Chapter 11: I'd give it all for a heart…

Cekay did find these wood elves very interesting, they had a completely different way of life than the one she had gotten used to in Menegroth and a very different attitude to life in general. They didn't sit there trying to gain influence or power, they didn't think ahead and make grand plans, to them the simple task of surviving the next day was all that mattered. The huts they lived in were primitive and could be abandoned without them loosing much and yet they did provide the elves with shelter and warmth when that was needed. Even their tools were the kind you could afford to lose and in spite of what others probably would refer to as poverty she saw that they were happy.

The only thorn in their side was Morgoth and his schemes and the orcs and she decided that she wanted to stay there, at least for a while to learn more about the lifestyle and to protect them if she could. The city of Menegroth was protected by Melian and CeKay didn't feel that she was needed there anymore, besides, her presence could bring unwanted attention if a certain someone learned of all the advanced knowledge she had given those elves. Here on the other hand she would do no such thing, these elves didn't need it. They were satisfied with what they had and the valleys and forests here were deep and hid them well. At first she felt a bit insecure around these elves, she didn't quite know how to behave and she tried sort of stay clear of the others as much as possible. But soon it became apparent that it wasn't an option at all, these were sociable people and they didn't allow anyone to fall off the grid, everyone knew everyone and she was pulled into the social life rather reluctantly.

The chief did send her out with the hunters and she didn't use her special skills at all, she hunted like an elf would and it felt good, it felt like a true challenge. She did her part and brought meat back to the camp and the females did teach her what plants and berries they used for food and which could be used for healing. Sometimes she had to baby sit the young ones and she found that she adored working with these young and fresh minds and that they sometimes asked questions which gave her a whole new way of seeing things. The tribe was a closely knit society and CeKay was afraid that she would interfere with it and change it in ways she didn't want. They treated her with respect, like one of their own and she appreciated it but wondered what they would think and feel if she told them the truth of what she was. She had been thinking hard lately, trying to explain herself and her own existence, not the fact that she had been created for she knew all about that but the way her mind did work, and how it had changed. She was no longer a creature of sheer logic, of cold calculations and rational decisions. More and more she found that she was being swayed by emotions, by a sort of curiosity she hadn't experienced before. It startled her at first, then she realized that she ought to embrace it, to widen her horizon and become more than she had been.

That in turn created new problems, there were emotions and then there were troublesome emotions, ones she couldn't accept. When she was out hunting Charadan was always by her side, like a silent shadow and he was very protective of her even if she was the one who shouldn't have to fear anything. It was sweet of him but she did find it annoying at times, in special when others were speaking to her and he sort of placed himself in between. She was no idiot, she knew all about biological creatures and their feelings and needs and yet, to suddenly become the attention of someone's interest like that almost freaked her out. What was she to say, what was she to do? She didn't want to hurt his feelings in any way and she was a bit flattered too by the awkward attempts at getting her attention. Charadan was one of the few unbound males of the tribe and CeKay sort of wished that they could meet some other clan so she could get his attention taken elsewhere.

The avarin tribes would sometimes meet but they lived far apart and had to hide and thus the meetings were far apart. CeKay did wonder if she really ought to leave after all, before Charadan developed some true feelings for her. She couldn't return his affection, it wouldn't be fair on any of them if she gave him hope. So she treated him with polite respect but tried to avoid him and she did nothing which could be interpreted as an attempt at encouraging his behaviour. The simple living there had its charms, and she didn't want to leave so she decided to endure and just hope that things would turn out the right way in the end.

But soon it became apparent that it wasn't that easy, she was a newcomer and even though everybody liked her the balance had been shifted. She was one extra sword arm and an extra hunter and she did her very best to become valuable to the tribe but it did have side effects. The work load lessened for the others because of her and that meant that they had spare time and she soon found that she was yet again becoming a teacher. This time she didn't try to teach anything advanced but she knew how to make baskets out of willow branches and reeds and as she sat there she listened to the gossip and the chit chat and felt a sort of belonging she hadn't experienced before.

Menegroth had been too large and the political play too devious and too hidden. Here things were so simple and easy to see and nobody tried to hide their true self. It was simply refreshing and she felt at home. It was odd but it was a new feeling to her. The ship had been a sort of a home but not a real one and it had been only temporary, she had known that all along. The thing had been old, the crew likewise and sooner or later she would have been sent to live with some other captain and crew.

The days passed by as they always do and before she really knew of it winter came. The tribe did move then, into some caves which were easy to defend and where they were safe from the ice cold wind and the orcs and CeKay would patrol the area much of the time, looking for enemies. If she did come across orcs she would kill them and hide the bodies and thanks to that the tribe didn't lose any of the hunters that winter. She brought back pelts and meat and their appreciation felt different from the one she had received in the city.

