, her smile still in place.

I took one more glance at it, my lips pursing.

Overall, I would have to say it wasn't that bad. It wasn't something I'd normally buy for myself, but let's face it. Starfire was pretty much the only one who supplied me with clothing, I hated shopping, and nothing ever fit right.

I wondered idly if I ever went out to buy my own clothing, or if I ever bought clothes. I decided it was kind of sad that I couldn't think of any times I did.

But frankly, her choice of gift wasn't bad. Not bad at all, I guess that meant….

"Yes, I do like it." My voice sounded surprised, and I sincerely was, "A lot. Thanks, Star."

"You are welcome, friend Raven."

I continued to observe my not so bad gift.

Perhaps it was the color that appealed to me the most. Maybe because it seemed pretty modest, unlike most of those shirts I see with the plunging neckline and those shirts that cut off halfway to show your belly button. Those I probably would have thrown away in the dumpster fire they came from.

"I believe the earthling female clerk called it a Cardigan."

A modest cardigan. Now would I wear it? Doubtful.

"I would appreciate it if you wore it someday," my observation stopped, "I am quite eager to see how it fits you. Perhaps tomorrow you can wear it."

What?

"The Kid Flash and once adversary Jinx are patrolling the area for the next two weeks. We have a, day off, do we not? Uniforms are not required, yes?"

Nothing came out of my open mouth.

"Until then I suppose. Pleasant shlorvaks Raven." She stood from her seat, turned off the lights overhead and walked leisurely out of the common room. The kitchen lights the only ones illuminating the room.

I stared after her, trying to figure out what just happened, my fingers still wrapped around the shirt.

Speechless, dumbfounded, and defenseless. I acquiesced, there was no fight left in me. Whatever.

Finally, my fingers and muscles relaxed. Ugh. My eyes closing in resignation.

There was no fighting it; her expression was my reluctant decision. She was so happy and excited, the first time in weeks!

So, tomorrow, I will wear the damn shirt. Tomorrow I will make her happy again. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow I will wear the modest not so bad cardigan, that I actually like.

I sighed.

I glanced at the no so bad shirt again, wondering what would look best with it. I'd have to look through the pile of clothes I'd discarded in my dresser, all still new and unworn.

I groaned, grabbing the empty box as I walked to my room. I tried to get a grip on myself.

"It's just a shirt," I said to myself as I walked down the hall, "how bad could it be?"

Oh, I really shouldn't have said that.

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AN: I hope you enjoyed the revamped, thoroughly edited chapter! If there's still mistakes, my bad.