Chapter 6: What's Up?
Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, the song 'Undisclosed Desires' by Muse, or the song 'What's Up?' by 4 Non Blondes.
Previously:
His back to the ground, he draped me against his chest. His hands roaming along my back, I tossed my hair to the side, focusing my attention on his lips.
I wanted him, and I wanted more.
Beepbeepbeep! A familiar musical tune buzzed from Robin's hip, and we froze in place.
This time I pulled away.
"I definitely heard that."
x X x
Undisclosed Desires
Chapter Six- What's up?
Raven POV
My hands were wrapped in a vice-grip around Robin's mid-section, but not how they were placed mere minutes ago. Robin and I were not tethered together and rolling around in dirt on a cliff-side with our lips firmly attached together; at least not anymore.
I had to tell myself this constantly on our ride back to the Tower. The trek back to his motorcycle had been so cordial, almost robotic, I hadn't had time to process the warmth of his lips, or the soft caress of his hands.
Did it even happen? I kept asking myself.
And my internal answer of, 'Yes, yes it did', did not help my nerves.
I felt in my core that had it been anyone else, I would be just as mortified. Unable to show my face in any light and several dimensions away from any source of embarrassment. At least that's what I told myself.
Instead, I clutched Robin's backside, unable to maintain any focus to levitate us home or hide in another dimension like I wanted to. The kiss left me incapable of thinking of anything else.
It was a wonder I wasn't losing it now; perhaps it was shock. I still couldn't quite allow myself to believe it had really happened. Nonetheless, despite my inner struggle with reality, I did come to one conclusion.
I was not sorry, and this I felt sure of.
There was no single person to blame, and I hadn't kissed Robin first. I hadn't stopped it either, but that wasn't the point.
The minute we had let go of our embrace on that cliffside, Robin's mind shut down on me. I felt completely blocked out in a way that startled me, but also gave me a sense of relief. Part of me wondered what he was thinking, and the other was thankful I didn't know.
Out of sight, out of mind, and getting entangled with Robin was not on my list of things to do.
Rattled, I had to grab his shoulder again as we walked back through the thicket. My heart pounded the entire way, but I ignored the adrenaline pulsing in my veins, and worked to steady my breath.
We felt our way around in the darkness with Robin leading the way, and then arranged ourselves on his motorcycle, his hands guiding mine in place around him.
It was that moment, with my heart pulsing with heavy persistence, that I realized things felt different between us now.
I wondered if Robin could feel my uneven heartbeat vibrate against his back, but I stopped that thought cold and refocused on the tower's lights ahead. Dew on my palms swelled and I tightened my grip around Robin's waist. This grip appeared to surprise him, and he shifted to change his position, his breath restricted by my grip.
My grip must be too tight. Good.
For the entire journey, Robin hadn't uttered one word. Not since his communicator buzzed.
From the moment he read the message, and I peered to the small digital screen, he muttered under his breath something along the lines of 'the others need us' or 'we need to leave'. I wasn't exactly sure what he'd said, only that he'd crawled off me and pulled me upright before turning back down to the dirt trail. I wasn't sure if his silence, or his apparent inability to look at me, upset me or hurt me.
So, if my grip was causing him discomfort, he didn't voice it for the remainder of the silent ride.
We pulled into the garage then, and I removed my hands from around Robin at once. I slid off the back of the bike and turned to start up the computer, when Robin's hand gripped my arm. I stopped immediately.
Robin's grip was not painful, but it froze me in place, and I watched as his hand moved to my fingers and squeezed.
"Raven." He spoke quick and low, his expression fierce, "I know we need to talk, but please, give me an hour."
Robin, covered from head to toe in sand and mud, appeared to me as a warrior fresh from a battle. The sight of him in such disarray with his intense gaze, did strange things to my stomach. His fingers slid around my hand and squeezed my palm.
His gaze, connected to my own, blazed with emotion. I couldn't pull my hand or eyes away like I wanted to.
"I hate to break it to you, but this won't be an hour." A feminine voice interrupted from the stairway entrance.
Jinx sauntered in from the stairway the same moment that Robin's hand dropped from mine, forming into a fist.
"Whoa, what happened to you two?" Jinx asked as soon as she caught sight of us.
I cleared my throat, "Traffic accident, no injuries. We're ok."
Breathing in deeply, I turned to Jinx and gained one step away from Robin. Kidd flash manifested next to her before I was done inhaling. I had lied with perfect ease, but I wasn't sure if my face looked as believable. Robin didn't comment.
"Sorry." Jinx blushed, her pink eyes lingering on the empty space between Robin and I, before flashing to me.
"Jinx has a habit of interrupting people." Kidd Flash added with a smirk, but his candor felt forced to me.
"Bad luck, remember?" Jinx smiled to me, an apology as she blushed almost as pink as her hair.
I shrugged my acceptance to her apologetic smile, when Robin suddenly stated, "You called us. We're here. Report." His tone dripping with venomous irritation. I stiffened.
"We need everyone." Kidd Flash responded, his tone matching Robin's. Kidd Flash's expression flashed a warning to Robin with fierce eyes, until they turned to mine and softened, "we've already called the others. Jinx wanted to wait for you two." Kidd Flash continued.
"Like I said, we're here." Robin repeated, his tone deepening with authority, "Report."
Robin's clear, biting command to Kidd Flash shocked me enough that I could not control my reaction. I couldn't understand the ire, the clear power plays, and Robin's temper flaring. We, as a team, were better than this, especially Robin.
