Chapter 19
My Immortal
Levi sat under his covered patio with his knees tucked to his chest wearing nothing but a pair of blue boxers as with trembling hands he lit another cigarette from the one he just finished. The sky was pitch black, and he could not even see into his back yard with the thick water curtain made by the heavy rain storm. It was 0300hrs, and the dense cascade droned out all other sounds in the world. However, he hardly even noticed that. He was too deep in his own mind fighting with a demon he never faced before. And it was the most frightening of his life.
Before an hour ago, it had been close to ten years since Levi had shied even one tear. But now, like the rain, they poured forth without his control. And he felt truly broken. 'What the hell is wrong with you? These are just dreams. They are only dreams.' He curled his head onto the top of his knees before he sobbed out, "He's not real, Levi. Not real." His hands gripped his calves in an attempt to control the termers erupting from his body. But it was no use.
Tonight, Levi had awakened in tears from a dream that seemed to own his very heart and soul. As the weeks had passed, each dream had become more vivid, move intense, more real than the last. The past few nights the dreams had gotten so amazing that he actually looked forward to falling asleep for once. For in his new dream world, he got to share his life with the most amazing person he had ever known: A lover that fit so intimately perfect into all his imperfections his life became something of value to him if only to be able to touch his brat.
Levi had never even dared to believe that two people could actually feel such a deep and meaningful adoration for each other. What he felt in the dreams was something so profoundly beautiful; he had thought humans incapable of even feeling such a connection with another person ever. There was no logic to what brought and kept them together except that at their very primal core they were the exact same monster. Alone, they were lost in darkness, but together, their hells burned so hot it turned into light.
Their love was on a totally singular plane of existence that took the form of obsessive possession. For each actually possessed the other's heart, body, and soul. All of it. It was both a voluntary and a forceful exchange. But neither cared because whatever was lost in self was gained in the other. Both simultaneously gave all of themselves to the other as well as took everything the other had—and they did till the very end.
Levi had been watching a shirtless man chopping wood behind a small rustic cabin in the woods. He was still amazed by the transformation of the youth to this tall muscular man. There was no sign of the awkward boy that he took control of eight years ago.
A tinge of pain twisted through Levi's heart, and his feet carried him to his younger lover. Timing his movements just right not to get hit by the axe, Levi wrapped his arms around the man's waist and pressed his head into a strong, damp back. "I think that's enough wood for now."
A smile came to the brunet's face, and he overlapped one of his hands over Levi's. "You say that, but I'm not going to be the one who is going to be cold if we run out of firewood during the night."
Levi hummed, rubbing his nose into the crease of the man's spine, enjoying the unique scent he'd come to cherish. "But that's what I got you for. To keep me warm with that hot ass body of yours."
The taller male put down the axe and turned in Levi's arms while wrapping his arms around the shorter male to face him. His smile fell when he looked into Levi's eyes. "What's wrong?"
A small smirk pulled at Levi's lips before he shook his head. "It's nothing."
"Other people might believe you, but I know you too well to know it's not nothing. Tell me what's wrong."
"It's nothing that a kiss or two won't fix."
"Just one or two? I think I can do better than that." The taller man bent down and passionately claimed Levi's lips, leaving no doubt that he, in fact could, and would do better.
As their mouths took delight in the taste of the others, Levi felt that familiar heat rush through his body, and he threw his arms around his lover's neck, pulling him in even closer. Soon after, he felt two large hands slide down his backside and firmly grip his ass. Excited anticipation flashed over his skin before he was lifted off his feet and he hooked his legs around the man's hips. Once again reminded at how much larger and older the other had grown, Levi kissed him back with a desperate hunger. He didn't give any complaint when his lover started walking them towards the cabin while their bodies became even more heatedly entangled.
Levi was grateful that he had left the door open earlier when he went to meet the brunet currently carrying him inside. There was a pause as the taller man kicked the door closed behind him before he marched them to their bedroom a short distance away. Levi twisted his hand up, and he took delight in the long chocolate locks as he undid the tie holding them up. His lover had grown out his hair solely for Levi to have more to grab hold of when the older man powerfully claimed him in their throes of passion. Almost with a purr, he entwined and tightened his fingers in the wispy brown tresses. Some parts of Levi might have gotten gentler over the years, but not the way he made love.
