Chapter 3: Help, I'm Alive
Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, the song 'Undisclosed Desires' by Muse, or the song 'Help, I'm Alive' by Metric.
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Undisclosed Desires
Chapter Three - Help, I'm Alive
At dawn, my first and only task today was to rummage through my dusky, clutter of a dresser. I have a few extra robes and leotards to wear in the top drawer, and a small mess of clothes -tags still attached to them- pushed aside in a corner on the bottom. They'd probably been there for months, and definitely a garment or two, had been sitting for years.
I threw myself into my task, starting with the top drawer, and worked my way to the second. I reorganized a little and folded each item neatly back into its designated place. Eventually, I managed to through every item in my drawer and found my outfit for the day, putting a neat pile in a bag to donate later of undesired items.
Turning this way and that way in front of my vanity mirror, I sighed. Each angle I saw my own reflection, didn't make me feel more comfortable with the woman staring back at me. The dark-haired woman's lips pursed as I continued to survey my reflection.
Under my usual hooded robe, my dark blue leotard was probably more revealing than the clothes I wore now. But those same robes were the only clothes that I'd brought from Azarath, the same type of clothing everyone wore from my birthplace. My robes are who I am.
Human clothes feel too light and fragile, just as they do now. They clung to my skin, hugging each curve with every movement. It feels more alien than anything I've experienced on Earth, but I am half human, and the point of wearing these clothes is not about me.
Now, I stood motionless in front of the mirror for a good amount of time, appraising my new outfit with slight disdain and -though I didn't want to admit it- approval.
Seeing my legs enveloped in black stretchy jean-styled leggings, I couldn't tear my eyes away from them. The jeggings showed off my toned thighs and calves, and my hips seemed to be highlighted the most. Not wanting to pull away any attention from them, I selected a pair of black ballet flats to complete the silhouette. Under my cardigan, I chose a simple white tank-top that cut just above the band of my jeggings, allowing a tiny window of skin to peek through. My sleeves felt comfortable and soft, and everything I wore felt light and breathable.
I felt playful in my new outfit but reserved in a way. Despite my reluctance, I had to admit that I was pleased. My robes are my heritage, the only thing I have left from my past, and somehow these clothes made me feel good about myself.
I decided, I would do something special for Starfire to show my appreciation. Everything from my drawer had been a gift from her, and none of them had been pink or baby blue. They were all dark colors, white being the only exception. I was probably the most ungrateful person on Earth.
In the mirror, chagrin flashed in my expression, and I forced eye-contact with myself and held it.
"Today isn't about you." I reminded myself audibly.
The clock had already ticked past noon, probably hours ago; I wasn't keeping track. Partially on purpose.
Frankly, as much as I liked the way I felt in the clothes Starfire gave me, I did not want to go downstairs. The team would notice, and the idea of everyone's eyes on me didn't sit well. One sudden change of wardrobe wouldn't normally become a big deal, but I've never been one to choose to do so.
When it boils down to it, Starfire wanted this. She'd asked me personally after giving me a 'not so bad' gift, without asking for anything in return except to wear it. And after seeing the way she smiled, when she frowned for so long, how could I not follow through?
I exhaled in resignation, and I leaned forward on my dresser until my head bumped against my mirror. Staring down at my hands, I wondered if I should pound my head repeatedly in the hope that I would forget who I am or lose consciousness -whatever struck first. It was tempting, but I restrained myself from doing such a thing.
Looking to my left at the sunlight on my bed, I groaned. It had dimmed significantly from when I awoke and set on my task for the day. I'll admit, I had been keeping tabs on the angle of the sun rays on my bed, and I possibly could have feigned accidentally losing track of time. But I wasn't going to keep putting it off, nerves be damned. Upsetting Starfire is not an option today, not if I am a good friend.
My hands froze briefly as I met my own gaze one last time in the mirror.
"Let's just get this over with." I told myself.
Moving from my drawer to my door, I briskly exited my room. My heart began to thud inside my chest and my breathing suddenly sounded laborious, as if to prove that my mind and body are always at odds with each other. There's certainly no reason for me to be this anxious. I know it's simply my being repetitive all these years, a sudden change is practically taboo.
When it comes down to it, change is what scares me the most and that's my own doing. I suppose anybody would be frightened of an alteration like this, or maybe I'm just weird like that. Oh well, either way, I needed to calm myself.