My powers shot out from within me, encasing my body as black tendrils burst into flames around me. They danced and flicked as I worked to contain their size. Keeping my breath steady and my mind clear, I fought to remain calm enough to reduce the size of the flames but couldn't douse them completely.
After a moment of alarmed silence, I had enough self-control to turn to Jinx and Kidd Flash as politely as possible, with a tight smile and suggest through my teeth, "The common room would be best to gather."
I decided to lead the way, encased in my black flames as every pair of eyes followed me down the hall.
"I thought this was an emergency." Beast boy groaned, his eyelid's drooping as Jinx's feather-light typing filled the common room.
"We need everyone here." Kidd flash replied, his eyes darting to me and then away to the floor.
His features did not adorn the agape, wide eyed, deer in headlights fright - not anymore. In the small moment when my eyes had connected with his electric blue eyes, they'd softened before they moved away.
I could imagine Kidd Flash's skin prickling from a creeping chill in the air, and the dread burrow deep in his stomach from my presence. The unease clear in the hitch of his breath.
I couldn't blame him for his behavior. The walk to the common room had not been pleasant. With every glance, I recognized the familiar fear in Kidd Flash's pupils.
The black flames had been a lot harder to contain than I'd anticipated, and Robin's lithe, calculating stride annoyed and unnerved me in ways I didn't understand.
Robin's constant and parental-like hovering during our evening, felt both protective and defensive. As if I needed to be cared for, for my own good. And to top off the evening, Robin's unusual vitriol towards Jinx was maddening.
He may as well have spit in her face and kicked dirt at her.
Meanwhile, poor Jinx and Kidd flash had walked at a slow pace behind us to the common room. Their energy felt malleable but guarded, especially Jinx. Her powers and mine didn't mesh well together, and she often kept her distance around me. Kidd Flash just seemed uncomfortable. Both were common reactions that I was used to.
I didn't blame anyone who exercised self-preservation, whether it was intentional or not. But I hated the attention. No one had mentioned or even looked twice at Robin.
When we met with the others, I'd muttered to Cyborg and then Beast boy we'd been in a silly accident and tamed the flames in the collective silence as Jinx pulled up a chair to the main computer. All eyes staying fixed upon me.
As far as lies go, I made up a believable one that I almost believed myself. Almost. An angry Raven covered in mud, with a silent and brooding Robin also covered in mud, seemed to be enough of an explanation.
Cyborg's arm beeped in the silence, interrupting Beast boy's yawn. Cyborg skimmed the message and sighed.
"Ya'll might as well start. I can brief Star later." Cyborg typed a response before crossing his arms. I tried not to notice Robin's pointed glance to Cyborg or Cyborg's answering shrug to him.
"I hope you're all briefed from our last update. Beast boy?" Jinx glanced to Beast boy struggling to keep his eyes open.
"It's 1 am and you expect me to read?" Beast boy snapped back. Cyborg rolled his eyes.
"Jinx has a lead that Wayne enterprise, Lexcorp, and Queen Consolidated are being robbed blind. So far, it looks like it might be an internal theft for an underground ring, sound about right?"
"Internal and thoroughly buried." I piped in.
"And sophisticated enough to evade detection." Robin answered, his authoritative tone rising, "It's looking more like an inside job to steal high end technology, they're all classified military defense weapons. They each have a signature linking them to the highly unstable element Zynothium."
Cyborg and I shared a glance at this information. Jinx rolled her eyes.
Jinx sighed, "We know about Red X. I don't think he's tied to this, my source at Wayne Enterprise told me they have military-like people, armed to the teeth, making biweekly deliveries of unmarked pallets. Always three; they never show up at the same time, and they're never the same people."
Robin leaned against the sofa behind him, his arms crossed in deep thought.
"Well, are you sure it's not Lex Luthor calling the shots since he broke out? I mean, the guy designed most of the weapons in use today." Cyborg suggested.
Kidd flash shook his head, "The Justice league has been tracking him, and the last report mentioned they made contact in some remote location in Africa. He's not involved."
"That we know of." Robin chimed in, "He's a businessman first, and Zynothium ore is a lucrative trade."
"Not as much as Kryptonite." I couldn't help but mention. In the grand scheme of things, I knew Lex Luthor couldn't care less about Zynothium, and so did Robin.
Robin nodded to my comment, not denying this fact, and his brow furrowed in deep thought.
"I don't think Lex Luthor is behind this." Jinx admitted, "I think someone is using these warehouses as a cover, paying off the fulfillment centers to turn a blind eye, and storing the stock and letting them disappear with no trace."
"I ran a quick check on Zynothium related suspects. It can't be anyone we've encountered before; this is too organized. Especially for someone like Professor Chang." Robin mentioned to add to Jinx's theory.
Deep in thought, we all stood in silence as Jinx pulled up some images of the coordinates for each warehouse and a list of suspect names in the same region.
Jinx typing on a keyboard, Cyborg typing on his arm and Beast boy's snores, were the only sounds in the large common room.
Looking at the list of suspects, combined with the region of the warehouses, I couldn't ignore the repeated, 'Red X, Red X, Red X' popping up at each location. The built-in algorithm was calculating the crime, the place, and what was stolen; it was providing the highest likely suspect. Even if the result was wrong, it was our only lead.
I glanced to Robin, and our shared gaze to one another did not go unnoticed as Jinx turned around in her chair.
"What?" Jinx asked, her eyes shifting from me to Robin.