The demand he put on his lover's body, from any position, was nothing short of obsessed. Countless times he had broken down the beautifully strong lover in his arms to the point of also breaking down his mind only to build it back up afterwards to do it all over again later. And his brat took it all in with a welcomed relish. But Levi knew that he was not the only one obsessed. From the very beginning, his lover had not only demanded Levi's body but also his soul. And Levi saw this every time they played one of their twisted love games. The boy would purposely dig himself deeper and deeper under Levi's skin with each passing encounter that Levi had no choice but to accept the boy as a part of his own flesh, and thereby, fortifying his claim over every inch of the older man.
Levi firmly yanked back the hair wrapped in his hand, disconnecting their mouths for him to latch onto his lover's neck. He lavished it with affections from his tongue and teeth, biting into it hard before soothing the mark with his wet appendage as his other hand clawed to securely, yet fervidly, embed around his lover's back for support.
The arms holding Levi's body tightened as he felt the frame supporting him shake. "Nnnmmm… if you keep that up, I won't be able to hold back."
With a hand still solidly anchored in the chocolate locks, Levi tugged them backwards, and he shifted, pulling his weight up, which tore an erotic whine from the tantalizing lips he could never get enough of. And darkly, he looked into his lover's eyes. "Have I ever asked you to?"
The taller man's breath hitched only for it to stagger as his body trembled from memory and promise; then with a raspy voice, he replied, "Never."
A split second later their mouths were once again joined together in a rough passionate kiss that included tongues, teeth, and lips. Levi's whole body tingled as he ravenously took and gave elated cardinal pleasure. Levi squeezed his thighs around Eren's waist and rutted his aching erection on the hard abdomen of his lover, displaying both his impatience and need, to only further accentuate his lust with a deep moan at the contact.
With Levi wrapped around the other so tight, the shifter had no problem supporting his lover as he crawled all the way into their bed. He dropped Levi's head on the pillows and he dropped his body on top of the noirette. Both men let out a groan as their bodies deliciously collided with the other. The brunet's hands rushed up and slid underneath Levi's long sleeve white shirt, hastily demanding removal of the hindering garment, displaying just how urgent his need was. In those rare moments when the younger would get more worked up than Levi even could, the brunet would be overcome with a single minded urge to taste every inch of Levi's skin with his mouth and being completely unable to stop until he had bathed his lover with his tongue from head to toe.
This ritual had first seemed very strange even to Levi until the day he finally figured why the boy did it. It became a compulsive ritual that Levi could never seem to get the shifter to break, not even when he expended gratifyingly painful deterrence tactics and restraints. It was a mix of a lot of things, which was why Levi didn't understand it at first, but once he did he never again held the boy back. Unexpectedly, the reason the brunet had to compulsively mark every inch of Levi's skin in a cardinal worship was for nothing more than self-reassurance that his lover was still alive and unharmed. From repeatedly witnessing the deaths of loved ones all too often triggered the boy to develop a need to make sure the one person he required, his most important person, was still very much alive and well. And when Levi finally figured out that this was why, he silently cried in relief because it was proof of how much the brat did love and need him—which was exactly as much as Levi loved and needed him—rewriting the ritual that had once drove him crazy to become a testimony of their devotion.
As his shirt was completely shed off his body, Levi tossed his head back on the pillow and covered his eyes with an arm, knowing fully well of what was to come, and he welcomed it with every part of his being. He felt like he was melting in a sea of complete adore as his lover traced the muscular curves of his neck, chest, then abs with his hot, desirous fingertips before his lips followed in wet, fierily kisses all the way down Levi's body, aggressive attentions leaving red patches against alabaster skin. When the brunet bit into Levi's side, the feeling instantly pulsed straight to Levi's dick, and he arched up from the bed and exhaled a wide-mouth silent scream before falling back on the mattress, panting heavily.
His lover, finally satisfied after tasting Levi's entire torso, with both hands gripped and spread Levi's thighs to accommodate the width of his built chest and shoulders before every so smoothly, laid down on his stomach in between Levi's legs. The ex-titan's mouth resumed to descend hotly over Levi's skin and nibbled on his hip, sending a low string of obscenities to fly out of the noirette's mouth, in turn causing the shifter's lips to pull up in a triumphant smile. The brunet then swiftly took Levi's cock into his mouth and sucked it down so fully into his throat it appeared as if it was the brunet's lips which originated from Levi's body and not the hardened rod appendage held within it.