Here her contributions meant the difference between starvation and plenty, there it hadn't truly meant that much. But Charadan didn't end his pursuit, even when she tried to explain to him that she wasn't interested. She could find small gifts on her bed roll, pretty feathers, some flowers, a neatly woven band for her hair… it was small things but they spoke volumes and she felt for the first time that this was something she just couldn't handle. How was she to judge the depth of someone's feelings, and their sincerity, when she had no experience with such situations? He was obviously trying to court her and she felt a sort of despair she never had imagined herself capable of feeling. What was she to do?

The chief did notice her distress and one evening when she was working on removing the fat from the hide of a deer one of the older ellith did approach her. CeKay bowed her head in respect and the elleth sat down and smiled. "You are troubled, the chief said you are struggling"

CeKay nodded. "I am, I am not like you, and I cannot even pretend to understand how you think and feel. There is so much more to it than just…flesh and blood."

The elleth cocked her head. "That is where you are wrong, it is simple. It is a question of do or don't"

CeKay frowned. "What do you mean?"

The elleth pulled her skirts closer to her. "Charadan loves you, everyone can see that. And we don't fall in love easily, to him there is no choice, no don't. That option was taken away from him"

CeKay moaned. "I shouldn't have come here in the first place"

The elleth shrugged. "Then he would have been dead, eaten by those goblins."

She stared down, fidgeting with the scrape. "I know, but I don't know what to do anymore, I don't want to hurt him"

The elleth nodded solemnly. "If you leave now he will live his life alone, never bonding with anyone. It will be a sad and miserable life"

CeKay whimpered. "So what am I to do? I don't love him! By every deity, I am not even…I am something very different from you elves"

The elleth stared her in the eye. "Are you truly that different? You care about others, you laugh and you feel sad, you feel fear and you have danced like the rest of us at our feasts. You have a soul CeKay, and souls are all that matters, not bodies. Bodies are just here and now, souls are…forever"

CeKay swallowed hard. "I am not so sure that you are right, I am afraid that my so called soul is just…a mistake. A glitch in my programming, some flaw which will ultimately disappear"

The elleth shook her head. "No, it is no mistake. It is real, whether made by some greater force or begotten in love, a soul cannot be erased, and it cannot be denied"

Cekay sighed. "So I am gonna let him court me? Is that what you are saying? I cannot give him a family, I am…I can never share his feelings, wouldn't that be unfair to him?"

The elleth shook her head. "Our lives are frail, you have seen that. We may die in accidents, be slain by beasts or the enemy and his hordes. But there is no point in a life lived in vain, without the things we utterly crave. Even a short life is a full life if it was lived the right way"

The elleth turned to CeKay. "What I am saying is that he needs you, he needs to show you his love, to feel that he has a purpose. Maybe you won't truly love him back but he will be happy nonetheless. "

CeKay felt a shudder pass through her body. "Oh, I understand but it doesn't feel right, I may have to leave someday, there are things I am supposed to do, dangerous things even"

The elleth nodded. "And he will leave with you then, do not doubt him, and do not doubt your own heart, it is greater than you think"

CeKay swallowed. "I don't really have a heart"

The elf just grinned. "Alright, metaphorically speaking then. But I am an elder here, I have seen so much and Charadan will be miserable if you continue to avoid him. Believe me, there is truly just one possible path to take"

CeKay looked down, feeling trapped. He was so sweet to her, so attentive and so obviously taken and she felt as if this was deceit of some kind and a very devious one too. If she agreed she would eventually put him in harm's way for one day she would have to leave and what then? Could a simple wood elf hope to survive then? Or even be accepted by the more sophisticated noldor and sindar? She stared out into nothing, unable to really make a decision. The elleth petted her shoulder. "Think about it, you can make him very happy, believe me. Even if the time you'll get to share will be short. "

CeKay stared down at the pelt and she felt ultimately trapped. She wondered if she could just leave this night, sneak out of the camp and be gone but he would try to track her then, and that could end badly. Scare him off? That wouldn't work, she just knew it. She had told him she had powers, and he had accepted it. When she sat in her hut that night her mind was in overdrive and she went through so many possibilities, so many different paths.