I sighed and Robin's teeth ground together; he could guess my next words.
"I think we need to look for Red X." I proposed.
"There's no telling where he could be! The dude's a ghost." Cyborg protested, stopping his typing to look me in the eye, "How do you even know he would be any help if we could find him?"
"Because. The Zynothium." Robin answered before Jinx could protest too, "I designed that suit-"
"-We're aware." Cyborg grumbled. Robin ignored him.
"-If I were Red X, those weapons would be easy targets. Especially since they're being stolen anyway. He's got to be sniffing around at least one of the locations."
"It might explain why the alarms scrambled the other night." I added.
"I told you, the alarms don't trip because the facilities are in on it too." Jinx huffed, "It's not Red X."
"Jinx, I have to agree with Raven on this." Kidd Flash murmured with a hesitant expression. Jinx's sharp pink eyes turned to him in response.
Sheepish, he continued in earnest, "It's a lead. You know Zynothium is nothing to mess around with. With that much in transport, I can't believe the warehouses haven't had a catastrophe yet."
"If anything, it means we should be staking out the warehouses." Jinx scoffed, "Not looking for some two-bit thief."
"You clearly have not met the Red X." Interrupted a high, clear voice.
We all turned to see Starfire walking past the doors with her head held high, and her red hair cascading behind her. Robin stiffened and I yanked my attention away from him and focused on the alien princess.
"Red X hasn't met me." Jinx retorted with a grin.
Starfire continued, unfazed, "The Red X is a dangerous adversary. His treachery and plunder of the unstable element are the least of our collective worry, are they not? The Red X is a selfish human, and if we are to locate his dwelling, it will be a game to him. We must tread carefully."
"Star's right." Cyborg chipped in, "Hate to say it, but Red X is a pro. If we happen to confront him at the warehouses, we might as well announce our investigation with a megaphone."
Jinx sighed in resignation, "Fine. Where do you suggest we start bird brain?"
We all turned to Robin, and he unhinged his jaw to return Jinx's gaze with a blank expression.
Jinx blinked in response, taking his silence as offense, "What? I don't have access to the Batman's mainframe."
"At Wayne Enterprises, the warehouse," Robin began, and I couldn't help but notice Starfire's gaze to Robin, scanning him from head to toe, her eyes beginning to glisten. I ripped my gaze and forced them to Robin as he continued, "what else did Jerry tell you about the biweekly deliveries?"
Jinx shrugged, "they gave him the creeps."
Cyborg smothered a chuckle before it could come out. I put my finger across my lips in thought, trying to focus on anything except Starfire. Robin took a strained deep breath before responding to Jinx.
"The uniforms, any particular symbols? Lettering? Names? Any container numbers? BOLs?"
"As far as Jerry is concerned, everything is unmarked." Jinx answered in earnest, "All documentation is handled by a lead of the warehouse. And they always went inside an office to talk. They go in, work the pallets, when they finish unloading the trucks pull off and they leave in a separate black SUV, no plates."
"And I can confirm nothing was caught on the security cameras." Kidd Flash added, "Jerry says everything should have been captured, but the footage has been manipulated. We were hoping that Batman's system could peek into a backup server for each warehouse."
"It can." Robin responded, "but I don't have access to Batman's mainframe currently. We'll have to work with what we have."
Jinx's eyes widened in surprise. I turned to Robin, startled by his statement, but Cyborg was the one to break the silence.
"WHAT?" Cyborg burst out, jolting Beast Boy awake in the process, "We don't have access to Wayne Enterprise satellites anymore! When were you going to tell us!"
Robin ground his teeth and responded dismissively, "I just did."
"OH NO!" Cyborg shouted abruptly, we all fell silent as his voice boomed, "You don't get to cop out like that. When did you find out?"
I froze in place, watching as Robin pinched the bridge of his nose, his hand nearly vibrating with the effort to relax. Beast boy, conscious now and observing the scene, narrowed his eyes at Robin. Starfire turned her cheek away and folded her arms, her eyes closed in disappointment, with a single tear glistening down her cheek before wiping it away.
Cyborg continued to bellow, his voice gaining with volume, "I have systems running against those satellites! Reports, equations, data! At what point did it not occur to you to say, 'Hey guys, just so you know, we're kicked out of half of our surveillance data, but no worries right? I'm sure Raven can detect crime with her wit!'"
The room couldn't be any quieter than this moment, and my cheeks felt hot.
Cyborg's last statement didn't seem to hold any malice towards anyone but the person his spit flew at. But I felt a double meaning in his words. Like a jab at Robin and I, still in our dirty civilian clothes. My now muddied blue cardigan and clothes no longer felt light and flowy, they molded to my skin with a crust layer of earth, coating me like armor. One breath and the armor would shatter, or crumble.
I didn't feel angry or upset by Cyborg's comment, it only just revealed to me what I already knew. This night, and the kiss with Robin was wrong, and my cheeks burned as the last of Cyborg's spittle hit the carpet.
"Cyborg, I'm sure there's a good explanation. I mean, right?" Kidd Flash interjected, confident at first and glanced to Robin in inquiry. Robin didn't respond.
"When are you going to learn secrets don't help the team, they help yourself!" Cyborg spit again at Robin.
Cyborg's statement saturated the still air, and in that moment, I realized that this silent and frigid Robin was here to stay. Our fearless leader wasn't so fearless anymore. His selfishness in the past had tested our friendship and his loyalty to the team.