Levi saw bright stars of heated pleasure burst over his eyes before shooting down to his toes while his zealous lover swallowed multiple times around Levi's embedded cock. "FFFUuuccK…. Curse your—Ahhh… lack of a—Mmm… gag reflex." He gasped, before he found a bit of control. "If you keep that up…Shit… I won't last much longer."
The other male slowly but firmly sucked up the sensitive, erect shaft before letting go of the tip with a wet pop. "That's fine. I want to wring you dry until you have nothing left."
"Greedy fucking brat."
"But you made me this greedy fucking brat, Heichou."
Levi's balls tightened and sent a sharp pulse of a darker arousal to shatter throughout his body from being called his previous rank; the mischievous mockery of the title meant, as always, that his lover was in one of his insatiable rapacious moods. Levi entangled his fingers tight in the smooth, yet unruly tresses of his lover's crown and wrenched his face a bit closer to stare at him with lustfully adorned filled eyes. "No, I didn't make you greedy. I only fed you."
"When what you're feeding me is you, I'll never have enough. Feed me again, my love. Because I'm still starving."
The very exquisite, very familiar, glow in his lover's eyes made Levi's heart stop before it pounded erratically as his body trembled. Those perfect, shining green orbs were the eyes of a predatorily beast and held the promise of unrelenting passion. Either ignoring or relishing the strong grip Levi still had on his hair, the ex-subordinate tugged his head back down, and he expertly deep throated the entirety of Levi's manhood, swallowing it whole.
Levi tightened his fist around his lover's hair before he threw his head back down on the pillow and once again covered his face with his other arm as he got lost in the feeling of his lover devouring his shaft with a pulsing inhibition. "Ahhh…Fucking…cock…hungry…brat…" As the brunet robustly sucked and swallowed around his dick, Levi began to hyperventilate from the insanely amazing pleasure shooting from his core and shocking the rest of his frame with ecstatic lighting. From the exuberant engagement of his lover, Levi felt like he was going to be devoured by the monster between his legs. But belatedly, he realized his fear of being eaten alive by a titan had already happened years ago—the first time he let the brunet have him in his titan form.
In those initial seconds, Levi had actually felt a surge of fear when he stared down a titan while stripped of all his gear. But reminding himself that it was his lover inside of there, he had experienced an arousing awakening equal to the fear. And in that same moment, he put his life in the shifter's hands, granting them equal power over each other. Consequently, the metamorphosis that followed had shattered Levi into an ocean of blissfully addicting chaos of which there was no return.
The rapture felt by his dick drew his thoughts back to the present before the pleasure laced his mind, leaving him with no awareness of much else.
Slowly with an open palm, his lover massaged his hand over Levi's upper thigh, abs, and chest until it fell off Levi's shoulder then onto the mattress before snaking its way underneath his pillow. After a few seconds of movement, he pulled back his hand now grasping a small vile of a yellow-greenish liquid substance.
The brunet dragged his hand over the bed on the side of his lover. Once he had the bottle down to his chest, not removing his mouth from around Levi's erection, he crawled his knees up to sit on his heels, his back creating an arched space between his legs and his head that was lazily pumping up and down in long slurps on his once captain's thick rod.
Lost in bliss, Levi was still muttering lustfully with his arm over head covering his eyes. Therefore, he didn't notice the movements of his partner maneuvering his hands to come together under the taller man's chest.
Unnoticed by the noirette, the younger man uncapped the bottle and poured some of the slick substance into one of his hands before putting the stopper back on the glass container. He then rubbed two fingers of his other hand in the palm with the liquid until a generous amount dripped from his digits before smearing the remaining liquid onto his own harden sex. With his mouth still very full, he picked his head up until lips were curled around Levi's plumed tip. While forcefully sucking, he swirled and laved his tongue over the tip at the slit distracting his lover as he spread his thighs farther apart.