The next morning she found a pretty blue feather stuck in her door and she sighed and stared at it, then she put it behind her ear, let the tribe see it. Over the next days she started receiving even more gifts, and she wore them all, with a feeling of impending doom. The whole tribe knew that she had accepted him as a suitor and she tried to be strong and stand by her decision but it was darn hard. She had such doubt, and she knew that he would be hurt, one way or the other. But Charadan was obviously ecstatic, he would take her for walks in the woods, they would explore the vast caverns of the nearby mountains together and she knew that she enjoyed his company and she did appreciate his affection but still it didn't feel right. Then he gave her a sort of ring carved from a piece of wood and she knew that this was it, sink or swim. If she accepted she also accepted him as her mate and that brought up some new difficult questions she had to consider.

She knew how biological beings mated, and she had seen a lot since her arrival at this planet. She knew that there was both a biological and an emotional side to it all and she also knew that she was biologically capable of mating. She had all the right parts when in this shape and she could even make herself feel everything that a normal biological entity would feel whilst being intimate.

That wasn't the problem at all, but could the vague affections she felt for him really be enough, emotionally? She had no idea! She could try to convince herself that she did this out of curiosity, that she just wanted to learn and explore but that would be a lie too. It was so much more to it really. She made her choice, she accepted the ring and knew that there was no going back now. He would never love someone else, his heart would be only for her and she had to accept that it had been thus for a long time already, since she rescued him. Perhaps this was fate after all, some way of letting her become a better person and she allowed herself to feel freely now.

That night Charadan took her down to the river and spoke his vows and she repeated them, even if the words did ring hollow in her ears. Her body did respond to his touches, like the body of a normal person would and she found that these new sensations were thrilling and enjoyable but still there was a small shadow of doubt in the back of her mind. He cried with joy as they became one and CeKay felt a bit humble, sensing his intense happiness and pleasure, it was not as she had expected for she could understand now, understand this so foreign concept of love and see that it was more than just chemicals and hormones and as her own body felt the surges of pleasure she could no longer regret this.

The next morning she knew that she was changed, she had seen something very strong and true in his eyes and she was sure that she could feel the same, given some time. They returned to the camp and were congratulated and now they moved in together. She tried to make him feel wanted, cherished and loved and did whatever she could to show him that she did cherish his support and his never ending gentleness and care. She spent the nights in his arms and learned that even she could be quite overwhelmed by these newfound pleasures. She knew how to please him for even such knowledge was stored in her memory and she felt happy when she heard him cry her name in ecstasy, then she knew that she did give him something back, something real. But she would never give him a child and that was a sore thing to consider. Instead they started caring for the orphans of the tribe, there were a few and even though most were almost adults they still needed some extra love and care.

CeKay did what she could to make sure that they all learned what they needed to survive there and she felt that she did have a family after all. Time flew by now as something she didn't really consider, she was content there and she was a part of the tribe. She and Charadan did watch the young ones and made sure that they were safe and in the summers she would teach the elflings how to swim and tell them tales of other worlds under strange distant suns. She almost forgot about her true nature, of the fact that she was no elf. She taught the healer more about how the body worked and she chased off orcs and monsters and it felt as if this was all that had ever been. The slow rhythm of the skies above, the nature and the wild animals was all that mattered and CeKay felt that this was so much better than anything she had done before. She was happy, she had to admit that to herself.

In the winters the cave was cosy and warm and in the summers they would roam the forest and feel that the mother of the forests had blessed them indeed. This area was so secluded little was known about the things which happened out there in the west and north and CeKay found that she really didn't care. This uncomplicated simple life was all that she really wanted and as the years did fly by she knew that changes did come but she never left the tribe to investigate. They were all she had, all she cared about and the rest of the world did hold little value to her now. The occasional orc pack did find the valleys every now and then but she did make sure that they were eradicated before they even discovered that the area had elves. She chose to ignore everything except this tribe and her extended family and she didn't see anything wrong with it. She wasn't to change the path of destiny in any way now was she and this way that was avoided.

But things couldn't last and one day she realized that she had been blinded by her own joy and hopes. It was late in the evening and she was resting under a tree with some of the ellith. They had been digging for some roots and stored them in the cave, the work was hard and the Ellyn were out hunting for deer. The valley had been peaceful for a long time and she didn't expect any trouble now at all. It seemed as if the orcs no longer came this far east and she was glad, good riddance. The elflings were gathered in the tree, sleeping in the talan and the sun was warm and made everyone drowsy and relaxed. CeKay didn't feel drowsy though, she was still cleaning some roots when she heard a sound from afar. It was a shout and she got up and felt a sting of worry. Nobody shouted there, it was dangerous even when they hadn't seen any orcs for a long time.

