Aegor

"I want you to treat me… as your wife," Calla said.

Calla's lips were incredibly soft, as light as her weight as she leaned onto Aegor. No matter how long time passed, she still had a child's body. She was—

No, I can't do that, Aegor told himself, I can't do that to her. It's Calla. He pressed on her shoulders gently, breaking their kiss. A tear dropped from Calla's eye to where their lips had met. "Aegor…" she bit her lips, her eyes welled up.

He wanted to accept her feelings… they were what he sought but could not have. His mother. Shiera. They could not give him what he wanted not because they did not want to, but because of circumstances. Because it just wasn't meant to be.

Calla… She was the kind of person to give without taking. To love without setting conditions. To devote herself wholeheartedly for one person...

It was an ideal love with nothing amiss.

There was only one person who ever came close to giving him the same magnitude of love. Daemon. And he entrusted Calla to Aegor, believing that he could bring her happiness.

Aegor would not have agreed to it if he had not dreamed of the result. To see Calla flower into a beautiful woman, to see her show him a joyful smile, to form a family with her. Even if he did not deserve that joy, he still held on to that tiniest shard of hope, wanting what he could not have.

That selfishness was always there. He agreed to the marriage with Calla knowing that he was not the man Daemon thought him to be. Throughout the years, he had deceived his way into power, letting his lies lay untouched, believing they would not bother him if he buried them deep underground. He fooled himself, soaking in the illusion of repenting for what he did to Daemon…

But in reality, he was still trying to accomplish his own goals. No matter how much he tricked himself about doing this for his brother, he still wanted something for himself.

Calla… She symbolised everything he did not deserve to obtain. Training her and spending time with her had saved him from drowning in his guilt. But he had wanted more, had wished for more… he tried to forget that, just as everything else he did.

But he remembered.

There was a time, during the first year she started training under him when her growth had not been stunted yet. Her height had increased, her body showing the slightest curve… in those days, he had foolishly thought that Crystal was a blessing. That it would win them the war, bring him closer to Calla, and eventually, he would forget about Shiera and build a new life.

That was why he told her to just call him by his name. Even with those excuses of helping her, raising her, being a substitute for her father… he still dreamed that one day they would become husband and wife in flesh and soul.

But he should not dream. He should not have agreed to train her, should not let her spend years mastering Crystal. It was not just the sword that had frozen her time, it was...

It was Aegor who shattered his last chance of happiness.

"It could be of the mind, I believe," the healer told Aegor and Rohanne with hesitation, frowning, his expression unpleasant. "The cause, as nothing is found on the body…"

In many ways, he regretted not noticing it sooner. At first, they just thought that she was unusually small, but she had been hale and healthy and so they let it slide. Yet when Daena flowered, they realised that Calla never did… and after months of searching, they arrived at a conclusion Aegor did not want to think of.

He had wondered, at times, how he should view her when she had stopped growing. She did not grow into who he had once imagined. She was no less beautiful… but he could not treat her as anything more than a niece, a daughter, an apprentice when she did not look one day older than thirteen.

And what did he do? He treated her as someone he needed to protect, tried to care for her the way a father would. He could not possibly fill the hole Daemon left, yet he did try. He honed her skill as a warrior and eagerly awaited the time she would shine on the battlefield. He did not think… did not think he would allow himself to be anything less.

But he had not given up on his dream. They were close, and he knew Calla better than anyone else. Even if Shiera's shadow still haunted his mind sometimes, he was confident that one day he would be able to give Calla happiness.

How prideful. How arrogant. How shameless.

However, if it was a punishment for his sins, why did it have to happen to Calla?

"She wants to be a sword," the old healer explained, "A tool to fight. She has suppressed her femininity, and poured herself into her training. I'm no expert on magic, but…" flipping pages through old books, he pointed to a passage with a shaking finger. "The Melt effect. Powerful magical artifacts could transform whom they are bonded to… mould the soul and forge the body… shall the wish of the user align with the will of the artifact."

"The… will?" Rohanne questioned, frowning, her lips pressed together, "The sword has a will?"

"Everything has a will, a purpose. Designed to do something. A bow shoots, a shield protects, and a sword… a sword fights."