"Fuck, that feels good." Levi tightened his hand still in his lover's hair as pleasure racked over his body like a warm blanket of ecstasy. Levi's hips twitched a little when he felt something wet and warm massage his puckered ring before he relaxed into the touch, understanding fully well what was to come next. He gasped when he felt one of his lover's lubed fingers slide inside of him before the larger man pulled and pushed it in and out at a slow rhythm; Levi hummed at the half painful half pleasurable sensation from the long finger pushing deep into his ring. However, his lover took his time with this initial preparation, and little by little all pain faded away, replaced by pure pleasure.
Even with as rough and hard his young lover always begged Levi to take him, contrastingly, the boy had always been naturally a gentler lover when he topped. It just might have been from inexperience with taking that role or a feeling of either intimidation or adoration which he had for Levi that led the teen to using caution when filling his captain. Nevertheless, the boy had learned over the years exactly what pleasured Levi the most, and it was surprisingly inverse to the way he loved the man to take him. But that didn't mean that Levi didn't want to be taken rough, or, better said, needed to be taken rough sometimes. There were times that Levi required the extra stimulation to be reminded that he was still alive; though, his threshold for sexualized pain was still nowhere near what the other could take and wanted. His brat always demanded and craved for Levi to take and punish him as hard as Levi physically could, and the darkest part of Levi was more than happy to grant the boy's request.
The aching slow pace of his now adult brat reminded Levi that his lover loved to take his time and watch Levi become a whimpering mess before he finally took him as of late. It's not that the two of them never enjoyed making love before; it was just uncommon to be this regular. In their time together, they had made sweet, soft, and passionate love to each other on many occasions from either position. But over the course of the past few weeks, when the burnet took the lead he had liked things to be just a bit softer and caressing, though Levi didn't have a problem with that. Any kind of touch from the taller man could always make his heart rush and heat his body up. It was just not their usual harder instinctive style.
As the shifter pushed his second finger in, Levi was more than ready for it as he moaned from the larger, longer finger filling his tight port, stretching him wider while it shanked all the way to the knuckle, embedding both fingers inside his delicate passage. The way the brunet twisted his fingers inside him, caressing everywhere around, but never touching, his p-spot—because the shitty brat knew exactly where to find it—was making Levi grow rapidly impatient with the need to have the younger moving deeper inside of him, filling and stroking his sensitive walls until the pleasure was too much and he would explode. Just when Levi was about to go mad from the sweet torture and start barking about the lack of stimulation, the shifter's fingers pushed up hard on Levi's pleasure button as his mouth inhaled Levi's dick to the base.
Sizzling pleasure instantly engulfed Levi, and he sat up to then added a second hand to fist and wrench chocolate locks with all the force he could muster. The brutal tactic caused the man between his legs to go completely still as Levi's body shook with tension, breathing as if all the air had been taken out of the room. Even as the time stretched out farther and farther, the larger male did not move one millimeter or showed any indication that he wanted to. It was like he had become a living statue while he heeled to his master's command. As the minutes ticked, he continued his powerful hold on the man's hair while his breathing slowly returned to normal and willed his muscles to relax.
After some time, Levi eventually released his hold on his lover's locks, and only then did the younger man finally show signs of movement. Gently, he withdrew his fingers and pulled his lips from Levi's still very firm erection.
"Shit! I told you to slow down a minute. I don't want to cum just yet."
"Why not? Don't think you can keep up with me tonight, old man?"
"Tch—fucking brat," Levi said under his breath. Feeling slightly embarrassed he answered, "No, I just want you to be inside of me when I cum."
"Oh." The brunet responded as he searched heated steel eyes, for it was out of the ordinary for Levi to make such a request.
Staring back into breathtaking green eyes Levi replied, "#%# , make love to me."
With a smile that made Levi's heart flitter, the other man reached up cupping the nape of Levi's neck and with soft lips he embraced the noirette hard with a closed mouth kiss. Eagerly, Levi drowned in all the love displayed in the kiss, and he returned the sensual touch, slipping his fingers around brown locks and putting all the love he felt in his heart, body, and soul.
For the next a few seconds, only the sound of deep nasal breathing could be heard in the room as the two stayed intertwined in their pact of pleasure and love. As the kiss transformed into arousing hunger, the brunet slowly pushed Levi back down to the pillows, and Levi responded by pulling his knees higher and farther apart, allowing his lover the space needed while he moved to top him. Levi then wrapped his arms around his lover's shoulders, fingers lightly pulling along the well-defined muscles under heated skin and deepened the kiss by sliding his tongue into the other's mouth.