I slowed my pace and shut my eyes quickly, forcing an even breath; reining in the irrational fright to focus on my destination. Instead of feeling frustration and anger, my emotionally saturated thoughts drifted away into nothingness and my eyes opened a moment later.
How easy it is now to control my emotions! Feeling the delight of calmness and control, I continued on my way to the common room. It was a funny kind of sponginess in my center; this time I felt ready to soak up and flush out the emotional oppression I'd been suffering. My successful meditation session yesterday definitely helped. On top of a full night's rest, I felt ready to take on my task. Though, as much as I don't like to admit it, the therapy session with Robin probably helped things along too.
If I could create my own nightmare world from a frightening movie, it would make sense that harboring so much ill will towards a friend would start to overwhelm and stunt my powers. Then again, if that truly were possible, shouldn't Beast Boy have breached that barrier years ago? Hmmm, I have a lot to think about apparently.
Walking through the halls of the tower, I focused my attention to the end of each corridor I entered, the smooth steel brightening and dimming from the nearby sconces I passed. Breathing deeply and evenly, I decided it felt odd in my new clothes. Perhaps my leotard gave more support than I expected, and I felt too free. I felt like an alien trying to blend into their surroundings and failing miserably.
I felt my resolve waiver like a butterfly in the back of my mind, it's wings of doubt fluttering against my control. Turning back isn't an option, so I took another deep breath, and stretched out my stride, forcing my leg muscles to strain. My hands began to flutter like my resolve, and my stomach tingled anxiously as I entered the main hall.
It was now or never, one glance from Starfire and -perhaps a small conversation- I could run into my room and put this whole thing behind me. It would be done: Starfire would be happy, Robin would find a way to move on and my powers would come back. Everything would go back to normal. I ached for normal.
My arrival at my destination felt lackluster as I breezed past the motion sensors, each step through the common room doors felt like a muscle relaxer. My cheeks began to warm with every second, but I paid no mind to it. Standing in the common room, by the visibly wet but clean kitchen counters, the fear I'd worked up in my mind was completely unnecessary.
I could only see one person and we were alone. I focused in black, spiky hair in front of the TV, channel-flipping in the sofa. One more time I surveyed around myself, hoping I'd missed the alien with fiery red hair and bright green eyes. I had imagined her smiling in delight as she caught my wardrobe for the day, hoping beyond hope she would materialize before me. Robin and I were very alone.
Great. I murmured mentally and chastised myself. So worried about the reactions of my companions, I put off coming downstairs for too long. But I couldn't give up that easily. Keeping the same pace I had mastered in the hall, I strutted forward, intent on Robin.
"Hey, where are the others?" I asked him as patiently as I could.
Clad in his uniform, Robin's head quirked up at my curt tone. Clearly caught off guard as I met his confused expression. He muted the tv and put the remote down on his side in the same motion after a moment of perplexed deliberation.
"Uhm, they went to the mall. I think." Robin responded.
My jaw clenched, "When?"
"Just a few minutes ago," Robin's eyebrows rose at my piqued attitude, his tone quizzical, "Why?"
"I'm looking for…." I began as my sentence trailed off, the words 'bad idea' screaming in my head and I backtracked, "-never mind. Forget it." I shifted my gaze elsewhere, switching gears to think of another way to complete my task.
"Oh-kay." Robin said slowly, confused. He turned away, back toward the TV, shrugging and picking up the remote to resume channel surfing.
What now? I asked myself vaguely.
I closed my eyes briefly and decided to reevaluate my situation. I felt it was too soon from my 'talk' with Robin to mention Starfire's name, and holy hell was that a close one. I've never been one to avoid a subject, but something in my bones repelled from saying Starfire's name; better to go with instinct.
I guess Starfire has to come home eventually, I reasoned, and I could wait.
I'd been staring in the direction of Starfire's room when I noticed Robin's head jerk erect, in the corner of my eye. The motion broke me out from my train of thought, but I didn't want to overtly stare at him. I wondered briefly if I'd been standing in one place for too long.
Robin looked off in the distance, past the TV, ceasing his channel surfing. I couldn't quite see it properly from the angle I watched him, but his expression reminded me of someone in disbelief or confusion. Unable to resist, I felt my eyes surreptitiously move to him and then dart away repeatedly.