"A sword kills," Aegor concluded darkly. But Calla… Calla was not motivated by revenge. Her hatred for the Targaryens across the sea was much lesser than some of her siblings. He knew a killing intent when he saw it, but Calla had never shown any of it… even now, her hands were still clean.

So, it could not be, could it? "Calla—"

"Calla won't want to kill," yet Rohanne said it first, her eyes shining with the confidence of a mother, "But she wants to fight. This is why…" When her gaze turned towards Aegor, he could see her sorrow and resentment. "This is why she asked you to train her. To contribute to the war to come and to make herself useful."

Aegor found that he could not counter her wordless accusation. He did encourage her to learn to fight. When he discovered the power of Crystal, he wanted to use it— use Calla. He wanted to protect her, but he also wanted her to fight… to win the war.

In the end, was he just using her to accomplish his goals?

"I have said it, haven't I?" Rohanne continued, "I allowed you to bring her to war, but you would protect her from harm. You promised, when we gave her hand to you."

And that he did. He vowed to protect her, to cherish her, before taking her as his wife. At first, he was determined to fulfill the vows because she was Daemon's daughter, their marriage proof of his trust. But Calla made him forget his sins, and wish for more.

Staying with her made him feel at peace. Her selflessness and kindness amazed him. Her smile brightened his days. He could imagine a time when they returned to Westeros, and he would be the Hand for King Daemon, Second of his name, with her by his side… he would finally make peace with his memories of Shiera, and turn a new page into his life.

It was all in shambles now because he taught her to use a sword? Because he planned to bring her to war? Because he encouraged her to fight?

No, it's not my fault, he wanted to say, but if it was not his fault… then it was Calla's. She trained tirelessly to use Crystal, day in and day out, just to do her duty to her House. This was not her fault. She was only doing what was right.

He had many chances to stop her, to think better before letting her use it. The nature of Crystal might be good, but magic came with a cost… he should know it. But blinded by the power it brought, he made the wrong choice.

Calla. The Iron Throne. If he had to choose one, the answer should be obvious.

"I still plan to. I want her to grow up healthy as well. I didn't want her to… stay this way." Gritting his teeth, he asked, "Is there no way to reverse it?"

"I'm afraid not. There are scarcely any studies, and none of them mentioned such an occurrence." The healer's nose crinkled, his frown deepened, "It's mere speculation on my part, but breaking a pact with such a powerful magical artifact might equal death."

...Is that it? He hated how he would just accept it. Accept letting her stay cursed, accept seeing what he wanted to slip from his hands again. But he had already started to consider what to do next, calmly and emotionlessly. Of course, they should keep this diagnosis from her, there was no sense in letting her risk herself trying to break from Crystal. And they would leave Tyrosh soon, House Blackfyre needed her power…

Prioritising Calla above your wish? Don't fool yourself, you will only put effort into what you think you can obtain, said a part of himself. Now that you know she cannot be yours, you cease to care.

No, that's wrong, he told himself. Calla was still his priority. She had been since the day they wedded. He had made a promise to Daemon, to her. That was why he needed to consider what was best for her, rather than himself.

Perhaps she would not care for it. Her size gave her agility in battle. Was it not better for her to not go through a woman's hassle? To never—

"There must be something we can do," Rohanne ordered, "I'll pay out of my own coffers if necessary, but try to use what connection you have to find people specialized in magical artifacts. Red Priest or Warlocks or whatever mages, I care not. If you find anything useful and I'm not around, notify my father and I'll know."

"Of course, Lady Rohanne," the healer bowed.

"You're wasting your gold," Aegor commented after the healer left, "Crystal is one of a kind. You have heard him, attempting to change Calla's... condition might backfire on her. Allowing whoever fraud we could find to treat her is too dangerous."

"Are you saying that we should just let things be?" Rohanne glared at him, curls of her bright blue hair dangling as she leaned forward menacingly, "Calla is your wife. Do you not want her to grow up properly?"

"I said I do. But it's not worth risking her life."

"It's not your decision to make. You don't know what she'll want in the future, or even if she wants it now. You don't know what kind of life she wants to live. You don't know if she wants… to build a family."