Now lying completely on top of the smaller man, the shifter grasped high on his ex-captain's hip and passionately slid his hand down to Levi's ass, closing all the distance between their bodies. As their flesh collided, Levi turned his head to the side, disconnecting his entangled lips, and let out a moan. The younger then started to kiss down Levi's jaw before moving up to his ear and took it into his mouth where he lightly sucked and nibbled at the cartilage shell.
Levi slid his fingers down his lover's shoulders to his arms and grasped tightly around strong biceps as his lover wreaked havoc on his earlobe. His ears were his weak spot, and his bratty lover had always known that. "Oh God, #%# , I need you. I need you now."
The brunet didn't say one word, only releasing the lobe and started to kiss and suck the noirette's neck behind the ear. His dick was hot, red, and hard, the mushroom tip weeping in an aching need to fill Levi's moist, stretched ring to the brim. He released the hand that had been grasping Levi's ass, brought it between their bodies and guided his erection to the small soft entrance.
When the damp crown found purchase in the pink muscled hole, both men cried out in pleasure before their lips joined again. Pushing his hips forward as he held Levi firmly in place at the waist, the titan buried himself in small, slow, but constant thrusts as their mouths remained relishing the taste of each other's. Once fully inside to the hilt, the younger paused only for a moment before he began to sensually roll his hips as he swirled his rod in and around Levi's slick juicy walls. The duel need to have the other was electrifying, as hands raced up and down both bodies. Soon both men were kissing with tongues and teeth and breathing in ragged, shallow breaths from not having enough air but too enraptured to care.
The kiss was so deep and passionate Levi could hardly breathe. Clinging to his lover, his fingers once again sampled the skin he craved over his own life. His lover gently gyrated his long flesh rod deeply inside of Levi's ass, and the languid pace was painfully delicate yet endearing, causing a silken heat to blanket both Levi's body and soul. Levi rolled his hips up, meeting the impaling force at a new angle, and was rewarded with a sizzling erotic fire that spread from his inner core until it reach the top of his head and the tips of his toes. He dug his fingers in deeper as he broke the suffocating kiss and threw his head farther back into the pillow. "Ahh… #%# ... There…more." he panted, unable to fully voice his pleasure as his lungs fought his words for the much needed air.
"Always my love," the brunet breathed in a husky voice. "You own everything I can give." He slid one long arm between Levi's left hip and the bed, supporting the body beneath him at just the right angle to bring it the most pleasure. Adding a little more force, his hard organ oscillated wantonly around tight walls and rubbed vigorous pressure along his lover's pleaser bulb.
"Unnng… Fuck Yessssss…your life… belongs to me…UNNNnnn... You are mine." The sheer strength of possessiveness in Levi's voice caused the man on top of him to tremble, reminding Levi just how much the shifter loved—no, needed—to be dominated. And that truth awoke the sexual desire in Levi that only the man in his arms could ever satisfy. One of his hands swiftly grasped long strands of brown and roughly yanked his lovers head sideways, exposing a long tan column of muscle flesh. With no hesitation, Levi struck like a snake and sank his teeth into his lover's neck, sucking hard as he bit down farther.
When sharp ivory pierced through the skin the larger man stilled his hips and panted, "Oh, Yess. God, Levi… Unnn."
Levi broke the latch. "Did I tell you to stop?"
"No sir." He said and he restarted the pumping of his hips, but this time with an urgency to please Levi on more than a physical level. The brunet knew he had appeased the noirette when the man once again sank his teeth into the skin even harder than before. "Ah… Yes…Levi… Levi… I love you…I love you so much…I love you…," he chanted again and again with the swift rhythm of his hips belting into his lover as the man viciously gnawed at his neck with a vice-like grip.
Thinking about the past today had made Levi need to feel the man now in his body in the same way he needed it after they had returned from a bad mission. The salty metallic nectar that dripped on his lips only reinforced the desire. And he knew the harder he pushed the shifter, the harder the brunet would push him in return. Levi wrapped his legs high around his lover's waist, opening himself wider to let the man plow into him with reckless force. While he clung tightly to the chanting man, his body and soul was infused by a billowing euphoria that smudged away every scar and rewrote his life anew. The only dark thing that was left was his greed to have more. With his feet crossed at the ankles and using most of his abs strength, he cycled his hips to meet his lover's thrust, quickly multiplying the moments of being completely filled. This faster pace was so powerful their bodies collided with recoil, but Levi refused to relinquish even an inch of his hold on the other man.