"Huh?" Robin chuckled audibly to himself, and his lips spread in an odd smile, as if something funny suddenly occurred to him.
My eyes widened at the notion that I might be witness to someone losing their mind. I didn't move my gaze away from Robin this time, and he directly met my eyes without hesitation. I froze.
Robin's masked gaze moved from my eyes, his expression giving no inclination as to what he laughed about, until his face angled downward toward my feet. His smile vanishing, and I realized he was inspecting my clothes.
Oh, right, the shirt, I sighed mentally, waiting for the inevitable questions. My cheeks warmed a degree, and I fought to keep a level head.
"What are you wearing?" Robin asked, his shocked smile still intact.
I blinked, playing aloof, "Clothes." I stated flatly.
"I see that. Why?" He asked curious, his tone losing the shock.
I watched his face, and abruptly pictured his masked eyes traveling down to my feet before returning back to my eyes, appraising. Caught off guard by the image, my expression remained blank and I glanced down to my own feet, shrugging. The movement felt far too tense to seem casual.
"Just felt like it." I answered, still avoiding his masked gaze. Silence ensued, and I hoped his line of questioning was sated.
I didn't expect how uncomfortable I would feel, having someone else's eyes on my body wrapped in this fragile, light clothing. The word vulnerable creeped in the back of my mind, and made my hair stand on end. Combined with being unable to sense his presence felt maddening, it threw off my balance and held my center hostage, making it difficult to think clearly.
I couldn't tell Robin the truth about why I was dressed up today, and mostly because I didn't want to. Being around him was beginning to feel poisonous as my migraine rebounded. I need to get away from him, I thought angrily. I chanced a glance to see his expression, hoping the sight of him would give me some balance, but his behavior caused a strange emotion to surface in the warmth of my cheeks. The image of his eyes traveling up and down my body, flashed across my mind again, and I thought vaguely that it could be my own imagination. Both thoughts caused my blush to deepen, and my head pound.
"What?" I asked Robin curtly, no longer able to stand the silence and his eyes on me.
"Oh." He hesitated. Suddenly growing restless, he turned his face away while he spoke, "Nothing. Sorry. I've just - I've never seen you like this before." Awkwardly, Robin moved his attention back to the TV, but his channel flipping sped up.
It was at this precise moment that I felt the impression I should leave. I could go back to my room, read a book and lounge until Starfire came back. Or with one call from my pager, I could meet with the others and complete my task immediately. If I walked away right this minute, this conversation would end. It would be rude, but I've never been one to pull punches. Something imbedded in my bones kept my feet planted where they were, and the idea of walking away disappeared as I continued to search Robin's expression.
"I…"-my voice failed me, and I blurted out- "I've never seen you in street clothes."
Strangely, I felt sweat dew on the back of my neck as I watched Robin's head tilt to the side. The perspiration made my stomach tingle, and I watched as he pondered my statement.
"Is that a challenge?" He asked casually, still facing the TV.
My eyes narrowed, thinking his question a rebuff, but my blush spread to my neck. I frankly didn't know what to say in response, and my control on my center was being held together by a thread. Was he teasing me? Did he value his life at all? Should I stop talking and walk away now?
"Would it suit you?" I responded neutrally, my eyebrows raising. What are you doing? this question hovered in the back of my mind, but I dismissed it upon robin's answering smirk.
"It suits you." Robin responded after a moment. He gazed at me then, a light smirk playing on the edge of his lips.
I felt suspended in air at this moment, a strange creeping sensation of coolness running across my skin before submerging. Maybe it was a draft that created goose skin to break out on my arms, or maybe my clothes really are too light and fragile to keep me warm. I wasn't sure, but it definitely couldn't have been Robin's compliment.
"It suits you." He repeated, possibly taking my silence as surprise.
"Thanks." I eventually responded awkwardly. I felt something twinge in the back of my mind, like pins and needles to the back of my head, but it went away as soon as it struck. Instead, the goose skin spread to the nape of my neck and sent shivers all throughout my body. It was then I realized, being around Robin was affecting me physically as well as emotionally.
What the hell? The feeling unnerved me, and I instinctively took a step back from Robin.
"Well I should go-" I began, my voice quivering as I began to make for an exit.
"Wait, I mean-" Robin interrupted before I could turn. He began chuckling nervously, and I felt my eyes widen in surprise as he composed himself, "I'm not really doing anything and it'll probably be awhile before the others get back, but would you want to -I don't know- go out for some food? If you're not doing anything?"