Through those admitted mistakes, Robin promised to change. He promised to be a better leader and to begin with honesty. But the recent change in him had erupted so drastically, so quickly, that I hadn't noticed it's momentum. This realization alone felt like a slap across my face, with the nails of fingers scratching deep before leaving my cheek.
I didn't know Robin anymore.
I watched Robin flinch visibly right as I finished my thought, and for one solitary coincidental moment, I realized he heard my mental censure towards him.
I thought I'd felt something stir within Robin for a fraction of a second, a match striking flint in the darkness before dousing in the same moment. It was pain or an urge of some sort, but it was gone and blocked from me again, and the tense, glaring silence continued until Beast boy interrupted.
"Uhm… Does anyone else see that blinking light over there or is that just me?"
We all turned immediately to the main computer's console, a single red light pulsing on and off, signaling a non-violent silent alarm.
"That's for us." Jinx volunteered at once, "Keep Kidd Flash and I updated. We'll let you all decide our next move."
"I'll put out some feelers for Red X and follow up in the morning. We should get some rest." Kidd Flash added. He lifted Jinx up bridal style, whispering something to her ear.
I thought I heard her say in return, "get me out of here." but I realized I didn't care, and then they were gone.
Robin, still frozen from the tension, bowed his head during the silence, before sighing, "Cyborg-"
Cyborg cut him off, "-How long?"
Robin's jaw tightened, but he squared his shoulders and leveled his gaze, "A week."
Cyborg stepped forward, his hand slamming down onto the counter next to him. The counter shuddered under his strength, "You said not to worry. You said, 'everything is fine'. You said you had everything taken care of!"
"I'm sorry." Robin responded, his tone grave with surrender.
"If I'd known we were working with bad data a week ago, I could have calibrated the losses and we'd have hits on the Zynothium Ore tonight! We would be out there!" Cyborg motioned to the city lights through the window, "Right now! Questioning Red X. Not standing around questioning your honesty to this team."
"I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say." Robin responded, his tone low and gentle.
"If people die because of your inability to be honest, 'I'm sorry' isn't going to cut it." Cyborg spat, turned his back on Robin, and stalked out of the common room. Beast boy turned to follow close behind him.
"Come on Star, he should be alone." Beast boy murmured as he slowed his pace to turn to Starfire, before giving Robin a pointed, accusing glance.
This blame-coated gaze infuriated me more than I expected. Beast boy had been asleep the entire meeting, except when Cyborg began yelling. Irritating but typical. If Cyborg is mad at Robin, so is Beast Boy. Childish.
I could not deny the gravity of Robin's actions. As wrong as Robin is for lying, ganging up on him was not the solution. We had not been children for some time, but as I watched Cyborg stomp out of the common room, waiting for no one, I began to doubt if I was right.
Starfire turned toward the door the minute Beast boy stopped for her and walked out without one solitary glance in Robin's direction. The action appeared aggressive to me, and apparently to Beast Boy too as we shared a startled gaze to one another. And then Beast Boy's forest green eyes held my gaze.
Beast boy noticed my indecision and motioned with his hand for me to follow as well. Move with the righteous herd, I thought shrewdly to myself.
I did not move.
Instead, I watched his eyes narrow in confusion, and then hesitate with indecision, "Raven?"
"Don't wait up." I stated firmly.
Beast boy's expression softened with shock in his eyes, his gaze flickering to Robin with an indiscernible emotion. His eyes moved to search my expression one more time, before turning and running after Cyborg and Starfire out of the common room.
I could only imagine what he saw, but I had more pressing matters to tend to.
The grand room emptied with only Robin and I left. My body wanted to go, and my skin crawled with the need to escape to meditate, but I made no motion to walk in any direction.
My wailing mind ached for sleep. But my feet planted themselves where I stood, an Azerathian statue intent on facing him, with no real plan set in mind. I didn't know what I wanted to say, but something deep in my gut told me -wanted me- to stay.
Robin's muscles and limbs remained locked in place. He stood in the same frozen position the minute Cyborg began to yell and stormed out of the room. I could not determine the meaning of his expression from what I could see. Without a direct piercing gaze to him, I noticed a portion of his face angled in my line of sight.
His jaw and his brow smooth, his hands dangled at his sides, palms open and fingers pointed toward the floor in defeat. No anger that I could discern, no frustration or shame. I'd seen this blank expression before; it was the void again, staring after Cyborg where he'd exited the room.
"Beast Boy's right. You can go." Robin stated, breaking the silence, his voice echoing around us, "I should be alone."
"I think that's what got you in this mess." I remarked.
"I don't know what you're expecting from me." He sighed, his hand moving to pinch the bridge of his nose with his fingertips.
His statement left me feeling aimless. Part of me fought every urge to slap him across the face with black tendrils. I could feel them aching to reach out of my shadow, inching closer to rattle my composure. But I bit hard on my lip and steeled my grip on them. They did not seep out of my control.
The other part of me, wanted to tell him exactly what I expected from him.
"How many times do you have to learn this lesson, Robin?" I asked instead, staring hard at the side of his face in my line of sight, "How many times until it finally sinks in that lies aren't helpful." I let the words slice between my teeth.
"I did not lie." He answered in an even tone. My eyes sharpened and I forced myself to relax my tense shoulders.
"I did not lie," Robin repeated, softer, "I just didn't tell anyone when it happened."
"Well," I began, crossing my arms, "How did that work out for you?"