The rubber band movement jostled Levi's teeth that were still embedded in his lover's neck, causing them to slice deeper with each heated pass. It didn't take long for Levi to feel the body on top of him begin to tremble again, but blessedly this time the shifter did not stop.
"Oh God… Levi… I love you… I have always… loved you…" the brunet panted as he slammed his hips repeatedly into the man underneath him. As his body's trembling grew more to shaking, the shifter still did not stop his worship, or bring sweet bliss to the one that had become his everything, "… Levi Heichou… I love you…I love you… I love… you Levi… I… love… you…" but this time as he spoke his chanting voice became choked with the sound of tears.
In the many years that they had been together, Levi had never heard the brunet cry during sex—well, at least not from this position. Removing his mouth from a column of abused flesh, he leaned back down, and pulling his lover's face towards him, looked him in his watery eyes. When silver met emerald, Levi was so shocked to see such sadness in his lover's eyes that it stunned him still. As he sat frozen peering into glossy green, the brunet stopped the movement of his hips when he was fully buried deep inside Levi; however, the young man's body did not stop all motion for it continued to shutter and vibrate all around the noirette. Feeling his lover's cheek quiver under his palm, Levi looked softly at the brunet, "I love you too, brat."
However, Levi's words had the opposite effect that he was going far because it only made the man in his arms cry even harder. Concern flashed over Levi's face as he watched the man in his arms start to fall apart. "What's wrong?" he asked carefully, but without getting an answer, he then commanded, "Tell me."
His lover looked at Levi with eyes filled with tears, love, and remorse. He opened his mouth to try and obey Levi's demand, but the brunet could not get the words out around the tears. Taking a deep, gasping breath, he was finally able to find his voice. "Levi, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." Were all the words he could get out before his eyes poured like rain and his breathing was taken over by hyperventilation. He wrapped his arms tightly around Levi, and bent his head to the noirette's shoulder.
Levi was extremely confused by the apology. Was brunet apologizing about what had happened in the past? Because that had been long forgiven. Or was it something new that the brat needed to be forgiven for? "What do you have to be sorry about?"
With every tick of the clock, the large man child in his arms only cried harder, and Levi grew increasingly alarmed by his lover's distress. Pulling on the same nerves of steel that he used back when he had battled titans, he calmly assessed the situation. His lover seemed more upset than when he had pleaded with Levi to forgive him for almost destroying the world. Then Levi's eyes fell on his own chest, and he felt frost run through his veins. What he had assumed to be tears soaking his upper body was in fact blood; the bite marks on the shifter's neck had not healed as they normally would have been by now; instead the deep wound on the juggler seeped crimson in rivulets.
Panicked, Levi pushed up on his lover's shoulders, wanting to see his face. He took note that it was mostly his own strength that was supporting his lover up and the shifter looked even paler than him. Levi knew there was something seriously wrong. But he viciously squished down the first idea that popped into his mind before his own eyes began to water.
But before he got a chance to do anything, the brunet turned his head and body to the side, raising a hand to cover his mouth as he started to cough up blood. A lot of blood. Again and again. The tear filling his eyes poured like a fall as he heaved repeatedly until there was nothing left. Once the blood finally stopped spilling from his mouth, the shifter collapsed half way over Levi and the crimson soaked mattress.
'NO! NO! NO! GOD PLEASE NO!' Levi reacted instantly and raised the larger man up and cradled him in his arms. He turned the man to face him and disturbingly noted the heavy limp weight of his head as it rolled into the crook of his arm. Levi chillingly examined his lover's face, his vision studying blood stained lips followed to the pools of blood that appeared to be boiling on the bed. Horrified Levi observed the brunet was breathing in very shallow and labored wheezing breaths, the usually beautiful tan skin had turned into white ash, while once brilliant eyes faded to a hollowed mien Levi was all too familiar with.
It was the look of death.