"I don't…" My voice failed me once again, and I couldn't form the appropriate words fast enough as I trailed off. My center screamed at the pressure of my anxiety while I squirmed for the right words; my difficulty with control heightened at this moment. Barely a couple seconds had passed.
Robin suddenly appeared flustered, "Oh, if you have something planned it's alright. I was just wondering." He turned back to the TV and focused on the show playing. My eyebrows rose in response. Is Robin blushing? I didn't know what to say, and the heat in my cheeks felt dizzying.
I didn't see anything wrong with getting food with Robin. We'd gone grocery shopping more than once because of Beast Boy and his dietary restrictions. We'd gone out for pizza countless times, and to the mall. Maybe Robin blushing and the fact that I couldn't stop is so unfamiliar to me, I'm overanalyzing when I need to be a good friend. Going out would kill time, and I am hungry. If I can have 'talks' with my friends, I can grab food with them, I concluded. And stop being weird about it, anger snapped at me.
"Actually, I don't have anything planned. Let's go." I finished lamely. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at how strange I must be behaving; this isn't a big deal, I told myself. I at least hoped I was smiling.
"Oh, Okay." He sounded nervous but… relieved? "Well, give me ten minutes and I'll go change."
Dumbfounded, I replied softly, "To street clothes?" Thankfully Robin had already bounded off and did not turn at my question. Without a second's pass, I turned swiftly and walked quickly out of the common room, down the halls, and into my room.
I pressed my back against my door as soon as it shut. I brought my hands -palms up- to my face and watched my fingers quiver slightly, feeling the heat leave my cheeks and my pulse slow. There is nothing that can describe what I was feeling, or maybe I just didn't have the words yet. My mind had gone into some sort of a daze, maybe shock but I didn't feel the same type of anxiety that came with a near death experience. This was something else, something only being around an emotional blackhole could cause. Why is Robin affecting me so much?
The solitude of my room allowed my mind to clear, and I didn't realize how badly I needed soothing seclusion. Being around Robin was starting to affect me more than I anticipated, and regrouping was a task in itself. My control, on my emotions and powers, turned flimsy by a mere conversation with him. I felt I was now fighting to keep everything around me in one piece, and all because I decided to get food with him.
But I couldn't be too sure what was the cause, partially to lessen the burden of blame on myself. I sometimes felt as though being around him was allowing me to feel emotions, without worrying about the chaos my powers could bring. Though, things still broke around me, and my powers still lashed out if I didn't maintain them.
I frankly didn't know what was going on with me, and I knew only more time around Robin would give me the answers I needed. Maybe I just need to meditate more, I reasoned with myself. Yesterday was the first time I'd meditated peacefully and undisturbed in weeks; the lack of calm must be messing with me in some way.
An abrupt beep on the tower intercom pulled me out of my thoughts, and I recognized Robin's voice, his tone grave.
"Raven, meet me in the garage."
His tone alarmed me, and before I could give it another thought, I hastily charged out of my room on my way to the garage.
To be continued…
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AN: Ok, it's definitely been awhile since I've written like this. Hope it doesn't show! Haha
I want to thank everybody who's reviewed and everyone who just took the time to read this in general! I honestly can't believe some of you have stuck around this long! I know I've been MIA all these years, but I decided to finish something for once and complete the story.
I used to love writing this when I was a teenager, but I lost the passion for it. Now 28, I'm at a point in my life I'm able to enjoy it again! So, thank you if you're a new reader/reviewer to this story, it's been years in progress and hiatus. And a huge thank you to the OG reviewers who have followed and favorited this story since its creation! We're all old now and we're old together! Haha
Quick note, I do have a few chapters prewritten, but my teenage brain was stuck on the angsty emotion of it all haha. So, I'm working to smooth it all out and add some weight to the characters and the overall story. I might play around with POVS in the future, and I'm definitely open to criticism and/or suggestions. I'll only get better with practice and honest communication, so please some patience as I edit and revise. I'll try and upload every week or every other week. Thank you!
Acknowledgements:
MangoSunbeams – you're awesome. I can't believe you read this story over 5 years ago. Haha! Hope I don't disappoint now, and I can play with POVs in the future. Robin sounds like a good start. :)