I couldn't see his full reaction physically from my harsh question, but I could tell he had shut his eyes underneath his mask. His face only appeared smooth to me, emotionless, wiped of any indication of his thoughts. This expression bothered me more than his silence, but I understood why. I would get no answers from him tonight.
This blank expression meant the end of our conversation, and in a moment, he would turn and march out of the common room. Again, I felt my body tensing to react first, to use the moment to escape before he could. My feet betrayed me and planted themselves firm, and after a curious moment, I allowed myself some honesty.
"You said you wanted to talk to me." I began softer, my cheeks beginning to flush, "Is that what you were planning on telling me?"
Robin's face twitched, and I imagined his eyes snapping open as he turned to look me in the face.
We stood facing one another for far too long, fixed in a measured gaze. Robin's stare did not cause me discomfort, but I made the first motion and looked beyond him to focus.
"I might forgive you, if you planned on telling me." I continued, my cheeks warming another degree as I fixated on the light behind him, "You've been acting very strange, and reserved recently." I dared not look in his eyes, not directly at least.
"We thought space would help you come to us, but it appears it's had the opposite effect." I kept my eyes fixed past him, to the lights of the skyscrapers of Jump City. The fresh memory of his lips on mine would not leave me. My palms dewed with sweat and the sudden and urgent pounding of my heart made me regret being honest.
How could I have kissed someone who would treat his friends this way?
I wanted to pull my hood down to cover my face, but I wasn't wearing my leotard and blanket of security. I had decided to wear street clothes today, now dirtied, and vile. Fun stuff, I thought to myself sarcastically.
Robin remained silent, and I sighed in frustration.
"What do you need, Robin? What do you need from us?"
Robin took one step towards me and paused.
The hesitation in his step surprised me, and I found my muscles locking in place, waiting, and pondering at his intention.
"I didn't tell everyone because I'm losing it." Robin finally answered, his ungloved hand twitching at his sides, "I'm losing myself, and I'm just trying to find my way."
A crease in his brow formed, creating shadows under his mask, underneath his eyes. Robin's shoulders drooped, and his head turned to look in the direction of the nearest hallway. His escape route.
"Unacceptable." I hissed as he moved to walk out.
He paused and scanned my expression. I felt him look into my eyes and huffed in frustration.
"What would you have me do? I messed up. What's done is done."
His voice sounded so… worn. So defeated and guilty as his head shook infinitesimally to himself. It made me grind my teeth.
"Unacceptable!" I replied harsher.
"What do you want from me!" Robin shouted. His guilt shifting into anger.
He needed to be confronted and to know exactly what needed to be done, and the memory of his lips on mine, fueled my next words.
"I don't care if someone is watching, or if we're being too loud. I don't care about your frustration with me, or your inability to tell me exactly what's wrong." I confessed in controlled outrage, "Why didn't you tell me you lost access?"
Robin's firm and steady gaze to me felt like his answer. I interpreted his inaction and the clear shame in his features as clearly as if he'd spoken: 'I don't know'.
I'd seen this look on his face too many times, and time after time, he promised to be better. Except this time, he didn't have anyone to fight his battle, except me.
"I am not Starfire, Robin."
Robin froze the moment Starfire's name left my lips. By the look of his expression, I may as well have balled my fist and punched him.
"I know that." He replied, his tone soft and his expression wary.
"I'm not sure that you do." I responded, my tone sour, and I took a slow measured breath before continuing, "We've complicated our friendship tonight. Your actions to withhold vital information from the team, shows me that you are not fit to lead us in your present state."
"Raven-"
"I suggest you let us take point with Red X." I cut in, "You can send us information from Titan's mainframe, and use the time to continue finding yourself."
I hadn't meant to sound condescending, and the moment I finished, Robin took another step closer to me.
I braced myself for anything. For more shouting, for his fist to slam into walls or shatter furniture. But he did none of those things. Instead, he reached his hand out to mine.
His ungloved hand hovered before me, palm up. Waiting.
"I agree. I-I step down as the leader of the Titans." He declared uneasily, "with a couple requests."
His hand continued to hover, and I looked to meet his masked eyes, wishing for any inclination to his thoughts. My eyes narrowed and I made no reply.
"I-I promise to make the extra effort to prove to you, and everyone else, that I am fit to be your leader again in time." Robin amended. I looked up to his eyes again, wondering how long his hand would hover in front of me before I smacked it away.
"Like what?" I asked, caution coating my tone.
"I am more helpful on the field than stuck in the Tower. Utilize my skills to hunt Red X for answers. It's what I'm good at, even you know this."
I began to weigh the pros and cons of allowing Robin to help search for Red X, unsure if I could give an appropriate answer for the team. He continued before I could answer.
"I won't let my emotions get in the way. I will reach out to Bruce to regain access to his satellites, and I will have a list compiled of locations to search within a day; regardless of your answer."
"What's your second request?" I asked, folding my arms as I deliberated. I felt dirt crumble in my movement.
"We'll need to break into teams. Two each. I request you and I search our locations together."
I felt my arms drop to my sides and stuttered in my confusion, "W-we'll cover more ground separately."
"True, but if we each search within close proximity of another team for backup, we can box in Red X and overpower him. He won't go down easily. Getting him to talk won't be either." Robin responded coolly, pausing for a moment before stating, "But I'd like to search with you, specifically."
I blinked, unsure if I understood him correctly and glanced to his hand still hovering, palm up.
"You want to pair our searches? You and me?" I asked, my voice sounded as confused as I felt.
"It's a selfish request, for several reasons I'm not sure how to explain." Robin sighed, his hand still motionless before me, "But the most important reason is because I don't understand what's happening between us. You make me want to be better."