Terror instantly solidified in every part of Levi's body, and he put his other hand on a red splattered chest and shook the frame in his arms, calling out with his own voice now cracking from tears. "Stay with me brat." As the man's eyes lazily closed, Levi became frantic, and he jostled the titan. "Dammit #%# look at me! Look at me!... Open your eyes, you little shit!" Levi didn't get any response. Instead, he noticed the man's breathing was getting weaker with every breath. Levi's body rocked back and forth of its own volition, his mind incoherently aware of the movement. "You promised me…You promised you would never leave me again!" His voice was squeaky from the pain but it was also filled with a powerful rage.
Levi's words seemed to finally reach the shifter because the brunet opened his eyes that had turned a muddy swamp color and unfocused scanned them in Levi's direction.
Levi shook his head rapidly from side to side. "No. No. You can't go yet… I love you… I love you so much… #%# ..." he hoarsely pleaded over his crying.
Weakly, the brunet slowly lifted up a hand and Levi grasped like a life line before he brought it to his wet face and held it to his cheek. The man's fingers felt like ice on his already cold skin.
"Damn it #%# "! You can't do this to me!" he desperately howled before he fell silent as his chest and shoulders quaked in sobbing anguish.
"Heichou… I love—"
"NO No No No no no. #%# no ….. Please don't go…I need you… I need you… please…" Levi begged for the first time in his life even though he knew it was futile. He held tight with all his strength to the lifeless body in his arms knowing that once he let go it would be real.
Even though they had saved their home, saved each other, they could not save the shifter from his fate. Although Ymir was gone and all the titans were defeated, the brunet could not outrun the thirteenth year curse that had burdened all shifters. It had always been a haunting possibility in the back of Levi's mind, but he had refused to acknowledge it. This was Eren's punishment for starting the war of titan's. After Eren's betrayal, although Levi said that he could do it, he could not bring himself to end the shifter's life. Instead, he had actually betrayed everyone as well and helped the titan escape to then run far away together. And for that act of selfishness this was his punishment for his betrayal—having to live a life without his brat.
The shell in his arms had long turned cold, but he continued embracing the only thing that had ever made his fucked up life worth living as he cried until he was unable to produce any more tears. As the minutes turned into hours, he sat in silence still holding his brat and felt completely numb.
After what felt like forever, staring blankly at the wall, he whispered aloud in a raw voice talking to his lifeless lover, "I never told you this. But remember that time when we were alone on night watch not long after we had made it to the outer wall by the ocean? It had been hours since everyone had gone to bed. The moon was so full and bright that night and standing on top of the wall we could see the light reflecting off the water's gentle waves. The image was so beautiful it just begged to be touched. And even though we had been there a few days already, I was still being a stubborn ass who refused to get in the water. But with the soft sound of the waves rolling back and forth on the shore, the steady light breeze blowing the smell of the salty air all around, it was hypnotically relaxing. And then I turned my head to the side and found that you were standing right next to me. Your shaggy hair flowing in the wind, and your eyes a darker shade of green but no less brilliant. And they were fixed on me with a mischievous smile. Looking up at you, the only thing I could think of was that you were breathtakingly mesmerizing and somehow you were mine. Then you put a finger under my chin and tilted my head up even higher. Your eyes staring deep into mine as you leaned down and kissed me so sickeningly sweet and gentle, I thought my heart was going to explode from being so filled, so loved." Levi closed his eyes; salty droplets slow but steady ran down his cheeks as he lowered his forehead to the corpse's one and pulled the memory of the kiss to the front of his mind's eye. "There's no way I'm not going to survive without you."
That was the last thing Levi remembered before he'd been awoken from sobs so hard he had no control of stopping them for hours.
By the time the clouds in the sky began to change to colors of purple and red, the rain had finally died down to a soft drizzle. But Levi was only vaguely aware of this fact. He sat in the exact same spot he had been sitting in for hours with his body randomly trembling every now and again. Though, by now, he was not sure if it was from having gotten damp while sitting out all night or if it was from his emotions. Even after being awake for hours and smoking an entire pack of Dunhill's, Levi, despite all his psychological training, still could not fully convince his mind, much less his heart, that the man that he had come to love more than his own life in the dream world had never existed.
The dream was all too real. For Levi felt his heart being ripped out of his chest, both in the dream world and then the real one, as he watched his most precious person die in his arms. His physical heart mirrored his emotional one, feeling completely broken, left with merely an empty shell as its contents had long ago evaporated away, and it now throbbed hollowly in desolate agony.