"She wants…" Aegor trailed off. He thought he knew her well— he still believed he did— but when he searched for an answer in his mind, he found himself lacking. In their talks for the future, it was always about the wars to come, the realm belonging to a Blackfyre… it was a dream, to be sure, but it was Aegor's. What could she want for herself, when everything was finished?

Rohanne sighed, "None of us gets to choose what we want, so I don't fault you for not considering it from the start. Not all my children will get to choose as well, I know. To play this game, you need to treat everyone as a pawn. But Calla is yours already. We told her all sorts of things about you… made her believe that you would be her best choice…" something close to regret filled her eyes. "Daemon meant every word he said. I… wasn't sure. Are you?"

Intuitively, he knew what she was asking with her vague wording. Did Daemon judge him wrong?

The answer was clear from the start. But it was one truth that he could never tell.

"I'll try my best to fulfill any wish she has. This situation… If Calla can never become a woman, I'll still protect her as I have been. And if there's a way to change this without harming her…" he swallowed, "I'll… love her, if she wants to."

Even if it's clearly impossible. Magic cannot be reversed without a cost.

Rohanne tapped a finger on her chin, examining him with her long, amber-coloured eyes. "Then please take good care of her."

He had passed the test, but in retrospect… it might be better if he did not.

Everything he did, every time he succeeded in something… only brought more harm to those around him.

He should never have tried to bring them back to Westeros, in the first place.

After Daemon died, he thought it was the only way to avenge him, to atone for what he had done to his brother and his family… but Daemon's greatest wish was never to see a Blackfyre sit on the Iron Throne. On the Redgrass Field, even knowing that he would die, he still rushed to where Aegon's corpse lay… because he wanted to save his son.

What Daemon wanted the most… was for his children to grow up safe and sound.

Aegor failed to fulfill his wish. Just to obtain a sense of atoning for his sins, he… committed more crimes against Daemon's wish. Rohanne's wish. The children's wishes…

...Calla's wish.

To live happily with her family and whom she loved. To be free of the slaughtering, the bloodshed, and live normally as she should have… to love, and be loved.

He could feel it, in the days they spent together. But in all those times they had shared… he did not think that she loved him. Because he had given up on that a long time ago.

He wholeheartedly wanted to protect her. He wanted, more than anybody else, what was best for her. Yet there was nothing pure in his intention. Since the start, before their marriage… he had filled himself with more regret than it was bearable. He hated what he was doing every step, but he still went down the same road. He understood that his actions had destroyed the life he wished for. He could not have her, he knew it since that day.

Even if he knew that they shared the same wish now... She deserved that love, more than anyone else— But he could not give it to her. Because her time was frozen. Because he had shattered her dreams in more ways than one.

There was no point in looking back at the point it went wrong. It did not matter how they had gotten here, or what they had felt for each other. There was no fixing what he had done.

To give her what she asked for… was to hurt her. She did not know what she was asking for. He had ruined her enough already.

"I can't do that to you," Aegor said heavily. He saw her break down, her teary eyes full of pain. He did not want to hurt her further, but to back down now would do her no good.

"Why? Because I'm… like this?" Calla pulled at her dress, the melancholy and loathing in her voice made him pause. "You think of me as your own daughter, because I've never grown into a woman. But I'm not... I want to be more to you. Not just your pupil, or a girl you have to look after... I'm twenty-nine this year, Aegor. Despite how it looks…" she glared at him and hissed, "I'm not a child anymore!"

How long had she waited to say that? Calla was always the obedient one. She listened to what he said… but behind that tameness, how much grievance she had built up for him?

"You're not a child, yes," he echoed her words, "But…"

It would be better if I really thought of you as my own daughter from the beginning. Then I wouldn't lead you down this path.

"...But this will hurt you all the same," forcing those thoughts down his throat, he whispered, "I can't..." he raised a hand to stroke her cheeks. "I can't take you to bed. You won't want that. I'll hurt you."

Calla's face crumbled, fire fared in her violet eyes. "You think I don't know that? You think—" pushing his hand away, she cried out, "This isn't what I want! It's one thing that I don't own a matured body, but you never treated me as your equal, as your wife. I just want you to… share your true thoughts with me." Blinking, trying her best to stop the leaking tears, she asked, "It's really so foolish to hope that you'll have me in your heart?"