Robin took another step towards me, his outstretched hand now within reach.
"You have the ability to confront the shitty things I've done and make me question what kind of person I've become."
Unable to respond and distracted by the motion of his lips as he spoke, I didn't notice when he had taken another step closer to me.
"Yes, I complicated our friendship on pure impulse, and I'm not sorry about it. Frankly, I want nothing more but to complicate our friendship further."
"What?" I choked out, unable to make sense of my scattered thoughts with him so close to me.
"We're not children anymore. We haven't been for some time…" His breathy words trailed off, unfinished with purpose.
His words froze me in place for two beats of shocked silence.
A creeping icicle tingled down my spine, and the cabinets in the kitchen exploded to my left. My powers blasted shards of plates that tapped the toe of my shoe and scattered around us. Robin made no motion. With his outstretched hand now in-between us, he stood a foot away from me.
"That's definitely getting annoying." I remarked breathless, unable to contain my shock at my own thought being spoken aloud to me, again. I recalled thinking this exact line earlier in censure when the other's stormed out of the common room. Follow the righteous herd, I'd thought to myself. Maybe I should have.
My breath slowed under the weight of his gaze.
Before I wasn't sure how much he could hear from me. He'd said at the café that he could only hear inclinations, not full fucking sentences to repeat verbatim. What else was he hearing?
"Can't you hear me?" He asked me in response. My eyes widened.
"You're silent to me." I answered honestly.
Robin's eyebrows rose in genuine surprise. This gave me some relief as it meant my mind still had some blocks put in place.
"I told you. I can only hear you when you allow it." I clarified, my eyes still wide in my shock.
"I have been able to hear you and what you're feeling for weeks." He stated in a calm tone.
I blanched, unable to respond as he continued, "I've seen dreams, felt your fears, lived your memories, and heard whispers of desires-"
"-I get it." I snapped, feeling my cheeks beginning to burn as my relief dissipated. The faucet to the kitchen sink groaned as it bent out of shape from my powers. I tried to wrangle back my focus.
"I can feel it in my stomach when you repress your emotions," He began again, his words sounding like a direct line to his thoughts, "and when you lock them up tight to regain your control. Except, you don't seem to have to with me." He observed thoughtfully, more to himself than to me.
"I think the cabinets would disagree." I managed to remark through my teeth as more glass shattered nearby.
"You're overloading yourself. If you just let me-"
"Enough Robin!" I interjected as he motioned to grasp my hand.
I shook my head in an effort to clear it, "Unless you want this room to be unrecognizable, I suggest you take a step back and give me space!"
He ignored me and took one measured step closer.
His outstretched hand moved to brush his fingers against my burning cheek. The moment his fingertip grazed my cheek, my eyelids fluttered under their effect.
Robin's touch sagged with a numbing sensation that tingled through my body, down to my toes. It unlocked an ability to ignore my urgent need to hide my growing blush. My head felt heavy, and my neck swiveled under the weight. Fighting against the urge to close my eyes, I leaned into his touch, unable to deny myself their Novocain comfort.
Robin's touch sang in my mind, ringing all the pleasant chimes in a soothing ballad. I watched with heavy eyelids as Robin's eyes closed, his fingers pausing mid-caress on my cheek.
"I can't..." He murmured to himself, his fingers resuming their caress.
"Can't what?" I heard myself ask through heavy lips, unable to command my own hand as it reached to interlock with his fingers on my face.
Without answering, Robin closed the space between us and kissed me again. This time with an unexpected urgency that startled the heavy fog out of my mind.
Surprised by the intensity of his passion, and the abrupt kiss, I found my hands resting on his dried muddy shoulders. His delicate hands held my face, cradling me as he pressed his lips to mine, soft and commanding. My uncoordinated hands roamed over his body, and my senses focused on Robin's feathery touch. My hands found their way up his sculpted back, massaging his neck, exploring.
Then my powers encased us in our embrace, and we fell.
My back landed on something soft and cushioned. It could have been clouds or a pile of silken wool, maybe even the sofa in the common room if the cushions felt like satin. Which they didn't.
This felt like feathers covered in the smoothest cotton. Soft and plushy. It had to be a bed, and I knew with absolute certainty that it was not mine.
This fact snapped me out of the moment, the impossible moment of Robin's lips on mine, and I found my strength as I shoved hard on Robin's chest, breaking our kiss.
I felt my power trilling underneath my fingertips and our eyes locked.
For one solitary moment, I felt afraid. My fear welled at the unknown environment and the absurdity of Robin and I kissing again. It heightened from the feel of his warm hands on me, and the weight of his body on me… and I lost it.
But the most remarkable thing happened. Nothing!
My fear peaked to the highest degree, a degree I had never allowed myself to feel. But nothing exploded. My powers did not lash out. They did not blast or hurt Robin as I feared they would. Everything remained intact.
In fact, still draped on top of me with my hand pushing against his chest, Robin stayed very still and silent.
"Where are we?" I managed to gasp once my breath slowed enough.
"My room."
His answer sounded so calm, so direct and confident that I felt my fear spike again. And again, my powers did not manifest.
I felt my skin crawl. Ice lodged in my stomach in the grandest form of anxiety and dread I had ever experienced. I didn't know how to stop it.
I couldn't remember how to breathe, and my lungs pulled air in and out in ragged spurts. I couldn't feel the beat of my heart, only a frantic pulsing deep in my chest that made sweat dew on my forehead.