He desperately tried reasoning again with himself that the man could never have existed because he was simply too perfect. Everything the boy in his dreams did, even his reckless, stupid actions, was endearing to Levi. His imaginary brat never failed to fill Levi with infuriation and passion, and usually both at the same time, making every moment spent with the other feel like he was standing on the blade of a double edged sword—and the excitement was a rush.
Levi had unintentionally become a willing addict and the boy his drug. But the unbelievably beautiful part was that Levi didn't have to suffer those feelings alone. The brat fed on Levi's addiction, consuming it for his own existence, knowing that he was the cause and that only he was capable of giving Levi his next fix.
Their relationship was a complex web of power and subjugation dynamics that tangled around the rapier keeping both men balanced on the spine. And if either of them moved, it would cause the slippery metal to tilt and cut through the strings, slicing both men as they slid off the razor edges. There was an intrinsic codependence of each other with an independence of anyone and everyone else around them, living only for the other's survival. It was utter insanity; but it was utterly beautiful; and was exactly what Levi needed.
Levi shuttered at the thought.
Needed?
He could not believe that he had used that word and especially in that context. That was absurd. He wasn't such a weak person that he would ever need someone more than he needed air to breath. And that proved that his dreams could not be true. He hung onto this one sensible thought like a lifeline, and stretched it out as far as he could go with it. Though he always strived for it, there was no such thing as perfection in this world; therefore, there would never be someone he deemed perfect enough to ever "need". It was the reality of this fact that was causing him all this distress, and nothing more. He knew that genius was usually accompanied with some level of insanity. And damn did his mind always like to fuck with him. So he chose to concentrate on the one thing he knew was true about himself.
Strength.
He was stronger than the irrational games played in his mind. He had to be. He knew lingering on such nonsense would not do him any good. Been there, done that, not doing that again, fuck you very much. He had already spent way too much of himself, mourning the loss of something that could never have existed in the first place.
Fortifying his mind he chanted, "I am stronger than these dreams. I am stronger than these dreams. I am stronger than these dreams…" over and over again until he had enough willpower to get up from the patio chair. Levi ignored the achy weakness he felt throughout his body from being out all night in the rainy air and walked back into his house. With determination, he took the stairs to his bedroom, focusing on the task at hand. He would do like he always did: Take a hot shower, get dressed, and then go to work. Thank fuck it was Friday. Three classes and then over the weekend he would be free to practice all the self-care he needed or free to totally fall apart. Which one really didn't matter because in the back of his mind he knew that neither would make a difference. He felt it in every fiber of his being as sure as he felt the ground under his feet: a part of himself was missing.
Refocusing on his classes, his mind drifted to Eren, but he pushed that thought aside almost as fast as it came. Their exchange in his office two days ago had finally severed all personal ties he had with the teen. For better or for worse, all Eren was now was his student, and there was nothing that could change his mind on this. Finally grasping at least one thing he had complete control over, he used this power to ground himself back to the "real world" while he ignored the hollowness still stabbing at his chest.
A/N: Thoughts on this chapter: I have never written a chapter that was meant to contain as much emotions as this one was. But it was absolutely needed for the plot. So it became a personal challenge to see what I was capable of pulling out of myself. Interestingly, during some moments, it was actually painful for me to write the words. And I am not exactly sure how that affected this particular piece of work, except I don't think I went in as deep as I wanted. Needless to say, I am so happy to finally be passed this point of the story and am looking forward to the craziness/shenanigans that will soon follow.
Side Note: It's becoming totally clear that I have a problem with writing short chapters XD
Sorry its been so long since the last update. It has been a whirl wind of shit, both fugitively and literally. I finally found the right specialist to help with my hands. Turns out that it is not my hands that are the problem (the hands issues are just a symptom) it's the 4 injured disk in my neck. Then we get hit by the eye of CAT 4 Hurricane x.x Out of power for weeks, damage to practically EVERTYHING in the area, other things totally destroyed. Cellular phones AND EVEN underground old-school phone land lines were down for days. Little FYI, underground land lines should NEVER and are not to meant EVER go down. It is what every governmental emergency network is run on.
Luckily things are starting to get back to how they were before the storm; however very slowly.
And as always, your thoughts are welcomed and much enjoyed. Thanks for reading.