The ellith too got up and now they heard the shout again, it was a sort of signal and many paled and looked scared. CeKay had never heard it before and one of the ellith did explain that it meant that the hunters had run into trouble and were bringing back wounded. CeKay swallowed, her body suddenly felt stiff, almost frozen. She knew that Charadan was with the hunters this day and she had to grasp onto the tree to feel grounded. The ellith did prepare, the healer found all her equipment and herbs and now they had to wait. The hunters came back at a full run and they carried four with them, CeKay suddenly understood what these biological beings felt when they fainted. She was sure she would but somehow she didn't. Charadan was among the wounded and she let out a wail and knelt by the stretcher. He was unconscious and covered with blood and she just knew it, she would lose him. The chief stood there, his head hanging low. "It was a boar, a giant one, its tusks like swords. It came so fast, none of us had time to get out of the way."

Charadan was the one who had been hit first and his wounds where the most severe, he had lost so much blood and his body was so torn CeKay wondered how he still could be alive. The healer could do nothing and she felt so tempted, she had healed him once before, she had the skills and the knowledge but she also knew that it was too late. His soul was fleeing, healing the body would not bring him back. The chief laid a hand on her shoulder, his voice did shudder. "He told me to tell you this, you were his light, and these years so precious. No ellon has ever been more happy. He loved you, and hoped that he would see you again, in the blessed land"

CeKay let out a thin wail, she had loved him, truly and deeply and she saw that now and she realized what dangers love brought, its ultimate cost. She saw that he had stopped breathing and she leaned over and kissed him one last time, the sensation of despair almost more than she could bare. But she had made him happy, she had brought joy and hope and she could bare this pain then, knowing his heart. The other three did make it, their wounds were not that serious and the healer was able to fix them rather fast but the tribe was in mourning now and CeKay felt that she was a drift on a deep dark ocean of grief. There was no joy there for her now and she did agree when the chief wanted to bring the tribe further east, into the great woodlands.

She made sure that they had everything they needed for the journey, then she bid them her farewell. She couldn't stay any longer, she had to go. This had never been her destiny, it had been a short pause, a calm before the storm set in. She had learned a lot and it was precious but she no longer belonged there. She found her horse again and left the valleys, heading west once more. This time she stopped and changed her appearance, nobody would recognize her as the one who had helped them centuries ago. Now she was shorter, her hair darker and her eyes green, she had taken the appearance of an avarin elf and she also changed the steed so it looked like a small and ordinary hackney. Her sorrow was still too great for her to bare, she barely had the strength to think of him but she had made herself a promise. If it was true that elves did get reborn in the blessed realm she would reunite with him again, for she had realized that she had a soul, and that she no longer could deny that she had feelings. She was of this world now, truly and fully and if she hadn't accepted that before now was the time to do so.

She rode west again and discovered that humans had spread out, that battles had been fought and that things had changed a lot. She made her way back towards Doriath, slowly and in secret, there were elves also outside of the girdle and she realized that many things had slipped past her. Fingolfin was dead and she mourned this but felt a sting of pride as well when she learned of the manner of his death. He had challenged Morgoth to duel and even though he lost he had managed to injure the dark vala. Now his son Turgon was high king and he had apparently disappeared with all of his subjects and CeKay felt a cold shiver run down her spine. He had been the one of the king's son's she had liked the least since he was a bit strict and sombre and CeKay felt that destiny could play a cruel game when it came to this elf. She rode on, and when she reached the girdle she had gathered a lot of new information. She was stopped by guards and she explained that she was an ordinary wood elf, and that she had lost her mate and now was trying to make sense of her life alone. That gained her the sympathy of the guards and she was let inn.

When she entered the city she quickly learned of the fact that the princess had fallen in love with a mortal and that Thingol had demanded a silmaril from the crown of Morgoth as the bride price. It was an impossible demand and CeKay knew that the days of Doriath were numbered. She saw it now, the end was coming. But she could do naught to stop it and so she chose to stay, to work there as an ordinary citizen and she found some pride in seeing that her teaching still were held in high regard.

The atmosphere had changed a lot, it was dense and almost paranoid and everybody seemed to walk on needles. The laughter and life was gone, what had replaced it was empty and false and she missed the old days but knew that they wouldn't return. Melian was locking herself into her chambers and CeKay knew that the maia had seen what was to come. They were both aware of the impending doom and both were powerless.

CeKay was there when Luthien and Beren did return, the silmaril taken by the great wolf and she wished to see the darn thing but stayed behind. It was brought back by the king and Mablung and it was a wonder to behold but CeKay just knew it, Fêanor had created something nobody ought to wield.

It did drive madness into the hearts of mortal and immortal alike and she truly wondered what had inspired him to make these gems in the first place. Beren did die and Luthien slipped away too, overcome by grief and now CeKay truly knew what they felt. She had found new understanding now and was capable of so much more and so she waited, waited and hoped that she at least could do something good if not world changing.