Without a word, Robin lifted himself off me, and pulled my trembling form erect onto his bed. He sat on the side of his bed, his feet flat on the floor, and pulled me into his arms on his lap. My knees curled underneath me as I leaned onto him, my eyes fixed on the zipper of his dirty jacket.
"It's ok. Just breathe with me."
"Why are you so calm?" I heard myself ask, unable to feel the words leave my lips. My entire face felt numb.
"Well, I think I teleported us here." He answered as he stroked my back, "I-I'm tapping into something."
"Something?"
He pulled back to look into my eyes, and in one swift movement, he peeled away his mask and tossed it behind us.
My eyes met ice blue pools of color surrounding his pupils with a force of their own, like sunlight shining through to the darkest depths of the ocean. Gravity no longer held me to the ground or the bed I kneeled onto.
Gravity held me to Robin's cerulean eyes.
"I'm tapping into your essence, into a part of you." His eyes narrowed, his frustration palpable, "I don't understand it either, but I feel everything. I'm taking everything. That I understand."
I blinked, trying to make sense of what he was saying and not lose myself in his eyes. But an icy shard of dread in my stomach twisted, and my hands began to tremble.
"Emotional blackhole." I mumbled through trembling lips, and rested my head on his shoulder again.
Robin chuckled without humor and nodded. I felt his hand stroke my dirt-encrusted arm, an attempt to ease my taught and quivering muscles.
I had never experienced so much panic, for so long. The numbness in tandem with a racing heart, shortness of breath, and a quivering body, felt like a vice grip of near death. I felt my head tilt slightly, swaying for a moment as my eyes unfocused. I sucked in a deep breath. When would this pass? Was I dying?
My entire life, all I'd known to do was prevent the emotions. All my meditation techniques were useless after the fact. What was I to do when they took over and set roots?
"Make this go away." I begged Robin, squeezing my eyes closed for a moment to match his slow breath. Unable to calm my own thrumming heart.
"This might last awhile, I'm afraid." He murmured, "Just focus on your breath." his stroking moved to my back, massaging along the way.
"Just take it away. Like you did before." I craved his novocain touch.
He paused, appearing to deliberate for a moment, and then shrugged to himself, "Hm, must be shock."
"Shock? I'm going into shock?"
Robin chuckled, and I felt him moving to reposition me, "Or a panic attack. I've never seen you so pale."
He laid me down gently on my back, and I felt my head rest gently on a pillow. A thin and hefty blanket covered me; the fabric reminded me of the finest cashmere.
"I'm sorry if this is too much." Robin warned and moved to lay down next to me.
He laid on top of the blanket that covered me and rested his arm across my side. His hand nestled between my shoulder and neck, "I'm going to monitor your vitals. Just the basics, we can check your blood pressure later if you get worse."
A chuckle slipped out as I thought, Dr. Robin. Come to save the damsel in distress. The damsel would be grateful if she didn't find it so sad. But I am no damsel.
"I'm no doctor." Robin stated abruptly, his tone countering the sarcastic drawl of my thoughts.
I fought to stop myself from hyperventilating.
Don't do that, I thought anxiously. Robin did not respond to my thoughts this time.
The warmth of Robin's body helped ease the icicle of dread in my stomach. Though my powers weren't accessible to me, I forced my mind to focus elsewhere and to appreciate the peacefulness of Robin's room.
I listened to the gentle hum of a computer nearby and breathed in a faint whiff of something rich and fragrant in the air. Somewhere in my mind, I decided it smelled expensive, not quite like cologne or an air freshener. Maybe a hint of incense or something floral. I managed to suck in one long drawn-out breath to try and discern the scent.
"That's good. Keep doing that." He encouraged as I felt pressure from his finger press on my neck. My heartbeat momentarily increased and then calmed after a few seconds.
"It smells good in here." I say after my pulse relaxed a little.
"You sound surprised." Robin remarked. I could hear the smirk in his tone.
"I never did take you for the floral type." I let my eyes close, and inhaled deeply through my nose, "And that's no Febreze candle."
"Alfred would never." Robin muttered. He moved his hand from my neck to rest on my shoulder again.
"What is it?" I asked inhaling again, slower this time.
"It's still a little high." Robin answered, misunderstanding my question.
I released one throaty chuckle, and clarified it wasn't my pulse I was asking about and inquired again what the source of the scent was.
"Potpourri." He answered, "Alfred probably made it himself."
"Potpourri?" I repeated dryly, turning my head to look him in his electric eyes. Must be a rich people thing.
Robin smirked, his eyes buzzing, "My father is Bruce Wayne. Febreze would be an insult to the name."
I felt my lips clam up, attempting to stifle the surge of emotion I felt well up from my throat to his comment. But I also wondered why I was holding anything in at all.
Robin wasn't born with alien heritage, or a curse like me. That fact alone should have blasted him across the city as soon as we impossibly landed on his bed. When he impossibly teleported us with my powers.
Robin had actually teleported us to his room. With powers he doesn't own.
What else was impossible?
I answered my own question by forcing my face to relax and fought the urge to suppress my lips from spreading in what must have been a wild smile. Without one ounce of worry, I laughed, feeling it escape from my throat, and letting it bubble from deep within my gut.
Robin let me laugh until my giggles died down.
There was a soothing sense left between Robin and I, in a way that had always been present, but uncharted. Despite the strange reality of laying in Robin's bed next to him, with his arm draped over me. I felt comforted.