Aegor took a deep breath. The truth was that… "Calla, I… do love you. You're my wife. I gave Daemon my words that I would treat you as a husband to wife. Sometimes I forget to treat you properly as an adult, but I have recognised my mistake."

"No," Calla hissed, "You don't get it. I don't want you to treat me well just because I'm my father's daughter, but for me… just for me…" her volume decreased to a barely audible level, "You can't, because you still love her. Shiera Seastar."

Shiera. He never thought her name would come from Calla's mouth. "No, Shiera is dead. And long before that, I've given up on her."

"I heard you calling her name in your sleep. Saying sorry to her," Calla whimpered, "For you... I'm nothing but a burden you feel you're responsible to care for..." Step by step, she pulled her distance from him, until her foot reached the steps of the Iron Throne. Almost falling, she tried to steady herself with one of the countless blades, but Aegor stopped her before her fingers touched the edge.

"Look at where you're going," he automatically said.

"Sorry," she replied, seemingly not knowing what she was saying— but when their eyes met she shrank into herself again, trying to remove herself from his gaze.

If I let her go now, I'll lose her forever.

As this thought flashed through his mind, he blocked her way and said, "Calla, it's not what you think. I let Shiera die. You know what I did now… you know that I'm the one to blame for everything. Yet she felt that she had a responsibility too, and she wanted to die. And I let her."

Calla widened her eyes. "She… you said you disposed of her..."

"I can't tell her how sorry I am. Just like I can't talk to your father again. But I can tell you what I feel." There was no fixing what he had done. His dream, his desired scenario… could never be achieved. But he could still devote himself to his first priority.

She only wants to be loved.

Calla was his anchor, his hope, someone he could not touch. What he felt for her was too complicated to be called love… but if that's what she wanted, the only thing he could do was to give it to her.

Isn't that just another mistake? If you lie to her, it'll only cause more pain.

But it was no lie. He wanted to give her the best, this had never changed throughout the years. And she had shown him clearly what she needed at this point.

All the missing promises he failed to fulfill. Not this one. He could fail everyone, but not Calla. Not anymore. Even if there was nothing right with what he did, he would comfort her. He would make her happy.

"You're the only one who will look up to me unconditionally," he murmured, not sure where to start, "I kept many things from you because I don't want to ruin my image in your eyes. I didn't realise that it would hurt you… I've lost so much already, I don't want you to leave me too."

"...I didn't tell you everything either. About Crystal, about… what I dreamed." Calla shivered, "I told you… I can never hate you. I loved you back in Tyrosh when I was not yet a soldier."

Once again Aegor felt the weight of what he had chosen. Had he refused Daemon's offer, had he listened to Brynden's advice, Calla would never end up begging for his love. Daemon and Rohanne would have arranged a better, suitable match for her, a man of her age without his hands full of innocent blood. He should not be the one she loved.

But he was.

Gingerly, he pulled her close, until their nose touched, his eyes locked with her. "I love you for who you are, not because of Daemon. Shiera belongs to the past." He peered into her eyes, searching for hints of reluctance or fear. But all he saw was big, shiny drops of tears. "When I married you, I imagined that one day we would grow to love each other despite the circumstances. Reality is very different from what I deluded myself to believe in, but you're always a better woman than what I deserve. You made my dream a reality." He embraced her deeply, "Thank you, Calla. I love you."

She cried into his chest. All the pent-up feelings… but this was fine. He would cradle all her sorrows. After this ended, he would give her the happiness she deserved.

...He could take responsibility for the damage he caused this time.

When she looked at him again, her eyes were swollen and red. But she smiled, sweetly, joyfully. "I feel that… I have finally found myself in your eyes."

At that moment, a long-forgotten image flashed back in Aegor's mind. A long time ago, he had imagined the same woman giving him the same smile.

That image was based on Calla, but it was also based on Shiera as well. It was a dream, a delusion, from days when he could still change the outcome—

But now it had been replaced. Calla's face was engraved in his mind. I'll keep you in my eyes forever, he promised to himself.