"You look better." Robin noted, resting his head on a pillow.
"For the moment." I agreed, "I can't promise this won't happen again if you keep teleporting us." Or repeating my thoughts, I finished mentally.
"On the contrary, I think it's deeper than that." Robin paused again, deliberating, "But I agree, I'll try not to. If I can help it." He finished uncertainly.
"What do you mean by 'it's deeper than that'?"
"I'm an emotional blackhole." He answered immediately, the words sounding foreign on his tongue, "I haven't quite worked out what triggers the spells. Sometimes I just feel a well of energy and it takes over."
"Something about you is canceling out my powers." I speak aloud, voicing my train of thought, "maybe you're taking them. Either way, this isn't a good thing, Robin."
"How long have you noticed something was wrong?" Robin asked, his eyes scanning my face.
"Missing. Not wrong." I corrected as I looked to him. I opened my eyes wide for him to search them openly.
"I stopped being able to read you." I paused to appreciate the sparkle in his eyes, "In the beginning, I could still feel your sorrow. And pain. Then I started losing sleep, then concentration, and now control."
"Do you notice any positive feedback?" Robin's eyes penetrated deeper into my own, searching. I had to avert my eyes for a moment to answer his question properly.
"I can experience my emotions without any energy releasing. You were right, I can do it when you're touching me, it appears."
Robin didn't respond to me, instead, he stared blankly into my eyes as if this answered an internal question he hadn't said aloud.
"It's actually quite peaceful." I continued when he didn't respond, "and scary. But a welcome scary." My thoughts lingered on the memory of being unstable. It was the reason I kept my face and tone lifeless for years and having to strap my emotions down. Odd that it only took one person to unravel it all.
"How long has that been happening?" Robin asked, his eyes guarded.
His question felt like a direct response to my train of thought, rather than my spoken statement. This caused my anxiety to spike for a moment, and then I remembered to take a deep breath.
"Dinner." I answered.
Our eyes met, and I knew we were thinking of the same moment. The near atom bomb at the café earlier today.
The swirling vortex of pressure that had mounted in Robin's chest. The one that nearly swallowed him whole before I gathered my bearings and snatched him out of the void with my raven's claw. That was the last I'd connected with him mentally.
The uneasy fact: I knew Robin could hear every thought I was thinking, every emotion I was feeling, before I could discern it myself. There was no need to hide or censor my thoughts, or at least no point to it now that they were being blasted through a megaphone to him.
I did not have a choice. Not with his eyes watching me, examining me thoughtfully. Those cerulean eyes, eyes that could probably give a new meaning to the color blue.
Robin cleared his throat and moved his gaze away from mine.
Despite the uneasiness I experienced from the invasion of privacy, and the clear window he had to the inner workings of my mind, I laughed at his reaction.
"It's not fun being empathic, is it?" Or telepathic?
His eyes moved to mine again as I said this, and I thought I saw him twitch from my added thought. He did not reply to either statement.
"It's heightened our link in such a way I didn't think was possible." I mused.
"You're not upset." He stated this in the tone of a question and a confirmation. 'Why aren't you upset?' Was how I interpreted his statement.
I didn't answer him because I frankly didn't know how to say it.
As horribly vulnerable as I felt, I was beginning to see this connection may not be a curse, but a gift. Instead of searching for the incomplete words to graze a fraction of how I truly felt, I decided not to.
I closed my eyes, inhaled deeply, letting the floral potpourri fill my nostrils and I dropped all confusion. The doubt washed out of me, and relief surged through as an answer. I allowed myself to let Robin feel my sense of calm and unbridled joy of being able to simply feel.
No fear, no frustration. Just the pure ecstasy of having someone completely understand me, through and through. I didn't have to answer and fear of being misunderstood.
In this moment, Robin knew exactly how I felt, and why; all with just a breath in my chest and a gentle hum in my mind.
Part of me still wanted to hold onto my control. It wanted to grip onto the unease that rumbled in my gut: What was the true nature of Robin's mind-reading abilities? But at this point, only transparency could help us, and I held nothing back.
Even if that meant that he could feel how my skin tingled where his hand lingered on my neck. Or hear how, to me, his eyes seemed to glow in their vibrancy, and even more so in the dark. His eyes made my pulse stutter, something he didn't need to read in my mind to feel.
Robin did not comment how my skin warmed where he touched me. He did not ask why his presence, to me, seemed to soothe like a caress. He did not pull away and mutter an excuse to leave or attempt to fill the silence with aimless banter. Instead, Robin boldly touched his forehead to mine, all while keeping contact with my eyes until our skin touched.
Robin heard everything and stayed. That alone gave me the purest sense of relief and comfort. He knew, and he still tried to give me my privacy.
I roamed through all the emotions I'd felt the past few days and lingered on the ones I'd fought to suppress, the formidable ones that I denied and rejected my entire life.
Anger, bravery, happiness, fear, determination, excitement, worry; I let them flow, crash into each other, pulse, and release to cycle through again.
I felt my lips stretch across my face, allowing the hints of emotion to bloom.
I readjusted myself slightly keeping our foreheads connected, turning my body towards him under the blanket to get comfortable as I sifted again, starting with anger, and ending with the present feeling in my gut.
I felt my grin widen.
We could have laid together for hours or days in the comfort of his warm bed, pleasant scents, and companionship. But there was only one thing I knew for certain.
I'd for once experienced true bliss. After all these years, I'd finally felt freedom.
x X x
AN: Hope you enjoyed! :)
